Year in Review

I became very lazy about posting.  That sums up a lot.  It tells you that I am unmotivated to do this.  Why?  Probably because I wonder if it serves any purpose.  My own?  Probably.
So, the year was interesting.  If I re-read this blog I would probably remember more but here goes:
  I started out with a bang.  Staying sober and loving that.  But still struggling w/ a few issues.
  Horrific Tornado blew through here in April.  I can't remember how many people died but it was a bunch.    Saw damage that I/we won't soon forget.  It was so sad.  And, might I add, one of the scaries nights i can remember.  Lost power for 7 days.
  Knee surgery in June.  Harder than I had anticipated but now, looking back ha!  It's like childbirth.  You soon forget.  But, I don't want to go through that again.
  Relapsed!  Holy crap.  I still can't fathom that one.  But, I am still an addict inside and I must never forget that.  I jumped right back into this and have thrived ever since.  Probably learned a lot about myself in the process.
  Had extensive dental problems.  More pain than even the knee surgery.  And I mean back to back.  I am fine now but whew! Another thing I would rather never repeat!
  Got to go to St. Louis to see my gal Joyce Meyer.  Went with friends and had a grand time.
  Although I slacked at the gym, I am still there.  Have not gained any weight which totally thrills me.
  Still seeing Ron.  Some days I want to walk.  Other days I still enjoy his company.  Go figure.  One thing I won't do is beat myself up about it. 
  OH and lest I forget!  I got baptised on May 29th...  I am totally committed to this new way of living even if I stumble, I will get back up.  Defined by His love and Grace, not my shortcomings.

So over all it's been a good year, but once again hindsight (or rearview mirror looking) I can see so clear His hand on my life.  However, I still, at times, try to regain control of where I am going.... I still can make that a total mess. 

I am in a good place.  Even though:  Son is homeless, got arrested, dad bonded him out, he stole some personal items of mine and I forgive him, just as I am forgiven of my past indiscressions. 

God, I will walk towards you, always asking how may I serve you and my fellows. That my light and better life will be the beacon that draws others to you.  If that be your will.

Good bye 2011..........................

 

Walk through it, Not around it

FACE IT!  I was in the middle of a horrific panic attack.  Brought on by a financial crisis, brought on by spending $$ before it was actually in my hand.  Get the picture?
So, after finding out the $$ I was expecting is half of what I thought it would be, I had a come apart.  Which for me are happening too frequently these days.
How did I handle it?  Well I went to a meeting.  I listened for some sage advice.  The subject wasn't brought up by me, but the answer may come during someone sharing about something else.
It continued to escalate.  Thought about right before going to bed.  Woke up during the night, yup still there.  First thing this morning. 
Alright I start praying.  Praying,  Praying.  In our book it talks about praying without ceasing.  That was what I did. 
Needless to say, I am ok.  It still is a problem, but it will and I will, be ok. 
As always, God brings me back to earth and gives me the ease and comfort I always looked for.

Quietness

I looked back at the last few posts.  It's been a few days.  I could feel the anger oozing out of me and on to the page.  YUCK.
Thank God I have had some good days since.  Good as far as work goes.  Somedays I still feel the iritation, but it's better.  I'm better.
I got a call from a sponsee the other day.  She was pitifully upset over a work matter.  I could feel her sense of urgency to be relieved of her hurt and anger.  Wow did that bring me back.  I urged her to get to the next available meeting.  We talked later about what really happened (internally).  We are such emotional creatures.  I believe that gets better but does it ever go away?  I mean am I asking God to change who he made me to be?  I know that sober I am an intelligent woman.  I am caring and love helping people.  But give me a day where it's all uphill and I will swear none of this is worth it.  And then I hit my knees and get re-connected. 
Son had to go again.  Stole computer and father's dulcimer (which to me and my family can not be replaced).  I got the items back after getting the pawn tickets from him.  I have only seen him a few times since then (which is probably 3 weeks now).  I know he is living on the streets.  It breaks my heart.  I pray for him to find peace.  To sober up.  Sometimes I wonder how he keeps going w/ nothing to live for.  I have given him to God, for his peace and mine.
The relationship is still on.  I can not put into words how I feel about it anymore.  It changes.  I know that lately I can feel the pull to stop.  A God thing totally.  But I still yearn for a person to love.  A relationship like what we HAD.  IF I truly had enough faith wouldn't I allow God to direct me in all my affairs (no pun intended). 
God is awesome.  I feel His presence so often.  I am in awe when I allow my spirit to be guided.

Another sober, useful day.

Can I give praise too?

I had a God moment this morning.  After that exhaustive rant yesterday that culmintated with a teary drive home, I was so tired of living the way I was.  this morning I got up fully rested.  I got out my meditation books and started reading.  During my prayer time I had this thought.  I am trying to change my circumstances to fit me.  Please God make coworker act right.  He treats me terribly.  Well here is what happened.  In my God time I heard this; why are you trying so hard to get him to like you?  You don't like him.  Yes, you are the spirited one that enjoys and thrives off of praise.  That of which is never handed out in this house of employment.  I have prayed to be happy.  I have prayed to accept.  you name it.  What hit me like a ton of bricks this morning was that IF I had everyone acting right that my self worth would still be lacking.  That if being good at my job is what fires me up then find a job that I can shine in.  I am not talking about jumping everytime I dont' like my job.  But this place sucks the life out of me.  I am a fish swimming upstream.  Exhausted and miserable.  It won't go on.  My plan will be to find employment elsewhere.  That is the start.  A mini 4th step showed me some interesting things:
1)  Not being noticed or enough is leftover childhood trauma.   I don't matter.
2)  Find my "matter" in helping others.  Not in tearing apart the people that hurt me. 
3)  I am living the problem if I don't look at myself.  HE won't change.  But I can.  I can ask for help w/ me attitude.  My direction.  I may not have complete love inside but I don't have to have hate.  I don't want to hate.  Hate is not God given.  So, today I am ok.  Even a little chiper.  I know I am a work in progress but I don't have to be a mess during my construction phase. 

