The darkness can be filtered out!

 

My darkness can take over quickly.  It can permeate every right action, right thought…. However, what I know is that I can overcome! 

As I was running in the early morning darkness, ilumiated by a beautiful full moon…. I began to cry.  I thought of this past weekend and a really hard conversation I had with “S”.   One that included words like, peace (or the lack there of), fear, happy, elephant in the room, and future. 

When I am full of fear of the future my peace goes out the window.  Everything becomes too heavy to bear.   Then the happiness of the moment is swallowed up… 

As we held hands walking along a nature walk close to my house, I began to share ‘my truths’ with him.  It was hard.  It brought on tears, but in a sad way it also brought on empowerment.  I am in control (ok, HE is) of where I’m going….that I can’t allow his circumstances to dictate (not that he is asking) my direction.  He is still healing from the death of his wife and that takes precedence over most things he is dealing with right now. 

So, we cried, talked, cried some more and I was not comfortable with saying goodbye but I need my peace more than anything.  However, after truly putting this in God’s hands…. Asking for peace to return and clarity in what I’m feeling (damn those ‘feelings’) I was willing (not ready) but willing to do something different.  Not sure all of what I said remained in him, but we were able to walk through a few more things that were not easily defined.

Ok, so we are staying together (silly question) through this season in his life.  Her bday and anniversary of her death are coming up and it is weighing heavily on his heart (and rightfully so).   He made some observations and expressed feelings I had no idea about.  I listened and shared my own.

I matter.  How I feel matters.  See even though I was taught to put what I feel to the side…. I couldn’t.  But he….. rolls with the tide, and amazingly so…..

So, all is better on the relationship side but those nasty fears sprung up while I was running this morning.  What if?  What now?  Etc……

As the tears began to flow I just asked Jesus to take them away.  Please help me!  Help me to be comfortable alone if that is HIS will.  Asked for peace to fill my soul, again.  And that I want that more than anything and I mean ANYthing.  See if I put anything in front of my relationship with God… everything becomes messy and entangled and people get hurt.   Me, them… us….

So, as I got to my garage I just asked for help….. peace has settled over me and that is due to me asking and realizing I could be the problem. 

So, bright moon… still air…. Lots of runners…. But most of all   Me and God!