End of Summer

Blink and weeks go by.  Is it age that reminds us how quickly time goes by?  Was it youth that gave us those days when tomorrow never entered our minds?   I’ve experienced both and I must admit, age has crept up on me and slapped me into the reality that life is flying by.  Kids are grown.  Grandkids  also growing faster than I care to admit. 

And then there is my life.  Isn’t that what this blog is truly about. ME!  I am eeking along figuring this thing called life, one day at a time.  No morbid reflection here, but looking back I can see parts of my life were just crazy and running wide open.  Then when life settled down, I knew everything was just the way it was supposed to be (in my eyes).  All the dots lined up.  And then they didn’t.  I admitted to someone (outloud) the other day that I had been single almost 9 years.  Just hearing that took me aback.  But, again, this isn’t about whoa is me……….  Poor baby.   It’s about honest self appraisal.  Taking a GOOD look around and by God accepting who I am, where I am.  Hey, now that sounds inspirational!

The therapy lady has me reading an awfully arduous book.  The kind you hate to pick up, let alone read.  The title doesn’t matter but the subject matter is supposed to open my eyes to some ‘things’.  Jeez  more ‘things’… just what I wanted, but probably what I need.

The days are getting shorter quickly.  I have probably blogged about the dreaded ‘fall’ season.   The season that was my favorite.  Now, here I am coming up again on the pumpkins, falling leaves, smells that I adore but leave me sad.  Maybe this will be the year that I allow all that negativity to fall off me and breath in the sights and sounds of a marvelous time of year.  My precious ‘S’ plays in the marching band at school so there will be lots of football games to watch.  How fun!  Lots of bdays in the last 3 months of the year.  And lets not forget ALABAMA football.  Which totally consumes us during these months too.

Lots to be grateful for.  And I am.  I still chuckle and smile and allow that warmth of contentment swallow me when I look around the condo and know that I truly am blessed. 

 

Jj

Post Divorce era

So, I have been  separated since Nov. 2004, divorced since Feb 2005.  That is too long to be stuck!

I have been out on a few dates, but honestly dating at my age (??) is hard.  Especially when you feel so unwanted by “him”.   Anyway  I got on one of those dating sites and found, out of hundreds of locals a couple that caught my eye.  Oh, I have talked to several but usually I find them to be jerks.  So, I took a chance and met “R” one night.  Just coffee and then we went walked around a local outdoor market.  I tell you this; I had a great time.  I enjoyed every conversation we had prior to this meeting.  We talked about going to the movies another night.   He hugged me and off we went in different directions.  Now the kicker is I found out he knows a friend of my sons.  Long story- after asking what “he” thought of “R” I was told to run.  Run away.  He is a womanizer.  Uh! OH!  But, the fact is I was skeptical anyway.  But, he has not called since then.  Now, another fella  called.  Sorta interesting but we were going to go out last week.  With “R1 and R2” still on my mind (R2 is a long story) I just thought oh what the heck.  Ok, speeding it up I had to cancel.  Totally legit, but cancel.  We decided to go bowling and he was going to call me and tell me when.  I haven’t heard from him either. 

I give up.  I am just not up to the whole “dating” scene.  Now, that does not mean that if I knew someone well enough and then they asked me out I wouldn’t go…  But that has only happened a few times. 

Life is good though.  The lows are getting better.  Thank you God for meds.  I can think clearer and that is a good thing.  So, the above information is just that.  And totally unworthy of the time I have given it – to write this blog. 

So, my ad would read like this:  SWF  - Terrific age, fantastic personality, superb conversationalist, attractive, attentive, spontaneous, outgoing, fun loving, and open … just a little.   J

 

Weekends are made for...........................ME!

 

The weekend and what it means..

Oh it has been a long week.  Oh wait, aren’t they all?  I long for the day that I enjoy coming to work.  Don’t laugh!  Someone that I am very close to said he enjoyed everyday of his job.. until the company began to tear the system apart.  But I,,,, just want to want to be here.

