Good Morning and Farewell

I took this this morning as the sun was coming up.  The picture is beautiful but still can do justice to God's painting. 
And this is a farewell to 2012.  I know for me it has been a year full of rewards and few setbacks.  As we close out this year I can say my family are all heathly and my sister continues to grow stronger.  My family ALL were together this xmas with the exception of a couple of neices.  ALL.  That is amazing.  And under one roof with no arguments.  THAT is amazing.  The headcount that night was 27.  Brothers, sisters and all that comes with them.  It was awesome. 
So my final entry for this year will be this.  I am heading out shortly.  No plans for anything festive for the evening.  My car just doesn't like being on the road on this night of sheer amiturish drinking and horsing around.  I left that life some time ago.
I pray that everyone end the year with no regrets and ring in 2013 with joy and hope of a great year!

I will always be...

I am and always will be an addict/alcoholic.  But today I am in recovery.  I feel bound by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I am a free woman.  Free and Clean.  Clean and Sober.

So tell me what the heck I am thinking;  today someone from my past came into my view.  Not rearview but view.  This person was someone I loved hanging out with.  My partner in crime if you will.  I have spent the past hour going through pictures posted on-line of her, them...  And I thought, no big deal.  But I found that isn't the case.  My stomach is flip flopping.  I realized how much I truly loved this person and all we had been through.  Even deep in our disease I always wondered what she would be like clean and sober.  Well now I am clean over 5 years.  And I have given all that up to God. 

Until today I had memories that seemed to fade like the sunset.  Until today I shuddered at the thought of those years spent running and who I ran with.  Until today.  Now I am praying for this sick feeling to be taken away.  I know that contacting her will only bring that life back to me.  I am working through this as I type.  As I wrote what I thought I know that I do not want that life again.  But for minutes I was without mental defense and that scared the hell out of me.

Until a few minutes ago I wondered, 'hmmm what is she doing now'?  Is she really straight?  A family member told me she is doing great.  And the truth is I miss our friendship.  We truly ran amuck but had some fun.  She was a crazy nut and kept me in stitches.  Most of the time. 

My disease will make this sound good to me again.  My disease is pushing me to that place that questions if we could be friends again.

My disease.  Will always be there/here.  but I do not have to feed it.  I don't have to like it.  But I have to aknowledge that it is there.  Not like a booger man hiding in the shadows, yet it is.

I have written it out of my head (the feeling that is).  Tonight I will go to my regular meeting and see "my friends"  that I have now.  None of which make me laugh that way but they also do not steal with me or lie with me or scheme................... you get the point, right?

Thank God I can lay this at His feet.  

June 13, 2007 was my last fix.  Thank you God for picking me up from that dismal, dark, scary life.

whew! 

Love should heal, not hurt

When someone we love hurts, we hurt, right?  Isn’t that the human connection?

If we/I didn’t I would worry.  Seriously.   But do we ever cross that imaginary line between care and control.  Trying to ‘fix’ it for someone to ease their pain as well as our own.  Put the big red arrow right here, on me.  I am guilty. 

Ever been bullied by the school yard jerk?  Perhaps a relationship idiot that can’t take ‘no’ as an answer and proceeds to push their will on you?  Ever said to anyone, “I don’t have a voice in this”?  Wish you had someone in your corner?  The newest term, “go to person” comes to mind.   Well do you?  Are you? 

I have a true issue with this very thing.  A need, if you will, to be heard.  So, when appropriate I want to shout out loud.  When squelched I want to jump up and down to be seen AND heard.  Remember the movie Dirty Dancing?  No one puts Baby in the corner.  Well that applies to me too.    Not having a ‘voice’ is the worst of all.

What does that connect to?  Feeling less than?  Like we don’t matter?  Absolutely.

Seems that is a reacurring theme with me.  But!  I’m aware and working to live beyond that.  Slowly.

I fear my precious grandkids have this same issue.  It crushes me to see them hurt but I know they can not be protected all the time. 

Life………… Where would we be without it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

What am I thankful for?  What about you?  When I look around today I see a plethra of folks that don't give a rip about society.  I see the masses devouring lives as if they were nothing.  A non entity.  A homeless man yelled out to the cars in the drive thru where I also sat, waiting for my turn.  Hey, anyone have a dollar?  I turned away.  Not becuase of the money but because I get annoyed.  Hmmm.  As I drove around the building I was saddened by that.  Annoyed at someone that needed something to eat?  Really?
Or did HE really?  Case in point; someone I know lived off of panhandling for months.   Gave me the inside scoup on how they work the system.  He said in a few hours he could accumulate more than if he worked for several days 8 hrs a day.  that is your money and mine.  And that is something I struggle with.  If i hand you MY hard earned money what YOU do with it is non of my business.  What IS MY business is do I give it or not?  Choosing not does not make us/me/you a bad person.  I suppose my gratitude is that I am not homeless.  Far from it.  But I do not look down on those that are.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  my 8th alone.  On the 27th (next week) rj and I would be celebrating 21 years of marriage.  Now, I can dwell on the negative, poor me side or smile and say, thank you God for rewriting the end of that misery.  Now moving on is a whole different story.

Thanksgiving.  When I was a kid I loved the holidays.  As screwed up as my family was I knew that during that time it just seemed everyone was happy, if only for  a minute.  I have mentioned this before but for a few years we would go to my aunt and uncle's house to eat.  Afterwards we would rush to their basement and watch March of the Wooden Soldiers.  A laurel and hardy escapade.  But I loved it.  I loved the atmosphere.  That of which i remember.  My parents had already separated so I'm sure my mother was still reeling from that pain.  My grandparents would come too.  So it was a houseful of kids and adults.  And this may freak my cousin out but I still remember they had a yellow lab named Timmy and a black cat named Cricket.  Funny the stuff we remember, huh. 

So for those few short years those were my favorite times. 

For those without families or those with families that are disconnected, for those folks without a home or money for food, moms without husbands, children without clothes... you get the picture, right?  Treasure what you have, give to those that don't.  A smile goes a long way but won't feed a hungry child. 

Stop and give thanks for what we/me have but look beyond and give of yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving

Jj

what will your mark be?