I am going to see "him" tonight.  I broke down and called him and offered to come stay the weekend.  He is excited and I suppose I am too.  Whatever that means.  Whatever happens.  I will be ok.

God is awesome and I know life will work out. 

Staying sober is the most important part, next to God!

Crazy - ness!

It's been one of "those days".  Hate, hate, hate the coworker so badly I want to run away.  I want to scream at the top of my voice at him,  ASSHOLE! 
I have prayed for relief for me.  Trying to "come to terms with" why I am so out of sorts here. 
here is my list:
*  I am a person that needs a word of encouragement now and then.
*  I am on edge constantly fearing I'll make a mistake.  I am always on guard so that the asshole won't have a reason to talk down to me.
*  No matter how hard I try, I am not liked here and I can feel it to my bones.
*  I keep retreating into my shell and my cubicle.  I need to leave.  I want to leave.   I will.

I have worked steps on this.  I see my part but that does not give me the relief I need.  Today is really bad.  Not having another worker to bounce this off of makes it 100x's worse.  It all gets stored internally.  Reinforcing those bad thoughts about myself:  your no good.  you are stupid.  you are a woman and do not have the sense to do this job.  I could continue........

Now, living w/ the truth is easier.   But today I was immersed in the problem.
Truthfully:  the coworker is an ass.  But I can not change him.   I must release this anger to God and move on.  Problem is everyday I am met w/ this kind of bullshit. 
Truthfully:  Some days I enjoy being here, but lately they are few and far between. 
Truthfully:  If there were more coworkers around and not just the 3 of us, i wouldn't give him the time of day.  But I need him for direction, which only comes when I make mistakes.
Truthfully:  They are both piss poor teachers.  They both act like they are God and I am not.
Truthfully:  That I ask God for relief.  And then I wait.  I turn my thoughts to something else.  OR it will consume my entire being.  Oh wait....... Too late.

I want to stay sober today.  Emotionally, Physically and most of all Spiritually.  Tomorrow will be different.  I pray daily for the desire and ability to handle the emotions of this place.  

Today they won.  Well no they haven't.  I am sober and I haven't killed anyone.  I am a good person and I can be a good worker.. given enough training.. AND treated like I matter.........

We can't save anyone from their pain

At my regular 6pm meeting last night there was a young girl that came in.  Hurting from addiction withdrawl which I know all too well.  She had been in a halfway house for 6 months and relapsed as soon as she got out.  What goes wrong?  Spriritual Malady.   We let go of what we know to be doing daily.  That head noise gets too loud and we either pick up the spiritual part of our program or we drink (or other things).
She left the meeting and hit it again.  I heard this morning she may try another round of rehab.
We can't take away pain.  We can't keep anyone sober.  But I can lend my experience when asked.  I am so grateful not to be in her pain today. 
The relationship issue is still ongoing.  He called this morning and I just can't bring myself to say stop.  What if I change my mind.  I am trying to let this die a natural death.  Make sense?
I was reminded again this morning of how letting God direct our paths (and theirs too) is not always easy but once we make a start we keep going.  No matter what.
My insides get weak and I ask for help.  This is no different than my other addictions.  I can't do this alone.

Spiritual Malady

I have not been so "spiritual" lately.  I know this because I am angry, frightened, self absorbed need I go on?  I will post what was sent to me about this spiritual malady we suffer from:  Worth reading again.

=======================================================

  What is this "spiritual malady" we alcoholics suffer from and how can "untreated alcoholism" cause an alcoholic to return to drinking--EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO? What is the remedy for it?

Imagine three layers. The first layer is our bodily reaction to alcohol when we ingest the drink--the physical craving. Under that is the second layer: the insanity of the mind just before the first drink--the mental obsession. Under that is the third layer - the "spiritual malady": the inward condition of untreated alcoholism. Symptoms of this "third layer" as described in the Big Book include:

1. being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),

2. having trouble with personal relationships,

3. not being able to control our emotional natures,

4. being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,

5. not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),

6. having feelings of uselessness,

7. being full of fear,

8. unhappiness,

9. inability to be of real help to other people (page 52 - #2 thru #9),

10. being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),

11. being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),

12. self-will run riot (page 62),

13. leading a double life (page 73),

14. living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and

15. exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These name just a few of the symptoms of the spiritual malady" that’s described throughout our text. But still in all, these are just symptoms of the "spiritual malady."

What is it really? What is the driving force of the symptoms described above?

On page 62 the text explains that "Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." This "SELFISHNESS-self-centeredness" (or the "ego", as some people refer to it) drives us to respond to life situations with the above "symptoms" as well as disorders and addictions other than alcoholism.

If this selfishness-self-centeredness continues to manifest in an alcoholic’s life--EVEN IN SOMEONE WHO IS NOT DRINKING AND CONTINUES TO ATTEND MEETINGS--and the ego is not smashed and re-smashed by continuous application of all twelve steps, the sober (or "just not drinking") alcoholic is sure to drink again eventually ... or even worse, continue to live miserably being "undrunk" (better known as a "dry drunk"). This is why we see people with 10 years in A.A. wind up in mental institutions--AND THEY HAVEN’T HAD A DROP TO DRINK!

You see, if I continue to act out with selfish--self-centered--ego-driven behaviors I will continue to experience the symptoms of the "spiritual malady." If I continue to experience this inward unmanageability, eventually my mind will seek out the "sense of ease and comfort" it thinks it can receive from taking a drink. Or, my ego can deceive me into thinking I’m doing perfectly fine. (i.e.: Fred’s story in Chapter 3... Fred drank when there wasn’t "a cloud on the horizon".)

