I will always be...

I am and always will be an addict/alcoholic.  But today I am in recovery.  I feel bound by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I am a free woman.  Free and Clean.  Clean and Sober.

So tell me what the heck I am thinking;  today someone from my past came into my view.  Not rearview but view.  This person was someone I loved hanging out with.  My partner in crime if you will.  I have spent the past hour going through pictures posted on-line of her, them...  And I thought, no big deal.  But I found that isn't the case.  My stomach is flip flopping.  I realized how much I truly loved this person and all we had been through.  Even deep in our disease I always wondered what she would be like clean and sober.  Well now I am clean over 5 years.  And I have given all that up to God. 

Until today I had memories that seemed to fade like the sunset.  Until today I shuddered at the thought of those years spent running and who I ran with.  Until today.  Now I am praying for this sick feeling to be taken away.  I know that contacting her will only bring that life back to me.  I am working through this as I type.  As I wrote what I thought I know that I do not want that life again.  But for minutes I was without mental defense and that scared the hell out of me.

Until a few minutes ago I wondered, 'hmmm what is she doing now'?  Is she really straight?  A family member told me she is doing great.  And the truth is I miss our friendship.  We truly ran amuck but had some fun.  She was a crazy nut and kept me in stitches.  Most of the time. 

My disease will make this sound good to me again.  My disease is pushing me to that place that questions if we could be friends again.

My disease.  Will always be there/here.  but I do not have to feed it.  I don't have to like it.  But I have to aknowledge that it is there.  Not like a booger man hiding in the shadows, yet it is.

I have written it out of my head (the feeling that is).  Tonight I will go to my regular meeting and see "my friends"  that I have now.  None of which make me laugh that way but they also do not steal with me or lie with me or scheme................... you get the point, right?

Thank God I can lay this at His feet.  

June 13, 2007 was my last fix.  Thank you God for picking me up from that dismal, dark, scary life.

whew!