sinking.

This may be written with some depression involved.  I am sinking.  School is just too much.   The math just isn't my forte and it shows.  I have to finish so I don't lose my funding but it is beginning to look bleak.
Work is depleting my competence.  Draining my spirit.  By Friday's I am spent.  Emotionally I take a beating at this place.  Such a male dominated environment.  I am glad I can say this without fear of retribution but I absolutely hate it here and I am trying desperatly to get the hell out.
Every avenue of my life right now, at this moment is untying.  Maybe it is supposed to.  Maybe I'm trying to push my way through this stuff.  All I know is something will give and I pray it isn't my sobriety.
BTW I did go to a new group (to me) the other night.  It was awesome to hear something different.  I did walk away with a renewed spirit.  That lasted about 12 hours. 
I can not keep beating myself up.  Every ounce of my being is consumed with fear.  And I know what that means.  I am truly trying to control the outcomes of my decisions.

I tried to focus my morning on positive affirmations, reading some literature and really going deep inside to find that necessary power to remain somewhat sane.

One of my precious sponsee's decided she is not in need of recovery.  She turned 21 during her 9 months in this program and has just decided she is not an alcoholic.  Albeit through massive tears.  Hmmm wonder why?

I will turn my emotional mess over to God to allow Him to set my path right.  What is the fear?  Failure. 
What is my part?  Staying in the problem.   Now pass it on to HIM!

See I feel better already.  Lets hope it sticks.