Typically, we’ll tell ourselves and others, "Well, at least I’m not drinking." All of a sudden, I can experience a "strange mental blank-spot"--otherwise known as a "sober blackout"--and before it even hits me I’m pounding on the bar asking myself "How’d this happened?"

So, ask yourself if you’re suffering from the "spiritual malady"--particularly if you haven’t had a drink for a while. What condition is your "inner life" in, currently? Are you experiencing any of the symptoms listed previously?

* Has it been a while since you’ve taken another alcoholic through the Steps?

* Has it been a while since you have gone through the steps?

* Have you ever taken all of A.A.’s Twelve Steps?

* Have you done more than one 4th Step inventory?

* Have you completed all your 9th Step amends wherever possible?

* Is there something wrong in your life that you will not face and make right?

* Is there a habit or indulgence you will not give up?

* Is there a person you will not forgive?

* Is there a wrong relationship in your life you will not give up?

* Is there a restitution you will not make?

* Is there something God has already told you to do that you will not obey?

**Are you working with the disciplines and practices of steps Ten and Eleven (self-examination, meditation and prayer)...consistently... EVERY DAY?*

Happy Halloween

This day is for kids to run around happily collecting all the candy that they can.  I remember those days well and enjoyed them so much.  
You know if you have read my blog that I love talking about being sober.  Sober living and thinking.  Some days are rough and some are fantastic.  Today I want to blog about standing up to someone for wrong behavior.  Now, if this didn't affect me I would say this is not my concern.  It does. 
Small office setting and commission work should say it all.  I have noticed for sometime that my "quotes" have been redone by the co-worker and policies written that now have no sign of my name on them.  Well I kept shaking my head in disbelief,  even talked to him about it a time or two. Each time he ignored me and pretty much just shut me down.  I started making notes in files.  Where you could not ignore me.   Well it happened again and Friday I spoke up.  Now, that took an act of courage that I can not even tell you about.  I talked to our boss first and formost and he was shocked.  He advised me to talk to the co-worker.  Now also let me preface this by the fact that he is good at what we do.  Well he has over 10 years of experience to my 3.   That should be expected.  Their is a certain amount of arrogance that permiates the air here too.  And as my "ick" takes over it tells me I don't matter.  That of course he does this, he is better at it.  I need not go further.
So, 4:45pm on Friday I ask him about it.  I was not prepared for an arguement.  I was not prepared to defend anything about myself.  But that is what happened.  He jumped into me w/ both feet and refused to listen to anything I had to say.  I felt so defeted.  so wronged.  Why had I said anything anyway.
Fast forward to today.   I am not sorry I spoke up.  I'm sorry I didn't stand up taller.  When I was backed into the corner I stood my ground but felt like I was scrambling to defend every day I have been here ...
You could cut the air w/ a knife.  
Being sober and staying sober things just happen.  People offend us, we offend others.  We have a program that allows us to stay sober by keeping our side of the street clean.  And I tried.  I won't let this get so out of hand again.  Letting resentments build is like poison to us.  It did not good to me or the office.
So we live and learn.  We grow and digress.  We dont' drink and hopefully we get new days and other chances to be productive. 
God you know what's best for everyone.  I try to remember that.

Sober by grace!

Gratitude

Does that make you cringe?  Does it make you want to run or make your chest rise w/ a full heart?  Over the weekend I had an experience with a family member.  A much in the throws of the addiction member.  His wife had left him the night before.  Was drinking an issue? Probably.  But he started off by saying he had to quit, he needed to go back to church.  He needed to change.  RIGHT NOW!  So she would come home. 
I have been there.  I well remember those feeling of complete fear and shame and guilt and anger.....   But for me that was certainly the catylist of my beginning to want something different.  I pray it will be his. 
I did not talk program to him.  But listened to the pain in his voice.  We drink beyond human aid and then try with all we have to stop the problem.  When we don't have the necessary power.  But we don't know that.  I didn't.  I found out after being plunked in the middle of the AA program.
Is life better today?  Yes.  I have peace of mind.  I like myself so much more.  I can allow YOU to live like you need or want to. 
See I believe that stopping is just the beginning.  He may be about to experience that. 
Loving our family and friends during the deepest of dispair may be hard.  But I will never turn my back on anyone reaching out..

Somedays life is great........

I am learning daily not to live by my feelings.  Waking up used to be a chore.  I would be so sad that I would cry till time to go to work.  How sad is that?  Well those feelings still crop up.  But today I try to see them as they really are.  Walk through them and know that life is going to/  uh is ok.
I have begun training to work on our local crisis line.  There is so much to learn.  I think/thought I was a good listener.  And I am.  But listening is only part of it.  I have spent the past 4 years coaching woman with the same disease I have, alcoholism.  Leading them to solutions that are tried and true.  Well, this isn't the case with the help line.  Proactive listening would be a good term.  Non judgemental.  Leaving our own feelings out of the conversation.  Thank God this is a training class.  about 30 hours of classroom and reading of the "manuel".   I am intrigued and willing to volunteer.  Is this the right avenue for me?  A good fit?  We will see.  If not, I will not hang my head in shame.  I will understand me better and look elsewhere for an opportunity to serve.
One thing I won't forget is I am sober today by God's grace.  There are no good works to get his love, but giving back helps ME to feel better and hopefully will help someone else.

When to tell it all

I recently went through (if you read this you know) a really tough time.  During that time I tried to keep up w/ my sponsee's to the best of my ability.  I felt like what I was going through was not to be discussed w/ them.  You know, they come to me (or us) for direction, help, etc.  Not to hear me whine.  Well a friend in the program with almost 30 years sober, told me that is wrong.  We are human and fallible.  We get sick, some of us drink again.  And I had no business not being honest w/ them.  I realized what she said made sense.  Why would I want anyone to think I'm "fine".  If I'm not. 
So, through this all I have lost a sponsee but my other 2 stayed.  They are so precious to me.  More friendships have come of this whole "will you help me" mode than anything. 
I still have 2 weeks till I can chair meetings again.  Going by our strict code of 90 days sober (yes, the old white chip for a few pain pills still haunts me).  I will feel a part of once again.
Staying sober is not a chore, it's a gift. 
Thank you God for keeping me sober (yes KEEPING me).  I co-operate and look what happens.   Amazing!