Will we leave a mark when we are gone?  Does what we do today touch the lives or make a difference in any way?  I hope so.  Not because I want people to grieve any more or less, but to leave a lasting memory to those I cherish.
A friend died suddenly the other morning.  Probably a massive heart attack.  Sad at best.  He leaves behind a host of friends and family to mourn and ask themselves, "will that be me next?"  Why is it that death brings us to a closer reality than anything we experience.  A reality of mortality.  It brings up reflection of who we are (after the reminiscing of who they were), what will happen to my family or just a smidgen of a glance at the impact our lives have made on those that knew us. 
Is that when it should begin?  Is that when we grab hold of who we are and begin to either make a change or increase our benefit to society thing?  God I pray that when I leave this earth that those around me can say, "good life, good person"
I do not think we should give of ourselves to get.  No, that is not the deal.  But giving of myself gives me great joy but knowing that somewhere someone will extend their hands to the next, and the next and so on.  Think of the old Travelers Ins commercial.  We are all truly connected (when we choose to be).
I for one, do not think God picked me out of my ruineous life to be a brick in the wall.   I want to be of service to anyone that I see in need.  ANYONE.  A hug, a smile, a word of encouragement (all free, all free).  Time seems to be an issue.  Giving of my time.  But I'm working on that one.  Money?  Well that is an area that I am just now addressing.  Gift of money in a quiet envelope.  Donations to Red Cross.  Now keep in mind as I do too, that no giving shall be done for benefit of oneself.  He sees and He knows our hearts.  My heart. 
I am beginning to love the people around me.  Beyond family.  Ok, work is still a work in progress.  I ask daily to forgive those that have harmed me and more importantly to be forgiven of hurts done to others, either known or unknown.  No longer playing the victim, I am now accountable for who I am.  How I treat others. 

If life is defined by what we own, then mine is lacking.  If life is defined by what we give, then mine is growing.  If life is defined by how our heart breaks for so many, then mine cries for mercy.  It is truly a gift we are given, now go share and let God direct our day.

Jj

Stand up, stand tall. YOU are worth it!

How painful is it;  to remain the same (stuck like glue) or take the action and walk through fear inspite of pain. 
Today I took a painful, fearful action.  Work.  Hate it.  Hate the jerk I work with.  Male dominated fricking jerks.  I can't say that enough.  Today was just like most of the others.  The "big D" pushing me into that dark corner again.  I can't fight this any longer.  Deep breathe.  Keep my mouth shut... and shut... and shut... Oh the hell with it.
Here is the deal.  MY deal.  I am important.  If not there then inside me.  I am important to my children, grandchildren, and family.  I realized after this episode today that I have been so blocked in that my whole personality was shut down.  I am so sad for me. 
Here is the deal (again).  so how do we learn in anything?  being taught?  taking chances?  well I've done the latter.  I have also begged to be taught in my job.  To NO avail.  What is wrong with someone that wants you to stay all bound up.  YOU DO NOT MATTER he screams without words. 
After many many bumps and bruises I told him no more.  That I was not going to do this anymore.  At first i was shaky.  I was fearful.  See I do not do conflict.  Not unless I am pushed to the edge.  And I am day after day.  What will he think if i stand up for myself?  Which I did.  It ended with me with huge crocidile tears voice as shakey as I have ever been there.  I couldn't get much out except  I was done.
He got quiet.  He said................. Don't get upset.   Dont' get upset.  Nothing is worth that.  He was kind.  I saw it in his eyes.  Human?  Nah.  
But I,  I    I stood up and said this is unacceptable.  HUH?  Me?  Wow.  God help me, God save me.  God  you know better than all my heart. 
It will never be a safe place to work.  It is not my place to rest.  It pays my bills but my self esteem is greatly compromised.  My spirit damaged. 
Does work have to be synonymous with hate?  Or any word close to that?  NO.  It will not be much longer.  I can not tell you the prayers, tears and compromise to be able to walk through that door daily.  This isn't living.  This is pain to the max. 
If I come out the other side it will not be unscarred but it will be a learning experience for me. 
I am worth so much to the ones that are my life.  And work is not part of that.

I just pray to the God that loves me more than I love my life........... 

Keep me safe until you move me.

Jj

Holidays and such

One week before Thanksgiving.  Am I truly thankful?  I believe I am.  Although I have a habit of focusing on the negative side.  I am working on that and know that I am better than I was.
Daughter cooks and what a spread.  I only have to contribute a few pies and bring myself.  AND they don't let me help clean up.  How much simpler and enjoyable can it be?  And this year for the first time in awhile the man child will be there.  Clean, sober and a part of.  My world seems complete.

Out of school all next week and when we come back we have 3 weeks and then finals.  I will get about a 3 week break.  I am already online checking out my spring semester classes.  See I do have renewed energy for this.  The negative side of me wants to say, 'yeah it won't last'.

Brother is living alone after his quickie divorce this summer.  I asked him to come eat with us.  He declined.  I hope he finds something to do.  I can't imagine being alone.  And really he has as big of a family as all of us do and if he chooses to be alone/stay alone then it is his choice.

I have in the past fixed a big plate of stuff for RJ.  He has a sister here but they do not see each other for Thanksgiving.  As a matter of fact, he will be alone.  His son lives in NC and they are not interested in connecting for the holidays.  How pitifully sad is that?

Speaking of 'him'.  We are going to Nashville in December for a few days.  My idea, his companionship and a great city to hang out in.  Should be (operative word being should) fun.  No expectations on my part.

Work is not good.  Still feeling very attacked.  Very put down.  I am searching hard and fast for employment else where.  Prayfully I hope that happens soon.  It is really hard for me to stand up to all this mean ness.  I lick my wounds like a dog cast aside and retreat into a cubed space that isn't a safe place at all.  I have to remind myself that others are sick too.  And unfortunately it is really taking a toll on me, work wise.

Sister in ICU again after a surgery yesterday.  Totally detached from her and her family.  Sadly enough that is her choice.  We sit back and watch or hear of her pieces falling apart.  From what I've been told she has lost an extreme amount of weight.  When asked why she responded with a lie.  So, life hasn't changed for her and the rest of us just sit by helpless.

  Enjoy this fall day.  Our leaves are falling fast!!!

