Dusting off the mess

When it rains, it pours.  Now how I react to it is up to me.  And REact is just what yesterday was about.
Dare, DARE I complain of my blessed life.  Disclaimer right up front.  However, I will lay out the issue(s) that came up and the culmination thereof.
First; School.  Holy Moly what am I thinking?  Totally overwhelmed and it's only been one week.  Just so much to absorb both scolastically as well as everything being tied to this database or that one.  Now, in a perfect world all the mechanics would be working.  Yup.  Nope!  It literally has taken me screaming, crying, talking to tech support, doing online tech support to finally get access to 2 of the 3.  So, I'd call that on a crawl, not a roll.  This is part and parcile of all the hoop jumping for class schedules, financial aid blah, blah, blah.  I refuse to talk about my math class.  Suffice to say it's somewhat kickin' my a**. 
On top of all of this worldly clammer my home computer started being a pain.  No wireless internet connection, well none that stayed more than a day or two.  Damnest thing I have ever seen.   Ok, so after all that building up and I mean UP I finally had a meltdown yesterday.  I took off work to, once again address all of this.  I'm sure work is beginning to grow weary as I.

I will stop with all the details.  All of this was yesterday or the day before or last week.  AND I totally stepped all over one of my "tools".  Stay in today!  Now today as in yesterday, was bad enough to not want to be there anyway.  But, today.  what is happening TODAY.  I have to keep that in the front of my thinker.  See I will catastrophize the smallest of details IF I allow it all to pile up.  And boy did it.   So, today is another day.  I have a job that I show up for and must be present for.  I have school tonight and that will end my day.  See,  here and now........... It's all we have.  Lest I forget!  Everyone must learn by their own doing (or undoing) as the case may be.  You can share your experience with me which allows me to shake my head in agreement but walk away having to digest my own..   That is the law of nature.  It's a law we can't change.  Or if we try it means incredible awareness.   Today I'll stick with my own and hope to goodness I get to finish today with lots of knowledge and happiness.  Both of which are not only doeable but possible.  

All because I stopped doing what had become the biggest detriment of my life.  Thank God He never stopped picking me up.  (she says as she simulates dusting off of her britches)  You get the picture.  And if not:

Connection

Just how connected are we really to where we live, the friends we choose, the family we keep, the jobs we need.........?  I have wondered from time to time why our family has chosen to stay close to the place we have lived since 1968.  Not being from the south originally, I still have the fondest memories of "the north".  Sledding, ice skating, watching out the window while the snow fell, enjoying the thrill of it all.  Having a father that was as much of a kid as we kids were, he loved to take us sledding.  It was the best times.  When we abruptly moved I remember the last memory was me standing on our next door neighbors porch, gazing at the field across the street soaking up all their was to see and hoping that I would never forget that memory.  I haven't.  It fades and some times what I remember is different that my siblings.  So, am I still connected to a memory or a legacy?  My mother's side of the family was from the north.  We still have relatives living there.  If finances and time were of no issue would I venture north?  Sure I would.  Have you ever lost a loved one that you had a troubled relationship with?  And sometime goes by and you begin to remember them as good, saintly even?  Well is that how our memories serve us?  Nothing stays the same.  Heck even the place where we live has changed, grown, expanded.  Roads have been added, buildings erected, some neglected.  But, there my memories. 

Look at the job you have?  Or the ones you walked away from.  Good or bad memories?  Another example of time whitewashing the bad.  In most cases.  Like a woman giving birth who thinks she will never forget that pain.  I was one.  Within a few years that too had been replaced with another child  or a better memory.  It's as if that is the gift we get.  We "get to" remember as we choose.  Get too being the operative words.  I suppose I could conjur up those bad ones.  But why?  Isn't it more fun to highlight the ones that bring the endorphins to the surface?  Don't we want and like to feel good about "fill in the blank"? 
Friends?  Some come for a season, a reason or a lifetime.  Think of that and go back and visit the years of those relationships.  Especially when you grow ... dare i say... older. 

I could keep meandering through this subject but choose to come to a close.  If you find one that is still painful..... take a good look at it.  Is there something you are still learning?  Is there forgiveness you haven't given?  We can make it whatever we want.  It's our choice.  And I love choices.

2 steps forward 1 step back.....

Please for the love of God (she says to herself) DO NOT beat yourself up about a step backwards.   That is unless that step is back into drugs and alcohol.   So, I felt a tad beat up by life.  Overwhelmed and alone.  (wait that should say lonely).  Cause I am never alone.  Anyway I called "him" and the rest is history.  As I left there this morning at 5am, I thought to myself......... one more time, jj, one more time.  Isn't that what I/we always say when there is something we want/need to give up and we just can't.  Or won't.  Whatever the case may be. 

