I am reminded often while working w/ woman newcomers how hard early sobriety is. I mean it does get easier BUT the beginning is hard. It was extremely hard for me due to lots of consequences. He left. Probably the hardest thing besides getting sober that I had to deal with. Creditors, family crisis. It was all there. So, just sobering up obviously was not enough. And those early days were horrendous. But I digress.
so I get a call from a sponsee last night, frantic! Help my husband is going to get high and wants me to go with him. He wants all our $$. I won't be able to go home. Uh yup. I get it. That's what we do when we aren't getting sober. Through sobs she determined she needed a place to crash for the night which she found in a caring soul in our group. i talked to her this morning and she actually had slept well, stayed sober and was feeling stronger than ever about sobriety. HERS! Bingo that's what it takes, right?
So, as she muddles through these trying days of dont' drink, go to meetings, clean house, trust God and work w/ others we shall see how this program unfolds in her life. It won't be easy. No home, no car, no family close. That is what we are get with early sobriety. But I always say the good news is you get to stay sober. For without that all your choices go out the window.
Thank God for all that I am and all that I'm not. And today it teeters more to the all that I am side of the sober scale.
She will get there, just like the rest of us, one day at a time.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
And we bury another one......
It is sad. They say jails institutions or death. I'll take recovery. Last night the meeting was rather dark. I mean everyone wanted to make it about how they are affected by this person's death. After some sobriety (unclear how long, maybe a few years?) he goes in and out, in and out. Until out is a slab at the morgue. Of course we are affected. He was a friend, a brother, a son, a father. He was one of "us". The ripple affect can be felt in may directions. My anger dissipated early today after shedding tears and sharing fears w/ a fellow recovery AA'r.
Today I don't want to die. I mean we get busy living or get busy dying. It's that simple. But it wasn't that way, that long ago. I did want to die. I mean I begged God to take me or fix me and I didn't care which. the pain was too great for me. And I sit here today with 3.5 years of sobriety. It has not always been easy. But looking back it was always better than that last drunk. Better than the slow death I was living.
Now when I sponsor woman and they say I hate being sober I think well then go out and try some more. When you really get tired of being tired of that way of living, doesn't it make sense to listen to what is said in those rooms. Get busy working the steps. Relief comes. Real relief. Relief from the bondage of all that held me down. I bite my lip thinking about all that I lived through. I could cry but why? I mean it took what it took and it took a lot!
When I think of living in the dregs of the universe I shudder w/ dismay and disgust. My lowest was stealing from anyone that I could so that I could get what I needed just to survive. Lying to anyone and everyone so that I could keep doing what I was doing. A manipulative, coniving, lying thief of a shell of a woman that at one time had the love of a terrific husband. The admiration of co-workers, and the life that I thought would give me the peace and happiness that had alluded me my entire life. We all know that won't and doesn't happen. And the really sad part is that I didn't know that. Ignorance is bliss? Uh ignorance is sad.......
So, happily I write this with some semblance of peace of mind, lots of good things going on in my life and the best part is I can actually say I can feel the presence of a power that leads me in the right direction. Wow incredible.
Now on to the funeral for a man not yet 40 who just couldn't get this program....
Today I don't want to die. I mean we get busy living or get busy dying. It's that simple. But it wasn't that way, that long ago. I did want to die. I mean I begged God to take me or fix me and I didn't care which. the pain was too great for me. And I sit here today with 3.5 years of sobriety. It has not always been easy. But looking back it was always better than that last drunk. Better than the slow death I was living.
Now when I sponsor woman and they say I hate being sober I think well then go out and try some more. When you really get tired of being tired of that way of living, doesn't it make sense to listen to what is said in those rooms. Get busy working the steps. Relief comes. Real relief. Relief from the bondage of all that held me down. I bite my lip thinking about all that I lived through. I could cry but why? I mean it took what it took and it took a lot!
When I think of living in the dregs of the universe I shudder w/ dismay and disgust. My lowest was stealing from anyone that I could so that I could get what I needed just to survive. Lying to anyone and everyone so that I could keep doing what I was doing. A manipulative, coniving, lying thief of a shell of a woman that at one time had the love of a terrific husband. The admiration of co-workers, and the life that I thought would give me the peace and happiness that had alluded me my entire life. We all know that won't and doesn't happen. And the really sad part is that I didn't know that. Ignorance is bliss? Uh ignorance is sad.......
