Running in too many directions

Go back to school in the fall?  Change jobs?  Move?  All of these are truly life changing events and I am looking at all 3 within the same time frame.  Am I excited?  Hmmm.  Afraid?  Yes.   Afraid that I am not making good decisions.  I can't stand the thought of moving again.  I think I have addressed that here b4.  Since my divorce I have moved 5 times.  That is within 7.5 years.  I want to get somewhere and stay put but buying a house is not going to happen this year. 
School?  Now this is a scary proposition.  I want so badly to have marketable skills beyond what I have now.  I want back in the private sector where I would be given more opportunities and training to better myself.  But where to begin.  If school were free (grant) this would not be a big deal.  But it's not.  It's 100% on me.  That terrifies me.
That ties into the job thing.   So............ what to do?
Asking for guidance from God is where I begin.  But when the noise gets too loud I get scared I won't do the right thing.  I had a sponsor tell me many times (several years ago)  so what if you make the wrong choice.  Nothing is etched in stone.  My fear is it will set me back into financial worry (more so than now). 
So........  Pondering my life choices will wear me out. 
You ask why move?  Well my lease is up in Oct (end of Sept).  after 5 years here (2 of which have been in the 2 bedroom I'm in now) I want a house or rather a condo (they have pools).  that is do able.  I pay my car off soon and that is another motivator.  I long for a place of my own that I can paint if I want, plant flowers, decorate to my hearts (and purse) content. 
Today none of this has to be decided.  So I will walk with confidence that God is guiding me.  I will hold my head up without fear the job will suck me dry.  I will ask for help w/ the relationship I can't walk away from. 
Can God change all this?  Yes.  Will I let Him?  Jeez I'll try.

Lots to learn

Jobs.  Who needs 'em?   Uh we all do.  I mean food, shelter, clothing.  The essentials.  How do we go about on a daily basis loving our jobs?  Enjoying what we do?  That is a big issue.  I think I hear so often how unhappy people are with their current employment and I wonder why?  Well corporate america has changed considerably.  It's more about go go go and do do do and give give give, right?  Absolutely.
So, how do we give give give and be ok in doing so?  I don't have the answer.  But in my own experience I will say this; everytime I have become unhappy I try to find the solution.  Sometimes it may mean leaving that job.  And I have done that.  Not "run away" but work out a viable plan.  I will say that in my current position I find it hard to not have the direction and training I believe is necessary to be a complete employee.  So the solution is simple. 
Now, the reason for this entry is to  say this;  I spent all afternoon yesterday really upset over something that happened at work.  It was not good and I really needed "them" to say it was ok, that the sky wouldn't fall.  But guess what I got?  Nada!  I mean a mistake is a mistake.  We learn from them (hopefully).  We get the information and training we need based on that.  But as a woman, as a woman driven by emotions, I do not always react w/ a true business like demeanor. 
I do not want my self worth to come from my job.  Or from a man.  Or from my children or grandchildren.  But it does.  It defines me.  It always has.  So when one of those areas is upset - it takes a toll on me.
Yesterday was the example. 
Nothing I could do would fix it.  And I had to sit in it.  Be ok knowing it wasn't ok.  I tried to reach my boss after hours to talk to him and couldn't.  It was awful.  I felt so......... bad.
A person I know listened to me cry and rant about this after work.  He finally said, 'why are you being so hard on yourself?  Really?  Doesn't everyone want to be the best at what they do?

I will ponder this and get back with you.

Where to begin

I am beginning to think I'm insane.  Up one day down the next.  I finally took a step towards some help.  Well, other than our program.  It was a hard and long hour to sit and talk about me.  Yes, I know, hard to believe and alcoholic that does not want to be the center of attention.  Not this kind.  I cried and talked and listened and cried.......  I may never get over losing R.  I may never find the comfort that I did not have growing up.  Security.  I may never.  Well as long as I'm looking outside of me.  I have a long journey ahead of me.  I pray that I have the strength to forge ahead.
I made an ass of myself last night with him.  I am so manipulative and during our conversation I wanted to slam blame and hurt all over him.  he remained quiet.  I blabbed on and on about how awful I felt I had been.  How my parents sucked at being parents and I was finally getting some help to deal with all that.  He just listened.  .  I wanted to scream, just tell me your sorry.   but I didn't.  I hung up in tears and he is used to that.
I want today to be better.  To be full.  I am walking forward in spite of how my dis-ease is telling me not too.

Amen to the power that keeps me sober.  Here's to hoping he can mend what is broken inside.