Today  is the 2nd day of school.  I am more prepared.  I am more excited.  It is interesting to go from work mode to school mode and back again though.  But I will keep moving forward.

Today in the south it is a cooler 70 degrees outside right now.  Much lower humidity so it feels so awesome.  I still am not ready to move into the next season, but then again, I tend to dig my heals in over anything I am "not ready' for it to change.  You think I'm a tad stubborn.    uh..... nah!

Kids/grandkids are back in school too.  Thankfully the transition from summer back to school seems to be a smooth flow......... for now.

So, lets keep moving no matter what, ok?

Jj

It's official.

It's official.  It's begun.  Last night was my first night/day at school.  Was I the oldest?  Not sure.  What I am sure about is I left there totally lost.  Lost in fear, lost in knowledge, lost in a sea of people.  The other quite obvious thing is, I wasn't alone.  I could see the lost look in some of the students.  I got an awesome math instructor (correct terminology for teacher at this level).  Complete with bow tie.   It may end up being a better class than I thought. I figured my english comp. class was going to be the easy part.  Uh, no.  It seems we do more writing in there than I figured.  AND all assignments, grades, etc is done electronically.  Ok, I'm no dinasaur but really?  Huh.  pretty cool.
Not much more to tell but once the groove gets set in I shall increase the writings again.  It's gonna be a hellova ride.

Jj

School DAZE

MY books.  I am so excited.  I start school on Monday 8/20/12.  I gotta tell ya the math book is so big it goes in a binder.  Dang!  I pray I won't fall on my face.  I won't allow negative thoughts (energy) come near me.  So, hi ho hi ho it's back to school I go.

On a different note.  Like a drug I am detaching from a long relationship that has got to end.  It has now been 5 days.  Now to a normal person that may sound ridiculous.  Too folks like me it's hard.  I have known this man for 21 years.  I have loved him more than I have anyone (well except my children and grandkids).  He, however, left me a long time ago.  So, the process has begun.  Healing has been going on for sometime now.  Letting go is a different story. 
Intertwined in this - is another relationship demise.  A family member who needs us really bad.  Devistated by another's choice, he is putting one foot in front of the  other in spite of how he feels.  Today he signs his divorce papers.  People are so quick to throw away relationships it is just amazing.  However, what I have learned from my journey is that I will never do to another human being what has been done to me.  And actually I have done this, many years ago.  But I could not or would not feel what he felt.  Now I understand.  If we learn anything from our life experiences then we are ahead of the world.  Most of which are so busy clawing their way around their circle of life, they hardly give others the time of day.  I have learned to do that (give of myself).  So, the pain has brought many things into my life.  Hopefully it will for him too.

Tonight we will have dinner together.  Then trek to another family members house and have movie night.  How fun is that? !  We will pop corn and engage in laughter and watch as he begins his healing journey.
Life can throw us curve balls, smack us down and then turn us loose again.  Our job is to keep going no matter what! 

I for one am a prime example of that!  I am secure in the belief that a God so powerful has been with me all along and knew exactly what I needed.  So I can breath.  I can relax.  I can go back to school and enjoy all that HE has given me.

Jj

What am I thinking?



You mean I have to read all the pages?

 Ok, so in school many, many years ago I was a poor student to say the least.  I was either too shy to speak up for fear of being made fun of, or playing the clown to either a) draw attention to me or b) push it away.  Either way I did not do well.  Fast forward many years.  I find I am ADD.  I think I had known that for a few years anyway.  I may have addressed this here buy your gonna have to listen again. 
First off the medication I was given was a stimulant.  Uh, I'm an addict and I eagerly got my hands on it and began, right out of the gate taking too many.  It actually had a horrible effect and therefor was not what I thought I needed.  the next medication was supposed to work without the stimulation.  It did not.  And again, I tried to "force" it to give me a buzz.  Strike out!  So here i am now, sober and of sober judgement.  Great so far.  Also a woman that is past her prime (if you will) and still struggling to remember stuff.   AND I go and enroll in the Jr college here.  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
I go from holy crap to wow in seconds.  I go to pick up my books later today.  I paid for the classes and now it's a "go" for Monday. 
I will go at night.  Which thankfully most days my "job" doesn't wear me out mentally.  So work during the day and then to school 2 days a week.   I know it will impact my life, and it should.  I have been on the go since my divorce 8 years ago.  Now that will have to change.  Ok, I can do that.  Getting up at 4am to go to the gym...... uh ok, I'll try.  Staying close to my recovery group..... NECESSARY!  without sobriety I don't stand a chance.  So, homework, work, playtime, recovery time, me time, sponsee's time, dinner time, wait, did I say ME time?  Isn't all of this ME time?
And this is taking my mind off of "him".  Isn't that just like God?  At least my God.  I just laugh at the whole thing.  How all this is playing out.  And most of all that I am not filled with dispair about "him" and moving forward.  Not to another, but to another time consuming deal.  Huh.  Sounds good to me. 
Me.  All by myself me.  If I allow myself to indulgence of "waaaa" I will be going backwards.  Nope, not today.  His grace is sufficient, as I am learning.  I may not always be ok, but somewhere inside of me I know "it" will be ok.
Enjoy today.  Life today.  Smile at the world, today.  Give a stranger an acknowledgement.  We ALL matter.  And that is what counts, right?