It's getting better.... in spite of what I think

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my dental work.  Well 3 from when it began but 2 since the majority of it was done.  And I am so happy to say that the pain is diminishing.  No need for anything stronger than Motrin.  I am able to eat a little more.  I actually got up at 4am to get to the gym.  I haven't been in weeks and boy did it feel wonderful.  For me, I need that physical part of my life.  It gives me a great lift both physically and mentally. 
I went to my normal meeting last night.  It wasn't as packed as normal but it was a good meeting all the same.  We did have a fella come in and cry something we couldn't understand.  He went on and on and really made little sense.  They finally cut him off and he seemed agravated.  My gratitude was so much so just not to be where he was at that moment.  Early sobriety sucks. 
I know I have a God that gives me power to get through any situation.  Taping into it is another story. 
But staying sober is the most important thing in my life, everything else comes second to that.

Trudging...

Oh, I'm trudging alright.  Since having all the dental work done I have lost 14lbs.  I can't eat anything of substance.  Lots of soups though.  Oatmeal and meal replacement drinks.  I feel my iron is really low so I'm ramping up my vitamin intake too.  This will pass I just wish that would come soon.  I feel really detached from life right now.
But, when I think of life before sobriety, I know that where I am today is so much better.  Pain, no love life, children acting up, I mean I could go on, but you get the point.  In spite of... I am in a better place.
Thank you God!

A turn in the right direction

Does not always "feel" good right away.  I have come through the hardest summer of my sober life and now all I want to do is move on.  Pain does incredible stuff to us.  After 4 years I had to pickup a white chip after having knee surgery and failing miserably w/ the meds.  Well right after that (and I mean RIGHT) afterwards, my teeth began acting horrible.  I have blogged about it so rehashing it would be dumb.  Anyway, finally after some weeks they completed all the extractions last Thursday.  I could not return to work until today.  I have lost about 12 pds and counting.  And all I can do is pray for the healing to come quickly.  Knowing my history with pain meds made this really hard.  I refused to do this without any help.  And I shouldn't.  I became accountable to sponsor and a sponsee.  I counted those damn pills daily.  I guess normal folks don't have to do that.  It has been 4 days and I still want to scream w/ the mouth sores.  But you know I have learned more about myself in the past weeks than in the past year.  I had stopped listening in meetings.  I knew it all and what I didn't know you couldn't teach me cause I trusted no one.  I took my issues to the few woman that understood and even then I had a hard time hearing.  Well, what I really was looking for was sympathy.  Well, ok.  That's normal, right?  Sure it is for a day or so.  I am even sick of me. 
So, whether this changes my smile or improves my facial appeal I really cant' tell.  I am still fighting the pain.  So, I am forcing myself to say positive things about the experience.  i.e. I'm on the tail end.   This too will pass.  Look how far I've come.  And the inevitable:  You will be able to use this to help someone one day. 
You see, for me, if I let myself get caught up in the misery, that is where I stay.  Today I choose not too.  I asked God this morning to help me with healing and patience.  It has been a long summer, but who is measuring?  Me?  that is a laugh cause it wasn't that long ago that I wouldn't have remembered crap about the summer.  Just one minute to the next looking for something to change the way I feel. 

Does the ends justify the mean?

The summer.  The entire summer has been so arduous.  So full of fear and surgeries and pain.  I've got one more day in the dental chair and my entire upper part of my mouth will look so much better.  And best of all, the long enduring painful part will be but a memory (I hope) .  I do not want to go into what happened over the weekend as it is much of the same.  But yesterday I had to go in for an emergency visit to the dentist.  Face looked like shrek it was so blown up.  And the pain that accompanied it was more than I could endure.  He ended up shooting me full of novacain and making an incision into my gumline to relieve the pressure and swelling.  It worked.  Thank God.   Painful as it was and it was!  I made a huge difference.  Now I have to go through this process again in two days and believe me I'll doit, but this has got to come to an end.  My employer probably thinks so too.  I have used all my vacation and sick leave just keeping up w/ the knee and the face. 
It could be worse, right?  None of us get out of here alive.  During my brief stay I insist on enjoying the days I can and praying for the bad ones to come to an end.  God has a wonderful purpose for all of us and today I want to live that life. 
Today is all we have, right?  We are not promised a tomorrow.   And I choose to live this day sober, by the grace of God.

Back to Life

Finally after weeks of sheer pain and agony they have found why I have been in such exrutiating pain.  And I mean never ending.  I would have drank a bottle of Jack Daniels if I could have stopped the pain, but I held on.  It was all tooth related and boy what a mess.  It is being addressed now, and I am almost pain free.
The treatment will be costly, the pain will get worse b4 it gets better, but I know now that it's temporary.  Unlike what has been going on.... and on...... and on.
So, feeling better opens up all kinds of doors.   I can think clearly.  Not quite emotionless but certainly with less emotions.  Thank God!  I want to jump up and down and scream, "I'm back"! 
Of course some folks just laugh at my exuberance.  That's ok.  I feel like I've been to hell and back.....
During the weeks of trial and error (doc, hospital, ENT, oral surgeon)  and lots of error - or so it seems, I began to wonder if I was crazy.  I would cry at the pain.  Call the dentist or doctor and asks for help.  I took (around the clock) Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, Motrin, sinus meds.   I was beginning to worry that my stomach could not live through this.  But, I have, it did.  And as the dental work gets done, I will thank God that I am a) sober!!  b) have dental insurance  c)  willing to take care of these things.   Lord knows there was a time that I would drink to forget.  What a life I have now.   Thank you God!