So, happily I write this with some semblance of peace of mind, lots of good things going on in my life and the best part is I can actually say I can feel the presence of a power that leads me in the right direction. Wow incredible.
Now on to the funeral for a man not yet 40 who just couldn't get this program....
Thursday, November 11, 2010
To say I HATE this disease is an understatement
Or should I? If I reflect on my own path it lead me to a God so full of grace he gave me the strength to go on when no one else cared if I lived or died. But it takes so many of us too. This morning I got "that" call. One of my group members was found dead of probably an overdose. I am sitting here grieving for all that he was and could have been. He was 40 years old. His sister, dad, wife and step mother all are part of our group. His mother is beside herself. We bury ourselves everytime one of "us" dies this way.
To never have known relief before dying of this disease is sad enough. But he had been in our rooms. He had been sober. I asked about him the other day. It was not good news. But we ALWAYS reserve hope, don't we? It is in this realm that I say I HATE this disease. I HATE what happens if we don't seek a solution. But if we never knew then we never knew.
But what about those of us that knew and still chose to return to that darkness? Is that worse? Who knows?
I said a pray for the handful of us that will mourn the loss of someone too young to die but older than most for having lived the life he had.
I am grateful for the opportunity to stay sober one more day and be of use to his family that is left to pick up the shattered pieces of a life cut short too soon.
For you WP may you finally have the peace you so craved........
To never have known relief before dying of this disease is sad enough. But he had been in our rooms. He had been sober. I asked about him the other day. It was not good news. But we ALWAYS reserve hope, don't we? It is in this realm that I say I HATE this disease. I HATE what happens if we don't seek a solution. But if we never knew then we never knew.
But what about those of us that knew and still chose to return to that darkness? Is that worse? Who knows?
I said a pray for the handful of us that will mourn the loss of someone too young to die but older than most for having lived the life he had.
I am grateful for the opportunity to stay sober one more day and be of use to his family that is left to pick up the shattered pieces of a life cut short too soon.
For you WP may you finally have the peace you so craved........
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Am I right?
That is not a question for you to answer but a point to ponder.
I had a sponsee slip. so did her hubby. HIS sponsor wanted me to come over and sit w/ the 3 of them and help them come up w/ a relapse prevention plan. Really? what plan could possibly be better than our steps and the power of a God much greater than I? I explained that I was taught by the woman that have shared my path, that what's beyond the end of my nose is none of my business. That I am here to help MY sponsee. Her hubby is not my concern. He chatted about what the book says. That we are to leave our jobs, go out when we don't feel like it, to lend our help where it is needed. Oh great. I had no comeback for that one except anger. But after talking to MY sponsor I got out the bb. Under the chapter "working with others". Chocked full of information. The least of which talked about how we go about helping others.
Doesn't it also say we do not make this our occupation?
I talked w/ my sponsee last night. I explained I'm willing to help her through the steps but the rest of this has got to be thought out.
Now, on to why he bothers me. That, my friend, is about not liking to be told what to do. I know that about myself from working those steps. I also know that to be open minded I am living as a wide eyed wonder kid and eager to learn. That you taught me within those rooms.
God puts people in our path. How awesome that, today, I 'get to' share my time with them.
I had a sponsee slip. so did her hubby. HIS sponsor wanted me to come over and sit w/ the 3 of them and help them come up w/ a relapse prevention plan. Really? what plan could possibly be better than our steps and the power of a God much greater than I? I explained that I was taught by the woman that have shared my path, that what's beyond the end of my nose is none of my business. That I am here to help MY sponsee. Her hubby is not my concern. He chatted about what the book says. That we are to leave our jobs, go out when we don't feel like it, to lend our help where it is needed. Oh great. I had no comeback for that one except anger. But after talking to MY sponsor I got out the bb. Under the chapter "working with others". Chocked full of information. The least of which talked about how we go about helping others.
Doesn't it also say we do not make this our occupation?
I talked w/ my sponsee last night. I explained I'm willing to help her through the steps but the rest of this has got to be thought out.
Now, on to why he bothers me. That, my friend, is about not liking to be told what to do. I know that about myself from working those steps. I also know that to be open minded I am living as a wide eyed wonder kid and eager to learn. That you taught me within those rooms.
