I am at a loss. Really, I am.
When I was asked to leave my marriage I spent too many years trying to
regain ‘him’. It was awful and painful
and I have only myself to blame for the longevity of it all. Well, sort of. I would walk away and he would beckon me
back. He would turn to leave and I would
follow. A totally sick relationship and
one that lasted almost 24 years. In and
out… in and out.
I began a journey
away from that several years ago. A
fitful, tearful but meaningful all the same.
I am not going back down that road except to explain the title. He just can’t let go. After months of dating someone else and being
happy, he has pulled on me harder than ever.
I have not turned back but have repeatedly told him…. We are done.
So, while I would
have basked in the ‘see there’ and ‘feel
this’ crap. But I’m not that person; I
don’t want anyone to feel that kind of pain that I lived in for years. I cringe just thinking about it. But, for him I want that even less. He will now have some healing to go through
which may scare the heck out of him, then again… maybe not.
It feels so good to
let go. It feels even better to open my
life and heart to a new person. Someone
that has not hurt tied to me. Someone
that says, ‘you past is just that, leave it there’. He may only be around for a season but in the
interim I pray for my own understanding of how ‘he’ is processing where ‘he’ is
today.
There was a shift
and I felt it all the way down to my own heart…
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