Pieces of the puzzle

As I sat at my dining room table this morning doing the homework on the Study of the Book of James i started to cry.  How could I lived 53 years and been so full of pride and self loathing all at the same time.  Worse yet; try to fill my "God size hole" making YOU feel bad.
Can you relate?  Be a "doer" not just a "reader" of the word.  Now you can relate?  I mean when we know better we do better, right?  All my life I tried to be a "good girl".  Not that I was horrible but I was.  I used anything and everything to make me feel better.  Drugs, alcohol, men, food, the right clothes, house... you name it.
Where that all got me was NOWHERE.  Still the hole was there. 
In the month of May of 2011 I was baptised.  Why?  Because I knew that I should be and I also albeit incorrectly thought that may give me added grace.  Boy oh boy can I make things appear to be a mess.
Somehow I managed to get to a class on the book of James.  It is beginning to open my sore eyes to a new way of thinking, hopefully living. 
As I sat at my table reading I was filled with sadness and hope all at the same time.  It was incredibly moving.  I wanted to absorb all that I read and felt.  For the first time in my life I wasn't afraid.  Wow.  Awesome!

Editing Ego

I was thinking the other day about speaking.  In my circle of course.  I had done it several times but it has been a few years.  So, my ego driven "self" told me that no one thinks I have anything worth hearing.  Last night I am at my home group and was asked to speak on birthday night.  I was excited.  Then I got home and was alone with ME and I got scared.  Fully ego driven I began to fear the "what if's" and the "oh no's". 
This will give me an opportunity to put the program in action.  When in fear as God to remove it and turn our thoughts to another.  So I did.
Here is the problem.  I used to love to be the center of the attention.  Yup believe it or not.  Anyway once I got sober and you told me what the problem was I could see clearly where I had always been.  So now I find it incredibly hard to stand up and talk to you.  or them.  I'm not funny, I do not have amusing stories of what it was like.  I still cringe telling about "me".  Why is that?  Well I'm worried that you will be bored.  You will think less of me.  You will wonder why I'm telling my story.  blah, blah, blah.  Sounds pretty self absorbed, right.  You bet it is.  So another opportunity presents itself. 
So, I really can't remember anything funny about the old life.  Maybe telling it to my siblings we can laugh but not to you.  Oh there were plenty of hysterical (and I don't mean the laughing kind) moments.  There were plenty of tears.  But how do I convey that to you?  I love to hear speakers that keep us laughing.  But I am not one of them.  I'm too intense. 

I am no longer a broken woman.  There is a start.  I can look in the mirror and know that I am one with the rest of the world.  I am not at the bottom of the heap which is where I always seemed to end up.

My story is more about how I was beat down.  How when I looked around in the 1st treatment center how scared I was of all that I had done and what would happen to me now. 

I was without "him".  the guiding force in my life.  holy crap.

I'll tell you I am better.  Fine?  Probably some of the time.  Scared?  Sometimes.  But not shut down by it.  Lonely?  At times.  Bitter?  NO.  Resentful?  No.
How could I stand b4 you and God and not tell of the better part of my life with joy?  Whether there is laughter or not, I pray my peace shines through.

We'll see.

A different Path

I love being sober!  I mean emotionally sober.  But how did I get there and how do I remain?  Well the beginning was extremely hard.  The steps helped to clear out the junk, and level the playing field for me.  when your entire life was consumed by fear and self loathing anything is better than that. 
God keeps revealing more to me.  Somedays I relish that, others I cringe.  But, I want to continue to walk this sober walk.  In all areas of my life.  Sometimes that is difficult.
My family is falling apart.  I mean my sister's family.  Too much drama and anger for me.  I steer clear if possible and try not to add to the mix.
Ever feel like you were leaving all semblance of your old life behind?  I do.  I fear for my family thought.  Fear that their lives will always be a muddy mess. 
So without saying goodbye to AA I am continuing on a spiritual plane.  Church.  Yes, I said it.  That seems to evoke high emotions in our fellow sufferers.  I joke at that.  Really?  Who do YOU think got you here?  Who do you THINK keeps you here?  For me I know the answer. 
As I sat in a woman's bible study last night I began to look around at the woman.  Not to judge, but to observe.  Where are they in this walk?  Do they have their lives together?  Is God center?  do they need HIM like I do?  For me there will be days of lollying in the sunshine.  But there will always be the need and desire (I pray) to Keep God the Center of my world.  All other paths led me to more destruction.

I am in awe of HIS Power!

Resolve to do what?