Don't blink

Life can come at ya quick.  Then we blink and years have come and gone.  I was thinking about that yesterday.  Someone asked me how old my twin grandkids are.  When I answered 10 my mind took me back to that day.  Then of course it circled all around the years that followed.  Encompassing all the years I have been blessed with grandkids.  And how many changes have occurred.  Not just in my life but theirs as well.  At times I feel sad watching them change right before my eyes.  Those precious innocent babies that are loosing some of that.  Life for them will never be what it was for me growing up.  The world is just not a good place anymore.  Now, I'm not being an 'eyore' but that is the truth.  Kids disapear all the time.  Bad things happen to them and their families.  Scary as hell.

How do you protect them?  How can you say, 'please turn off those electronic devices and let's talk'?  They will never know the fun it was to ride a stick pony.  Play kick the can till after dark.  Roll down the hill inside a tractor tire.  Pick apples right off a tree and eat them without washing them!  You catch my drift, right?

All of our childhoods are different.  But really they are all the same as far as growing up goes.  But as generations change things become cloudy to the elders.  Kind of like when my grandfather would sit at his kitchen table and scratch his bald head and yell at the radio.  "the worlds gone to hell" and he meant it.  Well I don't know if I would go that far........... or should I. 

Life  like it or not................. it's here and gone.

Naked before all

She lifts her head up but only for a moment

Life has ravaged her sanity, her dignity

He walks away with the certainty that life will go on

She stands alone waiting for the screaming to end

Before she realizes there is no sound.

She wonders silently does time age us or does life

Or does it matter?  To anyone as they bustle by her

She is naked to the world but they can’t see

Their own lives are too filled with their own insecurities

Her thoughts race and then they disappear

Into a sea of hostility, hardly able to breathe

Even from a distance he watches, afraid

Afraid to turn away, she might go away…… forever

She wants too. She thinks perhaps then the pain will be over

Pain for whom?  They’ll be sadness all around

Just not from those that knew her at the end

Those that hurt and abused the quietness of her soul

The very people that deemed her unworthy of their time

The air that they breathe. 

So this is the call to them, to those that see and still do

Cover their shame with a cloak as dark as her spirit.

She is gone and tomorrow they will forget all they had done.

November 5th. Election day.

Why vote?  Why not?  What for?  Will it make a difference? 

Ever asked yourself these questions?  I have.   I was always the one that proudly stated, “I don’t care who wins” and I honestly meant it.  After all won’t your vote cancel out mine?  Why bother was my mentality.  Riding on the coat tails of a family that didn’t go to church or vote.  Huh.  Ok.  I get it.

Does my voice really matter?  Today it does, to me.  In my English class we have been forced (ok, jokingly, asked) to write several papers on this election.  I loved doing the research.  Never, never vote based on what you read or hear.  Do your own research.  I found it to be fascinating.  Someone that wouldn’t vote will now be at the polls bright and early.

Now, I have a split family.  Some Demo’s others not.  I was surprised to see the division.  What I found was that (ok, you probably already know this) blue collar votes Democratic; white collar goes the opposite direction.  So, I made a choice 4 years ago that I wanted to see change.  So, I voted Democratic.  Shshshshshsh.  I was proud to do so too.  Fast forward 4 years.  I am dismayed at all the politicals musings.  He said, He did.  Shut up! 

So, after that election I saw things I did not like.  So, I decided that the liberal demos just were not where I was headed.   I worked for Republicans for many years and began to believe what they “said”.  I had no moral high ground for myself so this seemed to make perfect sense.  I could see the shift going on right before my eyes.  Ha!  Again, following behind someone elses beliefs.  And still ignorant of that fact. 

Alright speeding time up; I eventually landed in the land of misfit toys.  I have decided (for myself) that after 3.5 years of bantering between political lines it got deeper and deeper.  And I did not like what “they” were saying.  Ugly, rude, untruthful statements.  

Finally about a few weeks ago I decided based on life facts;  I am a democrat.  YOU are MY people.  I am from that side of the tracks.  I did grow up with a modest home but still poorer than the kids around us.  But I now know that for me that makes the most sense.  I am not less than but equal and I’ll be damned if the Republican tribe would like to see us hurded up and put out to pasture.  That we are to stupid to make good decisions.  Well BS to you.  Cause I know what I am and believe.  YOU?  All people deserve to live harmoniously on this earth.  I know now that living in this environment (work) has pushed me to a place of acceptance.  And boy does it feel good

Is it real or in my head?

Some days things just suck.  Suck just the way they are.  But do they have too?  Now I'm not talking about the lives of all those affected by Hurricane Sandy.  No, things are horrible for them.  And who knows for how long.  the pictures just keep coming in.  Unbelievably painful to watch; I can't imagine living it.

No, I'm talking about having so much head noise that I can't see beyond it.  just yet.   Somedays it seems so right.  It seems to align with those forces that be.  But lately I fear more and more to be unsettled, more and more.  Too busy?  Too much associated with the angst of school?  When one area is out of wack it seems to permiate the air. 

I am grateful to be sober.  That always is priority.  I have begun to search out other options for meetings which is good. 

Over the past week or so work has gotten really sick (ening).  I just can't force myself past the male mentality here.  What I told myself this morning is the only thing I like about this job is the paycheck.  When did that happen?  How?  What now?

Action to take?  Maybe.  Inaction probably more appropriate.  Do  no harm.  Even to myself.  But right now, right this minute I am oozing meaness out.  I want to scream at the son of a bitches that I am worth something.  And that is what I talked to God about this morning.  My worth.  True worth is not, can not be measured by the friction here.  Nor anywhere. 

How to get to that point?  Acceptance?  Maybe.  Fighting against this or trying to stand up for myself is really hard.  I have tried here.  Several times and get smacked back down.  So, pavlov's dog, how many times are you going back? 

I am a great worker.  I am good with people.  I want to work.  I have something to offer.  But it is becoming increasingly apparant it isn't needed or wanted here.  I want to spit at both of them and walk the hell out.
Yeah that aint' happening.  I look online at jobs all the time.  I will get a professional to update my resume to show how awesome I am (tee hee).

This isn't the only show on earth and it certainly is not the greatest.  So, for today, I will keep my mouth shut but my eyes wide open.  Looking up, knowing He is shaping me daily, minute by minute.  You know how I know that?  Because if He wasn't I would have told that &^%^& to go fu$# himself.  That is who I am without God at the helm.  But damn how good that would feel to stand up and say,  I am too good to work here.  Just once.  And then walk to my car with a smile that no one can take away.

Yawn........ am i waking from a bad dream or daydreaming? 

Points to ponder can be useful or wasteful.  you decide.

