Words of Wisdom? Not!

I have no words of wisdom.  What I have is experience.  That should always be our best wisdom, in my opinion.  I heard someone say the other day that our life experiences when shared can reach another like nothing else can.  I am surrounded by two groups of people outside my family that I have chosen to keep separate from the other.  One gave me a chance at a sober life.  Forever grateful to that group.  More importantly was coming into a relationship with God.   And then into a body of people that scared the heck out of me in the beginning.  Church.   So, am I ready to marry the two together?  The answer is no.  See in that first group, we are truly like dying men; we grab each other to find a common solution to live and move beyond alcoholism and drug addiction.  The latter is a continuation of my desire to find and fulfill my soul with something beyond that.  Hence, I keep showing up weekly and absorbing more, establishing more relationships and somehow trying to make sense of the life I lived and the life I am living.  None of this is wasted.  When I see the brokenness in someone and I can relate, I do.  Where I can help, I try.  If I hold back it is out of egoism and there is certainly room for change there.  Ego is where I disconnect from God, thinking (or fearing) I know better.  What a huge mistake.  But, learning is part of the journey.

There is no ‘arrival’ in this journey.  Well unless you factor in a place beyond here, then ok.  But in the interim there needs to be peace.  And I have days of that.  Not because of me, in spite of.   Relinquishing my grip on what I am certain I cannot live without; allows the journey to be God centered, not self-centered.   And may I say again, I am just crawling at this point. 

Ok, off track a tad.  The second set of folks I am talking about are a little scarier.  I have fought an internal battle over and over just to keep showing up.  Studying with these women each week was hard.  One night several months ago I just said, ok this is it.  I sit alone, feel alone…. I am alone.  Was this by choice?  Maybe some of it.  Finding my ‘place’ within was and is difficult.  How will they view me IF they knew?  Would they include me, if they found out?  Maybe they already know or suspect and they are keeping their distance.  Do not divulge any secrets here; they will only be used against you.   As time moves on, things began to change.  The relationships are growing and may move into that friendship stage.  Remember this could be dangerous waters.  After all I still carry shame inside of me.  But, as my life sections grow closer together, I begin to see how we are really all full of the same doubts, fears etc. 

Ok, I am ending this for now.  Just too long and really it is beginning to sound too negative.  It shouldn’t.  As I grow, some of the darkness disappears and light is beginning to filter in. 

Perhaps the 'light' will extinguish this...