Had a small meltdown last night. I still find it difficult to label my feelings. Is that necessary? Some say no.
However, it has been a hard beginning to this year. Several family members have been hospitalized for periods of time. One is now in a rehab for a shoulder surgery. Then there is "him" who was sober for a few days and then is now MIA. I did see him walking the other day and I had to turn away. There is no assistance for someone still fighting. And he seems to have a lot of fight left in him. Breaking my heart is a mild term. So, I still can stuff my feelings. I don't even know I'm doing that. Hence the breakdown last night. I could feel the saddness coming on for days. I just kept thinking it would go away. It didn't. It consumed me. So on the phone w/ my sponsor and I'm telling her what I am feeling. Not what is going on with the family. She tends to want to send me to Alanon and I just don't want to do that. I finally asked her to keep it within the AA solution. She listened and said you are still not addressing this. My mind was racing. Addressing what? the sadness of a loved one that may die? I hate it when we are told to let go and let God. After all he has the plan, not I. I admitted I know God is taking care of me. But what about "him". So maybe I do need Alanon.
Stuffing feelings still comes easily to me. But this is different. I truly thought what I was doing was saying, "I can not change these things" and then trying not to be bothered by them. Ha! What a lark. Of course I'm sad. It's my child. It's my siblings. Knowing I can't change the outcome doesn't take away the hurt, the fear.
So, I've got some work to do. Perhaps asking God to help me turn over all of this "hurt and anger" to HIM who has THE plan.
I don't have the answer. But, I don't want to 'stuff' until a drink sounds like a solution. I don't want to permiate the air with my disalusionment of the whole recovery bit. So, I sit quietly and wait. Wait for what? For God to show up? yup , you betcha!
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