4 days and counting!

Good Morning All and I do mean GOOD!

I am jubilant!  Just recently I have been addressing some much needed areas of my life.  Personal in nature but I am certain I am not alone.  Oh the pain of uncovering the who of our lives.  However, the joy comes in small pieces.  In learning (yes, learning) how to let my guard down (trust), listen to my heart and allow that omnipotent power flow through, I am in a growth pattern.  I feel so much hope today where yesterday I felt sadness.  Sadness to speak my truth to someone whom I have loved for a long time.  To allow MYSELF to be important enough to ME to speak up and say........... I'm done.  Oh the compromises I have made all for a manipulative woman to get what she thought she wanted.  I am learning not to compromise (as much).   I can say (for me) relationships have always been hard.  Hard at truly connecting although I never realized that till recently.  The walls were just too high and too thick.  In learning to love who I am  RIGHT at this moment gives me the joy and freedom of acceptance and the desire not to compromise when it comes to the "man woman thing".  I hope that makes sense to any woman struggling with the same issue.
I had a sponsor a few years back that told me over and over and over to trust my instincts.  To trust my inner self.  Although I thought I was/had, the truth (my truth) is before me once again and it shows a different story. 
I am climbing another mountain of uncertainty.  I am starting school next week.  Yup at 53 I am taking that leap.  Am I afraid?  NO.  Apprehensive, yes!  I bought 3 books today that totaled $300.00.  Tuition is almost $1,000 just for 2 classes.  I'm going at night which means giving up my freedom to roam wherever I choose on Monday's and Wed.  but it will be good.  Perhaps some scheduling changes will occur with meetings and working out.  But I will address that as I need too.

Leaving behind who I was and accepting where I am right here, right now is exciting!
 Join me on my journey which will be shared in this blog.

Negative or Positive it's all a choice

A post this late in my day may go to the negative side (as polar opposite of positive)   Seems being tired plays a huge role in how I feel which bleeds over into how I perceive things.  Check out my cousins blog http://everclevertimes.blogspot.com/ she puts it well.  It's my perception of the world and all it has to offer that gives me my reactive state.  Ok, like is the glass 1/2 full or 1/2 empty.  I call it the Eoyore syndrom.  "oh bother".  I actually started this post 3 days ago.  I hate leaving them unfinished so I will post this regardless. 
See I'm not tired and guess what?  the positive side shines through. 
To be grateful today consists of the following:
I have God in my life - running  my life
I am healthy
I have kids that are healthy and reasonably happy
My ex is no longer angry with all that happened.
I am employed
I can pay (and do) my bills
I'm no longer afraid of the mailbox (don't laugh)
I have all the essentials and then some
I paid my car off
I have freedom like I've never known. 
I actually want to get up at 4am and go to the gym.
You got it........ I stay grateful and when I don't I hit a list like this and take a second look around.

Today is a great day to look up

If there is one thing I know is, looking up is a choice and not one that is easily remembered.  How self absorbed am I to take the reigns of my life AND think I can do a better job than HIM?  
So as I pass through each day including right now, I have to be conscience of those thoughts, actions that are harmful or just plain selfish to those around me.  What a task, right?  It takes me a millosecond to jump to fix, control or change my surroundings including you.  What I have been taught, (ok hammered into my head) is this new life I've been given complete with sober thinking, includes sober acting too.  And that it really begins with awareness.  What a concept. 
Living in the now is something foreign to me.  I'm getting better but again, my mind drifts into fear, worry or jubilation depending on the mood or circumstances.  An old sponsor I had used to laugh and say, Jj put your finger on your nose.  This is where your supposed to be......... right here!  I used to do that many times a day just as a reminder.  See right here is all we have.  Why look beyond it.  Tomorrow will take care of itself. 
So, back to looking up.  As in things will get better, watch the sky for rainbows and most imortantly  GOD!  Keep His power right in front of me.  Looking up for the reminder  He has this.  He knew what he was getting when he picked me up that incredibly painful day. 
Remember I have written about that .   Seems boring now until I go back in my mind and the feelings come rushing back.  This is me shuddering.  brrrrrrgh.