One more time!

Another trip to the Urgent care this weekend.  I can not get rid of this sinus issue.  the did xrays of my head, teeth, cheek area.  Gave me a shot of steroids and a prescript for another round of antibiotics.   I would have done anything this weekend to make the teeth not hurt.  Today I am feeling pretty good.  My temp and my bp were both up so it is no wonder i am feeling bad. 
I got up this morning with no intention of hitting the gym.  I will do 3 days this week though.  I did want to test how I would feel at 4am.  Yup, more sleep please. 
It's a better day.  Have a couple of sponsees taking final exams this morning.  Hurrah for both of them for wanting and doing better.  In spite of.  At my age I have thought of school but that's as far as I got.  I have a job and on days where it's good, I am good. 
I also spent time in prayer and meditation this morning.  Invaluable to this woman and absolutely takes the edge out of running my life.  God knows I make a mess quicker than a kid in a highchair.
So, the journey continues.  Sober and content.   I'll take that any day!

Sound mind AND body

I spent way too many years under the control of substances that (I thought) made me think better (and in the beginning it did), act better, whatever.  But that same substance took everything from me.  Self esteem, family, respect.... My journey started in the end of 2005. 
It took me until a couple of years ago to even feel like getting up and doing anything beyond daily life chores, job, etc.  No energy to do squat! 
But I hung on and somewhere in January of 2009 I walked into a gym.  First time in many years.  Well fast forward to today.  I'm still committed (even through knee surgery) to going.  It gives me so much pleasure to walk out in the morning way before most folks get up.  You see we begin at 4:30am.  This morning I began the assault on the cycle.  It was hardcore and I was a sweaty mess when we got through.  30 minutes and I wanted to stop several times, but didn't.  then 30 minutes of bands (think of huge rubber bands w/ handles on them).  that was fun.  followed up by hardcore abs and 15 minutes of lifting weights.  2 hours at the gym. 
All of this is possible because a few years ago I asked God to take me or fix me.  I was sick of who I was.
Life isn't always easy.  Nobody has the corner on that.  I love the woman I sponsor (and yes they stayed even though after my knee surgery I took too many pain pills) I so believe in this program.  IF YOU WORK IT. 
Life is life and today it happens to seem right.  All pieces where they belong.   And it is good.

Task Oriented

Someday's I am miserable at my job.  It is a quiet office.  But I am a do'er.  I have to be engaged in something or I feel real  "out of the loop" so to speak.  Well I took a quiz at church.  Shows I am more task oriented than people.  What?  That was a shock because I can work a croweded room and feel comfortable.  However, I realize I am super motivated to completion of a task.  Not talk about it, just do it.  It also showed that I am structure oriented as well.  That did not surprise me.  I want to know in advance what to expect, gather the data and put it to use.  Always have been happiest in that role.  Hence my last job was so suited for that personality.  Not sales.  I have thought of other avenues but keep dragging my feet.  I mean this is comfortable, albeit boring.  Is that bad?  No.  But jumping ship is.  So I will do this correctly. 
I am sober and that is what sober people do.
This past weekend was my 35th HS reunion.  I had a blast.  I must admit that going back can be scary.  But I stayed sober and got to visit w/ old friends and make new ones.  It's funny even after this many years we can and do still look for the friends that we made that long ago.  Comfort.  Totally comfortable. 
Today that is how I view my sober life.  While it throws curves and emotions can run amuck, being sober to deal with those times means everything. 
God really does have a great plan for all of us.....

Whooooo

Ok, it was a sinus infection.  Doc comfirmed and loaded me up w/ the best medicine possible (the free stuff). Anti Inflammatory and a strong antibiotic.  Believe me today is a new day.  I am smiling.  Pain is a bad memory now.  Unbelievable that 24 hrs ago I was about to buckle under.  Fear gripped my every thought.   Today I can think clearly.  I have learned more about me.  I do not do pain (at all).  I become really fear driven when I hurt that bad.  AND given the 2 months I have been somewhat out of comission, I was in the midst of the sickness of  feeling bad forever.
Does this have anything to do w/ living sober?  hell yeah it does.  If i had to go another day with that kind of pain I would have taken matters into my own hands and gone for the high dollar stuff.  Anything to stop that feeling.
Even my emotions are back level.  Whew!  It's been a helluva ride.   Thank you God for keeping me sober through this process.  And for giving me trust in your command. 

Sick of being sick

I am sick.  Sick of being sick.  Sick of hurting.  And none of this has to do with being sober.  Or does it?  Being an addict I have to be vigilant and mindful of my actions.  they take me places I don't want to go if I'm not careful.  My mouth has been very painful for over a week.  Several trips to the dentist,  now today I go to the doc.  Perhaps there is a sinus infection.  I know this:  I am a wimp when it comes to feeling bad.  And I had knee surgery on June the 7th so I feel like the entire summer has been taken up w/ feeling bad. 
They (dentist) wants to pull all my upper teeth.  Not that they are the best shape.  You can't do what I did for so long and not expect problems.  And boy right now, that's what it seems like;  problems. 
If i get a window without the pain I am glad but sit here waiting for it to return.  That is crazy!
I also know that in pain I am not capable of making good decisions.  Matter of fact I don't make many decisions at all.  except how to get beyond this.
If money was no object we wouldn't be having this conversation.  I learned that too.  I would be marching wherever to get the relief I so desire.  But that isn't the case.  So, I'm having to knock one pin down at a time, praying for the right direction (intuitive thought).  So today it's the doc.  Sinus infection can make a mess of your teeth too..............
I don't want to be high, I just want to be out of pain.  I think my dentist may wonder about that......

