Dare I............

Dare I write one more time on death?  On where we go?  On what happens?  Should this be about spirituality?  I’m grasping at straws.

He is about to leave us.  His poor worn out body; ½ the size it was; his hair is gone, skin is grey and hasn’t spoken since yesterday morning.  Loss of most functions.  Well, except his heart… it’s still beating.  How, I do not know.

All of this has forced me to find answers to those obvious questions, where do we go?  What does he know right at this moment?  Can he hear us as we make those final plans?  The last tears?  Goodbyes?

In reading,  most say, yes.. He can hear.  Only God knows the hour, this I truly believe.

Whoa!  I can not do this today.  We are all sad.  He is leaving us.  He already has in spirit.  Count blessings, yes… count..1,2,3

 

That he was happy the day “M” married.  The smile just would not go away.  I am certain he knew the end was near but by God his child was good.  His child, the wild child, the n’er do good, child.  Yes, that one.  Walked down the isle and his proud dad watched and was truly glowing.  Did he know then?

That his precious grandkids had the best of relationships with “pawpaw”.  They love him unconditionally, as it should be.  He more than loved, he adored them.  Gave them most of what they wanted.. they will never know that again.  Never.  I just pray they can rise above his passing and see how truly wonderful that time with him was.

Kids……. They will be  heartbroken.  Who wouldn’t be at the loss of a parent.  In time both of them will be glad of the time with him, albeit short.  Even with his demeanor, which at times could be less than kind,  they could see the good; something I left behind long ago.

 

So………. Here God… he is yours (as if you didn’t already know that)! 

 

I won’t have my answers till I stand before God, and by then it won’t matter.  Thank you God for the 65 years you let this man walk on your earth…

Endings

Saying goodbye can be easy, bitter sweet or just plain hard.  Take a ride with me.

2014 was a better year in my life than so many before.  More healing, more challenges that I was willing to face, perhaps more of a spring in my step.  perhaps.

So, goodbye to the year, the holidays.... Memorial day (so many years ago my daughter headed to the hospital for the birth of my precious "S").  July 4th  another great holiday but also sharing that day is the death of my mother in 1995.  Labor day holds the memory of the death of my stepson, a lost soul who, hopefully is in a better place.  Halloween still holds the dubious honor of my favorite of holidays.  BOO!  Thanksgiving is just that.  Thankful for life today.. so much to look forward to.  It also marked the end of my marriage.  A bitter end.  A battle I can still fight internally if I allow it.
Christmas.  The birth of Jesus.  That in itself brings warmth... However this also brought the father of my children to the ER and the faster path to his end.  And here is where we are.

He wanted to fight to live.  That was 1 week ago.  Laying in a hospital bed in my son's house, hooked up to the oxygen that helps him breath.  Our pastor came to visit.  Within a few days he had been baptized therein sealing his place in heaven, which seems terribly close.

My children have watched him... my grandchildren cry.  Other family members come to see and perhaps say goodbye.  Everyone having their own memories to cherish or dismiss; whichever seems appropriate.  Mine, well mine are scattered at best.  I cry at the sight of his small grey body lying in a bed that offers no comfort.  Christmas was shared by all of us, his 2 kids, his 4 grandkids and me.  The one person that caused him way too much pain but welcomed all the same.  THIS is not about how bad I had been.  This is about how this ending found healing and love.....

So, 2014 is nearly gone.  Perhaps next December I will sit at this blog with hope beyond what I have right now.  Perhaps.

One thing I do know.  Life is so precious.  Part of me says 'how sad not to have figured that out earlier' the other side says Thank God  I have.

In this road of life...

Find the light no matter how dark it seems at the moment.

I had someone close to me tell me that she can tell by my blog how I am doing emotionally.  That when I don’t post she feels life must be going well.  In plain terms, she is right.

Today, life is good and I’m posting that.  I’m also going to add that life is scary too.

I took a bold stance this morning with someone in my life.  Bold and truthful; said with confidence and a strength that passed my own understanding.  For a minute it felt good.  However, in doing so it meant the recipient might retaliate and he did… for a moment.  It seemed it caught him off guard and I listened as he quickly regrouped and came back with resolve to acceptance.   As I relive that moment I am in awe of his process and how quickly he snapped back; in doing so I was able to continue with the obvious truth of the situation which had been ongoing.  That was early this morning.

As the morning stretched on, I was entertaining all sorts of possibilities.. where would this lead me (this new journey).  Who would I lean on?  What if……………….

I said to God………… (instead of crying to stop the pain and angst) well here we are, help me walk with grace and truth and strength.  I took several turns at praying that I relax.  Several stops at ‘don’t let me pour my anger and fear on anyone’ as I digest and swallow the cold hard facts.  If this is covered in some sort of secrecy that is intentional.  Surely we all have those feelings, those days, those moments……. Where do we let them take us?

I am holding on to the FACT that He will never leave me………… I can curl up in the knowledge that I am being led in my life in such a sweet way…. Acknowledging that somehow brings me solace.  Somehow.

I sat around last night with 3 of my girlfriends chatting up about men, dating and the whole scene.  How the ‘dance’ is awkward and painfully necessary and both parties (male and female) partake of their piece.  Interview if you will, if it be a first date.  I, for one, am not good at that and come to find out none of them either.  Hmmm.  Feeling connected in any situation to someone that has or is walking through the same scene… somehow wards off any feeling of aloneness.  I suppose that is a gift we all bring to the table.  The table of life…  Agree?

