Healthcare!!!

 

It makes me furious to have to choose between what will be a priority with my heath and what will have to wait. 

I am having an issue with my lower back.  I had it checked out a year or so ago and was told it is just age… Well when it acts up it sure feels like age!  Old age! 

Last fall I had one of the worst episodes (lack of a better term) with my back I had ever had.  I went to a ghost walk with a few friends and had to wait for about 30 minutes just standing around, for the walk to begin.  Well, my back began to really hurt and before the night was over I could barely walk.  I was sick over it… it did get better though.

Fast forward.  It’s back!  I’m not happy.  I can run and it doesn’t seem to be an issue.  I can’t lift weights…. I can’t stand for anything longer than a few minutes until it begins to hurt.  And not just hurt.   Hurt like sit down and don’t get back up.

So, I call my family doc.  Just give me a prescription and I will be ok… I’m sure….  Nope they want me to see a sports/med doc.  Which is who I saw once before.  Hmmmm… so if it doesn’t get better I will.  In the meantime my family doc wants me to come in for a yearly wellness visit.  I said yes but the more I thought about it I decided no.  I’m not throwing 50.00 to him just to see how I’m doing…..

If I’m shelling out $$ it will have to be for the squeakiest wheel and right now that it my back.  My family doc will not re-write my blood sugar strips or my pills for swimmy head without coming in.  So where do I spend my limited funds?

I will ponder this….

 

This weekend my precious granddaughter and I will volunteer at our local arts festival.  2 hours of standing (yeah exactly) and helping with kids.  It would have been/should have been fun but I’m dreading this.  But, perhaps this is what will truly show me whether or not this will resolve itself…

 

So, I’m a whining today.  Whaaaa!

 

I should stop and say I’m grateful to even have healthcare.    And I am.  Truly….

As Kids...

 

 

As kids we ran around a great neighborhood with 4 friends plus about 4 more that made a group that to this day still makes me laugh and smile in remembrance.  3 of the girls I am still in contact with even if it is not every day. 

We have all had tragedies.  Deaths, divorce….. loss……..

3 of my friends have lost a child, I lost my step son but somehow…. That just doesn’t seem the same.  Matter of fact, it isn’t.  loss is loss…. And forgive me for this but a mother’s loss, I believe, cannot come close to anything else.  Our children… ours…. We should not have to bury them.  Well I found out late yesterday that one of these precious woman who lost her young daughter to a car accident several years ago will now bury her second.   A few days ago her oldest and only daughter slumped over dead.  She is on a breathing machine as they harvest her organs.  That to me would be an awful thing to live through as well….. 

It seems, to me, there isn’t any good news coming around these days which just breaks my heart.  One of these woman I call my friend still has not only buried her youngest years ago but her middle child is sitting in a jail and although it is a a shoplifting charge… it masked a larger problem.  Drug abuse… it will kill her if she does not see… the… truth…..

 

So my heart breaks.  I say prayers for these families.  I catch my own breath thinking ‘what if’.. God.. where are you?  This precious daughter that is donating her organs, lying in state has 3 children; young children and no husband.   My childhood friend will be raising these kids…… God where are you?

 

I reflect on how wound up in fear I have become and over what?  Finances?  Relationships?  And then I hear this……..  Perspective….

 

I cry for my own family and what we go through and forget to acknowledge the good; and there is some.  I grieve for family choices and ask not to be consumed by their choices; stepping back to keep from being consumed as well.

 

Then I think of ‘T’.  His sweet smile, awesome laugh.  And I am filled with warmth and joy and while that doesn’t erase the fear, sadness of life, it brings me to a sweet place for a moment and remember that the circle of life sucks……so love as you can, where you can…. We truly do not get a second chance..

Adapt....ing

Change to adapt or adapt to change?

This thought crossed my mind today.  As we change, be it aging, weight loss, maybe some physical changes; how do we adapt?  Or do we?  Do we put up a fight or just relax and go with the flow?  Hmmmm.  So, this specifically is about the physical part of aging.  Let’s say I’m no longer as quick as I was or as bright… this is where I am right now.  My energy level has plummeted over the past couple of months.  I have fought so hard to sustain the level of activity that I have always had.  It was just dragging me down.  I finally said, STOP!  Address the unnatural (loss in activity level) with the natural (allowing myself some days off).  My desire to attend church and church functions is gone.  Finally over the weekend I just said enough!  I’m not 2.  Beating myself up about not wanting to go is useless waste of time…. I feel such relief.. It isn’t just that it is anything that keeps me bound by what my own measuring stick is…… you must!  You should!  Why aren’t you?  You better!  You’re going backwards! 

So, the point to this is how I am carefully addressing my changing needs and trying not to make this all negative…. Which, for me, is really hard.

So, physically maybe things are changing and I will adapt.  Emotionally things have changed and I have adapted.  Spiritually things continue to change and adapting to the positive side is essential. 

All I ask is peace and serenity through it all.

 

 

Watch out!

Watch out!

 

Last Thursday we had to send my sister to the hsp via ambulance again.  Same story, different days.  Ended up doing surgery to remove about a foot of her colon.  She is still recovering in the hsp.  God bless her!

**do not take your own health for granted!   I know I can/do.

I am leaving out all the happenings with that, not that it isn’t important.  It’s just too much going on.