Victim of the delusion

Sometimes I can still fall back on that.  Victim.  Victim of the delusion.  Many delusions.   Today I really believe I am.  A victim that is.  I say this in all honesty.  I am trying to come to terms w/ work.  Although I may not always be the sharpest knife in the drawer, I do feel I am worthy and an honest worker.  I have never been trained to do what I do.  Well beyond the "licensing" that is required.  The office seems hostile on days.  And I find myself retreating over and over and over again.  I need and want out.  Here is one of the issues;  I have been given lots of breaks by my boss.  I mean huge.  Financially he has bumped me up the income ladder beyond my wildest dreams.  Additionally, he has done for me what most people wouldn't.  That is dug into his own pocket a few times to help me.  This never was anticipated nor asked for.  But it was done all the same.  He is a good guy.  My co-worker is not.  He does not miss an opportunity to knock me down a notch or two.  Now, I see this and know it is his stuff, his own fears that keep this going on.  But I am locked in the silence of hating it here.  I send out resume's but honestly when you feel knocked down it's hard to get up.  I miss the corporate world where part of your training is being trained as you go or on new stuff.   Here it is dog eat dog.  And I'm not  into that fight.
So, I moan through another day, quietly piercing souls with the darts of resentments.  I pray for relief and of course a light at the end of this tunnel.

Emotional Week...

A very long, emotional week.  I have had a major issue since last week w/ a tooth.  I went to the dentist on Tue to find out I have a bad infection.  After a few prescriptions off I went.  I was miserable by the next day.   Anyway, today is 3 days later and I can at least close my mouth.  It is getting better.   On the same day as all that, a guy hit me in the rear.  It made me sick.  I am close to paying this car off (which is huge for this gal) and now it's banged up.  He doesn't seem to have insurance and the damages to my car is just over my deductible so no reason to file a claim.  
Work has been destructive to my spirit this week too.  So, as you can see, i am more than ready for the weekend.  No comittements, no rushing, no nothing.
Being sober does not mean life stops.  On the contrary.  It is wide open and I get to participate...  

Character Defect or the truth

You ever worry what someone thinks of you?  They tell me it's non of my business, I disagree.  I mean sure, not everyone is going to like us, right?  But if there is something I am responsible for, something I have done, then I need to know.  Work is like that.  But I don't know.  I mean I'm not treated badly.  Just like I dont matter, which brings up insecurity to the hilt.   I have tried working the steps on this, but honestly, some days I just wish I could run away from the feelings i incurr here at work.  Male mentality does not go well with female feelings.  I don't ask for any special treatment, but I don't like to be treated like I don't matter.

On a lighter note.  I stayed sober all day.  Thank you God.!

It can happen to you

So I had knee surgery.   1 week later I picked up my 4 year medallion.  I had hardly touched the pain meds.  They truly made me sick.  One week later I went for a 1st appt. from the surgery and told the doc I could not control the pain w/ the meds he had given me.  a qtr of a pill here and a 1/2 there, just to hold down on the nausea.  He proceeded to write 2 prescriptions.   1 of which i had relapsed on 4 years earlier.  You think i said no?  Of course not.  It would be different this time.   Yeah right.  I did good until they were gone.  Then I was at a friends house and he had a bottle on his table.  You know what I did.  I ended up taking 3 or 4 (i really do not remember) and then a few more later.   Is that a relapse,  you betcha.  I was the man in the big book who slams his fist on the bar wondering how did he get there.  I truly did not have any defense.  I hung my head in shame.  But you know what?  If one person can learn (besides me) from my experience, then so be it.  I have also learned that the 24 hour window we talk about is really more important.  I say that not because I relapsed cause all I lost (besides my mind for about a week) was my sobriety date.  I have not lost but rather have gained some insight.  What is that worth?  Stop counting your "medallions" and start living in the now.  Right here!  It feels good to be alive  and clean and sober.  But for the grace of God.

Judge Not

The other day I asked a friend of mine who is in the program if she was ok.  For weeks she has been nodding off in meetings.  Eyes rolling to the back of her head.  Just looked like she was high on something.  She said no, I'm ok just tired.  I knew something wasn't right but I turned my head the other way.  This continued.  It got worse.  Everyone was asking, "what's going on with her".  Another member and a sponsee of mine finally said,  we have to confront her.   So we did.  She is taking "doctor prescribed pain meds".   Obviously more than she is supposed too.  What does it say in our literature about confronting anyone's sobriety?  Is it our business?
I was reading a blog about another group in my city.  One of it's members was ranting about "sober behavior" and how he refuses to turn his back on bad behavior.  That we came to this program to become better people.  Lord knows he is.  And how anyone can call themselves "sober" and still have the actions of non sober people is beyond him.  His rant was full of fire, obviously anger too.  What does the book tell us about that?  I'm just saying. 
I can stand in judgement of others.  But I sincerely ask for help when I do.  I would not want that same judgement to be passed down on me, for whatever reason.   Being sober does not render us "white as snow" nor do I pretend to be.  But, I sincerly try to live by the principals of "do no harm".  I want to be a sober woman of God and the path may be wide but the gate isn't. 

Do we make a difference?

by "we" you know by now I mean the people doing the "deal' in the halls of our fellowship.  I say, YES.  Unfortunately there are many others that feel they are failed by our program.  I laugh at that notion.  As it says, follow us on this journey.  We don't ever have to drink again.  I believe that.  After some time if/when we do it is by choice, albeit a sad one. 
I sponsor a woman that is in constant crisis (within the infamous head of hers).  For the past year I have sat with her, I have listened to her, I have encouraged her, I have taken her through the steps, I have shown her how we are to help others.  She still says this is too hard.  she took a drink several weeks ago and got that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once.  I'm sure that seed will begin to grow. 
I know for me I had to grow into a place that really understood step 1.  GROW.  I mean to just say it was one thing.  To fully believe it is another.  The insidious disease we have will stop at nothing.  That is why we have a DAILY reprieve.  Cause when i let up on my spiritual growth the "old" me starts to creep back in, as it tries to hide underneath hurt, anger, you name it. 
Somedays I do shortcut this thing.  I don't read some material.  I may not make a meeting.  But at the end of the day I am assured one of the woman I sponsor (and love) will call and the program springs to action.  I love it. 

