Everything changes...

When I think back perhaps 8 or 9 years ago I was angry with life/family.  This had everything to do with me, not them.  I could not or would not allow them to be who they were/are.  My life turned sharply and they kept right on marching.  I was probably always the 'baby'.  Maybe not in age, but everything else.  I had no idea how to take care of myself.  I had made sure someone had always been there; and when they weren't I was a total mess.  What did they know that I didn't?  I just could not look beyond "me". 
What has happened since then is not always good.  There has been break-ups, divorce, retirement, complete financial ruin and health issues that just won't go away.
Except me.  I may have kicked and screamed my way through the first 5 of those years; those years that I felt alone and abandon. 
I surveyed my family again last night as I sat, once again in the hospital with one of them.  The one that has struggled with health, drugs, family, finances.. you name it.  I thought of how her life was once so golden, so 'on track'.  She was a powerhouse to me.  I thought of another; one who always was able to pay her bills and had done well, but retirement and poor choice of a business venture has lowered her family living standards.  Then the true baby.  We spoke briefly after yet another 'date night' with yet one more being subjected to his infinite scrutiny.
I wondered home, ate and went to bed as early as I could.  I slept well and woke to the whole thing still fresh in my mind.

So, our choices always have some kind of impact on our life.  ALWAYS.  They don't always have to be negative and that is how I think I am living my own life.  I pray constantly for peace, both for them and me.  I pray our lives will level out; that they will find the God that serves us all but is on the outside of their paths, waiting for them to reach to that power, love.

See I know, that I know, that I know, only through the worst time of my life, that I was picked up and put on a course that changed me, my life.  I want that so badly for them. 

I know miracles occur all the time.  MY son is the biggest I know of but certainly won't be the last.

And here, in early 2014 I am no longer angry but hopeful all will be well.

Jj

Quiet is good.

Beautiful Saturday afternoon and evening.  After doing the normal errands this morning I came home and relaxed till late today.  I had to get out and run.  I went to our green trail.  It was chilly but the evening sky was awash in pinks, blues, yellows, reds.  Absoulutely gorgeous.  I ran into a friend (God thing?)  which was good to visit with her.

Tomorrow is the man child's 32nd bday.  You know that in itself is a miracle.  Fantastic miracle.  We will eat and enjoy company.  Awesome.

Still working through some 'alone' time.  Love, love the freedom I have.  But there is a longing that stirs most of the time.  But, I will wait. 

Not much to write about.. I have been silent for a few weeks for a reason.  Nothing to share. 

Happy and content seems to abound these days.  Does not mean I don't get lonely, but I will survive.

God is awesome, all the time.

I just read that my favorite musical performer, Paul Simon is touring with Sting this year.  How cool that would be to see them together.  I checked the concert dates, right now there isn't one for my area.  I will keep checking. 

Enjoy the weekend.

Jj

Old man winter please blow away!

The wind is howling outside my office window.  Small flakes of snow are blowing around.  Trees look like they could snap.  Temps dropping from the 40’s to the 30’s during the day.  I hate winter!

Grandaughter was so incredibly sick this weekend while at my house.  Could not keep her temp below 101 for very long.  She went to the doc yesterday and has tonsillitis.  I would have sworn it was strep but the test came back negative.  Poor thing…………

Yesterday morning it sounded like a bird was in my chimney.  My cats were having a fit.  I hated it for the bird but when I got home last night everything was quiet.  I hope he was able to fly out.

New bible study going on.  Promises from God.  Interesting but lots of homework.  Clearly stated in bible verse and verse of what He will do.  Now if I will continue to “let” Him.

I was thinking this morning of how quiet life seems right now.  Dare I even think that?  Fear of casting a shadow over things looms internally.  I am not creating chaos, I am not busy destroying lives and right now it seems most things are ok.

So, as I beg my space heater to ward off the wind at my desk, as the window’s chill starts to lower the temp. at my desk; I again state, I HATE winter.

Life is too short

I lost a friend the other day.  He had been given an 18month prognosis after finding brain cancer.  He made it just that long.  His battle was courageous.  He married his girlfriend after the diagnosis, a decision they both decided on for whatever reason.  His impact on the fellowship I belong to was unmeasurable.  They talked of grace and dignity when they described him.  We never saw him feeling sorry for himself  in spite of what he was going through.  We are all better humans just knowing him.  And he is healed, finally.

So, one of the woman I have worked with for 3ish years in our program went back at it full force.  She may not make it back.  Just too much trauma in her short life that just can’t be changed to help her grow beyond it.  Drinking gives her peace, if only for a moment.  It breaks my heart but honestly….. I can’t make her want to be sober.

It is January 17^th and the temps outside show it.  The high today will be in the 40’s but it is certainly chilly.  I am not a cold weather fan and spring can not come soon enough.  After the holidays I want to jump right into spring.  The months of Jan-Mar are dark, cold and depressing.

