Pieces of the puzzle

As I sat at my dining room table this morning doing the homework on the Study of the Book of James i started to cry.  How could I lived 53 years and been so full of pride and self loathing all at the same time.  Worse yet; try to fill my "God size hole" making YOU feel bad.
Can you relate?  Be a "doer" not just a "reader" of the word.  Now you can relate?  I mean when we know better we do better, right?  All my life I tried to be a "good girl".  Not that I was horrible but I was.  I used anything and everything to make me feel better.  Drugs, alcohol, men, food, the right clothes, house... you name it.
Where that all got me was NOWHERE.  Still the hole was there. 
In the month of May of 2011 I was baptised.  Why?  Because I knew that I should be and I also albeit incorrectly thought that may give me added grace.  Boy oh boy can I make things appear to be a mess.
Somehow I managed to get to a class on the book of James.  It is beginning to open my sore eyes to a new way of thinking, hopefully living. 
As I sat at my table reading I was filled with sadness and hope all at the same time.  It was incredibly moving.  I wanted to absorb all that I read and felt.  For the first time in my life I wasn't afraid.  Wow.  Awesome!