Crazy - ness!

It's been one of "those days".  Hate, hate, hate the coworker so badly I want to run away.  I want to scream at the top of my voice at him,  ASSHOLE! 
I have prayed for relief for me.  Trying to "come to terms with" why I am so out of sorts here. 
here is my list:
*  I am a person that needs a word of encouragement now and then.
*  I am on edge constantly fearing I'll make a mistake.  I am always on guard so that the asshole won't have a reason to talk down to me.
*  No matter how hard I try, I am not liked here and I can feel it to my bones.
*  I keep retreating into my shell and my cubicle.  I need to leave.  I want to leave.   I will.

I have worked steps on this.  I see my part but that does not give me the relief I need.  Today is really bad.  Not having another worker to bounce this off of makes it 100x's worse.  It all gets stored internally.  Reinforcing those bad thoughts about myself:  your no good.  you are stupid.  you are a woman and do not have the sense to do this job.  I could continue........

Now, living w/ the truth is easier.   But today I was immersed in the problem.
Truthfully:  the coworker is an ass.  But I can not change him.   I must release this anger to God and move on.  Problem is everyday I am met w/ this kind of bullshit. 
Truthfully:  Some days I enjoy being here, but lately they are few and far between. 
Truthfully:  If there were more coworkers around and not just the 3 of us, i wouldn't give him the time of day.  But I need him for direction, which only comes when I make mistakes.
Truthfully:  They are both piss poor teachers.  They both act like they are God and I am not.
Truthfully:  That I ask God for relief.  And then I wait.  I turn my thoughts to something else.  OR it will consume my entire being.  Oh wait....... Too late.

I want to stay sober today.  Emotionally, Physically and most of all Spiritually.  Tomorrow will be different.  I pray daily for the desire and ability to handle the emotions of this place.  

Today they won.  Well no they haven't.  I am sober and I haven't killed anyone.  I am a good person and I can be a good worker.. given enough training.. AND treated like I matter.........