So, it is the last month of summer.  That makes me sad in itself.  But wasting just one weekend day is unheard of.  I suppose that is why I pour so much into those 2 precious days.  Doesn’t everyone?

One of my absolute favorite things to do is swim.  Be at the pool.  Grandkids or not.  That is where I want to be.  If not that, then camping next to the river. 

But!  The other things of summer that seem to come to an end are:   cookouts…, yard work…., outdoor concerts….., water parks……, camping…………………  I could go on.

So, I have done a few of these.  However, the summer is closing in and there are some left to do.  Water park!! High on the list.   Camping will wait for cooler weather.  Sleeping in a tent in 75 temps (and that is at 4am) is too much.  So scratch that one.  So, we will see about the water park.  Yum!

So, the weekends also mean (to me) that it is my time.  No boss, no place to hurry to.  No people to please.  No early mornings.  Well forget that……. My mornings are always early.   

Weekends truly are made for ME!

Short and Sweet.........

Short and Sweet and To the Point………

Some days I skip wanting to write, other days I just run out of time.  When I don’t want to write it is usually because of the mundane crap that may have eaten my lunch.  Too much negativity kills the soul.

Therapist has me reading a new book.  “I thought it was me, but it Isn’t”  Making my journey from “what will people think” to “I am enough”.  By Brene Brown.    Yes, more self-awareness.  I guess if I live to be 80 I may always be investing in “me”.   Another really neat thing is a website called, “Ted Talks”.  Check it out.  Awesome. 

I know self-analysis can me arduous at best.  I also know that if I didn’t know, I don’t know.   I also have a friend that warns me, “stop taking your temperature”.  I hear that loud and clear.  Facts remain the same.  I can exist (and do) as a functioning person and still have my insides a fricking mess and smile at you and tell you I’m ok.  Until the scale tips too far in one direction and it seems for the past 2 years I have had some really hard emotional days. 

When I got sober the last time in 2007 those initial years were the best I have had in a while.  I may have struggled still with “him” but I knew that the pieces were falling into place.  After the summer of 2011 the peace that I sooo desire waned.  The more I looked the less I had.  I could not understand what was going on.  I still don’t but therapy and medication seems to help.  My brain still swims around in self misery. 

So, I will read the newest book, I will try to blog as frequent as I can and my life will go on.  I am neither unhappy nor sad.  I just am.  I wonder, is that a great place to be?

Oh Bother!

Positive that positive thinking can create a positive attitude....

It seems that most if not all of my entries seem to be about sadness, depression, work issues, relationships….  I went back through some of them and was disgusted that it never sounded like my life is ok.  Better than it was.   Where is the hope?

Unfortunately it takes doing just that to say, ‘whoa’.   Not sure when or where it came from but I am truly a negative person.   And I hate that about myself.   So, what I am learning is that awareness could and should lead to a change.  Oh boy.  How do I do that?

Let me start with the positive things in my life ‘today’.    You know, a GRATITUDE list.  They really make us/me look at my life differently.

I have a job.

I so love my condo.  It truly is my soft place to fall.

I can pay, and do, my bills.

I have my health, albeit a few squeeks here and there.

My children/ grandchildren  are doing ok.

I am ok without a man in my life.  (huh, who would have thought that?)

I am sober.

I am not in debt.

Most of all I have a relationship with a GOD of my understanding that loves me more than I can possibly  understand.  I have learned to rely on His power, no my own.

Everything else is gravy.

So, for today, let me go on record as having a positive post.   Hey I like that.

Hang on!

If I didn’t read another recovering person’s blog daily, and watched (ok, read) as daily she battled severe depression (after 25+ years sober), I think I would break.  I thought I was this morning.  No words to describe what has been going on for some time.  No need to worry, I say to you, as I am under the secure hands of a therapist and a licensed MD that prescribes rather nicely drugs that are meant to help me/us along.  Ummm mmm.

