Six Months

 

 

Six Months… Seems like life slows down when things hurt but goes too quickly when everything is good.  Something wrong in all that.

At first after the panic of a broken relationship I wanted to ‘find’ someone to ease the pain.  Ummm. Yeah that wasn’t going to work.

I have gone out on a few coffee dates.  No one I wanted to see twice.  What I have found though.. in talking with these men I could not help but think, I’m truly not interested so why am I here? 

Was I looking for him in who I saw?  Was I hoping some magic thing would happen and I would not look back?  what was it?

About a week ago I gave up.  I gave in to the knowledge and acceptance of ‘I’m not ready, yet’ and that is ok.   Matter of fact… it felt like a weight was gone.  The truth, my truth was staring back at me and I finally embraced it.  Girl you are not there yet.  Ah the sweetness of clarity felt so good.  I guess I had been forcing this ‘dating’ thing when all along it just seemed arduous… well something boring and not anything I was interested in doing…But I just kept thinking… maybe.. perhaps….

So, I deleted any profiles on social dating sites and that felt terrific.  Let my force field down since I have nothing to ‘sell’ (that is a joke) and just relax in the realization that life is good even alone. 

That is a place I wanted to be at, so many times but this is the place where finally it feels ok.  I have pleaded with God many many times.  Finally I prayed….. Lord just help me to release my grip on my wants… allow your energy to flow through me and let your will be my guide.

Sounds great, in theory.   Actually all this did happen.  I am ok.  Which I have been better and looking back through the months I can see how I just have gotten stronger and finally I woke up and realized….. life is truly worth living… now do it!

It helps that the weather is warmer 70’s for a few days.  I am so attached to the outdoors that everything is better in the warmer months…

A few footnotes;  I have learned a few things recently as well.  One is to not talk about last summer in depth.  I have done that a few times with friends that didn’t know what happened and in the end…  I go back inside and want to cry.  The other is if I sit and stew… or ponder over him .. my heart can still race, my mind gets cluttered real quick and like the end result of #1… I get sad.

Honestly being without Steve can still make me sad, but being with Steve made me crazy (at the end) and that is what I forget…. My wonderful forgetter….

So March is here and the birds are coming around, loud and alive.  I actually cleaned out the garage and now I am searching for inexpensive outdoor living space designs.

I would be amiss if I did not include a Tripster update... 4 months old and the absolute love of my life  (along with my other precious grands)

Dare I?

Dare I?

So, when “s” and I began dating last Feb.  I was afraid and distant.  People leave and my heart just couldn’t stand another break up.

Break up is just what we did.  Looking back now, it is clear that he wasn’t ready and I pushed too hard.  it saddens me that we could not work this out… but it is ok.   Now.

So I am having dinner with someone tonight.  This is taking everything I have to do this.  So, am I just not ready or what? 

Last night I talked to a guy on the phone for over an hour.  He was nice (is nice) has his stuff together, retired from Govt service, goes to the gym, has 2 kids and 5 grandkids, been divorced for 13 years..  loves to read, ride bikes, oh and he attends my church, although he would be on the other side of the street…… then it starts to fade.  No camping, no kayaking, no summers swimming…  Am I picking him apart?

This is not the guy I am having dinner with tonight.

Am I ready to venture out?  I truly wish I could know someone first then go out rather than these internet dates that you are just thrust upon…

Then again, my interest just wanes.  So, that may have a huge impact on the whole dating scene anyway.

 

Stay tuned………………

A shift in the sands of time

A shift in the sands of time

I never,never thought of this; and this is not about feeling sorry for myself.  No.  This is the reality of today.  I have posted but I feel compelled to restate.

When my children were growing up I never thought of their adult life.  Who would?  We are too busy taking care of those precious kids to look beyond right then.  My world was a wreck and I did not have great parenting skills but I muddled through and hopefully they have grown into the adults they are partly because of the positive in their rearing. 

My son was a troubled kid.  Just never seemed to find his way.  I have also written about this many, many times.  My heart broke for him and over him many times.  Perhaps my character was being molded through that too. 

My daughter has been married for almost 15 years.  Probably not the best but they are hanging in and somewhat committed to raising their 4 kids. 

My son, after getting sober married a great girl and now they have the most precious baby I can imagine.  He is the apple of my eye.  I wonder, if in some small sense of the word if it is due to my own sobriety or perhaps my age.  Or maybe both.  I love all of my grandkids.  There is not ‘buts’ in that.  None whatsoever.

So, here is the family status quo.  Hardly talk to my daughter; although when we do we find the time to catch up on all the kid stuff.  She has 4 teenagers and all of which are involved in some activity or another year round.  So, she runs here and there… tries to wrangle cats all the time.  And, I suspect, is successful most of the time.

