When I think back perhaps 8 or 9 years ago I was angry with life/family. This had everything to do with me, not them. I could not or would not allow them to be who they were/are. My life turned sharply and they kept right on marching. I was probably always the 'baby'. Maybe not in age, but everything else. I had no idea how to take care of myself. I had made sure someone had always been there; and when they weren't I was a total mess. What did they know that I didn't? I just could not look beyond "me".
What has happened since then is not always good. There has been break-ups, divorce, retirement, complete financial ruin and health issues that just won't go away.
Except me. I may have kicked and screamed my way through the first 5 of those years; those years that I felt alone and abandon.
I surveyed my family again last night as I sat, once again in the hospital with one of them. The one that has struggled with health, drugs, family, finances.. you name it. I thought of how her life was once so golden, so 'on track'. She was a powerhouse to me. I thought of another; one who always was able to pay her bills and had done well, but retirement and poor choice of a business venture has lowered her family living standards. Then the true baby. We spoke briefly after yet another 'date night' with yet one more being subjected to his infinite scrutiny.
I wondered home, ate and went to bed as early as I could. I slept well and woke to the whole thing still fresh in my mind.
So, our choices always have some kind of impact on our life. ALWAYS. They don't always have to be negative and that is how I think I am living my own life. I pray constantly for peace, both for them and me. I pray our lives will level out; that they will find the God that serves us all but is on the outside of their paths, waiting for them to reach to that power, love.
See I know, that I know, that I know, only through the worst time of my life, that I was picked up and put on a course that changed me, my life. I want that so badly for them.
I know miracles occur all the time. MY son is the biggest I know of but certainly won't be the last.
And here, in early 2014 I am no longer angry but hopeful all will be well.
Jj
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