God puts people in our path. How awesome that, today, I 'get to' share my time with them.
Friday, November 5, 2010
CHANGE(S)
I came here to learn how to live without drinking. Without hurting anyone else. What I heard scared the hell out of me. I had to change one thing... and that was EVERYTHING! How do you do that? EVERYTHING? Really? It took quite awhile to even believe that I needed an overhauling. A complete change in how I think, which changes how I react and feel. How do I do that? Really, I only want the bad stuff to stop happening. That's it.
Well I jumped into this program everytime something got really bad. When life straightened out, bam! Right back out I'd go. And each time it got worse. And each time I would tell myself, "it can't get worse than this". And sure enough I would manage to make it that way.. and then some.
Then I heard, "we have ceased fighting anything or anyone". And slowly that is happening. Not a bandaid fix which once the scab heals I go back to redamage it. But a true psycich change. One necessary to bring about recovery. I am of the educational variety it talks about in the apendix. I believe most of us are. Tell me then let me do it on my own and find out the hard way. (does this sound familiar?).
Thus my life began again. June 14, 2007. Although I also had sometime in Oct 2004 and then Dec 30, 2005. But this time, yes this time, I wanted to change. Not just so the hurt would stop, but so that I could live daily without alcohol.
And that is what you promised "if" I worked those steps, lived the principals.
Wow! Who would have thought this?
Well I jumped into this program everytime something got really bad. When life straightened out, bam! Right back out I'd go. And each time it got worse. And each time I would tell myself, "it can't get worse than this". And sure enough I would manage to make it that way.. and then some.
Then I heard, "we have ceased fighting anything or anyone". And slowly that is happening. Not a bandaid fix which once the scab heals I go back to redamage it. But a true psycich change. One necessary to bring about recovery. I am of the educational variety it talks about in the apendix. I believe most of us are. Tell me then let me do it on my own and find out the hard way. (does this sound familiar?).
Thus my life began again. June 14, 2007. Although I also had sometime in Oct 2004 and then Dec 30, 2005. But this time, yes this time, I wanted to change. Not just so the hurt would stop, but so that I could live daily without alcohol.
And that is what you promised "if" I worked those steps, lived the principals.
Wow! Who would have thought this?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Let me not forget that this disease wants me dead!
I was reminded of this again last night when another group member told me about a young girl that came to our group for a short few weeks and one night went home and hung herself. She died but was brought back to life. Yes, she was found hanging fromt he second story balcony in her complex. Brought back to life! She stayed in the hospital for a few weeks. She is a miracle. And hearing of this brought tears to my eyes. Especially after spending time the night before, on the phone, w/ a sponsee that just can't accept the God thing.
Understanding w/ my heart that we die from this dis-ease is hard at times. I mean my head tells me that is the truth. But until you see it straight on.... the doubt is always looming.
I went to one of our inpatient facilities last night. they allow us to bring our experience, strength and hope to the woman on Monday nights. Doing this is part of giving back but it allows me to see how some people still don't see how grave the whole "addictive lifestyle" truly is. I saw one woman giggling and having a good time and I could not stop thinking about the lifeless body of the woman as she hung from the balcony.
Why do so many of us die? Our book tells us some of us do. I am so grateful that I was willing to hang on and do a few things to insure sobriety. EVEN when it seemed futile. Even when most of what I am feeling is trying to steer me into that lie once again.
This is a better deal. I am incredibly comfortable and reasonably happy. All by the grace of God.
Understanding w/ my heart that we die from this dis-ease is hard at times. I mean my head tells me that is the truth. But until you see it straight on.... the doubt is always looming.
I went to one of our inpatient facilities last night. they allow us to bring our experience, strength and hope to the woman on Monday nights. Doing this is part of giving back but it allows me to see how some people still don't see how grave the whole "addictive lifestyle" truly is. I saw one woman giggling and having a good time and I could not stop thinking about the lifeless body of the woman as she hung from the balcony.
Why do so many of us die? Our book tells us some of us do. I am so grateful that I was willing to hang on and do a few things to insure sobriety. EVEN when it seemed futile. Even when most of what I am feeling is trying to steer me into that lie once again.
This is a better deal. I am incredibly comfortable and reasonably happy. All by the grace of God.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Dare I mention GOD>?
