How painful is it; to remain the same (stuck like glue) or take the action and walk through fear inspite of pain.
Today I took a painful, fearful action. Work. Hate it. Hate the jerk I work with. Male dominated fricking jerks. I can't say that enough. Today was just like most of the others. The "big D" pushing me into that dark corner again. I can't fight this any longer. Deep breathe. Keep my mouth shut... and shut... and shut... Oh the hell with it.
Here is the deal. MY deal. I am important. If not there then inside me. I am important to my children, grandchildren, and family. I realized after this episode today that I have been so blocked in that my whole personality was shut down. I am so sad for me.
Here is the deal (again). so how do we learn in anything? being taught? taking chances? well I've done the latter. I have also begged to be taught in my job. To NO avail. What is wrong with someone that wants you to stay all bound up. YOU DO NOT MATTER he screams without words.
After many many bumps and bruises I told him no more. That I was not going to do this anymore. At first i was shaky. I was fearful. See I do not do conflict. Not unless I am pushed to the edge. And I am day after day. What will he think if i stand up for myself? Which I did. It ended with me with huge crocidile tears voice as shakey as I have ever been there. I couldn't get much out except I was done.
He got quiet. He said................. Don't get upset. Dont' get upset. Nothing is worth that. He was kind. I saw it in his eyes. Human? Nah.
But I, I I stood up and said this is unacceptable. HUH? Me? Wow. God help me, God save me. God you know better than all my heart.
It will never be a safe place to work. It is not my place to rest. It pays my bills but my self esteem is greatly compromised. My spirit damaged.
Does work have to be synonymous with hate? Or any word close to that? NO. It will not be much longer. I can not tell you the prayers, tears and compromise to be able to walk through that door daily. This isn't living. This is pain to the max.
If I come out the other side it will not be unscarred but it will be a learning experience for me.
I am worth so much to the ones that are my life. And work is not part of that.
I just pray to the God that loves me more than I love my life...........
Keep me safe until you move me.
Jj
Wow, you say it all so clearly. I feel/felt your pain. Your heart will find a new job with you.
ReplyDeleteYes, you have asked, and wait till you find what waits for you. If ya have to stay where you are; at least you have a new thickening armor of self worth that'll keep your dearest heart strong and ready.
And I cheer with tears when I hear you say how much you know you're valued and loved by your grandkids, your kids, your family ~
Yes, life sucks only to build our character right girl? You got it. I'm sorry too (as I often am in mine)( for your non-perfect life, and it's pretty damn awesome to overshadow the pain we feel.
Well done. Fantastic morning paper, even good in the afternoon.