when God?

How long?

When I got sober I remember asking, how long till I feel better?

When I got a divorce I asked when will the pain end?

When S and I broke up I again asked  when?

As I accept the singleness of my life I ask, why?

In the question there is fear, anger, sorrow, rage…..aloneness, abandonment….

So, when God, when?

Getting sober was hard.  I believe that I was getting a triple whammy.  Busted, treatment, move, divorce.  So I was only able to give attention to one thing at a time and believe me, which was hard.

So, how long on sobriety?  I don’t know but along the way I realized I didn’t think about drinking anymore.  It just was/is.

On the divorce…. Again I do not know when the pain left.  I suspect it was after I met S but honestly… I don’t know.  What is plain to see (to me) is I was already letting go of all that was wrapped up in my marriage.. But meeting S it ripped the bandaid off and I was glad.

Learning to let go of S has been awful.  And hard… and sad…. I can still cry and I have tried to put it in perspective but even that is challenging.  Do I miss him or having someone beside me?  Probably the latter.

My prayer today is gentle.  When God when.  I know that I can move the players around and hope someone will come into my life; or stay put and know that someone will.   Easier said than done.  Damn it!

So, taking the focus off of the reality and looking at all of this as growth… I thank God that I’m not crying over RJ, in fact that relationship has been restore… not to its former self but something greater.  Go figure.

It hit me just now that sobriety is always good.  It’s sober!  The only thing that changes is how I think and ‘feel’ about it.  I have a perception problem so that is a challenge in itself!

So, as the months since S move on, so do I.