More than Thanksgiving

Today for many will be a day of turkey and all the trimmings.  Pumpkin pie is my favorite.  I miss my mom at this time as her favorite thing was to cook a huge stuffed turkey all night long.  We would wake to the awesome smell of that turkey and her 'thistling' in the kitchen.  Back then, even after we had our own children, we would all converge on her house and it was the best of times.  Well, now, in my 50's I want the same for my kids.  For several years my daughter hosted everyone.  She has the biggest family now and it made sense to flop at her place.  Well, this year, after many years, they will all come here.  Finally well enough to be the host, once again.  So, son will bring the ham, kids dad will bring the turkey and dressing and daughter gets a reprieve and brings a pie.  I will fill in all the other stuff... potatoes, veggies, cranberry sauce.... and of course pumpkin pie.  hmmm hmmm.
There is some sadness knowing that one of us will probably not be here next year.  God has his life in his hands but cancer is stealing his body.. slowly.   So, for all of us thankful for the gathering of those we love.

I looked around and found other family members getting together, extended trying to as well.  Weather up north is wreaking havoc on travelers and here in the south it will be necessary to have a roaring fire.  Thankful for the warmth.

The scuttlebutt of black Friday shopping beginning tonight and those that scream 'let the holiday be just that' and allow all families to have the opportunity to be together.  To hell with retailers and money.  Whaaaat?  Money!  Yeah well that is not going to happen.  That dollar is way to important to stop anything... anything.   Thankful to be off from work today and tomorrow.

So, as the Macy's day parade begins, and I optimistically wait for the day to unfold and all the kids to be here, I say thanks to the God of my understanding... as today is the 10th year of my new life.  Still single... but letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment of what was and knowing if I get out of the way... so many more blessings of internal happiness abounds.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Turkey's and Truth

Just a few days away from Thanksgiving.  What a year this has been.  With cancer closing in on the life of my kids father... time is ticking away.  We have held our breath hoping for him to make it to "M's wedding, now Thanksgiving and next of course Xmas.  They begin radiation on brain leasions tomorrow.  We are all in God's hands whether we know it, believe it or not.  Life only lasts till it is over.  This is awful to watch his decline and certainly to watch my kids too.
So, we will all be together this Thanksgiving at my house.  Bittersweet.

This week has been emotionally draining for many family members.  No need to write about it... just seems everywhere I look within our families there is strife and hurt.  So praying for peace for all of us.... changing of hearts where hurt remain, and love to cover each and everyone of us/them.

Hearing the truth can  be so hurtful.  Hearing it from a close family member could suck and possibly leave a dent so deep the repair won't come soon.
Hence trying to remove the veil of bs from someone's eyes.  She has been hoo doo'd for so long by her daughter that it just sickens me.  To listen to all the lies and how bad she treats her mom enrages me, but staying on the fringe is what I have done; until today.  If someone sleeps round the clock for days and then is up for days..... sounds familiar.  However in her world she calls it bipolar.  yup bipolar.  and she is being treated... ok, then.

So, thanksgiving (truly being thankful) and truths even my own.

Decisions/Decisive/Determined.....

Decisions/Decisive/Determined

It seems we never stop making decisions.  When to get up, where to eat, what to eat, where to work, where to live, what to drive……………… 

I mean this could go on forever……………. What I find, for me, is some are as simple as a check mark on a school paper.  Done!  There are the ones that I know need to be made; but which way to turn, or go?  That would set the decisive mark a tad lower for me.  Honestly, laughing as I write this….I have pulled up to a drive up to order fast food and have one thing in mind and when the speaker squaks I say something entirely different!  And then laugh as if to confirm my decisive or un as the case may be.

As those decisions are made/need to be made I remain determined to stay true to me.  And the story should end with that.  Resolution……  And it isn’t even January 1^st.  Oh well, I stink at resolutions anyway.

