Editing Ego

I was thinking the other day about speaking.  In my circle of course.  I had done it several times but it has been a few years.  So, my ego driven "self" told me that no one thinks I have anything worth hearing.  Last night I am at my home group and was asked to speak on birthday night.  I was excited.  Then I got home and was alone with ME and I got scared.  Fully ego driven I began to fear the "what if's" and the "oh no's". 
This will give me an opportunity to put the program in action.  When in fear as God to remove it and turn our thoughts to another.  So I did.
Here is the problem.  I used to love to be the center of the attention.  Yup believe it or not.  Anyway once I got sober and you told me what the problem was I could see clearly where I had always been.  So now I find it incredibly hard to stand up and talk to you.  or them.  I'm not funny, I do not have amusing stories of what it was like.  I still cringe telling about "me".  Why is that?  Well I'm worried that you will be bored.  You will think less of me.  You will wonder why I'm telling my story.  blah, blah, blah.  Sounds pretty self absorbed, right.  You bet it is.  So another opportunity presents itself. 
So, I really can't remember anything funny about the old life.  Maybe telling it to my siblings we can laugh but not to you.  Oh there were plenty of hysterical (and I don't mean the laughing kind) moments.  There were plenty of tears.  But how do I convey that to you?  I love to hear speakers that keep us laughing.  But I am not one of them.  I'm too intense. 

I am no longer a broken woman.  There is a start.  I can look in the mirror and know that I am one with the rest of the world.  I am not at the bottom of the heap which is where I always seemed to end up.

My story is more about how I was beat down.  How when I looked around in the 1st treatment center how scared I was of all that I had done and what would happen to me now. 

I was without "him".  the guiding force in my life.  holy crap.

I'll tell you I am better.  Fine?  Probably some of the time.  Scared?  Sometimes.  But not shut down by it.  Lonely?  At times.  Bitter?  NO.  Resentful?  No.
How could I stand b4 you and God and not tell of the better part of my life with joy?  Whether there is laughter or not, I pray my peace shines through.

We'll see.