What? What?

It’s beginning to look a lot like……….

 

Really?  The stores have had Christmas music playing for weeks; they have had decorations up for several months, really?  Give us, the consumers a break!  I, for one, was not out shopping the day after Thanksgiving, nor the night before……  God bless those that did…

Speaking of Thanksgiving, with the sadness of a life slipping away, our dinner had that underlying quietness that comes from the unknown.  And it is, unknown.  We do not know our days on this earth, only that they are numbered.  What we have should be gratitude of having all of us together for that special day.  And we were.  Just looking down the long tables watching everyone eat and laugh and smile warmed my heart.  My grandkids made this so special.  My new daughter in law and of course my sweet daughter… Only one missing was the evil one (ok, that is harsh) that chose to stay away (SIL) and believe me, that was fine.  Take away is being grateful for today.

So, another crazy thing going on………. Granddaughter plays in her hs band and has for several years.  They have done so many fund raisers I can’t even count.   They are so excited about a trip in a few weeks to Tampa Florida to play at the Outback Bowl.  Now, here is the ugly truth.  The band director is an ass.  Seems he has been “helping’ himself to the ‘funds’.  Best speculation is between 6-10,000 dollars missing.  He has resigned and now been arrested for the theft.  That, while is part of it, will not return the $$ for these kids.  The boosters are helping and the school board is kicking in as well so hopefully they will enjoy the trip, the fun stuff (Disney world) and play their hearts out at the game.  They deserve it!  He has lost his job, the community respect and I suppose his own dignity over all this.  Oh and he did admit to having an alcohol problem.  YA THINK!

So, we slide into the last month of the year and the fastest paced one as well.  Everyone rushing here and there.  HMM, HMM… Slow down folks enjoy the moment.  I know I am trying too.

More than Thanksgiving

Today for many will be a day of turkey and all the trimmings.  Pumpkin pie is my favorite.  I miss my mom at this time as her favorite thing was to cook a huge stuffed turkey all night long.  We would wake to the awesome smell of that turkey and her 'thistling' in the kitchen.  Back then, even after we had our own children, we would all converge on her house and it was the best of times.  Well, now, in my 50's I want the same for my kids.  For several years my daughter hosted everyone.  She has the biggest family now and it made sense to flop at her place.  Well, this year, after many years, they will all come here.  Finally well enough to be the host, once again.  So, son will bring the ham, kids dad will bring the turkey and dressing and daughter gets a reprieve and brings a pie.  I will fill in all the other stuff... potatoes, veggies, cranberry sauce.... and of course pumpkin pie.  hmmm hmmm.
There is some sadness knowing that one of us will probably not be here next year.  God has his life in his hands but cancer is stealing his body.. slowly.   So, for all of us thankful for the gathering of those we love.

I looked around and found other family members getting together, extended trying to as well.  Weather up north is wreaking havoc on travelers and here in the south it will be necessary to have a roaring fire.  Thankful for the warmth.

The scuttlebutt of black Friday shopping beginning tonight and those that scream 'let the holiday be just that' and allow all families to have the opportunity to be together.  To hell with retailers and money.  Whaaaat?  Money!  Yeah well that is not going to happen.  That dollar is way to important to stop anything... anything.   Thankful to be off from work today and tomorrow.

So, as the Macy's day parade begins, and I optimistically wait for the day to unfold and all the kids to be here, I say thanks to the God of my understanding... as today is the 10th year of my new life.  Still single... but letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment of what was and knowing if I get out of the way... so many more blessings of internal happiness abounds.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Turkey's and Truth

Just a few days away from Thanksgiving.  What a year this has been.  With cancer closing in on the life of my kids father... time is ticking away.  We have held our breath hoping for him to make it to "M's wedding, now Thanksgiving and next of course Xmas.  They begin radiation on brain leasions tomorrow.  We are all in God's hands whether we know it, believe it or not.  Life only lasts till it is over.  This is awful to watch his decline and certainly to watch my kids too.
So, we will all be together this Thanksgiving at my house.  Bittersweet.

This week has been emotionally draining for many family members.  No need to write about it... just seems everywhere I look within our families there is strife and hurt.  So praying for peace for all of us.... changing of hearts where hurt remain, and love to cover each and everyone of us/them.

Hearing the truth can  be so hurtful.  Hearing it from a close family member could suck and possibly leave a dent so deep the repair won't come soon.
Hence trying to remove the veil of bs from someone's eyes.  She has been hoo doo'd for so long by her daughter that it just sickens me.  To listen to all the lies and how bad she treats her mom enrages me, but staying on the fringe is what I have done; until today.  If someone sleeps round the clock for days and then is up for days..... sounds familiar.  However in her world she calls it bipolar.  yup bipolar.  and she is being treated... ok, then.

So, thanksgiving (truly being thankful) and truths even my own.

Decisions/Decisive/Determined.....

Decisions/Decisive/Determined

It seems we never stop making decisions.  When to get up, where to eat, what to eat, where to work, where to live, what to drive……………… 

I mean this could go on forever……………. What I find, for me, is some are as simple as a check mark on a school paper.  Done!  There are the ones that I know need to be made; but which way to turn, or go?  That would set the decisive mark a tad lower for me.  Honestly, laughing as I write this….I have pulled up to a drive up to order fast food and have one thing in mind and when the speaker squaks I say something entirely different!  And then laugh as if to confirm my decisive or un as the case may be.

