Goodbye to her life

It has been an incredibly emotion filled weekend.  My oldest sister, my old running buddy, my partner in crime has succumed once again to the horreds of her poor body.  They found her (thank God) semiconscience Sat morning.  She arrived via ambulance shortly around 11:00am.  I arrived right behind them.  She worked, very succesfully at this hospital for about 20 years.  The people that are still at the ER (which is where she worked, and thrived) love her.  I didn't understand that at first.  She has been super selfish her whole life but they love her.  Well Sat as we all rushed in to watch as they tried to save her (and they did) some of them cried.  Some sat stoic as if that would keep them from feeling.  Her family;  boohoo'd as if that would erase their careless attention to her over the past several years.  Her other family; me, my other sister and my brother stood and watched.  Our dilemna was this;  she has been so sick for so long.  in and out of hospitals, nursing homes (and she is only 58).  therapy. surgeries.  pain, more pain.  and then MORE pain.  What once was the  most active, going going going female I knew is now a puddle of mess.  Tubes running everywhere.  Breathing apparatus doing its job.  Worst bp was 41/21.  They ushered us out.  When it looked like she was stable enough they rushed her to surgery.  She had a ruptured bowel.  She had another surgery yesterday.  IF she pulls through she will not ever live alone again.  Today they will try to ween her off the respirator.  They had her in a drug induced coma and that was hard to see.  All of this is hard.  And I'm just her sister.  Her baby sister.  The one that followed her around like a puppy when we were younger.  We camped together over endless summers.  White water rafted.  The winter my (ex) husband left me she took me to a wonder trip for a few days to help me heal.  She has held our hands, wiped our tears.  She ruled with an iron fist and loved her life and yorkies like there was no tomorrow.
All of that is gone.  We will pack up her house this weekend and move 58 years of memories into a storage facility.
I am sad.  Why God are you taking her one body part at a time?  Why don't You take her?  She is so miserable and has no fight left in her.  Why  Why  Why?

It's not mine to question.  So I pull back, wipe the tears and ask of her children;  how can i help. 

God your power flows even when our hearts are breaking.   I am sober for this and once again our "family" pulls together for the good of her.

I love you D.  Your life has meant so much to all. 

Reflections

I have been deep in reflection lately.  Uh oh.  Yeah I know, last place I should be.  Or should it?  I am speaking at my home group birthday night next week.  EGO, EGO, EGO.  coupled with false pride and what do you get.  ME! 
So I want to entertain not bore.  How do I do that?  I have spoken before.  Several times.  And all of them seemed pretty mundain.  But that is my life.  I don't have drunk stories that sound funny or even come close.  My story is full of anxiety, pain, disappointments.  Until I got sober.  And then it started to even out.  But that has taken sometime. How do I stand up in front of those people that watched me get sober.  and those that didn't and sound like I have any clue as to what is going on? 
Ok, God do your thing.  Cause this girl will go off in all kinds of directions.
So, what do I know for certain?  That i have a different view on life and those around me.  Some I see so clearly that I am walking away from.  Others I can see real clearly the hurt I caused.  I feel the presence of God working in and around me.  When I am hurt I try to see why it goes so deep.  When I am fractured by life I try to see where it went awry.  Listen, I don't have all the answers.  Heck i really don't have any.  So, I ask God daily to direct my thinking and my actions.  Somedays I'm succesful and others not so much. 
I try not to live in fear of the "what ifs or the oh no's".  I'm not perfect.  But I am allowing those around me the distinct pleasure of not being too.  It is a joy to look around (on a good day) and see the world as it really is.  On those days when it seems bleak I retreat inside and ask God to help me get through this.  His strength is unmeasurable. 
When I look back on the past 5 + years I see clearly HIS hand in all over my life.  The cease fighting has given me some relief.  I am not always good at it but I recognize sometimes when I am doing it. 

See I have something to share.  That 12 steps brought me to a new relationship with God and you.  All of you.  And when I am 'on the beam' per sey, I can love and allow His power to flow!

Pieces of the puzzle

As I sat at my dining room table this morning doing the homework on the Study of the Book of James i started to cry.  How could I lived 53 years and been so full of pride and self loathing all at the same time.  Worse yet; try to fill my "God size hole" making YOU feel bad.
Can you relate?  Be a "doer" not just a "reader" of the word.  Now you can relate?  I mean when we know better we do better, right?  All my life I tried to be a "good girl".  Not that I was horrible but I was.  I used anything and everything to make me feel better.  Drugs, alcohol, men, food, the right clothes, house... you name it.
Where that all got me was NOWHERE.  Still the hole was there. 
In the month of May of 2011 I was baptised.  Why?  Because I knew that I should be and I also albeit incorrectly thought that may give me added grace.  Boy oh boy can I make things appear to be a mess.
Somehow I managed to get to a class on the book of James.  It is beginning to open my sore eyes to a new way of thinking, hopefully living. 
As I sat at my table reading I was filled with sadness and hope all at the same time.  It was incredibly moving.  I wanted to absorb all that I read and felt.  For the first time in my life I wasn't afraid.  Wow.  Awesome!

