past, present and future

Past, Present and Future

I am blessed to have loved someone so deeply, hurt so terribly, and forgiven immeasurably.  Really a gift from above.  Who knew?  Who knew!  

This post is about where I was and where I am now and how I got there.  I do not want to repeat the same stuff previously blogged about but it might come out that way.  You see, I am forever indebted to my past, to my love for him (RJ), and the God that loved me in spite of all I had done. 

I had let my past dictate who I was for so long that it over ran my present, which eventually becomes the past again.  I beat my head against the wall of regret so often and for so long that even I had lost all hope. 

In our fellowship it states, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  I could not get that in to my heart to save my life.  The hurt was just too much.  What I know now is that I stood in the way of my own recovery far too long without knowing it.  I hid behind a wall of shame that probably started way before the series of events I am writing about.  What‘s the old adage, if ya never knew, ya never knew…. Lastly, once I knew, it made it worse… See the solution to all my problems was a spiritual one and let me say this that is a hard pill to swallow (no pun intended).

So, in order for my future to be ok, my past and present had to be shaken and readdressed.  What a concept.  What a huge undertaking.  Thankfully I believe in a God so big that none of who I was, what I did, surprised him.  He loved me anyway!  See, I am still not good at the unconditional love thing.  But!  I’m trying.

So, years of tears have given way to the acceptance of it all.  Yes I did all that.  Yes I hurt him.  Yes he hurt me…………………… enough, don’t you think?

I knew, deep inside that letting go and letting God take control was the answer…. I just fought so hard to do it my way to get my results.  What a shock to find that His way has given me MORE than what I wanted.  Just in his time, not mine.  Well, actually perhaps my time, just had to hurt enough, fear enough, and give up… enough!

So, my present can still be marred by self-doubt/self-pity/fear……  But I’m learning to trust an infinite God.  I smile thinking of that.  Perhaps that is because someone came into my life that has taken my breath away… perhaps.

So, unhooking my present from my past doesn’t mean I forget.  Uh uh.  Doesn’t happen that way.  But it doing so I am free to live a life that adds joy to the present, 0pening up the joy of the future.  What a concept. 

The men in my life have all been the exact need at the right time.  Doesn’t mean they were supposed to stay, although they did, for a season.  But what it does say is I loved as best I could, as deep as I was capable, and as long as I was able. 

Enter the newest man in my life.  Total unorthodox but for now its working.  We are a tight fit and surprisingly enough… it truly is the right time… for us both.