For me...........  I will usher in thoughts of pride (right sized), incredible strength and assuredness that comes from one place.  HIM.

Aging is inevitable

I rear alot and love it.  That wasn't so for many years.  However, the other night in class we had to read this poem and write about it.  I was so moved by her words and the feelings it evoked as well as what if pulled out of me that I wanted to share it.  I hope I am not doing something unethical by posting it.
Certainly gave me many thoughts to ponder, what about you?

·         "Ethics" by Linda Pastan

 

In ethics class so many years ago 

our teacher asked this question every fall

if there were a fire in a museum
which would you save, a Rembrandt painting
or an old woman who hadn't many
years left anyhow? Restless on hard chairs
caring little for pictures or old age
we'd opt one year for life, the next for art 
and always half-heartedly. Sometimes
the woman borrowed my grandmother's face
leaving her usual kitchen to wander
some drafty, half-imagined museum. 
One year, feeling clever, I replied
why not let the woman decide herself?
Linda, the teacher would report, eschews 

the burden of responsibility. 
This fall in a real museum I stand
before a real Rembrandt, old woman,
or nearly so, myself. The colors
within this frame are darker than autumn,  

darker even than winter - the browns of earth,
though earth's most radiant elements burn 
through the canvas. I know now that woman 

and painting and season are almost one
and all beyond saving by children. 

Blow you old wind, blow away

If I have a problem it's huge.  If you do it's a minor inconvenience.  Right?  Well that is how I seemed to flow for a long time.  Look at me!  Look at my problems.  See how bad I feel.  Wanting to suck you into my misery.  How terribly sad to be that way.  Or worse yet, to be and not to know.

I am in awe of the force of nature.  I speak of the worst storm to hit the east coast in my lifetime and probably most.  This is what is left of the boardwalk in Atlantic City NJ.  10/30/2012.
I just shudder looking at the photo's.  the scenes of lives strewn all over the place.  Of worried people, sad people.  Will it ever be the same?  I say all of this to drop my "self" out of this post.  To focus on all the lives not to far north east of here.  I have relatives from Roanoke Va all the way up to Maine.  I lived in NJ as a child.  I have been to this boardwalk.  Life changes and evolves.  This isn't either.  It's clipped from the atmosphere never to be the same again. 

And I cry over .............. most things but why when I see this I am reminded how really small my problems are.  And they need to be left at that level.   Not blowing it out of proportion.  THIS is bad.   I, well I'm just a woman trying to live like I should.

Jj

sinking.

This may be written with some depression involved.  I am sinking.  School is just too much.   The math just isn't my forte and it shows.  I have to finish so I don't lose my funding but it is beginning to look bleak.
Work is depleting my competence.  Draining my spirit.  By Friday's I am spent.  Emotionally I take a beating at this place.  Such a male dominated environment.  I am glad I can say this without fear of retribution but I absolutely hate it here and I am trying desperatly to get the hell out.
Every avenue of my life right now, at this moment is untying.  Maybe it is supposed to.  Maybe I'm trying to push my way through this stuff.  All I know is something will give and I pray it isn't my sobriety.
BTW I did go to a new group (to me) the other night.  It was awesome to hear something different.  I did walk away with a renewed spirit.  That lasted about 12 hours. 
I can not keep beating myself up.  Every ounce of my being is consumed with fear.  And I know what that means.  I am truly trying to control the outcomes of my decisions.

I tried to focus my morning on positive affirmations, reading some literature and really going deep inside to find that necessary power to remain somewhat sane.

One of my precious sponsee's decided she is not in need of recovery.  She turned 21 during her 9 months in this program and has just decided she is not an alcoholic.  Albeit through massive tears.  Hmmm wonder why?

I will turn my emotional mess over to God to allow Him to set my path right.  What is the fear?  Failure. 
What is my part?  Staying in the problem.   Now pass it on to HIM!

See I feel better already.  Lets hope it sticks.

Mind, Body and Spirit

We only get one body.  Take care of what your given.  You’ll be old one day.  These were all things told to me while I aged.  I had a wonderful boss several years ago that was probably 25 years older than i.  He would get a ‘hitch’ in his git-a-long and he would tell me, ‘you wait.  This will be you one day’.  I can remember saying over and over,  no it won’t.  I feel too good for that to happen.  Well guess what?  Yup it has begun.  Actually began while I was still in the dark.  Medicated beyond what was necessary.  Medicated with those substances that weren’t supposed to be put in our bodies.  Like Rip Van Winkle, when I woke up I saw a whole new world.  What a shock.  And I began to see and feel of a body that I barely recognized, a face as well. 

Different things began to go wrong.  I have written about my knee and today that is a mess again.  I was going to run a 5-k in the morning.  Uh yup.  Wed. night the same knee that was operated on about 18 months ago went haywire.  After a trip to the ortho/surgeon yesterday they confirmed what I already suspected.  Arthritis, and no cushion in my knee.  Makes for an interesting life..

Ok, enough of the complaining.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I should celebrate daily that I am alive.  Remember, I did the best job I could at ending that.  What a mess.

So, my body can heal.  My mind still functions (mostly) and my soul has been restored. 

Breathe in and experience it all.

Six degrees of separation

What get’s passed down from generation to generation?  Good?  Bad?  Lets ponder this awhile.  I could argue that all the bad seeps through the seems.  I could say the good is there but not as prevelant.  And then I could be all wrong.  In my own family I can only see the negative side.  Alcoholism is a disease.  And my family heritage is rich with it.  A few got sober and stayed sober, a few eeked by with a drink now and again and the the rest….  Oh boy.

My dad, brothers and my son all have the exact body type.  Tall, lean (well at least they used to be), wide shoulders.  My dad was the epitomy of good looking.  And all the woman flocked to him.  My aunt told me the other day that my dad couldn’t help himself…… he had to marry all those woman. 

What about character?  Does our family shape it?  Does our past define it?  Or does our present (whatever that is) make it all fit? 

Emotions?  Why are some born with the ability to keep it in ‘check’ and some not.  (as in me).

Some are tall, some can sing.  Smart?  Good looking? (and I didn’t mean to sound like Dr Seuss.  (I don’t like green eggs and ham).

The answer is “I don’t know”  Do you?  I have thought about criminals and how they got to that point.  Upbringing?  Plight in life?  Drugs/Alcohol?  I don’t believe anyone, as a child says, “hey when I grow up I’m gonna……………” and include being a thug. 

