Six Months

 

 

Six Months… Seems like life slows down when things hurt but goes too quickly when everything is good.  Something wrong in all that.

At first after the panic of a broken relationship I wanted to ‘find’ someone to ease the pain.  Ummm. Yeah that wasn’t going to work.

I have gone out on a few coffee dates.  No one I wanted to see twice.  What I have found though.. in talking with these men I could not help but think, I’m truly not interested so why am I here? 

Was I looking for him in who I saw?  Was I hoping some magic thing would happen and I would not look back?  what was it?

About a week ago I gave up.  I gave in to the knowledge and acceptance of ‘I’m not ready, yet’ and that is ok.   Matter of fact… it felt like a weight was gone.  The truth, my truth was staring back at me and I finally embraced it.  Girl you are not there yet.  Ah the sweetness of clarity felt so good.  I guess I had been forcing this ‘dating’ thing when all along it just seemed arduous… well something boring and not anything I was interested in doing…But I just kept thinking… maybe.. perhaps….

So, I deleted any profiles on social dating sites and that felt terrific.  Let my force field down since I have nothing to ‘sell’ (that is a joke) and just relax in the realization that life is good even alone. 

That is a place I wanted to be at, so many times but this is the place where finally it feels ok.  I have pleaded with God many many times.  Finally I prayed….. Lord just help me to release my grip on my wants… allow your energy to flow through me and let your will be my guide.

Sounds great, in theory.   Actually all this did happen.  I am ok.  Which I have been better and looking back through the months I can see how I just have gotten stronger and finally I woke up and realized….. life is truly worth living… now do it!

It helps that the weather is warmer 70’s for a few days.  I am so attached to the outdoors that everything is better in the warmer months…

A few footnotes;  I have learned a few things recently as well.  One is to not talk about last summer in depth.  I have done that a few times with friends that didn’t know what happened and in the end…  I go back inside and want to cry.  The other is if I sit and stew… or ponder over him .. my heart can still race, my mind gets cluttered real quick and like the end result of #1… I get sad.

Honestly being without Steve can still make me sad, but being with Steve made me crazy (at the end) and that is what I forget…. My wonderful forgetter….

So March is here and the birds are coming around, loud and alive.  I actually cleaned out the garage and now I am searching for inexpensive outdoor living space designs.

I would be amiss if I did not include a Tripster update... 4 months old and the absolute love of my life  (along with my other precious grands)