Run away...

When I ran (like hell) from my old "life" [as if it were one]; I wanted so far away fromt he shame of it all.  What I didn't count on was the shame that followed me.  Shame attached to childhood.  Shame belonging to people that didn't even exist anymore.  Really?  WTH?
I have found that I can not hide from shame.  If and I say that as it may, come up, I check to see what is going on.  Hence Saturday.  I have never been to a bondsman before.  I went to get my son out of jail.  I hated every minute of it.  It brought up such bad feelings.  Then on to the metro jail.  I have never (yet) been inside; for any reason.  After a wait here he comes.  The 'boy' I raised with no hope of anything beyond today.  The child that can't intertwine with society.  I wanted to weep.
So he is back with me.  I pray with all I am that he will see the only way out is through a power that he must tap into.  But all my prayers may go unnoticed. 
Where do I find the place within myself to say, "let him go".  Let those choices be his path.  I am unsure.

I felt very beat down this past week.  Too much happening either too me or around me to keep up.  Like dancing in the rain trying to avoid those drops of water.  Useless energy.

Yesterday I went to probably the best sunday service I have been too in awhile.  The son sat beside me and all I could think of is, "do you hear this"?  Well I sure did.  I felt so renewed. 

I'm nearing the end of my bible study on the book of James.  At first it was refreshing.  Then it pointed out how flawed I really am.  I cried.  I felt such betrayel of self.  But then when we know better we do better.  And that is where I am. 

So, sober living, thinking, breathing...........  all sober.  Not always fear free but I continue this path knowing I'm right where I am supposed to be.  The awesome thing is I am grateful to be here.  Not out there.