I am so good at picking out the ONE thing about you that irritates me.  But let you do that to me and I am completely defensive.  I have spent months angry, resentful at a woman that has been sober for 20 years.  I'd love to list her many defects but that would defeat the purpose of my writing.  Instead, IF I want to mature and grow and be free of those things which stand in the way of being useful to God and you I MUST stop.   Stop.  How do I do that?  When she walks in the room and dismisses me as if I were a school girl.  As if I don't matter.  Matter!  That's it.  It conjurs up those feelings of childhood.  It always comes to this.  I want to matter.  I want you to know I am there.  That I have something so important to say that you will be in awe of me.  OMG.  How ego driven is that?  And all along I have been more than happy to remain angry.  And I will until it gets too painful. 
This morning I read all about me in the daily meditations.  I was slapped into the reality that I have not been acting very "sober".
Resolve.  Yes, resolve to do better. 
Who am I kidding?  IF I could change me I would.  God makes that possible.  With my cooperation anything is possible.  Today is a real good example of being shown where my character is headed.  So the 3rd step prayer is invaluable to me IF IF IF I apply it to all areas of my life.

And I want too.  And I will.  And I will see how HE is changing  me.  Little ole' humble me.  

HE picked me up........

In my "other life" I hated to hear the birds chirping so happily in the morning.  It was sign that my darkness was coming undone and people would expect me to be where I was supposed to be.  Not holed up in a lonely apartment wishing for a different life but not having the ability to change the one I had.

All that has changed.  The God that I so thought hated me for all that I had done has picked me up and set my course right.  And the birds rejoice with me.  I am in awe! 

What can I say of this new life?  I have a program that has taught, and continues to teach me how to live.  Live with you and with me.  I am filled with so much gratitude this morning.  Its a warm spring day.  Ahhh. Breathing in the air that He gives.

If I sound silly, so what.  I shall not apologize for a good morning.  A morning that  will be followed by more mornings.  Ones that no longer have to be filled with fear and self loathing.  To stand up straight and know that I am enough. 

This is such a process.  At times I can still slide back into fear.  Fear of what you will think of me.  Fear of him not wanting to see me. Fear of children living the same life I ran from.  Fear, Fear, Fear.  But God!  But God.  But God pulled me out of that awful abyss.  I see more clearly now that my cries for help were heard.  And I'm told he knew what I was going to say even before I did.  How powerful is that?

Now, how do I share that kind of love?  How do I show the people in my life how big of a difference this has made to me.  Can they, do they see it already?  Is the skeptical side of them telling them, yeah but?!

That was me for so long.  First not knowing the problem, then not being able to do anything about that.  Finally finding a God so powerfully loving through the fellowship of AA.  Wow.

And my journey continues as my smile broadens.

Lest I forget

Had a small meltdown last night.  I still find it difficult to label my feelings.  Is that necessary?  Some say no.
However, it has been a hard beginning to this year.  Several family members have been hospitalized for periods of time.  One is now in a rehab for a shoulder surgery.  Then there is "him" who was sober for a few days and then is now MIA.  I did see him walking the other day and I had to turn away.  There is no assistance for someone still fighting.  And he seems to have a lot of fight left in him.  Breaking my heart is a mild term.  So, I still can stuff my feelings.  I don't even know I'm doing that.  Hence the breakdown last night.  I could feel the saddness coming on for days.  I just kept thinking it would go away.  It didn't.  It consumed me.  So on the phone w/ my sponsor and I'm telling her what I am feeling.  Not what is going on with the family.  She tends to want to send me to Alanon and I just don't want to do that.  I finally asked her to keep it within the AA solution.  She listened and said you are still not addressing this.  My mind was racing.  Addressing what?  the sadness of a loved one that may die?  I hate it when we are told to let go and let God.  After all he has the plan, not I.  I admitted I know God is taking care of me.  But what about "him".  So maybe I do need Alanon. 
Stuffing feelings still comes easily to me.  But this is different.  I truly thought what I was doing was saying, "I can not change these things" and then trying not to be bothered by them.  Ha!  What a lark.  Of course I'm sad.  It's my child.  It's my siblings.  Knowing I can't change the outcome doesn't take away the hurt, the fear. 
So, I've got some work to do.  Perhaps asking God to help me turn over all of this "hurt and anger" to HIM who has THE plan. 
I don't have the answer.  But, I don't want to 'stuff' until a drink sounds like a solution.  I don't want to permiate the air with my disalusionment of the whole recovery bit.  So, I sit quietly and wait.  Wait for what?  For God to show up?  yup , you betcha!

People amaze me.

I am amazed.  Amazed at people in this program with more sobriety than I doing incredibly harmful things.  AND staying sober!   Me, well I am too afraid to test that area.  I mean someone actually posted in a facebook private group set up for our large AA family about people sleeping around in the group.  And some other rather interesting comments.  My sponsee called upset.  How could anyone do that?  My response was this; we are human beings trying to be spiritual.  We are not saints.  And best of all- that is their deal.  While I disagree w/ the distasteful post, i won't add to it by commenting one way or the other.
We all grow at varying degrees.  I had to be taught in sobriety how to act.  And I'm still a work in progress.  I didn't take a drink yesterday and I've asked God to help me today to stay sober physically and emotionally.  I can't imagine living in the darkness again.  :)