As those decisions are made/need to be made I remain determined to stay true to me.  And the story should end with that.  Resolution……  And it isn’t even January 1^st.  Oh well, I stink at resolutions anyway.

At one time in my life there were very few choices or decisions that I failed to make.  Sometimes they were bad ones, but I did make them.  I own that.  Sometimes those decisions, while a good intention was in the midst, the choice totally bombed and most of the time I was left holding the bag, if you will.

I think for me, I have conceded far more with a ‘sorry’ than I needed too.  Years saying that I’m sorry when if fact many of those sorry’s had absolutely nothing to do with any ability I had.. I just felt compelled to cover any misery for anyone with that statement.  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’.  Yeah, ok,  totally ridiculous……………

So, I try to decided to make a decision and darn determined to stick with that plan.

Fall(ing)

The fall of the year and of life

 

I love the change in seasons; well I say that but want to add I hate to see the end of summer.  However, here we are in the fall of the year, Halloween has passed and Thanksgiving will soon be here.  The leaves are a beautiful mix of orange and yellow and browns.  It is amazing to watch the change and then the fall.  Falling leaves; an end to yet another year… about 8 weeks from ringing in the New Year but let’s not hasten that.

Fall brings so much to us.  Color, cooler temps, wonderful celebrations almost renewing us after a long hot summer, almost… ok, it does for me and I’m sure to others as well.  My favorite pie is pumpkin and my love for pumpkin spills in to other recipes.  Last year I made pumpkin spread and gave it out.  I plan on doing the same for some friends of mine.  I love pumpkin bread and still have the recipe my mother so loved.  We have birthdays in the fall and on into winter for family members.  Football… let’s not forget football.  My precious granddaughter plays in the high school band so every Friday is spent at the field.  She is awesome and I am extremely proud of her.  Of all of them.. The best thing to my life….

We have our time change ‘fall’ back.  Falling prices just in time for the hustle and bustle of those holiday shopping excursions.    So, this is about falling… seasons, temps and health…

This is the beginning of the end of someone’s life.  He is so sick and nothing will change that.   His decline began several years ago but the diagnosis was not made until Sept 2013.  In this past year he has been through so much.  Chemo, more chemo and more…..  Now he is at the experimental drug stage.  Which, in reading the side effects could kill him.  From his own words, I’m gonna die; either the cancer or this drug… the outcome will be the same.  How heartbreaking that must be to know for the person; how heartbreaking it is for his children to know and watch.  I choke up thinking about it.  I have written about this in previous entries and the fact remains the same…

So as Thanksgiving approaches there is a sadness about.  I guess everyone knows and no one is saying.  Will he make it?  Will he make it to Christmas?  How his life has diminished.   I get so sad and can’t change any of it and certainly can’t alleviate the inevitable for those around him.

So, as sure as summer turns to Fall, so Life turns to Death.  We all have numbered days.  I think of how those days are spent for him and want to scream at my own.  Start living as if this were your last days.  Do all that you wanted, love all those you can and most of all form a relationship with the God of your understanding  so as not to be alone after the darkness closes your/our time on earth..

Heaven or Hell

Thinking………………..

A precious lady friend divorced her philandering husband after 35 years.  Dare I say he was also a preacher.  Philandering preacher.  REALLY?  That is another story.  The reason behind this post is letting go.  Letting go of what we have, of what we want, of what we desire.  Please do not think that a negative remark.   Read on.

So my friend finally finds a mate.  Her soul mate.  I did not get the opportunity to meet him as she had moved away from the madness here to a quieter place, her happy place, if you will.  There, low and behold she meets “W”.   They married 10 months ago.  Hurrah for peace and happiness to them both.  Totally forgetting the horrors of that other union.

Tues.  she lets us know that ‘w’ had a massive stroke.  After several attempts to correct the damage as well as save his life………………….  They could not.  He is now in a transitional space--- literally………..    a place waiting to go to the next space – in time --- endless?  Who knows.

How does this happen.  Damn it for happening.  Her happiness… Finally… and his.  WTH!  So I yelled at God, as I have before in an attempt to find the answers to His plan.  Or perhaps at the reality that IF He is all the power, then why, why take “w” now?

My insides swell just thinking about that.  Driving to work this morning in quiet reflection several things came to mind.  1) who am I to judge this outcome  2) they both found love again, so is that a bad thing?  3) perhaps, just perhaps this relationship, albeit a short lived one; gave her the courage to love again.  Allowed her the opportunity to know a fine man.  And, maybe that is what he received as well.  So, as the thoughts lingered on, and traffic would grab my attention here and there, I began to see things from a different perspective.  Tragic as it is, and nothing can take that away, she could heal in a different way from this pain.  Somewhere down the road.  We will be waiting… watching… loving her and knowing nothing is certain in this life.

And, here is the kicker……….. how does this affect me?  Do I continue to be bitter?  Angry?  Fearful?  Someone dropped from my life and it hurt like hell (but that healing has been written too many times here), that the bitterness could be turned around by another love…. BUT  what if he……………………..

 

Too much thinking and not enough quiet reflection of all that I have seen and experienced of the power of God’s presence in my life……………..