Editing Ego

I was thinking the other day about speaking.  In my circle of course.  I had done it several times but it has been a few years.  So, my ego driven "self" told me that no one thinks I have anything worth hearing.  Last night I am at my home group and was asked to speak on birthday night.  I was excited.  Then I got home and was alone with ME and I got scared.  Fully ego driven I began to fear the "what if's" and the "oh no's". 
This will give me an opportunity to put the program in action.  When in fear as God to remove it and turn our thoughts to another.  So I did.
Here is the problem.  I used to love to be the center of the attention.  Yup believe it or not.  Anyway once I got sober and you told me what the problem was I could see clearly where I had always been.  So now I find it incredibly hard to stand up and talk to you.  or them.  I'm not funny, I do not have amusing stories of what it was like.  I still cringe telling about "me".  Why is that?  Well I'm worried that you will be bored.  You will think less of me.  You will wonder why I'm telling my story.  blah, blah, blah.  Sounds pretty self absorbed, right.  You bet it is.  So another opportunity presents itself. 
So, I really can't remember anything funny about the old life.  Maybe telling it to my siblings we can laugh but not to you.  Oh there were plenty of hysterical (and I don't mean the laughing kind) moments.  There were plenty of tears.  But how do I convey that to you?  I love to hear speakers that keep us laughing.  But I am not one of them.  I'm too intense. 

I am no longer a broken woman.  There is a start.  I can look in the mirror and know that I am one with the rest of the world.  I am not at the bottom of the heap which is where I always seemed to end up.

My story is more about how I was beat down.  How when I looked around in the 1st treatment center how scared I was of all that I had done and what would happen to me now. 

I was without "him".  the guiding force in my life.  holy crap.

I'll tell you I am better.  Fine?  Probably some of the time.  Scared?  Sometimes.  But not shut down by it.  Lonely?  At times.  Bitter?  NO.  Resentful?  No.
How could I stand b4 you and God and not tell of the better part of my life with joy?  Whether there is laughter or not, I pray my peace shines through.

We'll see.

A different Path

I love being sober!  I mean emotionally sober.  But how did I get there and how do I remain?  Well the beginning was extremely hard.  The steps helped to clear out the junk, and level the playing field for me.  when your entire life was consumed by fear and self loathing anything is better than that. 
God keeps revealing more to me.  Somedays I relish that, others I cringe.  But, I want to continue to walk this sober walk.  In all areas of my life.  Sometimes that is difficult.
My family is falling apart.  I mean my sister's family.  Too much drama and anger for me.  I steer clear if possible and try not to add to the mix.
Ever feel like you were leaving all semblance of your old life behind?  I do.  I fear for my family thought.  Fear that their lives will always be a muddy mess. 
So without saying goodbye to AA I am continuing on a spiritual plane.  Church.  Yes, I said it.  That seems to evoke high emotions in our fellow sufferers.  I joke at that.  Really?  Who do YOU think got you here?  Who do you THINK keeps you here?  For me I know the answer. 
As I sat in a woman's bible study last night I began to look around at the woman.  Not to judge, but to observe.  Where are they in this walk?  Do they have their lives together?  Is God center?  do they need HIM like I do?  For me there will be days of lollying in the sunshine.  But there will always be the need and desire (I pray) to Keep God the Center of my world.  All other paths led me to more destruction.

I am in awe of HIS Power!

Resolve to do what?

I am so good at picking out the ONE thing about you that irritates me.  But let you do that to me and I am completely defensive.  I have spent months angry, resentful at a woman that has been sober for 20 years.  I'd love to list her many defects but that would defeat the purpose of my writing.  Instead, IF I want to mature and grow and be free of those things which stand in the way of being useful to God and you I MUST stop.   Stop.  How do I do that?  When she walks in the room and dismisses me as if I were a school girl.  As if I don't matter.  Matter!  That's it.  It conjurs up those feelings of childhood.  It always comes to this.  I want to matter.  I want you to know I am there.  That I have something so important to say that you will be in awe of me.  OMG.  How ego driven is that?  And all along I have been more than happy to remain angry.  And I will until it gets too painful. 
This morning I read all about me in the daily meditations.  I was slapped into the reality that I have not been acting very "sober".
Resolve.  Yes, resolve to do better. 
Who am I kidding?  IF I could change me I would.  God makes that possible.  With my cooperation anything is possible.  Today is a real good example of being shown where my character is headed.  So the 3rd step prayer is invaluable to me IF IF IF I apply it to all areas of my life.

And I want too.  And I will.  And I will see how HE is changing  me.  Little ole' humble me.