My son…. We did talk every morning.  Like clockwork.  I would be getting ready for work, he would be headed to a job and we would talk about all kinds of stuff.  I loved it.  I loved hearing his excited voice over jobs or baby or marriage.  I love him so much.

So, here is the deal.  They don’t need me 24/7.  I know, I know… they shouldn’t.  You’re right.  This is where their lives should be.  Busy with their families.  But I am lost.  Grandkids have other things going on so they have not spent the night in months.  M and A are busy with their own schedules… baby, work, school, baby, work…… I understand that.

So at 57 I find myself still single (which is not a bad thing), doing most of what I like to do, but lonely for all the clamoring from those lives that I so adore.  I can see now.. . There is no going back.  I should cherish those days and times with all of them.  But, I am saddened but grateful they are all doing well.

Purpose......

We all need a purpose.  I heard someone say that until we find our true reason/calling/purpose nothing fulfills us.  We (I) can and have spent hours struggling to find happiness in some’thing’ only to find it fleeting at best.  No preaching here, no condemnation just pure revelation.  So… how do we find that purpose?

In listening to Rick Warren he is clear on this subject; it is a God deal.  We open ourselves up to the ideas of Him and allow his grace to move us in that direction.  So, that could mean many things.  I have spent years trying to figure that out too; only to find the happiness still eludes me. 

I found what appeared to be happiness for a short time last year in a relationship.  Unfortunately when that ended I was lost and hurt and the seeking continued.  Being stuck in a place of questioning is not a pleasant place to be.  The question has grown or changed from why?  To what now?

I believe God has a purpose for all of us.  Maybe, for me, it is the here and now.  The present… the awareness of this moment.  That I am ok.  In fact I know I am.  All my needs are being met.  When I look outwardly things are good.  Inside I am still uncertain of why I am here.  (purpose).

There are many avenues in this area.  Giving to the community I am a part of gives me great joy and at that moment a purpose.  To help someone else… bingo!  But, for me, I find that still only fills the moment and I silently sit and wonder..   what am I here for?

Until that question is answered I suppose we just keep moving forward.  Understanding people, places and things are not meant to fill that hole.  That God size hole. 

To add to this…. Is a mind that never shuts off.  One that truly isn’t my best friend.  I wonder if anyone can relate to that?  The noise (if you will) inside never tells me the truth.  It sounds like this:  you don’t matter, he never loved you, you are stupid, you are fat, you don’t matter, your problems are insignificant to others……  I take a deep breath ….

 

In a moment all can change….. and it does……………….if only for a moment...

Take a look around

I walked outside reveling in the crispness of the early morning temps.  I glanced up and saw this glorious star filled sky that brought a smile to my face.  How many people look up I silently wondered.

In the evening, the awesome beauty of the blues, pinks and oranges of the setting sun catches my breath from time to time.  I would not have noticed without keeping my eyes on the horizon. 

Listening before daybreak to the chirping of the birds as they begin to forage for their daily meals.  Human nature (if feasible) rakes in their own harvest; fearful of not having enough.  Wasteful of much of that.

As I run on the paths designed for enjoyment I listen to the water in the streams beside it.  Occasionally I will stop and see fish or small critters scampering to avoid being the next dinner on the food chain.  Circle of life never ends.

Hiking on mountains small enough to be challenging but big enough to get lost in.  Relishing all the sites found on the trek; silently wondering does anyone stop and smell the flowers anymore?

Cold river water seems still until a kayak breaks the surface.  Joyfully paddling away the endless miles of scenery well aware of the turtles as they sun themselves on logs poking above the water line; diving in to escape the uncertainty of the noises coming from the boats.  In the same way we are startled by a quick movement on the banks only to spy a water rat escaping our vision and perhaps other creatures as well.  The trees, touching the endless blue sky with white billowy clouds marking spaces for a moment.

I would be amiss without the mention of the grass as it grows silently only to be mowed down to a desirable height, which is repeated over and over as the warmth of summer begins to fade.  All the while bringing food to the rabbits that live in the cover somewhere on the property.  Unknown to us as we aren’t quick enough to follow as they jump down the rabbit hole (or do they really exist?).

Watching the sunrise on a warm summer morning, coffee in hand….pondering the events that will unfold as that day progresses.  What a life.  All that I’ve mentioned give life to something even if it is just fresh air that we breathe.

 

Trust in all of my life

Trust in all of my life

This is a tough one.  I have said before that I always had a belief in God but only time I called out to him was in disgrace or misfortune.  Certainly, only to alleviate the immediate concern.  After that I was back to ‘normal’ and Thank you God but I’m good!

That was until Nov 2004.  The 27^th to be exact.  I know because that would have been our 13^th wedding anniversary.  He wanted out of my life and I needed a new one.  One that would save me from me and all that I had become.  I had no idea the journey I was in for.