 

Here’s to you Ms M and to you Mr W…………………………  nothing can tear you apart………….. 

Weddings, birthdays and Fall!

I say each time the seasons change that I love the newest one.  I stayed really sad for so long that the fall season just broke my heart.  Not so much anymore.  Lots of action in the fall.

Son and DIL had a fabulous honeymoon in Hawaii!!!!!!!!!!  What an opportunity for them to share.

3 grandchildren, daughter, brother all have fall birthdays, oh and mine (does that count?).  Football at the highschool level and of course the SEC games which i love! 

Cool air moves in and out but soon will be here to stay.  I love crisp fall mornings.  Leaves changing colors.... pumpkin pie, bread anything you can do with pumpkin..........  

So the thought I had today was how richly we can be and not be able to see it.  An action to be taken and for me that needs to be daily.   OH, i am more than aware of how fortunate I am.  Blessed beyond anything I ever imagined and truly know that only began when I surrendered my old life several years ago.   I look back at times but quickly try to focus on today....

Oldest granddaughter got her learners permit the other day.  Where has the time gone?  She is such a beautiful girl...........  15... Wow!


One further note:  social media... the other dayI got a friends request from someone that I did not know.  Come to find out she is a cousin from my fathers side of the family.  Before I knew it her brother had joined in.  It was so much fun.  She began posting pics of my grandmother, their dad and other family members that I don't remember.  We were not around them after the divorce and really not much before that... how sad...........  BUT!  on a positive note.... how cool to reconnect.

The circle of life continues.

 

My adult male-child has married.  Blissfully happy.  Wonderful woman and both faithful to a God of their understanding.  I am completely overwhelmed in knowing how far he has come…

33 years ago I had the cutest little skinny boy that came out screaming and kept that up for years.  He just seemed discontented all his life.  Most of what I could share about him has been already.  I prayed through so many of his life choices that I honestly came to a place of acceptance and gave him to God.  Several years ago he quit fighting anything and anyone and he too gave it to God.  I cannot express enough how totally in awe this whole transformation has left me. 

I will say that the choices over the past few years have given him a new life.  And now, a new wife.  She is precious and loves him with all she is.

During the rehearsal dinner I nearly cried.  Going home afterwards my heart was so full.  Perhaps his life would be different than anything we had wished for. 

So, ALL of the extended family as well as immediate was there.  ALL!  Imagine that.  I have a group photo that had all of the family but not those two, since they were busy greeting and enjoying the reception.  But, the point is they all there knew what a miracle they were seeing.  The kid that would rather live in a tent and be apart from most of mankind, the kid that ran from life every chance he got.  The kid that hated everyone has finally come to a place of rest.  A spirit seemingly content in the knowledge of a God none of us can imagine, but longing for something beyond our own limitations.   So, yesterday I hugged them both as they departed for a honeymoon few could tell of.  The tropical island of Hawaii.  7 glorious days of fun, sun and each other. 

My heart swells with the thought of that young love and complete dedication to each other.

 

Ahhh……………….. God bless them both.

 

Happiness

What makes us happy, ok me?  Yesterday "M", my son, and I were talking about money.  Having it, not having it, etc.  What he said to me absolutely blew my mind.  "mom, money does not make me happy".  Wow!  I was taken aback at my own thoughts about money, love, 'things', jobs.... LIFE.

I heard a friend say one time that if it can be fixed with money, then it isn't a problem.  I had to think about that one too.  My thoughts bring me to a place some time back where even buying food or paying rent was difficult.  Did I think more income would 'fix' that?  Of course I did.  Did I think that IF those things were 'fixed' I would be happ(ier), of course I did.  What I have discovered is those things are 'fixed' and happiness can still be elusive.

So, where does that happiness (for me, and perhaps others) come from?  Do we really know when we have it?  See I can get caught up in misery of my own thinking and completely lose sight of today and all it's blessings. 

But, I am learning, (notice I said learning not relearning since I never knew) to reach within for that peace, which when present brings contentment which lasts a whole lot longer than happiness brought about by 'things'.

In a book I have read so many times it states, 'deep inside every man, woman and child is the fundamental belief in God although it may be obscured by calamity (noise).... Noise can be any thing that blocks those thoughts of God.   Now, I got caught up for so long in the word God that someone said to me,  try Good Orderly Direction.  How simple is that?  How fundamental is any of this?

Immensely, to me.

Today's forcast for the south is 105 with the heat index......... sounds like a great day for a movie.

Divorce and Death

I went and sat with a friend last night who lost her husband the day before.  So sad.  They had found each other in their 40’s and so in love.  They just belonged together and you could tell everytime you saw them together.  But that was several years ago, before his alzeimers began to steal his memory, his life.  He fought a hard battle and, to some, I suppose they might say he lost.  But did he?  His faith was so strong and perhaps depending on belief, he is in a better place.  So as we sat with her she looked so warn, so defeated.  She had lost so much weight and the strain was evident on her face.  She showed me the cot she slept in for the past year, right beside his hospital bed.  She never left his side.  I looked around their house and saw a home that had little attention as of late, another statement to how all of this played on her life.  She showed us a collage of photos he had put together sometime ago, so many pictures of the two of them, of other family members… such joy… such laughter… so long ago.  My heart broke for her… and my heart still saddened by her loss. 