And what about perceptions and how everyone has their own (although mine is skewed at best).  I have a natural curiosity that had to have come from somewhere.  My friends have dubbed me the ‘interviewer’ as I am prone to ask too many questions.  But I have a genuine interest in people.  Unless they are mean……..  Then I run the other way.

Oh and what about health?  Family history is really important in that one. 

So here is where I’m going with this.  What if we can change how our future generations act.  Not sure about looks though.  My dad died in 1992.  My son was 11 at the time.  I was shocked one day when I glanced at him and he was (my son) holding a cigarette just like dad.  He laughs like him.  He loves the woman… like him.  He drank like him.  He got sober, like he tried too.  Generational or not? 

Then there is my daughter who in high school her coach told her she looked just like me.  I was really proud of that.  Not sure if she was or not.  As the years rocked on I found less and less of myself in her and more and more she began to look and act like “that other side of the family” Which isn’t a bad thing, but it reminds me that choosing a mate and the father/mother of your children goes beyond the darkness of the night. 

Personalities.  Hmmm.  I do not have any traits of either of my parents, that I can see.  Although I didn’t really get to know either one very well.  They were both gone too early.  Too young. 

My (ex) son-in-law did not look like his dad or mom.  That troubled his dad for many, many years.  “is he mine” plagued his thoughts at times.  Well years later we were sifting through old family photos and wham!  We find a picture of an uncle.  Seems it was his mother’s brother or uncle.  I can’t remember.  But there was the ‘proof’.  There was that ‘gene’ that tied him (S-I-L) to the pack.  Seems it skipped a generation and showed up in the form of an uncle. 

So, do you look like?  Act like?  Walk like, …………… someone close or do you wonder?

So whether your lineage looks like this

Or this..........................  We're all connected...... Wouldn't you agree?

Whew!  I’m sweating at such a long post.  Forgive me……………….

Meet the purrfect roommates

8 years ago next month my whole world came crashing down.  Not to re-hash it but I was asked to leave my family.  I moved as quickly as he wanted me to.  I left behind my precious cat, Sassy that we had owned for as long as our marriage.  The next summer he found her laying in her favorite place in the sun on our kitchen floor..... she had passed away.  When "he" told me I couldn't breath.  I was beside myself.  I had not only ruined my life with "him" but I left her alone.  My reason for not taking her seemed so valid.  She was 13 years old.  She was growing old and I felt her home was where she needed to be. 
I tear up just remembering that.  He buried her before he told me about it.  He buried her in the soil that was bare from where the pool I had loved for those years had been.  He had given it to his friends who had children.  I hated him for all of those things.
I began healing VERY slowly.  Anger would ebb and flow.  He hated me for such a long time too.  But, let me get back to my precious babies.
A year after he asked me to leave I was so lonely.  Yes, I had my grandchildren, which was such a blessing, I had my kids, my siblings.  But no one was there when I opened the door at night. 
So, I began to search for a fur ball to comfort me, keep me company, something to love.  Again.
I started looking and had my heart set on another "sassy"  a small long haired grey tabby. As fiesty as could be all her life.  Eventually I came across a lady that rescues cats/kittens.   I went up there one evening looking for "sassy II".  When I walked into her living room there were about 5 or 6 kittens running around.  All different colors.  But there she was, another sassy.  A small, meowing tiger kitten.  I was drawn to her immediately.  She, on the other hand was not remotely interested or so it seemed.  But wait, what is this?  An ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten wouldn't leave me alone.  I would push him away and back he would run.  I was not interested in him at all.  Now, where is the little grey baby?  Hum.  Not even interested at all.  I sat on the floor petting the ones that would come scurrying towards me, all but her.  Oh and who was leading the pack, the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten.  See, I had never owned an orange cat.  I couldn't get passed that color.  But this little guy with all his mite had captured my heart.  So, I told the lady, I take him and where is that tiger kitten?  I'll take her too.  And so my new adventure with them began.  Once home and settled the grey baby that I eventually named Tiger Lily since my grandchildren had insisted she have a last name.  (they were 3 and 5 at the  time).  And the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced kitten was christened, Sebastian.  He was a mess.  He was sickly.  Nasty sickly.  And here I was not even attached to him (yet) and having to spend $ that I didn't have to get him well.  By about the 3rd or 4th week I began to bond with both.  Sebastian was still the one that insisted on climbing all over me at bedtime.  Tiger Lily was a little detached but did crawl up at night with us.  Well if I skipped all the growing they did and all the love they have given me it's simply because it would take page after page.  So, I will include a picture and you will see how absolutely gorgeous both of them have turned out to be.  We are not supposed to have favorites, and I don't but the ugly orange scraggly looking round faced  kitten has grown up to be a beautiful main coon that weighs 20 lbs.  He is the king of our forest.  Tiger Lily grew to a pleasant size of 8 lbs but is a fiery female.  Sebastian is so laid back.  I had him declawed as a kitten and wanted to have her done but I didn't have the funds.  So now he has mittens instead of claws which he sorely misses.  But, when she catches him off guard and bites his swishing huge long haired tail, he screams and jumps at her and swats her with the strongest paws around.  He may not be a fighter, but he will only put up with so much from her.  Now, she is my baby too.  She follows me from room to room no matter how long I will be in it.  She loves to come into the bathroom in the moring when i am getting ready for work and sit on the toilet and watch.  Occasionally letting out a small meow to let me know how much she approves of my look for the day.(wink, wink) .  Sebastian slinks around like a huge buffalo and insists on being brushed and combed anytime I am home and sitting still.  I, am the true winner in the whole deal.  I am complete with those two fur balls.  I no longer cry when I come home (and I suppose time has healed a lot of that) but i also encourage YOU to look for the uglies orange scraggly looking round faced kitten and love him like he is the best thing that ever happened to you.  I know he is that for me.  And Sassy II, well she never could be replaced but what I found was as precious!  x's 2.