I have heard that IF we got what we thought we wanted we would short ourselves; I’m referring to our God prayers.  Living right, asking in prayer, and building a firm bedrock in which to live.  I was one of those people.

I begged God to restore my marriage.  I begged Him to fix my drinking.  I begged for my life to straighten out.  Little did I know what was in store.

First off, my marriage did not survive.  But I did get sober and my life has straightened out.  Wow!  So, does He answer our prayers or what?  I began to pray that R’s heart be changed where I was concerned.  It has.  I asked for a new job.  I got that.  Every time I had to move I asked for direction.  At one time I knew I was going to move; leave the apartment that I had lived in for 5 years.  Scary at best but inside I just knew I would be ok.  I asked for something in Hsv, a place for my cats to go outside.  A garage.  What I got was a beautiful condo.  A garage.  A small yard just big enough for frick and frack.  It was in Madison but now, I wouldn’t change that for anything.  I have been there for 3, almost 4 years.  Every day I walk up the stairs I smile.  This is exactly where I was supposed to be.  I am in awe.  There are many more examples of His working in my life some of which I had not even thought of but once the situation was over…. I was always ok.  The events of the summer had me stumped about God and his plan for me.  I still can get upset about the whole thing but I am not reliving that again.  Suffice to say it may have been what I wanted but the other party didn’t.  God saw me through and believe me it was a dark time.  I began to wonder was God there?  In spite of the evidence I have just mentioned… is He there? 

After the breakup I reassessed my true connection.  Was I truly listening?  Did I miss His direction?  During the months that followed things began to lighten up.  Now the next corner to turn.   Trust in spite of.  I have decided to release my grip on another area of my life that He says is the most important in our relationship.  I cried, I bargained and I finally said ok… Here ya go.  This is the interesting part.  Quietness filled me after sometime.  A joy came over me and I knew I would be ok.  This leap of faith was hard and will continue to stretch my faith but I’m giving it to Him.  Yes, I am testing Him.  But I know, in my heart, I will be ok.   Wow!

Goodbye 2014...

So many days this year were either happy of the happiest or sad of the saddest; but this little fella has erased so many sorrows around here and not just my own.  I have 5 gkids ages range from 16, 16, 13x2 and the this precious baby.  We are blessed to have this small wonder and know he is loved, loved, loved.

Today is the first day of 2016.  I have so many thoughts about another year coming up.  Excitement for what God has for me and my family.. and friends.  Contentment most of the time, but still miss S some of the time.  I will be glad when the thoughts turn to quiet reflection instead of sad, sad or sad. 

So, the recap of 2014 without anything about that looks like this:
Still working out like a gym rat.  Still run.   Still nurse injuries from time to time, mostly flare ups that, given some TLC normally subside  (yea haw)!

Job is Ok.  Coworker and I continue to butt heads occasionally.  But, 90% of the time he is humorous and we laugh... laughter can diffuse so much.  Boss worries me; he is 75 years old and his age really is showing.  I need to find another job but laziness keeps me stagnant.  But, the time is coming.

Still love, love, loving my condo.  Well my soft place to fall.  I don't own it and she would like to make me an offer but I asked that we shelve that till after the first of the year... oh boy.

Daughter/family still seem too far away.  I don't see them as often and it is hard to justify that with anything other than excuses.  Fall was exceptionally busy with ballgames... i.e.  flags, cheerleading and band.... D did really well to keep all that flowing!  I only had to worry about her and even that could stretch my patience. 

Relationship with R has not changed.  I am proud of how I have not gone backwards with him after S left.  He has asked several times and I have responded firmly but with love.  No thanks.  We have done that and we are not going back ever again.  He gets angry and I hold my ground and he backs off and then comes again.  Such a dance and considering last year and the year b4 and b4 and b4..... 10 years that was me!  over and over... roll reversal does not equate to easy or without emotion.

Family (siblings) are ok.  Don't see any of them often and my brother is selling his house with the pool which takes away our summer gathering spot.  It has been years that we have not had his pool or the boats and the lake to all converge.  Maybe this summer we can get to the lake more and enjoy each other.... I have to add that 'S' drinking is over the edge but he seems indifferent.  HIs new gfriend never says anything in front of us and they are now living together so I guess she either doesn't  care of is willing to look the other way.  she is a smart cookie so I would think the latter is the answer.

Frick and Frack are my constant companions when I am home.  they are both 10 years old.  Still get around just fine and I pray we have many more years together...

Really a mild fall and winter so far although today the high is 40.... Flooding on xmas day which was incredible.... Thank goodness none of my family were affected...

So that is the 2014 wrap up.  Still walking no matter what..... See you at the gym...