Offering myself for whatever I could do, was all I could do.  She was just so scattered (and rightfully so) I could see she needed rest more than anything.  There were not enough hugs for her to shield her from the pain.  I cried with her and I can feel the lump growing in my throat just thinking about them.

Between the two of them they had over 60 years of sobriety.  Wow!  How incredible is that?  He lived and breathed sober living, giving back.  An incredible legacy and one I am proud to have witnessed, if only for a short time. 

We should all have that love; the one that goes so deep you can’t imagine life without them.  How will she get along, alone. 

I called the love of my life this morning.  We haven’t spoken for a few weeks for good reasons.  I wished him a happy birthday to which he thanked me.  We have celebrated 23 of those together or mostly together.  That made me sad.  Endings suck no matter how they come.

Death or divorce, they are both final and neither party comes out the other side happier. 

On a lighter note; my precious grandkids came over for the weekend.  Sometimes I just feel wiped out by their visit.  Just loud, crazy, silly stuff that I’m not used to.  But not this time.  We had a blast at the lake, I thoroughly enjoyed cooking for them.  Listening to the laughter seemed so right.  So peaceful. 

Sometimes, if I stop long enough, if I’m quiet long enough, I can feel the moment gently pass by and know that none of this is going to waste.  Thank God for that!

 

Jj

Skip to MaLoo

I have to laugh at thinking that is a great title, but this morning it seems appropriate.  Ever wanted to just 'skip' through the tough times?  Skipping school, work, church..... ?  So I was up and going at an early hour, as usual.  Church at 8:45 then probably to the pool.  Day temps will be nearly 90.

So, I cook breakfast, watch a little tv and begin to think of camping.  The state park close and better yet on the water.  Suddenly it hits me.  GO!  Just GO!  Throw on shorts and head out.  Not to camp today but to scope out future good sites and just be in the outside world for the day.

Skip to maloo.  It only took minutes to change my mind on what I know I need to do this morning.  NEED.  Very important decision.   The lake CAN wait.  But skip to MaLoo certainly wanted to derail me. 

So, that began further thinking into that very thing.  Always wanted to do what makes me "feel" better.  Most of those decisions were not always the best for the folks around me.  For years work was my biggest target.  Oh, I feel sick today (skip....)  It goes on and on.

Now, I will get up and go to church and afterwards think of going to the lake.  After all it is Sunday and I am not skipping the entire day.

What drives you?

In a response to an email this morning it came home to me that emotion drives this blog.  So, I thought about that and decided to make that my topic today.

Driven by sadness originally brought me to this anyway.  I began writing poems about 5 years ago that, when re-read, found them to be so profound that in some small way I knew there was healing in words.  Again an unseen reward, as hurtful as that could be. 

Life hurts at times and my days have been and hopefully will be less than, hurt by some major decisions made by me.  

Whoa!  Gotta stop with the way this is going right now.  Not that I want to stop any flow of energy that brings to light/surface what keeps me in bondage.... I do not want this morning to be 'driven' the wrong way.

So, let me say this....  I can be aware of how my thinking can put my direction in either way.  Good or bad.  So, taking another sip of coffee, watching the clock, I choose to make this positive.

So, nothing says we have to stay miserable, except our own thoughts.  I mean life is still life and without death or loss, what really is there to bogg us down?  Truly.  Re-direction of my thinking at this very moment truly will 'drive' my actions for the morning.

No morning physical workout..... emotionally this is it.  A few words, a few moments and very hot coffee and I am ready......   For a good day!

Eyes Wide Shut

Eyes Wide Shut

That may have been a movie title.  Seems so.  But, this is what came to me today.  Sometimes I just don’t want to see what is going on around me.  Sometimes it is just too painful, hurtful.   I wonder how many other people feel that way too.  See, life truly has major ups and downs.  The key is to hold on through the downs and sing out loud on the upside.  I have a friend that told me some time ago to throw my hands up in the air as if on a roller coaster and yell, weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mm hmmm.  You know I’m not able to do that most of the time.  But isn’t all of this about awareness and knowing this too shall pass?!  The other day my son reminded me of this, keep your eye off the small rearview mirror and focus on the wide windshield.  I tear up thinking about that.  God how awesome it is to release the grip on the world.  Whew!  For a moment that feels great.

I am learning to embrace who I was born to be and allow God to mold me back to that.  So, the first thing is to acknowledge that it is “ok” to be who I am.   I have come to terms with the part of me that seems to be so emotional.  Cry at the drop of the hat.   But, that doesn’t mean I can change that about me.  So, those things that we can’t change, embrace.

Ok, back to the subject.  Sorry for the detour.   This week has been full of ‘feeling’ stuff, which I do not always relish.   Mainly the ‘bad’ stuff.  So, eyes wide shut means, for me, today… that even shut I still need to be cognizant of what is going on, even when I don’t like it.

 

Friday.  Hurrah!  Now that is something I like.