At one time in my life there were very few choices or decisions that I failed to make.  Sometimes they were bad ones, but I did make them.  I own that.  Sometimes those decisions, while a good intention was in the midst, the choice totally bombed and most of the time I was left holding the bag, if you will.

I think for me, I have conceded far more with a ‘sorry’ than I needed too.  Years saying that I’m sorry when if fact many of those sorry’s had absolutely nothing to do with any ability I had.. I just felt compelled to cover any misery for anyone with that statement.  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’.  Yeah, ok,  totally ridiculous……………

So, I try to decided to make a decision and darn determined to stick with that plan.

Fall(ing)

The fall of the year and of life

 

I love the change in seasons; well I say that but want to add I hate to see the end of summer.  However, here we are in the fall of the year, Halloween has passed and Thanksgiving will soon be here.  The leaves are a beautiful mix of orange and yellow and browns.  It is amazing to watch the change and then the fall.  Falling leaves; an end to yet another year… about 8 weeks from ringing in the New Year but let’s not hasten that.

Fall brings so much to us.  Color, cooler temps, wonderful celebrations almost renewing us after a long hot summer, almost… ok, it does for me and I’m sure to others as well.  My favorite pie is pumpkin and my love for pumpkin spills in to other recipes.  Last year I made pumpkin spread and gave it out.  I plan on doing the same for some friends of mine.  I love pumpkin bread and still have the recipe my mother so loved.  We have birthdays in the fall and on into winter for family members.  Football… let’s not forget football.  My precious granddaughter plays in the high school band so every Friday is spent at the field.  She is awesome and I am extremely proud of her.  Of all of them.. The best thing to my life….

We have our time change ‘fall’ back.  Falling prices just in time for the hustle and bustle of those holiday shopping excursions.    So, this is about falling… seasons, temps and health…

This is the beginning of the end of someone’s life.  He is so sick and nothing will change that.   His decline began several years ago but the diagnosis was not made until Sept 2013.  In this past year he has been through so much.  Chemo, more chemo and more…..  Now he is at the experimental drug stage.  Which, in reading the side effects could kill him.  From his own words, I’m gonna die; either the cancer or this drug… the outcome will be the same.  How heartbreaking that must be to know for the person; how heartbreaking it is for his children to know and watch.  I choke up thinking about it.  I have written about this in previous entries and the fact remains the same…

So as Thanksgiving approaches there is a sadness about.  I guess everyone knows and no one is saying.  Will he make it?  Will he make it to Christmas?  How his life has diminished.   I get so sad and can’t change any of it and certainly can’t alleviate the inevitable for those around him.

So, as sure as summer turns to Fall, so Life turns to Death.  We all have numbered days.  I think of how those days are spent for him and want to scream at my own.  Start living as if this were your last days.  Do all that you wanted, love all those you can and most of all form a relationship with the God of your understanding  so as not to be alone after the darkness closes your/our time on earth..

Heaven or Hell

Thinking………………..

A precious lady friend divorced her philandering husband after 35 years.  Dare I say he was also a preacher.  Philandering preacher.  REALLY?  That is another story.  The reason behind this post is letting go.  Letting go of what we have, of what we want, of what we desire.  Please do not think that a negative remark.   Read on.

So my friend finally finds a mate.  Her soul mate.  I did not get the opportunity to meet him as she had moved away from the madness here to a quieter place, her happy place, if you will.  There, low and behold she meets “W”.   They married 10 months ago.  Hurrah for peace and happiness to them both.  Totally forgetting the horrors of that other union.

Tues.  she lets us know that ‘w’ had a massive stroke.  After several attempts to correct the damage as well as save his life………………….  They could not.  He is now in a transitional space--- literally………..    a place waiting to go to the next space – in time --- endless?  Who knows.

How does this happen.  Damn it for happening.  Her happiness… Finally… and his.  WTH!  So I yelled at God, as I have before in an attempt to find the answers to His plan.  Or perhaps at the reality that IF He is all the power, then why, why take “w” now?