So look up.  Take it all in.  Give that power something to work with (as if He doesn't know already) and walk with the confidence given to us daily by Him.

Enjoy the journey

The name of this blog is Breathing Lessons and boy did I need that this morning.  Ever have one of those mornings/days where everyone or thing around you just seems to be out of sorts?  Daughter calls.  House got struck by lightning (we insure her)  Mom what do I do?  I thought I had upset a dear blogger.  School insists I foot the initial tuition/books fee and they will release my funds in 30 days.  Really?  If I had the money I wouldn't ask them for more?  Good Grief.  AND I have hit another brick wall with work.  I need to take off tomorrow about 3:30.  Certainly doesn't sound like a problem but were a small office and 1 of us is already gone.  With me that leaves 1.  And that is a problem.  I will cross that bridge when it gets time.
So all before 10am I felt like a brick was on my chest.
Fast forward a few hours.  Everyone is fine, daughter is sorting through the items hit.  Resolved my fear with my blogger friend (ok relative)  now......... on to work. 

See this is the deal; we address things as they come up, right?  Hmm for me that has always been difficult.  First of all I need time to process.  Process the who and the what without making a decision or a choice.  Problematic is that I am also on the ADD/HD side and my nature is to jump before I think.  
And as things get piled up I begin to feel overwhelmed and, well, shut down. 
Back up the ball of yarn as the wise owl has said to me.  See where things went off track.  Honestly looking at the who and the do.
Somewhere in the midst of the clammer I can find my truths.  I can hear my soul saying, "quiet down, all is well".   stop managing the world.  Breathe (as my cuz said to me earlier) and by the way  http://everclevertimes.blogspot.com/  you are gifted writer.  don't stop. 

So, I take a deep breathe, stop for a moment and take in all that is happening and break it all down to manageable pieces. 

And dance like everyone is watching but no one cares!

Learning to let go

Ok, a huge problem for me is the thing called CoDependent.  Being dependent on someone for your happiness.  Therefor when they can't or don't give you what you need, or they are in a foul mood or their stress becomes yours  YOU are probably codependent.  So here is the deal:  So I am now what?
Can I possibly search out my insides to varying degrees to find this hidden mystery?  My counselor said that just like my recovery from the dark side (drugs and alcohol) and how I was so amazed that the rooms of AA held the key to not drinking, hence the data collected is only the beginning.  So that is where I am.  However, I know just enough to be dangerous.  Man child last night; angrier than I've seen him in awhile.  Get s angry at me when I ask why.  Slams out of the house at 9pm.  This morning he gets up and wizzes past me to go smoke outside.  Not saying a word but full of anger still.  I got ready for work and right b4 I left I see he is back in bed.   Ah   he lost his job.  No wonder he is angry, worried....  I get it.
But my problem is that I want to fix it.  Make it better so both of us are ok.   It seems I have always been that way.  lets not go to childhood with this.  I'm an adult and going forward I want to not do that.  Kind of like when we know better we do better. 
There are many steps I must take do stop doing what I have always done.  Allowing others to make their own mistakes and correct their own mistakes.  To stop trying to figure out what the next step is in their lives.  Breathing through the process that is just beginning.

We shall continue.................

blowin' in the wind............

If there is one thing I've tried NOT to do is blog when I'm down, or upset or afraid.  It usually comes out as poor pitiful soul and I don't like that part of me.  Not that I can't embrace it..but it's trash when it get put in black and white.   However, I will say this much about those times;  I have learned and continue to learn from them.  For instance - hang on,  everything changes,  you have to walk through fear, trying to avoid or ignore it does not make it go away.  Besides, maybe your/my growth comes from the act itself not the fear.  So on to the day, today.   It's a hot, humid summer in the south.  Miserable doesn't even begin to paint the picture.  But, alas, summer will soon be a memory and I for one, do not want it to end.  I am a water baby and always have been.  This weekend we will  venture once again to kayaking.  My family member that is struggling even as we speak, to regain his footing will be our main concern.  He is going through another rough patch.  Marriage ending, finality of the door slamming.  I know all too well that sense of complete aloneness that comes from the quietness of an empty house.  He has asked me "how did you get through this"?  Ha! Don't do what I did.  I spent the next 4 years trying to regroup.  Gain my spirit back.  So... I have no solution other than.............. walk through the pain.
As people that hate to feel anything but good that is a problem.  But masking what is going on internally only delays the inevitable.  So why do we continue the fight? 

An answer that I don't have.  But life continues no matter what we feel at this moment.  Sometimes the world can be cruel.  It can turn us into nothingness in a matter of seconds.  If I didn't have that presence to hold on to I wouldn't be here. 

So I am no longer that leaf in the wind.  How about you?