Freedom

With this being around the 4th of July I got to thinking.  Freedom.  What exactly does that mean to us?  I saw a dear friend's post on fb yesterday that got me thinking.  She belongs to a 'free thinkers' society.  What?  What is that?  Spent time at a 'freedom FROM religion' gathering.  Interesting.  So, what does that mean?  What about freedom OF religion, which is what began for us back in 1776.  Now this is not a religion debate.  I do not care IF you believe OR what you believe in.  Not really.  What I wondered about is how strongly we are convicted in what we believe.  Are we quietly sitting on our convictions or loudly trying to change your's?  Please note this is not open (on my forum) for debate (said louder).  Rather to get us thinking of our own.  Since this is about me (jokingly stated) I began to wonder how tall I would stand if asked or challenged.  I have grown so much in the area of higher powered.  After a gathering of family over the past days, I wondered how this would all end.  Not in a verbose sort of way, but how I spend my days going forward will speak volumes as to how I believe.  I reflect on a life spent less spiritually and how groping for the next 'fix' was all I knew.  Fixed being a loose term.  All of those fixes left me lonely and alone. 

Before this turns south, let me try say that I have a wonderful life today but I truly have to continue to be aware (good morning JAW) of what that means.  We all get tied up in knots over something.  This morning as I sit outside in the beautiful 68 degree temps, before grandkids coming bounding downstairs, before folks begin demands of each other, I sip a hot cup of coffee, enjoy my morning meditation and ponder how really awesome all of this truly is.   Ahhhh.  Breathing Lessons.

So, how I spend my day is so much more than 'getting'; how will I give/live today is the deal. 

Good morning freedom..............

Saturday in the Park........

So, I take my ego driven self downtown this morning to try my hand (uh, body) at body boot camp.  Now, I work out, lift weights, run, elliptical, repeat.. Got the picture?  Yeah, well nothing prepared me for this.  Mostly high intensity cardio, my least attentive activity.  Oh, and let me also add that we were outside in the park, next to the canal.  REally pretty, and a slight breeze blowing the 78 degree temps around.  I am not joking when I say I was afraid more than once that I was going to pass out.  Did I quit?  NO, of course not.  Ego, Ego, Ego!  But i'm glad I didn't.

Relationship post again.  I am just sick of being single, most of the time.  I just keep feeling the physical effect of age and knowing it truly does play a huge role in who we 'think' we are.  What I am trying not to do is let my head noise keep me in bondage over yet one more relationship opportunity down the drain.  I keep telling myself and whispering to God, please remove all the people from my life that do not lend anything to a spirit driven life.  This includes the opposite sex.  A friend said this morning  to 'trust' in the process (no matter what that process is doing).  Some days I am successful and that and others, not so much.

This sounds like I am pitiful, but actually I am disappointed, but know that when it's 'right' it will be there.  Enjoy life daily, let Him take me where He wants me to be.

On July 7th it will be 3 years since my painmeds panic.  That 'white' chip that I never wanted to touch again was handed to me once more.  Now, I still like to remember that it has been over 7 years of no drinking.  That just doesn't seem fun any more.  So, 3 years and thank you God that for that short 3 days I was brought back quickly and did not go down the oh shit shoot one more time.

I think I will shower and head to a movie and dinner.  All by myself.  To see....... well i'm not sure but the weather does not look good outside so it is probably a great day to hit the theatre. 

Enjoy your Saturday, be it in the park or wherever.

The time(s) of our lives

Ah the times of our lives…………….  The times of OUR lives.   The TIMES…………. 

Emotionally my week has been full.  Spiritually it is absolutely full and over flowing.  Physically I feel awesome!  And here comes the 3 day weekend!!!!!!!!!

‘R’ called last night to tell me he would be home today.  I was excited/am excited.  Can you imagine.  Our dance continues.  Now, he did not say come over…………. So my imagination just takes me where I allow it to.  URRRRR!  Turn left!   It occurred tome this morning that he left 2 weeks ago.  After a few days he called and admonished me for a comment I sent him.  It hurt but oh well.  He called again a few nights ago to tell me he was on his way home.  And again last night.  But during his time out west I did not hear from him.  So, he leaves and forgets… he comes back and he THINKS I will jump.  God help me not to. 

I am excited for a kayak trip this weekend.  Family going.  It is supposed to be incredibly hot 96 degrees!  Humid and slight chance of a shower.  Which usually cools it off.  Just to be on the water for the six hours it takes to go from point A to B.  I’m ready!  Daughter going this time for her first time.  I hope she enjoys this.  While it is work (you paddle the whole time) it is fun too.

Went to a dinner party last night at a friends house.  We have known each other since we were about 13.  Thick and thin.  Good and bad.  Divorces and death.  Her youngest son OD’d 11 years ago yesterday.  Her poor soul has suffered incredible loss and she is just now beginning to come up for air.  She is an awesome woman who after 17 years of marriage her pos husband leaves her for another woman.  Leaving her with their 3 kids all under 15.  Finally she meets and marries a wonderful man that has given her all the love she never had from #1.  I am in awe of his love for her.  He constantly showers her with it.

Life still moves in a direction we aren’t always in agreement with.  But it moves.  Whether we go willingly or not…. It continues.  Without our permission.  So, if we/I allow God to direct us… who /what shall we fear…………?

Awesome power of God!

Sometimes I want to forget or try to forget that I am a recovering woman.  Less meetings, less meditation... less connections to those who truly understand that disease.  I know that AA brought me to God and from there I am fully seated in a wonderful church.  Can we have both?  My scales tip one wa
y or the next but the desirable location would be in the center.  Yesterday our topic was awareness.  So, I began to ponder on that.  Just how aware am I?  Am I present?  Do I listen while someone is talking?  Where are my feet?  Right here, right now.....   Practicing!

