I was perplexed. No wait. No I wasn't. I was lost in self and self seeking motives. I tried to venture out in this new life to date. I couldn't. It was disasterous. Have I been alone too long. Has sobriety changed me so much that I can not put up with anyones dumb behavior? Not sure. But I prayed without ceasing (isn't that what our literature says to do?) to find the answer to life's problems. See he is still in my heart. And very much in my life. That man. The one I've loved since 1991. So, knowing I could move on and should, I asked God to help me do the right thing. Which is stop seeing him. So I told him, again. We both cried but he does not want the old me. REALLY? Heck neither do I. So, it ended again. I'm free. Or am I? There is a part of me that just feels like all that he'n and she'n just messes w/ my mind. So I took the action (telling him goodbye) and now? Now what? How do I wait to see what will happen? Who am I kidding. There is no waiting. It's living silly. Living while my God opens doors for me. Doors that I couldn't have imagined. He has done it several times since June 2007. And my mind thinks that I can see or know my future. Don't count on it. I can't see around corners.
Somedays I'm content just being. Being me, single. Other days I may panic about the future but feel certain I'm in good hands....
Where else should I be? It feels right. It feels good. Today.
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