See what did I tell ya!  Meet Sebastian (who needs no introduction) and precious Tiger Lily.  Purrfect roommates!

love to all who listen

Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.  At least I'm not running in circles.  I had to take a deep breath yesterday.  Just seemed too many people issues that I was trying to manage.  WTH?  But, I confess, I still (hell I never stopped) want to 'fix' people.... most of all my family.  (children).  I literally could not breathe.  I just had to stop, ask for help and move through it.  I did it.  He did it.  Now to the next "thing".  Honestly I hear so often (and speak it sometimes) is this it?  Is this what sobriety is all about?  No bells, no whistles, no fireworks.  Yup, most of the time, no.  Since we are such adrenaline junkies when life is quiet we look for something 'else' to fix that.  Peace we seek but when it comes we freak.  Incredible. 
Last night I heard (again) that one of our youngest members (19 I think) is out there again.  Seems he also ended up in jail.  Which is probably saving his life right now.  Remember the song, "oh when will they ever learn?"  Well?   Me too.  I'm not excluding myself from that list.
I realized this morning as I was talking to a sponsee that I was saying the things to her that I NEEDED to do.  Seems i have gotten so damn busy that I am praying less, meditating less, and staying right on the verge of that jumping off place.  Jump to where I do not know.  I won't whine about the school thing, but it's still  consuming most nights.  And if i'm not at school and I'm not doing homework I'm absorbed in "i need to be".  Fewer and fewer meetings.  Less visits to the gym.  It is gonna either take it's toll on me or I will allow the dust to settle and let things lie as they do/will.  The control is just an illusion.  I have little.

Work becons for the afternoon and school will be the nightcap. 

Love to all who listen.

Jj

"GRAND children"

Today is the birthday of my oldest granddaughter.  A beautiful young girl that has seen more than her share of adult emotional bs.  She was abandoned by her birth mother several years ago.  Just passed her on to her dad (my s-i-l) here, you take her I don't want her.  Really?  How do you not want your child.
But I digress.  She is awesome.  And I, for one, am so blessed to have her in my life.  Mac here is to you.  Happy birthday!  Next week my twin grandchildren have their birthday.  So, all of my babies will be in double digits by then.  THEN the week after that my daughter has her bday.  She is 20 years younger than I.  So, I am getting older and so are they.
I think back on my own childhood and recall with love spending time with my grandmother.  A sweet lady that passed away when I was 13.  She would come get me/us from our less than good environment.  And for a few days we were important....... to someone.  She took me to the dentist for the first time.  She taught us a prayer at bedtime.  She seemed to care about who we were.  How we were. 
My grandmother on my father's side was the most incredible woman I have ever known.  I do not believe she ever spoke of anyone or to anyone with disdain.  She read her bible daily.  I remember her coming to stay with us a few times.  My mom and dad had divorced but she was still interested in us.  US.  Wow!
This is how I want my grandchildren to grow up.  Knowing how much they are loved by the grownups around them.  The ones that have nothing to worry about while they are around but them.  I truly understand how parents get overwhelmed and let the joy of watching them grow up slip by.  Grandparents don't.  They come to my house and for years we have "had our adventures".  They loved guessing what this weekend would bring.  It didn't matter if it was going to the science museum or hiking on the mountain.  They loved it all and so did/do I.  So, as they mature, grow up, I grasp all they have to offer.  And I in return give all I have.  Somehow I end up on the better end of the stick.

Where are you right now?

Take it all in.  Cause it all matters.  It all makes our lives complete.  I have been so crazy crazy since school began.   Just quickly I will state it truly is more than i had imagined.  I only took into account that I would be at school 2 days a week for 3 hours each time.   I forgot to factor in homework.  LOTS of homework. 
Enough of the bashing.   So, the other day i found myself telling myself to stop.  Stop and take this all in.  Breathe.  look around.  notice the students.  The rooms, the atmosphere.  I find that so many times i am in such a hurry that i am actually 3 steps ahead in my brain, not in my steps.  I'm certain that has caused more accidents.  People just aren't present.  Me included.  So, where does that come from (or does it matter)?
Our quick paced world seems to encourage this way of living.  go, do more, fast, hurry up.  it's never, slow down!  Now the only way i know to change that is a)  awareness  and b)  do it. 
It is a fact that more people suffer from indigestion, migraine headaches, high blood pressure and we wonder why.  Of course the medical profession just keeps doling out meds like candy.  that quick fix that we all seem to demand these days.Ok, so back to the topic.  be in the now.  Try it.  Touch your nose many times a day to remind yourself to stay right here, right now.  Perhaps the whole idea is attached to not wanting to be in the present.  maybe it's too painful.  Maybe it's scary.  But if you look back over event the past few months, think about what you have done, experienced.  My bet is that time flew by and you can't recall with sufficient force all that happened.   Ever written a check, mailed it and then wondered if you had paid that bill?  Ever planned on stopping by the store on your way home only to get home and remember?  The other day I was so wrapped up in angst that I left the house 1/2 thinking on my way to work and actually had to stop and think:  did i put on panties?  a bra?  makeup?  brush my teeth.  Laugh but the truth is i was not present in the moment and robotically accomplished those mundane tasks without thinking or absorbing and hence not remembering.  How scary is that?  Ever drive down the road and get a mile or two or 10 and snap back to here and now and wonder who had been driving cause you sure weren't.   I have more times than i care to admit.

So, this morning on my way home from the gym the sun was just coming over the horizon (for us the mountain) and i mean just a ball of fire.  Gorgeous.  I wish i had my camera.  I just sighed and thanked God for that beauty.  As i scanned the mountains it hit me.  i have traveled this road hundreds of times.  And how many times have i noticed those mountains? 
I suppose, for me, slowing down would certainly help.  But i am wired to run wide open.  And then collapse at the end of the day.  I don't know any other way.  But i'm willing to try.  just try........
I had a boss whom I adored tell me many times,  "sssslllloooowww down'.  Others see it.  As i live it.
so love this day.  be in this day.  even the rough times.  even the sad times.  and most of all the good times.  cause we blink and its tomorrow and i don't want to wonder anymore what my day was like.......

It's a beautiful fall day in the south.  cooler.  awesome.  and it's friday.

Jj

Endless or Mindless?

Endless possibilites............ or is it?
I decided to tackle going to school.  Or is it back to school?  Ok, back.  Back as in 37 years later.  oh my,  17 when I graduated.  I'll be 54 this month.  Now, I was well aware that as I've aged (and boy have I) my ability to retain information has decreased considerably.  strike 1.  I have always had an attention problem.  strike 2.  I am working during the day and going to school at night.  strike 3.  The homework alone takes up most if not all of my spare time.  strike strike strike!  I have squandered many hours since my divorce just doing as I pleased.  running hither and yon (ever wonder where that came from?) stay up late or go to bed early.  Go to the gym or stay in bed.  lounge around on saturday or swim in the pool.  Alabama football or oh hell no.  this can't take the place of my crimson tider's.  
Ok, back on track.  I take my first test tonight.  Math.   (M) aybe (A) ge and (T) ime have (H)elped.........
Well fact is....... I've forgotten everything.  