Worried about the man child again.  After having a pretty awful surgery they gave him some pain meds.  Then a second round.  Now, he stopped taking them before he finished the 2nd script and that made me happy (for him).  However, he isn't going to meetings and seems distant and detached.  It would kill me to see him slip away but I also know that I am not in charge of his life.  But that does not free me from the concern. 

'R' leaves this week for a 15 day trip out west.  I just feel some jealousy about this.  He had promised that we would go.  Ok, I digress.

Do we really ever change our stripes?  I fight  that fight more often that I care to admit.  those defects still roam around my spirit.  I read a long time ago that we are what we think.  We are what we dwell on.  So, for today I shall focus on God, meditation and renewing of my spirit.

And if that still doesn't quiet the lion inside...  find another woman to help. 

Here is a beautiful sunset last night.  Awesome power of God!

whine !!!

I’m gonna whine for a minute.   I have tried several times over the past years to get out and start dating again.  I hate, hate, hate the whole ‘dating’ idea/scene.   I have talked to men (friends) that have told me how bad they hate it too.  Especially at our age…  And here I sit…. I have been on several dates this past month and none of them were more than once.  Here is the totally crazy thing… I didn’t care for any of them.  I mean… more than like.  Although I did try to sugar coat the whole thing and make it better but even that didn’t work.  So, why am I acting all pitiful about not being asked out again?  I mean didn’t I just say, I did not want another date with any of these guys yet when it is threir decision it seems harder.  I mean rejection sucks and I have had my fill.  It doesn’t help that in the middle of the rejection of one of these dates, I hear/feel those words/feelings from “him” many moons ago.  And it still hurts.  It still makes me angry.   I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.  But I am.    So, let the anger go……………….

Why does it feel so lonely these days?  I can be totally fine one minute and then bam!  It hits me like a ton of bricks…. You’re  alone.   I think I have talked to enough woman to say that sometimes it truly isn’t about long term, but rather to have a somebody to go places with. 

 

So, I keep trudging, praying, believing and painfully living (at times) alone.  I broke it off with a long term relation-ship that shouldn’t have been anyway but that hasn’t changed me still wanting more. 

Done whining. 

 

On another note we lost a gem today,  Maya Angelou died at the age of 86.  What a pioneer.  What a terrific woman of God! 

Memorial Weekend~

Memorial weekend.  A 3 day weekend to us, but so much more.  My dad, my son, brother…. All veterans.  Thank you for your service!

This weekend as a kid meant heading to the lake.  Camping, boating, just having a ball with family… Some of the best memories.

As we have grown older those shifted more to swimming pools and cookouts.  We have always had a pool at one of our houses.  This weekend will be no different.  So, hamburgers/hot dogs, lots of laughter, lots of grandkids (for all of us), and plenty of sunshine and cold water!  I can’t wait.

I have tried (again) to date.  UGH!  I get excited and then let down.  I went out with 2 different men over the past several weeks and neither would be again.  Tonight I will once again and whether it is a hit or not, I am what I am and this is it.   I am tired of the long nights of questions, fake laughter and uncomfortableness of it all.

I am so thankful today.  Thankful that I am healthy,   I know some of my family is not.  I have reflected on my past life quite a bit this week.  Sometimes I cried, sometimes I sat in fear and mostly in awe of where I am today.  I can not say this enough.  God is so good…!!!!!!!!!

So, as this memorial day comes and goes I hope everyone stays safe and has a terrific weekend.

Tomorrow I will go to watch 60 hot air balloons take off at 6:30am.  They do this every year and I have yet to watch.  So, tomorrow will be a first!

 

 

Then What?

I can/do live thinking beyond or behind my circumstances.  Taking away from the here and now.  I believe all of us do to some extent.  Well the other day in thinking about my future, my relationships, my wants, desires, dreams- it hit me.... then what?  So you are blessed to receive the 'things' you want.  Then what?  When actually I have what i need and then some.  In prayers I have asked God for many things, some more than once or twice.  In reflection it is real clear I have gotten exactly what I needed and a lot of what I wanted.  Matter of fact anything I wanted and didn't get have been erased by the acknowledgement of seeing what I have instead.  Amazng Grace.

We lost another on Monday.  The disease of untreated alcoholism is deadly.  Does not care who it takes out.  And it took a precious soul who could not get her footing back after having over 7 years without that poison.  Dead.  Alone.  Family found her.  How awful.  My heart breaks for her kids.  Her parents, her grandchildren (whom she adored).  Damn this disease. 

I listened last night to a topic in a meeting.  A part in the big book of alcoholics anonymous, 'and we have ceased fighting everything and everyone'.  CEASED.  And how many really do?  If I feel cross at anyone for how they believe, I am fighting.  Lots of times during the day or week I am met head on by my defiance and my unwillingness to not have to 'be right' especially when I conceed, conceed and still am being beat up by anothers actions or words.  Ugh!

So in reading my meditation it clearly states over and over (daily) to keep my focus on God.  To stay connected ALL through the day.  Perfect peace can overtake the darkness of the situation when i 'stop fighting' that includes myself. 

Sounds powerful or it can be a curse.  Honestly every thing we go through can be turned into something positive and useful in God's world.  Turn my thoughts to someone I can help and get out of my head.  What about me, what about me, what about me?  Self centered to the core but asking God to direct my actions..

