And we bury another one......

It is sad.  They say jails institutions or death.  I'll take recovery.  Last night the meeting was rather dark.  I mean everyone wanted to make it about how they are affected by this person's death.  After some sobriety (unclear how long, maybe a few years?) he goes in and out, in and out.   Until out is a slab at the morgue.  Of course we are affected.  He was a friend, a brother, a son, a father.   He was one of "us".  The ripple affect can be felt in may directions.  My anger dissipated early today after shedding tears and sharing fears w/ a fellow recovery AA'r. 
Today I don't want to die.   I mean we get busy living or get busy dying.  It's that simple.  But it wasn't that way, that long ago.  I did want to die.  I mean I begged God to take me or fix me and I didn't care which.  the pain was too great for me.   And I sit here today with 3.5 years of sobriety.  It has not always been easy.  But looking back it was always better than that last drunk.  Better than the slow death I was living. 
Now when I sponsor woman and they say I hate being sober I think well then go out and try some more.  When you really get tired of being tired of that way of living, doesn't it make sense to listen to what is said in those rooms.  Get busy working the steps.  Relief comes.  Real relief.  Relief from the bondage of all that held me down.  I bite my lip thinking about all that I lived through.  I could cry but why?  I mean it took what it took and it took a lot! 
When I think of living in the dregs of the universe I shudder w/ dismay and disgust.  My lowest was stealing from anyone that I could so that I could get what I needed just to survive.  Lying to anyone and everyone so that I could keep doing what I was doing.  A manipulative, coniving, lying thief of a shell of a woman that at one time had the love  of a terrific husband.  The admiration of co-workers, and the life that I thought would give me the peace and happiness that had alluded me my entire life.  We all know that won't and doesn't happen.  And the really sad part is that I didn't know that.  Ignorance is bliss?  Uh ignorance is sad.......
So, happily I write this with some semblance of peace of mind, lots of good things going on in my life and the best part is I can actually say I can feel the presence of a power that leads me in the right direction.  Wow  incredible. 
Now on to the funeral for  a man not yet 40 who just couldn't get this program....