I cannot truthfully say what I feel.  Because it changes daily, hourly that I cannot say for certain how I feel.  I sat across from the doc this morning.  This was my annual meds check for my depression.  I snapped.  Although crying is just part of my makeup, I was surprised all that came out.  I tried so hard not to get upset.  I wanted her to see that I am trying to keep it together, although, not too well.

She talked to me about what had triggered all of the depression.  What?  How should I know.  It has become such a part of me that the reality of NOT being depressed never crosses my mind.  And here is the craziest part.  I forget that with depression so many other things happen.  I have lost any close friends, I relish being alone in my condo.  I hate my job, my meetings, and now my bible study group.  I am angrier than I have been in a while.  With someone like me, everything I fear, everything that I don’t want YOU to see or know becomes a problem.  Push it down further.  That will take care of it!  NOT!

Ok, I just can’t go into more of this.  File it all under depression.   Only today she scared me a tad.  Major Depressive Disorder.  Do we always have to have a “title” for what is wrong?  So, another med added.  I will either come out the other side unscathed or I will go crazy. 

So, good news for today?  Uh, maybe that I am open to telling someone how I really feel.  Oh, and I will now be seeing my therapist on a regular basis, again.  Damn I am good at smiling, saying I am fine and telling you, ‘no thanks, I don’t need any”.   It always lands me back on my knees. 

So, another 4 week waiting game.  Stay tuned.

I'm holding out for a breakthrough!

 

 

 

Tolerance of Me and You.

If I choose too, I can have a good day.  IF I allow others to make that choice for me, it may not be so great.  IF walking away from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body (AA) I can have a better life, why wouldn’t I.  And btw, I did.  So, on to the present.  I allow work environment to rule my day(s) lately.  Oh, maybe not all in a row but acting as if I like the actors in my play is not a way around the horrible feelings I have towards this place.  Oh wait, him/them. 

I am a social creature by grace, meaning I was born this way.  I am learning (present tense) to absorb who I am and push out what I think you want me to be.  Sounds confusing, huh?  Not really.  Being a people pleaser, I am in a constant state of unrest when around those that challenge my every move/action/thought/word.  I get sick of looking at me to find out why this is.  I want to say screw it, why does that matter?  But, it does.  It forces me to find out what is going on with me.  I can NOT change others.  So, in self reflection, I see a scared (damn it, not again) person.  Someone that still can’t get beyond wanting approval from others.  Oh, I stomp my feet at times and make people around me cringe out of fear of what will come next.  I am harmless in action but deadly in words.  So, I say, watch out, jerk!  There is one in every work place, but in a small office it is magnified.  That includes me.   I so miss (and wish) there was just one person I could talk with during the day (here) that could see both sides.  That could help me step out of my comfortableness and stand up for myself.  Oh I can get there and do, but there is a correct way of handling work place issues and I am not able to do that. 

I charge up one hill and fight for the right to be alive, and get pushed down another out of fear…….. 

I heard a still small voice this morning say as I prayed, “stop asking for your circumstances to be changed with your prayer and start asking for acceptance of them to change.    Here I am in constant battle to be noticed.   Sometimes it is ok, but not lately.

I read through a book last night (not the entire thing but enough to be questioning) called  “The Five Love Languages”.  I almost left it alone, after all I am single and this is written for marriages.  But, I thought, there may be something I can learn.  One of the first things was what do I respond too?  What is MY love language.  See, if you know (I) then maybe I can better co-exist.  What I found is that my language is one of speech. I thrive on the spoken word of, “well done”, “good job”.  Compliments carry me a long way.  Now, don’t ask me to trace that one cause I don’t have to, to understand.   Knowing that helps me to come to terms with those folks that don’t know MY language.  Now, maybe I can stop calling him an idiot, asshole, jerk.  Maybe.