How incredible today seems.  It was 4 years ago on June 14th that I picked up what I pray is my last white chip.  Now, this year I picked up one of those bronze medallions with the #  IV on it.  I did not have those drunk dreams that seem to begin right around a birthday.  I did not feel different.  But I certainly felt blessed.  I almost cry when I reflect (without being morbid) on how I have changed in this short time.  But I try not to be flippent about the whole thing.  This has taken work and a whole lot of co-operation on my part.  See, I give my day to God and then by God! I act like I have.  I ACT like I want to be a sober woman.  And IF I react badly to a situation, I promptly admit it and look for ways to make it right.  I back out of the careless conversations about others.  Somehow, I walk in love now.  That is the miracle of it.  See, just not drinking was good, at first.  But it can't sustain me.  Not my alcoholic brain.  the one that can still go back to crappy thinking which can lead to bad living (and decisions).  I surround myself with people that are the same.  And the ones that aren't, I've learned to love them from afar. 
Last night we talked about early sobriety.  I can not remember how bad it was.  Oh! I remember him leaving.  I remember crying for months (ok years) over a broken life.  That sticks like glue to my memory.  But what do I remember of the early struggle to not take a drink (or other things)?  Not much.  I've tried.  Perhaps my brain refuses to think about it.  Sort of a mental block?!  So when it comes time to share I share MY experience which is, "i can not remember".  I hear (and think) too often we share what others want to hear.  Not me.  I know how futile it is to sit there listening when what is being shared does not come from their own experiences. 
So, to sum it up I've stayed sober by Gods Grace and doing the deal.  When I get that "thing" in my gut that says, uh uh uh.  I heed to it.  That is the conscience I've gotten from  this program.  On the occasions when I don't listen, I feel it.  I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm not comfortable.  And honestly, I do not like being that way. 
So, when my eyes open each morning I think to myself (which I believe reaches the God of my understanding) hurrah for another day.  Upon a wider awakening, I say, "God however I may be of service to you and others, please show me.  
A better deal?  You betcha!

Given time it changes....

I could not get beyond the depression I was in.  Been getting worse and worse.  I finally got to the doctor.  Went on an antidepressent.   Much needed.  I feel better already.   It is so hard to describe to someone the darkness and despair depression can cause.  I kept wondering, "what is wrong with my program"  what am I not addressing.  I did not get an answer.  Crying became a daily affair. 
To say that I have addressed every aspect of my physical well being since December is an understatement.  I have caught up on all doctor appts.  I work out religiously 3 x's a week, try to eat right, get plenty of rest.  So when I still was emotionally a wreck I knew something was wrong. 
So, my experience will change with this new avenue.  Even though the big book tells us that sometimes we have to seek outside help, I told myself I was ok.  Time has taken care of quite a bit of my mess, that and the steps.  But after 6 years in the program 5 of which have been sober, something was seriously chinking away at my armour. 
I began to hate to receive calls from sponsees.  I just believed my head when it said i have nothing to offer.  I began to hate the program, the people and myself.  I tried to confide in some folks I trusted but honestly they had no more idea of what to do than I did. 
There in lies a huge problem.  I have always looked to others for my answers.  Of sober living I think I'm relying of God but still go to others with my problems.  People that have not been through the same things can not know what to do.  Not even on their best days. 
That is why we say we share OUR experience, strength and hope.  OUR's.  I will remember that going forward. 
I am blessed not to have drank over the past few months.  Today I'm happy to say I am happy to be sober.  AND alive.  I could not have said that a month ago.........

Anger at whom?

When we give of our time, of ourselves exactly why do we and what do we want from that act?  I'm talking sponsorship.  I have sponsored woman that drop out of sight and others that stick around for all the promises to come true.  I have one that just doesn't get it.   She has asked someone to help her.  Really?  My first thought and knee jerk reaction was.... well  F her.   However, when she called me after that my heart jumped to be able to offer her some solution based living.  It's up to her if she uses these suggestions or not.   I hung up thinking how miraculous it was that I did not tell her to get lost.  To use the school yard tactics of a 5 year old to make my point.  HUH!  You don't want me then FINE!   We all know what I'm talking about.   Not doing that told me there is a power greater than all of us that steps in and IF we allow that power to flow, life is better.  
She is a wonderful woman.  Struggling w/ early sobriety.  What if i had been pushed aside early on?  What if whomever was sponsoring me (at that time, as I have had a few) told me to find someone else?! 
The emotionally immature side of me (then) would have been devistated.  Cause I would make it all about me!  She doesn't like me!  Whaaa!  
Now, full circle, I just listened w/ love and understanding while she stated her position.  
No anger, no retaliation.  Just love.
Wow.  God you are awesome and I am so excited to be a vessel for YOUR message. 

Life AND Death

I can choose to live a free woman.  Free from alcohol.  And I do.  Because I have found a solution to what ails me.  A solution to that deep grinding angst that seemed to be present from early childhood.  That is why I now understand when people say they are grateful recovering people.  Grateful to now have a way to live that allows others to co-exist with us with less behavior modification on their part. 