I have a sponsee that is unable/unwilling to accept the idea of a power greater than her. We talked for quite awhile last night about how you grow in that idea. I pointed out the spiritual experience in the appendix of the bb. I shared my experience. We talked about the entire God idea and I found myself wincing at the thought of not believing in something, anything that could lead me in a direction of sober living, sober thinking, sober acting.
I had to think back (although not that long ago) at my journey to this understanding. I shared that it has changed as I have grown. It has evolved as I have stayed sober.
But later that night as I reflected on our conversation, I was saddened to think that what I was trying to do was convince her that this is the way to sobriety. Convince, really?
Why didn't I labor long of how many times she tried to stop and couldn't. Why didn't we languish in the truths of her path up to this point? It all seemed totally worthless to me as I lay there in the dark thanking God for keeping me sober and knowing she was at the jumping off point. She asked if I believe in heaven and hell. I told her yes to the heaven. She told me that if she didn't believe in hell she would have checked out of this world already but she was too afraid that would certainly condemn her to whatever that concept is for her. Which sounded scary.
I quickly jumped on that idea. Well if your too afraid to die why don't you get busy living? they say that willingness is the key. THE key. It has to begin somehwere. We ended the tear filled conversation with a promise from her to me that she would at least try the 3rd step prayer daily for awhile. Just see where it leads you.
Then I get a call today at lunch. From her. She was ecstatic. A former ballet dancer and a member of an elite dance troope that years ago was filled with hard fisted believers... yup Christians. AND she admited to me that back then she wanted what they had. they all were happy. loving life. And she was not.
Well out of the blue she received a call from the director today. They will be in town tonight and invited her to come to see them. What? Really? I could not resist,. A GOD thing. REALLY? I trust that is exactly what that is......... She seemed giddy and, at the most, accepting that it was an odd call at best. After all the last time she had anything to do with them she was proudly denouncing the entire outfit as Jesus Freaks and she wanted no part of them anymore. She was happily going on her way w/ pockets of Xanex and any other pills she could fit in those size 0 jeans. That lasted 7 years.
7 years and NOW the call comes in. 7 years. REALLY?
God is amazing. He is all around and I got to experience that sense of joy that was spilling out of her today.
Unbelievable. and less than 24 hrs ago she was ready to leave this life. REALLY? REALLY? hmmmmm
I had to think back (although not that long ago) at my journey to this understanding. I shared that it has changed as I have grown. It has evolved as I have stayed sober.
But later that night as I reflected on our conversation, I was saddened to think that what I was trying to do was convince her that this is the way to sobriety. Convince, really?
Why didn't I labor long of how many times she tried to stop and couldn't. Why didn't we languish in the truths of her path up to this point? It all seemed totally worthless to me as I lay there in the dark thanking God for keeping me sober and knowing she was at the jumping off point. She asked if I believe in heaven and hell. I told her yes to the heaven. She told me that if she didn't believe in hell she would have checked out of this world already but she was too afraid that would certainly condemn her to whatever that concept is for her. Which sounded scary.
I quickly jumped on that idea. Well if your too afraid to die why don't you get busy living? they say that willingness is the key. THE key. It has to begin somehwere. We ended the tear filled conversation with a promise from her to me that she would at least try the 3rd step prayer daily for awhile. Just see where it leads you.
Then I get a call today at lunch. From her. She was ecstatic. A former ballet dancer and a member of an elite dance troope that years ago was filled with hard fisted believers... yup Christians. AND she admited to me that back then she wanted what they had. they all were happy. loving life. And she was not.
Well out of the blue she received a call from the director today. They will be in town tonight and invited her to come to see them. What? Really? I could not resist,. A GOD thing. REALLY? I trust that is exactly what that is......... She seemed giddy and, at the most, accepting that it was an odd call at best. After all the last time she had anything to do with them she was proudly denouncing the entire outfit as Jesus Freaks and she wanted no part of them anymore. She was happily going on her way w/ pockets of Xanex and any other pills she could fit in those size 0 jeans. That lasted 7 years.
7 years and NOW the call comes in. 7 years. REALLY?
God is amazing. He is all around and I got to experience that sense of joy that was spilling out of her today.
Unbelievable. and less than 24 hrs ago she was ready to leave this life. REALLY? REALLY? hmmmmm
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