No raise this year.  Boss told me that our Obama care has taken my raise, since my healthcare has gone up $200.00 a month, he has decided that is where our raise will go.  He pays the entire $500.00 a month and I am more than grateful for that, but my pocketbook will be over $2,000 shorter because of this.  Again, where is the affordable stuff that asshole told us we would get/have.  No truth to that at all.  And forgive my French!

Full weekend with the grandkids planned.  I am happy to spend this time with them.  They are my babies!

Hopefully the end of this week brings reflections of joy and peace, all of which are gifts from above.

 

Happy New Year

So, the crazy holidays are behind us from 2013.  Here we are the first day of the new year.  2014.  I pray all of us have the best of this upcoming year.  Here! Here!

It is bitter cold here with the chance of snow tomorrow, which, for us in the south is a treat.  So, fingers crossed!!!

I am hoping my 'flu' is on the upside of recovery.  I must say that I have gotten this sick for the past 3 or 4 years so hopefully this is it!  Poor RJ is now really sick.   Hoping he recovers quickly.  This is a bugger bear of a strain. 

I did begin 2014 at the gym.  I went to show myself I could.  I stayed to force myself to get off the couch today.  So, scratch that off my list.  I am now home, blogging and sipping hot coffee.  Yum!

I have to say that 2013 was a great year.  Depression seemed to be held at bay.  Work life improved, financially I have made great strides and continue too, and emotionally ... well I have found contentment within which is so much more than I could have imagined.  Yeah God!

Spiritually things just seem good.  I can't explain this new awakening, nor do I want to try.  I so enjoy my church life and being involved seems to suit me.  I have so longed for the life that HE set me to have.  And I know that it is here and now. 

Watching Tournament of Roses parade.  Not one of my favorites but it is a staple of new years day.

Happy New year!!!!

It's over.... or is it..

It's over......Or is it?

December 28th. or is it the 27th?  I'm not sure I have been sick since 6:00 on Christmas Eve.  You ask how do I know the hour?  I had a slight sore throat as I walked into church.  Within 30 minutes I had lost my voice.  By later that night I was coughing and wondering what had hit me.  By Xmas morning I managed to get to my daughter's for a few hours and that was it.  I spent the rest of xmas on the couch.  Coughing, feeling awful and worst of all............ no voice.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am lost without my voice or hands, as I suspect most of us are. 
However, by yesterday I demanded this 'flu' be gone (ha! ha!)  I loaded up on meds and managed to get my decorations down.  Later in the day I went out, hit a meeting and thought... 'hey I am over this'  until I walked into walmart.  I started hacking and coughing  and knew that the reason I am able to be up and out is, again,  meds.  cold and cough meds.   ugh!

So, this blog seems to be my 'voice' today...

I am sad to see the holiday's go.  It seems with it gone some of the kindness leaves too.  Why is that?  No more parties, gift swaps, family get togethers and worst of all at least 3 months of dreary days.

Sickness abounded during the week of Christmas.  Daughters family, one at a time got the worst stomach flu I have ever heard of.  Seems it hit my future daughter in law yesterday.  U-G-L-Y....

So, Christmas 2013 is now tucked away.  Gifts put away or returned. And by the way I got some really awesome gifts....

So, it is really cold outside, the coffee is piping hot and this blanket and couch are calling my name... If just for another day.   So much for my vacation.

It's a Wonderful Life

Theme?  Santa hats...
 

I'm not referring to Jimmy Stewart, although I believe we can all use a miracle, don't you?
Christmas is 3 days away.  Of course I am excited of Xmas morning and being with my fantastic grandchildren, my children, son's fiancé and the kids dad.  We are carrying on a tradition mom started when her grandkids were little.  I believe xmas is for kids.  All kids. 

So, this weekend was the "BoXXXXX's" gathering.  Not sure why it is called that since our extended families seem to fill up the place, and growing.  How awesome.  But, alas, the base family unit began with BoXXXXXX. 

I forgot the count, probably 20ish.... So many kids, grandkids..... And some family members that weren't able to make it last year.  My only regret is we did not get a group photo.  Dang it! 

Eating (our favorite thing to do) a few games and lots of laughter and fellowship.  Thank goodness we all get along.  There were times when we didn't.  Times when arguments insued, leaving hurt feelings or angry souls.  Are we beyond that?  I hope so.

In church this month they have asked if there is anyone that has inspired our walk or someone we may want to be a blessing to this week, month than write their name on a slip of paper.  We turn it in and they add it to a paper chain hanging from the stage.  I keep listing the same folks.  :)

Our temps are incredibly out of season.  The high yesterday was 70.  During the night a cold front moved through giving a light show and lots of rain and thunder.  If I wasn't concerned of tornado outbreak, I probably would have slept like a baby.  No!  Not the case.  We (in the south) know all too well the collision of two fronts hitting each other and the affects it causes.  We are not alone.  The news is full of ice, snow, rain, cold, cold cold.  Seems all areas from Texas eastward are affected.  Brother/sis in law are on the road heading north.  Actually we have heard they have arrived... safe.

So, it truly is a wonderful life, and I like it. 

Merry Christmas everyone...

Jj