Now where was I going with this......... Oh yeah  is this worth it?  I am in recovery.  My entire life was spent either running away or hiding away from anything that made me uncomfortable.  It's my nature.  Well some time ago I found that became too much of a bad thing.  So, facing reality head on is something I'm new at.  Might I add....... still not the best at.  But I'm trying.    And then this.  It has, in 3 weeks  3 WEEKS  driven me to hate everything a little at a time. 

Big ball of angst.  You get the point right?  And not the point that broke off my #2 pencil this morning after days of scribbling.  You think I'm funny, no?  It's all true.  And I've got the pictures to prove that even my housemates are trying to get my attention..........  to them silence is not golden.  I must make some changes.  But what?  Where?

To be continued:



Hey Mom could ya give a guy some lovin'



Where do we go from here?

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.....................
Without hurting anyone, I just read the most gut wretching life story I have heard in awhile.  It ripped to my core and I suppose it is because it could have been my story.
Several years ago............... in the depth of dispair, sick of my life, sick of me I had no idea of how to stop the pain.  The most intense pain I have ever been in.  I was so deep into the darkness of my soul that I feared the dawn, the darkness, the reality the starkness of being alone.   Truly....... alone.
I begged God to please, please take me.  I cried like a baby.  I screamed at the top of my lungs.  I ... was going to put a radio in the bathtub with me hoping to cut short my life.  I had no other means to end it.  No garage, no pills, no gun.   but the will to live and cut through the sadness just wasn't there anymore.

Why or how we get to that place is an individual experience.   I lost a family member at the age of 24 to this very thing I write about.  He put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.  In an instant he was gone. 
See, the pain we feel (without the thought of anyone else) is so deep we can not see anything beyond it.  I'm sure "he" couldn't either.  And my dear blogger friend (family) has shared something so powerful that I am in awe of her honesty.  Her willingness to share something that, by all accounts could have been left to the memories of those who loved her the most.  And those of us that never knew.  Until now.  JaW  you have a spirit that is being pulled in a direction that is beginning to prove itself if only to those who are on the outside looking in.
While not being close enough to touch you physically, emotionally we are connected.  Please know that.

We all come to  a place of complete surrender.  Some never have too.  I, for one, am so glad I did and you did too.

My blessed cousin, my kindred spirit......... thank you for being here.

I love you from afar!

Jj

Your story reached my soul

I am speechless.  I am bewildered.  I am amazed.  Does anyone walk around waiting on a "sign' of that ultimate power.  That God shot.  The burning bush, if you will?  I do.  In the beginning I got them quickly,  I felt better.  My job faired better, family began to forgive me............. But nothing compares to what i read earlier from my cousin.  Without repeating the whole thing http://everclevertimes.blogspot.com/ this story can be read here.  Unbelievable story of how "powerful" this power can be.  Now, I choose to call that power God.  Some may choose differently.  Look as long as you believe that there is a force greater than anything you/we/ I know than this won't be written in vain. 
I have heard stories of children that after having a near death experience they say they saw a man in white or they say Jesus.  I totally believe that.  I think kids have such an open spirit that they are able to see far better than adults, who, with their tarnished souls can't or won't see beyond their own capabilities.  I, for one, know that He has worked major changes in my own life.  My sons life.  family........  I could go on.......
Can we fathom walking around without a little faith?  Without some coat of armour acting, not as a shield from all things bad, but rather a protection that says,  we will get through that of which should have or could have killed us..................
If I sound silly, then check your own spirit.  Check your own life.  Where has it been?  Where is it going, or better yet........ Where are you taking it?  I ran my life into the ground.  And others with it.  Selfishly I drug (no pun intended) anyone in my way down with me.  I say this anytime anyone will listen.  When I layed on that hard ass wood floor my cats looking at me like I was dying (and I was) I knew that it was the end.  And I shouted to Him who could only save me or take me.......... please with a voice so sick......... get me out of MY hell.  And He did.
I sigh with that relief that comes from truly knowing that you/me are a miracle.  I should have been dead or locked up by now.  Or rather by 5 years ago.

So, here is to you, Peter, where ever you are, where ever your life is taking you.  Your family is safe within the realm of the spirit.  Now, you have shared with someone all the way in Alabama you story.  Without even knowing it.  Joyce you have given me the best gift possible.  I am the one that is humbled. 
It is a beautiful, hot sunny day in September.  Fall will be here before we know it.  but the warmth I feel right now, sitting in my airconditioned office is something brought on by my faith.  Faith in that unseen force. 

Jj

Dusting off the mess

When it rains, it pours.  Now how I react to it is up to me.  And REact is just what yesterday was about.
Dare, DARE I complain of my blessed life.  Disclaimer right up front.  However, I will lay out the issue(s) that came up and the culmination thereof.
First; School.  Holy Moly what am I thinking?  Totally overwhelmed and it's only been one week.  Just so much to absorb both scolastically as well as everything being tied to this database or that one.  Now, in a perfect world all the mechanics would be working.  Yup.  Nope!  It literally has taken me screaming, crying, talking to tech support, doing online tech support to finally get access to 2 of the 3.  So, I'd call that on a crawl, not a roll.  This is part and parcile of all the hoop jumping for class schedules, financial aid blah, blah, blah.  I refuse to talk about my math class.  Suffice to say it's somewhat kickin' my a**. 
On top of all of this worldly clammer my home computer started being a pain.  No wireless internet connection, well none that stayed more than a day or two.  Damnest thing I have ever seen.   Ok, so after all that building up and I mean UP I finally had a meltdown yesterday.  I took off work to, once again address all of this.  I'm sure work is beginning to grow weary as I.