I am still stuck in my head about the relationship I have with 'him'.  I become angry just thinking about 'it'.  So God here is another part of my life that I can not change without help...........

Living Marginally

Living Marginally!

I am currently doing a study on just that.  At first I thought, I am, living marginally.  But, after last night I was shown differently.  The key areas:

Emotionally

Financially

Spiritually

 

For when/if we do live within and leaving margins, we are a)happier thus emotionally better; b)living within my means, therefore alleviating the stress of financial woes; and lastly c) living a faith based life which must include that trust in a supreme being.

 

Again, I stress, I thought I was.   I mean everyone has ‘those days’ when any one of the above can be off kilter a tad.  Yes, we do.  That does not mean it should tilt our apple cart.  That is the purpose of this study.  Oh boy, we are in for a ride.  I am excited.

 

All of these are truly connected.  Connected by that trust/faith in what can not be seen.  Errrr! (slam on brakes sound)  fear is the steering wheel.  FEAR!  FEAR!  FEAR!

 

Living beyond fear, doing ‘it’ afraid…. I have lots of growing to do. 

 

 

Sunday marked my 5 year anniversary with my current job.  Who would have seen that coming. 

To think just over that time frame ago I was about to jump ship on the job I had taken after leaving a job I had held for almost 8 years.  See I do not leave many jobs and when I do it has always been for a better position.  This was no exception.  I may struggle with personalities at times, but I can honestly say I am truly blessed.

 

Son has a pretty hefty surgery today.  He has been in so much pain for so long and finally he is willing to take care of it.  Of course the underlying fear (for him, his fiancé and me…) is the pain meds issue.  He knows that 3 years ago I was up against the same scenario and was taken back to that place of abuse.  Thank God, for me, I was back on the sobriety track within a few days of realizing where I was headed. 

 

So, air conditioning is out at the house and it will be almost 90 today.  Hoping that can be fixed today…..

 

Marginally….. think about it…….

Words of Wisdom? Not!

I have no words of wisdom.  What I have is experience.  That should always be our best wisdom, in my opinion.  I heard someone say the other day that our life experiences when shared can reach another like nothing else can.  I am surrounded by two groups of people outside my family that I have chosen to keep separate from the other.  One gave me a chance at a sober life.  Forever grateful to that group.  More importantly was coming into a relationship with God.   And then into a body of people that scared the heck out of me in the beginning.  Church.   So, am I ready to marry the two together?  The answer is no.  See in that first group, we are truly like dying men; we grab each other to find a common solution to live and move beyond alcoholism and drug addiction.  The latter is a continuation of my desire to find and fulfill my soul with something beyond that.  Hence, I keep showing up weekly and absorbing more, establishing more relationships and somehow trying to make sense of the life I lived and the life I am living.  None of this is wasted.  When I see the brokenness in someone and I can relate, I do.  Where I can help, I try.  If I hold back it is out of egoism and there is certainly room for change there.  Ego is where I disconnect from God, thinking (or fearing) I know better.  What a huge mistake.  But, learning is part of the journey.

There is no ‘arrival’ in this journey.  Well unless you factor in a place beyond here, then ok.  But in the interim there needs to be peace.  And I have days of that.  Not because of me, in spite of.   Relinquishing my grip on what I am certain I cannot live without; allows the journey to be God centered, not self-centered.   And may I say again, I am just crawling at this point. 

Ok, off track a tad.  The second set of folks I am talking about are a little scarier.  I have fought an internal battle over and over just to keep showing up.  Studying with these women each week was hard.  One night several months ago I just said, ok this is it.  I sit alone, feel alone…. I am alone.  Was this by choice?  Maybe some of it.  Finding my ‘place’ within was and is difficult.  How will they view me IF they knew?  Would they include me, if they found out?  Maybe they already know or suspect and they are keeping their distance.  Do not divulge any secrets here; they will only be used against you.   As time moves on, things began to change.  The relationships are growing and may move into that friendship stage.  Remember this could be dangerous waters.  After all I still carry shame inside of me.  But, as my life sections grow closer together, I begin to see how we are really all full of the same doubts, fears etc. 

Ok, I am ending this for now.  Just too long and really it is beginning to sound too negative.  It shouldn’t.  As I grow, some of the darkness disappears and light is beginning to filter in. 

Perhaps the 'light' will extinguish this...

 

Sunshine Lollypops and................

Sunshine and Lollypops.

Finally today we should see temps in the high 70’s.  It has been a L-O-N-G winter.  Not just here in the South, but everywhere.  I hope this is the beginning of warmer weather that will stay…

So, warmer temps and a beautiful blue sky.  Fantastic weather really does makes us feel better doesn’t it? 

A mention of a heavy subject last night at bible study.  Does God send suffering to make a point?  Is there a reason for all bad?  A very lively group that interjected lots of their own beliefs.  I sat and listened.  I guess I still have the concept that he will allow bad and does bestow good to those who seek him.  But it isn’t a ‘tit for tat’ matter.  He is not a score keeper (Thank you!)  However, the lingering thought this morning is what if we are all wrong?  We should never question why things happen?  NEVER?  I was born a questioner.  I don’t challenge all things, but I certainly look for answers rather than speculate. 

So, April fools day and I have no one to fool.  Dang!

 

I hope the day finds everyone enjoying something….

 

JJ