And sometimes WE need to ask for help

Serious mess.   Me.  Yes, me.   I was spinning out of control and have been since December.  I had made a decision to let him go and move on.  He wanted that anyway so I stepped up and did it.  I hated it, but I did.
And I was so sad.  This too shall pass.  Oh really?  When?  For me I kept praying and waiting, praying and waiting.  I got worse.  I kept asking sponsorship for help.  I was told to hold on.  That being sober long term will help.  Really?  How long term?   I need help now.   I finally broke.  I was a mess and worse yet I could not find a solution (for me) in the steps.  I was devistated.  
And so I did what I have always done.  I called him.  And he rejected me again.   Now what?   Suicide ran through my mind.  Really?  Is it that bad?  I can't pray through this?  Ok, what step?  What character defect?  What?  What?  What?
And then it happened.  Maybe drinking will help.  I know it won't but feeling bad is killing me.  Literally.
Being told just to stop isn't working either.  My solution shall be my own.  Not what worked for someone else.  I grabbed the big book.   the 12x12.  I was really scared.
Then I saw a woman friend in the program.  Help was all I could cry.   She met w/ me last night for 2 hours.  we cried.  We laughed.  But most of all she shared some of her story and I gave her my details.  And the connection gave me great hope.  I began to laugh.  I felt hope.  I felt connected.  I knew that I was going to be ok.  She gave me tidbits that I could use. 
My relationship with me.  It just isn't there.  But now I will work on that.  Being ok w/ me.  Being ok to BE me.  And in the interim, don't drink and do not call him again.  I deleted his # from my phone.  HUGE!  It's been there since our divorce.   I am slowly ready to stop. 
It continues to amaze me how off the beam I can become.  How scared and lost I get.  now I know why people drink again.  When the relief I seek doesn't come or doesn't come quick enough I will take matters into my own hands.  And we all know how scary that is or can be.
I will say this.  I slept like a baby.  I woke up and asked God to help me and I knew that he would.  I knew that he was.  I knew that I knew that I knew. 
I feel a connection.... again.
Thank you God and the fellowship of this program.

Sometimes you just have to let them go.....

So I have a sponsee that just can't or won't get onboard with the program.  Calls when life is too tough and cries because God isn't listening.  Oh really?  Keep trying is what I told her. 
So last night I get a call just before midnight.  She just can't go on.  It's too hard.  I don't understand.   This isn't working.   Here we go again. 
I said a quick silent prayer not to lose my patience with her.  And then I just told her,  "I am not the source!  God is"  I've given her all the information I have, maybe it's time to do something else.  I can not keep spoon feeding her. 
She hung up crying.  I'm sure she feels abandoned.  But no matter how many times we talk (over a year now) she just keeps doing the same thing over and over.  I'm at a loss as to how to help and really,  it's out of my hands.  At least that is what I have to tell myself. 

We can go on to the bitter end blocking out...............................

Character Defects

So I thought I had done steps 6 & 7.  However, I was reading a book that talks about those 2 steps and how exactly they can change our lives.  that when people say I need to do another 4th step that perhaps what they need to do is look at their character defects.  So I read on.  The part in the bb only has a few short lines referring to these crucial steps.  That amazes me.  But, as I read it says that God reveals more as we grow spiritually.  Thank God for that cause I am easily overwhelmed. 
How we allow that to happen is still a work in progress for me.  But, I pray for willingness......... daily

Speaking up.

Speaking at meetings has always come easily for me.  Why wouldn't it?  I'm a egotistical recovering person.  Well at times that comes across louder than others.  Is all that I share ego driven?  I hope not.  I hope that I am not speaking to hear myself, but rather to help another. 
Being the 'speaker" at a meeting is something entirely different.  It's hard and uncomfortable if for only a few minutes.  I experienced that this weekend.  Speaking at a small group where I had never been before.  And no one seemed to even be paying attention.  That made me feel like what I was saying wasn't important to anyone there.  I kept focusing on "the primary purpose" during the talk.  No head nods, no smiles.  What was going on there?  Was anyone happy to be sober AND at a meeting?  Just didn't seem so.  Afterwards a few members came up and thanked me for being there.  But what I realized is the only ones that did were long term sobriety.  I have no idea about the rest.  I took it to heart at first and then found the answer inside of me.  I was there to carry a message.  How they receive it is none of my busines..   Who knows maybe someone woke up Sunday morning happy to be alive and sober and remembered something I shared?! 
If not I can say that I stayed sober and had a good time doing so.

Working at being ok

Is that what we are supposed to do?  WORK at it?  Well let's break it down like this:  I may not be working at being ok, but I certainly do "work" at not creating more damage which ultimately keeps me in that "ok" place. 
I so want God working in my life that I am willing on a daily basis to do a few things.  Pray.  The 3rd step prayer gives me the exact direction I need.  I try to read out of our BB everyday.  I work with others, attend meetings.  And keep that contact all throughout the day. 
Thank you God for all that I am and all that I'm not..

Taking Action and then what?

I was perplexed.  No wait.  No I wasn't.  I was lost in self and self seeking motives.  I tried to venture out in this new life to date.  I couldn't.  It was disasterous.  Have I been alone too long.  Has sobriety changed me so much that I can not put up with anyones dumb behavior?  Not sure.  But I prayed without ceasing (isn't that what our literature says to do?) to find the answer to life's problems.  See he is still in my heart.  And very much in my life.  That man.  The one I've loved since 1991.  So, knowing I could move on and should, I asked God to help me do the right thing.  Which is stop seeing him.  So I told him, again.  We both cried but he does not want the old me.  REALLY?  Heck neither do I.  So, it ended again.  I'm free.  Or am I?  There is a part of me that just feels like all that he'n and she'n just messes w/ my mind.  So I took the action (telling him goodbye) and now?  Now what?  How do I wait to see what will happen?  Who am I kidding.  There is no waiting.  It's living silly.  Living while my God opens doors for me.  Doors that I couldn't have imagined.  He has done it several times since June 2007.  And my mind thinks that I can see or know my future.  Don't count on it.  I can't see around corners. 
Somedays I'm content just being.  Being me, single.  Other days I may panic about the future but feel certain I'm in good hands....
Where else should I be?   It feels right.  It feels good.  Today.