I will stop with all the details.  All of this was yesterday or the day before or last week.  AND I totally stepped all over one of my "tools".  Stay in today!  Now today as in yesterday, was bad enough to not want to be there anyway.  But, today.  what is happening TODAY.  I have to keep that in the front of my thinker.  See I will catastrophize the smallest of details IF I allow it all to pile up.  And boy did it.   So, today is another day.  I have a job that I show up for and must be present for.  I have school tonight and that will end my day.  See,  here and now........... It's all we have.  Lest I forget!  Everyone must learn by their own doing (or undoing) as the case may be.  You can share your experience with me which allows me to shake my head in agreement but walk away having to digest my own..   That is the law of nature.  It's a law we can't change.  Or if we try it means incredible awareness.   Today I'll stick with my own and hope to goodness I get to finish today with lots of knowledge and happiness.  Both of which are not only doeable but possible.  

All because I stopped doing what had become the biggest detriment of my life.  Thank God He never stopped picking me up.  (she says as she simulates dusting off of her britches)  You get the picture.  And if not:

Connection

Just how connected are we really to where we live, the friends we choose, the family we keep, the jobs we need.........?  I have wondered from time to time why our family has chosen to stay close to the place we have lived since 1968.  Not being from the south originally, I still have the fondest memories of "the north".  Sledding, ice skating, watching out the window while the snow fell, enjoying the thrill of it all.  Having a father that was as much of a kid as we kids were, he loved to take us sledding.  It was the best times.  When we abruptly moved I remember the last memory was me standing on our next door neighbors porch, gazing at the field across the street soaking up all their was to see and hoping that I would never forget that memory.  I haven't.  It fades and some times what I remember is different that my siblings.  So, am I still connected to a memory or a legacy?  My mother's side of the family was from the north.  We still have relatives living there.  If finances and time were of no issue would I venture north?  Sure I would.  Have you ever lost a loved one that you had a troubled relationship with?  And sometime goes by and you begin to remember them as good, saintly even?  Well is that how our memories serve us?  Nothing stays the same.  Heck even the place where we live has changed, grown, expanded.  Roads have been added, buildings erected, some neglected.  But, there my memories. 

Look at the job you have?  Or the ones you walked away from.  Good or bad memories?  Another example of time whitewashing the bad.  In most cases.  Like a woman giving birth who thinks she will never forget that pain.  I was one.  Within a few years that too had been replaced with another child  or a better memory.  It's as if that is the gift we get.  We "get to" remember as we choose.  Get too being the operative words.  I suppose I could conjur up those bad ones.  But why?  Isn't it more fun to highlight the ones that bring the endorphins to the surface?  Don't we want and like to feel good about "fill in the blank"? 
Friends?  Some come for a season, a reason or a lifetime.  Think of that and go back and visit the years of those relationships.  Especially when you grow ... dare i say... older. 

I could keep meandering through this subject but choose to come to a close.  If you find one that is still painful..... take a good look at it.  Is there something you are still learning?  Is there forgiveness you haven't given?  We can make it whatever we want.  It's our choice.  And I love choices.

2 steps forward 1 step back.....

Please for the love of God (she says to herself) DO NOT beat yourself up about a step backwards.   That is unless that step is back into drugs and alcohol.   So, I felt a tad beat up by life.  Overwhelmed and alone.  (wait that should say lonely).  Cause I am never alone.  Anyway I called "him" and the rest is history.  As I left there this morning at 5am, I thought to myself......... one more time, jj, one more time.  Isn't that what I/we always say when there is something we want/need to give up and we just can't.  Or won't.  Whatever the case may be. 

Today  is the 2nd day of school.  I am more prepared.  I am more excited.  It is interesting to go from work mode to school mode and back again though.  But I will keep moving forward.

Today in the south it is a cooler 70 degrees outside right now.  Much lower humidity so it feels so awesome.  I still am not ready to move into the next season, but then again, I tend to dig my heals in over anything I am "not ready' for it to change.  You think I'm a tad stubborn.    uh..... nah!

Kids/grandkids are back in school too.  Thankfully the transition from summer back to school seems to be a smooth flow......... for now.

So, lets keep moving no matter what, ok?

Jj

It's official.

It's official.  It's begun.  Last night was my first night/day at school.  Was I the oldest?  Not sure.  What I am sure about is I left there totally lost.  Lost in fear, lost in knowledge, lost in a sea of people.  The other quite obvious thing is, I wasn't alone.  I could see the lost look in some of the students.  I got an awesome math instructor (correct terminology for teacher at this level).  Complete with bow tie.   It may end up being a better class than I thought. I figured my english comp. class was going to be the easy part.  Uh, no.  It seems we do more writing in there than I figured.  AND all assignments, grades, etc is done electronically.  Ok, I'm no dinasaur but really?  Huh.  pretty cool.
Not much more to tell but once the groove gets set in I shall increase the writings again.  It's gonna be a hellova ride.

Jj

School DAZE

MY books.  I am so excited.  I start school on Monday 8/20/12.  I gotta tell ya the math book is so big it goes in a binder.  Dang!  I pray I won't fall on my face.  I won't allow negative thoughts (energy) come near me.  So, hi ho hi ho it's back to school I go.

On a different note.  Like a drug I am detaching from a long relationship that has got to end.  It has now been 5 days.  Now to a normal person that may sound ridiculous.  Too folks like me it's hard.  I have known this man for 21 years.  I have loved him more than I have anyone (well except my children and grandkids).  He, however, left me a long time ago.  So, the process has begun.  Healing has been going on for sometime now.  Letting go is a different story. 
Intertwined in this - is another relationship demise.  A family member who needs us really bad.  Devistated by another's choice, he is putting one foot in front of the  other in spite of how he feels.  Today he signs his divorce papers.  People are so quick to throw away relationships it is just amazing.  However, what I have learned from my journey is that I will never do to another human being what has been done to me.  And actually I have done this, many years ago.  But I could not or would not feel what he felt.  Now I understand.  If we learn anything from our life experiences then we are ahead of the world.  Most of which are so busy clawing their way around their circle of life, they hardly give others the time of day.  I have learned to do that (give of myself).  So, the pain has brought many things into my life.  Hopefully it will for him too.

Tonight we will have dinner together.  Then trek to another family members house and have movie night.  How fun is that? !  We will pop corn and engage in laughter and watch as he begins his healing journey.
Life can throw us curve balls, smack us down and then turn us loose again.  Our job is to keep going no matter what! 

I for one am a prime example of that!  I am secure in the belief that a God so powerful has been with me all along and knew exactly what I needed.  So I can breath.  I can relax.  I can go back to school and enjoy all that HE has given me.

Jj