Failure in communicating

I met w/ a precious sponsee last night.  I wanted to encourage her to utilize the 10th step more.  She has been diligent w/ 1-9 but as we all probably can attest to doing; when we feel better we back off.  Anyway sitting with her and listening to things that give her grief I tried to convey how taking a check daily will keep her side of the street somewhat clean.  That those few checks;  was I resentful, was I fearful, did I harm anyone, was I selfish or did I try to see where I could help..........  Simple and yet we sweep are days under the bed like dust that we don't want to pick up and throw away.  Eventually it will need to be cleaned up.  Why wait?
Well I am the same way.  I can do the "mental" check list but it really isn't a cleaning.  It's a dusting.  I said before I do not want mediocre sobriety.  Well how do I keep that from happening?  10, 11, 12.  Get off your duff and get going.  No one keeps tabs on us.  By the time I got to 9 I had begun to feel that God conscienceness.  Somedays I wanted more.  Then life gets better and I slack off.  Hard times hit and I panic and want the benefits from the steps......... now!
Aren't we a silly lot?  As for me, I want ALL the benefit and little work.  It does get tiring cleaning up my side daily.  But what are the options?
Misery?
Drinking again?
Death?

All options and all can be held at bay IF and WHEN I committe to this program. 

I feel like I failed at the communication with her on this.   Oh, why didn't I say,  READ the BOOK!  It's right there. 

Thank goodness for another day sober.  I shall check in with her later today.   See if she would like mediocre sobriety or better, today.

The benefits far out weigh the other.   Thank YOU God for helping, no weight..... doing what it takes in my life to keep me relatively happy and certainly much sainer!

Slow down I'm peddling as fast as I can....

Life is going too fast.   I felt like I was running as fast as I could over the past few days.  There is always something going on, beyond work.  Honestly when I was "out there" there was no life.  No being a part of.  So this is not a complaint.  Just a statement. 
I was on the phone or texting till way after 9pm.  Feeling overwhelmed at the time but leaving me tired this  morning. 
Staying sober, having a life, enjoying it when I allow myself to.  Seeing where I can help others. 

After a good nights sleep, I am ready (ok, after coffee too) to tackle what comes my way.

Run away...

When I ran (like hell) from my old "life" [as if it were one]; I wanted so far away fromt he shame of it all.  What I didn't count on was the shame that followed me.  Shame attached to childhood.  Shame belonging to people that didn't even exist anymore.  Really?  WTH?
I have found that I can not hide from shame.  If and I say that as it may, come up, I check to see what is going on.  Hence Saturday.  I have never been to a bondsman before.  I went to get my son out of jail.  I hated every minute of it.  It brought up such bad feelings.  Then on to the metro jail.  I have never (yet) been inside; for any reason.  After a wait here he comes.  The 'boy' I raised with no hope of anything beyond today.  The child that can't intertwine with society.  I wanted to weep.
So he is back with me.  I pray with all I am that he will see the only way out is through a power that he must tap into.  But all my prayers may go unnoticed. 
Where do I find the place within myself to say, "let him go".  Let those choices be his path.  I am unsure.

I felt very beat down this past week.  Too much happening either too me or around me to keep up.  Like dancing in the rain trying to avoid those drops of water.  Useless energy.

Yesterday I went to probably the best sunday service I have been too in awhile.  The son sat beside me and all I could think of is, "do you hear this"?  Well I sure did.  I felt so renewed. 

I'm nearing the end of my bible study on the book of James.  At first it was refreshing.  Then it pointed out how flawed I really am.  I cried.  I felt such betrayel of self.  But then when we know better we do better.  And that is where I am. 

So, sober living, thinking, breathing...........  all sober.  Not always fear free but I continue this path knowing I'm right where I am supposed to be.  The awesome thing is I am grateful to be here.  Not out there.

Please God..... keep me sane and sober

Happy Friday.  Happy Freakin' Friday.   I feel so overwhelmed.  Son, finances, sponsees, my own sobriety.  ugh! 
Something has to give.  Lets pray it's not my sobriety.  I can't change some of what I'm going through.  I went to get my son out of jail last night.  No go.  He has another bond for something we thought had been dropped and blah, blah, blah.  I have to let go of this.   HaVE TOO!  It's engulfing my every waking minute.
Nothing is harder (except death) than watching your loved one go down this path over and over.  Hey wait.  That was me a few years ago with the exception of jails.   That is a yet for me.
Funeral home tonight.  Nephew's wife's dad passed away.  Obligatory visitation.  I had never met him but I adore my neice. 
Sister being moved to a regular room finally.  That was almost 2 weeks in SICU.  Whew!  We continue to be tested in ways I never dreamed. 
Arent' we supposed to be skipping through life by now?  grown kids, precious grandkids.  Financially ok (well some are).  What is going on?
I feel a lot of my world is out of control.  My control.   So I ask God to help me see his will for ME today.  I can not take on any of His other kids. 
So, what I do know is :
It is Friday and after today we have 2 glorious days to be away from work
I am sober today, and I ask God to keep me that way.
I will have all 4 of my grandkids over tonight.
We will spend tomorrow swimming!  No matter how cold the water is.
That God's grace is sufficient, no matter how I FEEL!