On my way home from the hsp last Fri I get rear-ended.  Stop and go traffic but it still knocked me forward, sent stuff flying all over the car and banged up the rear end. 

**never take your journey as typical..  I know.. we all do..

On Saturday I am eating breakfast after delivering a stove to my daughter… when my phone is going nuts.  Hurry they are doing surgery on “r” at 10:30… hurry…. So, we finish eating and as we are headed back to town we are involved in a 3 car accident.  Yes, really.

**things can spin out of control right in front of you!   And they did.

Fortunately Ron was ok although he did go to the hsp via ambulance so I let my family know I’m going to the other hsp to be with him…

**can’t make this stuff up

My car has some minor damage…. His truck is totaled.

See!  This is why I am only putting in the highlights.  All since last Thursday.  Today is Tuesday.  It still seems like a blur.

Robin is still in the hospital… Maybe in a few days she will come home…

That is the most important part.  People.  Lives…. Humans……let’s not forget that!

 

 

Toxic!

Toxic:  acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous:

Several things come to mind.  Toxic substance, bringing harm to someone.  Toxic people, meaning to harm others.  Let’s talk about the latter.

Something’s we cannot change; like people.  Mean people, obnoxious people, and TOXIC people:

I am coming to terms with this; learning it’s not about me.  Sometimes as people lack their own security they seem to gain it through breaking others down.  Know someone like this all too well.

I have spent almost 7 years coming to terms with this person.  Many arguments, many tears, hurt, anger.  How to deal with this?  By believing what I copied.  Not jumping in to their misery (ok, I fail miserably at times).  Trying to understand them is pointless as their character changes as needed.  This person will NEVER admit any wrong doings… uh and WRONG whatsoever.  Just doesn’t have the ability.  How sad is that?  Maybe I should say he doesn’t want to act differently.  I guess if we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we always have.

If we know better, we do better.  Now let me say this; I have many faults, I am not setting myself on a higher shelf.  But trying to be on the same level as a TOXIC person never works unless we begin by believing it is not us that is the problem.

So, since we cannot change anyone else how to live with a toxic person is the key.  When I learn I will pass along.  In the meantime not engaging would be a great start.

 

when God?

How long?

When I got sober I remember asking, how long till I feel better?

When I got a divorce I asked when will the pain end?

When S and I broke up I again asked  when?

As I accept the singleness of my life I ask, why?

In the question there is fear, anger, sorrow, rage…..aloneness, abandonment….

So, when God, when?

Getting sober was hard.  I believe that I was getting a triple whammy.  Busted, treatment, move, divorce.  So I was only able to give attention to one thing at a time and believe me, which was hard.

So, how long on sobriety?  I don’t know but along the way I realized I didn’t think about drinking anymore.  It just was/is.

On the divorce…. Again I do not know when the pain left.  I suspect it was after I met S but honestly… I don’t know.  What is plain to see (to me) is I was already letting go of all that was wrapped up in my marriage.. But meeting S it ripped the bandaid off and I was glad.

Learning to let go of S has been awful.  And hard… and sad…. I can still cry and I have tried to put it in perspective but even that is challenging.  Do I miss him or having someone beside me?  Probably the latter.

My prayer today is gentle.  When God when.  I know that I can move the players around and hope someone will come into my life; or stay put and know that someone will.   Easier said than done.  Damn it!

So, taking the focus off of the reality and looking at all of this as growth… I thank God that I’m not crying over RJ, in fact that relationship has been restore… not to its former self but something greater.  Go figure.

It hit me just now that sobriety is always good.  It’s sober!  The only thing that changes is how I think and ‘feel’ about it.  I have a perception problem so that is a challenge in itself!

So, as the months since S move on, so do I.

Listen Closely

Listen to what you are saying to yourself.  Are you kind?  Gentle?  Loving?  Negative, judgmental?  Self-talk can be so damaging when it is all negative.  So listen….

When someone hurts me and I am unsure of why, or when there is conflict with another human being using kinder thoughts to work through the issue is huge.  Ok, I was hurt by someone, felt betrayed but had little facts to go by.  My first thought was, damn them.  However, with the limited information I had, I was going by my negative emotion resulting in a less than desirable thought process.  Putting on the brakes and redirecting to something kinder truly takes some of the strength out of the punch.

If it is a learned behavior (and they all are) then it can be unlearned or relearned in a different fashion.  Truly difficult but totally do-able.  The affect will also reduce the angst until all the information is received.  In the meantime, time wasn’t wasted on fear, anger, worry ……

That in itself brings a smile to my face.

Something else to add to that ‘bag of tricks’ was told to me over and over and over last summer… although I was unable in the midst of that crap to fully utilize this concept.

When I was full of self-doubt, act as if I was a woman full of confidence… no one on the outside knows anyway.  Totally self-soothing.  Fill in the ‘blank’ with anything that troubles us/you.

If you have lived as long as I and used negative energy all the time…. Begin with this kinder self-talk.   Borrowing from a great movie, ‘you is smart, you is kind, you is important’.  Any age, anytime… try this on for size…

If life doesn’t already throw a mess of stuff our way the last thing we need or should want is the critic inside us to come out screaming, ‘you dumb ass’.  Right?