My insides swell just thinking about that.  Driving to work this morning in quiet reflection several things came to mind.  1) who am I to judge this outcome  2) they both found love again, so is that a bad thing?  3) perhaps, just perhaps this relationship, albeit a short lived one; gave her the courage to love again.  Allowed her the opportunity to know a fine man.  And, maybe that is what he received as well.  So, as the thoughts lingered on, and traffic would grab my attention here and there, I began to see things from a different perspective.  Tragic as it is, and nothing can take that away, she could heal in a different way from this pain.  Somewhere down the road.  We will be waiting… watching… loving her and knowing nothing is certain in this life.

And, here is the kicker……….. how does this affect me?  Do I continue to be bitter?  Angry?  Fearful?  Someone dropped from my life and it hurt like hell (but that healing has been written too many times here), that the bitterness could be turned around by another love…. BUT  what if he……………………..

 

Too much thinking and not enough quiet reflection of all that I have seen and experienced of the power of God’s presence in my life……………..

 

Here’s to you Ms M and to you Mr W…………………………  nothing can tear you apart………….. 

Weddings, birthdays and Fall!

I say each time the seasons change that I love the newest one.  I stayed really sad for so long that the fall season just broke my heart.  Not so much anymore.  Lots of action in the fall.

Son and DIL had a fabulous honeymoon in Hawaii!!!!!!!!!!  What an opportunity for them to share.

3 grandchildren, daughter, brother all have fall birthdays, oh and mine (does that count?).  Football at the highschool level and of course the SEC games which i love! 

Cool air moves in and out but soon will be here to stay.  I love crisp fall mornings.  Leaves changing colors.... pumpkin pie, bread anything you can do with pumpkin..........  

So the thought I had today was how richly we can be and not be able to see it.  An action to be taken and for me that needs to be daily.   OH, i am more than aware of how fortunate I am.  Blessed beyond anything I ever imagined and truly know that only began when I surrendered my old life several years ago.   I look back at times but quickly try to focus on today....

Oldest granddaughter got her learners permit the other day.  Where has the time gone?  She is such a beautiful girl...........  15... Wow!


One further note:  social media... the other dayI got a friends request from someone that I did not know.  Come to find out she is a cousin from my fathers side of the family.  Before I knew it her brother had joined in.  It was so much fun.  She began posting pics of my grandmother, their dad and other family members that I don't remember.  We were not around them after the divorce and really not much before that... how sad...........  BUT!  on a positive note.... how cool to reconnect.

The circle of life continues.

 

My adult male-child has married.  Blissfully happy.  Wonderful woman and both faithful to a God of their understanding.  I am completely overwhelmed in knowing how far he has come…

33 years ago I had the cutest little skinny boy that came out screaming and kept that up for years.  He just seemed discontented all his life.  Most of what I could share about him has been already.  I prayed through so many of his life choices that I honestly came to a place of acceptance and gave him to God.  Several years ago he quit fighting anything and anyone and he too gave it to God.  I cannot express enough how totally in awe this whole transformation has left me. 

I will say that the choices over the past few years have given him a new life.  And now, a new wife.  She is precious and loves him with all she is.

During the rehearsal dinner I nearly cried.  Going home afterwards my heart was so full.  Perhaps his life would be different than anything we had wished for. 

So, ALL of the extended family as well as immediate was there.  ALL!  Imagine that.  I have a group photo that had all of the family but not those two, since they were busy greeting and enjoying the reception.  But, the point is they all there knew what a miracle they were seeing.  The kid that would rather live in a tent and be apart from most of mankind, the kid that ran from life every chance he got.  The kid that hated everyone has finally come to a place of rest.  A spirit seemingly content in the knowledge of a God none of us can imagine, but longing for something beyond our own limitations.   So, yesterday I hugged them both as they departed for a honeymoon few could tell of.  The tropical island of Hawaii.  7 glorious days of fun, sun and each other. 

My heart swells with the thought of that young love and complete dedication to each other.

 

Ahhh……………….. God bless them both.