Calendars.........................

Calendars?   But Why?

It is the best time of the year.  Hey, make that the most wonderful time of the year and all of a sudden I hear Johnny Mathis singing…

I am thrilled, albeit overwhelmed to know that I have to keep a calendar (especially at this time of year) to make sure I am where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be.  Well something just got added and when I pulled up the entire month of December it was full!  Awesome….

I am planning on making a huge dent in shopping this weekend.  I may be broke on Monday but having that out of the way just gives me more time to enjoy the rest of the season.  Amen, amen.

Saw an awesome play at church last night.  The Forgotten Carols.  Really done well.  Broadway players… With the exception of how cold it was in the auditorium.  I wanted to curl up in my chair… brrrr.

So, checking MY list; invites to family members for our gathering.. check..  Shopping begun.. check..  Thought put into all gifts.. check.  Menu for gathering.. check check.  Xmas cards mailed.. check, check, check.  All the decorations done… Yes, Yes….Relax your half way there.  Where?  Done.  Done?   There ya go again, making this about a chore, a race, than an eventful season to be enjoyed.  Whew!  Glad you caught that one.

Tomorrow morning several vans will load up 400 boxes of food and deliver them to a bunch of needy folks.  That just makes my day!  Not just to be of service, but to know that someone is getting what they need.  They always appreciate our deliveries.  Yesterday it was 70+ degrees out.  Today it is rainy and a chilly 40.  Tomorrow a.m. it is supposed to be in the 30’s.  Delivery will keep us warm.

After that, and the shopping excursion, I plan on staying in.  Playing carols, maybe cooking.  Reading the latest book I checked out of the library…. Or doing nothing.  My time, my time.

Sad news; a guy that went to school with me died on Sunday.  Now, we hear more and more of classmates dying.  We are in our mid fifties, which isn’t old but hey, we are mortal.  His passing has hit me hard.  Just a good soul.  He killed himself out of fear of being a burden to his family.  Seems he had known for sometime that his health was failing.  I can not imagine what his family is going through.  Death is so permanent.  How we leave can leave an imprint that is worse than death.  In this case…. That probably will never leave his family.  BUT!  No judgment just concern.

 

To end of a happy note:  All about me and my feelings:  Today all is good.  All the puzzle pieces are where they are supposed to be.  I am at peace……… with myself….. which is the hardest things to come by…. For me. 

 

12/6/13

And so the mad rush begins..

And so the mad rush begins.  The over spending (or frustration of not being able to spend), the hustle and bustle of gatherings, mailings, wrappings……..And why?

I had a thought this morning on my quiet ride to work.  If I/we give with love then our expectation should be just that.  Love.  If the giving (or not) is out of a ‘have to’ then what good is that?  With 4 grandchildren, my spending is directed at their lists.  Children next and so on.  Gifts gets smaller but what difference does that make?  I am of the mindset that if I can and it is a request within reason, then I shall turn over every rock to find that gift.

Online shopping has been so convenient.  But I feel like I am missing out on that ‘crowd’ issue so many rant about.  If I go ‘out’ with a mindset of, yes there will be lines, yes there will be screaming kids… I could go on but the point being it’s our frame of mind that causes the discomfort inside.  This weekend I hope to complete 90% and give it a big Hurrah!

On a different note someone close to me is so near the edge that I fear for them.  Whenever I see them I can see the decline and want so badly to say ‘look at what is going on’ but I keep my mouth shut.  That scares me too.  The what if’s are bad enough but turning a blind eye is probably not the solution.  I have been molded by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of others business.  And I do for the most part.  But this is truly upsetting.  They don’t think they need help nor do they want to stop the behavior.  The losses will begin to pile up; let’s hope it isn’t too late.

Another body part goes down.  In the summer I began to have neck pain.  You know you wake up in the morning and have a stiff neck but go about your business anyway.  I was on the treadmill several different times and just felt that ache on the left side.  But again, I would just brush it off.  Until a few weeks ago.  Bam!  Not an injury but a pain shot down my neck into my back.  I nursed it and nursed it.  Held back at the gym if I went at all.  Everything seemed to bother it.  I bought a heat pack and applied it whenever I could.  Some nights I would get up several times and heat it back up and try to go back to sleep with the neat penetrating the painful area.  I say area because I can’t put my finger on the pain.  But I know where it is coming from.   I figured it was radiating from another area.  Anyway.  I was goofing off with the grandkids this past weekend playing Wii bowling.  Uh huh I turned after getting a strike and bam!  The pain took me down.  I was out for the count. 

I finally called the doctor on Monday after not being able to move my neck pain free all weekend.   After x-ray and some hands on, he determined it to be advanced arthritis.  Well that doesn’t surprise me.  So, prednisone for a few days and PT.   Return appt in January. 

So, I spill it all again as if I have a cyber-friend that listens intently.  But, it is my way of weeding through the noise in my head.

It is a warm muggy day in the south with cold air moving in.  Hopefully that won’t produce any tornados.  Fingers crossed.

 

Enjoy today, it truly is all we have…………

 

 

12/05/13

A little yuck and lots of thanksgiving

First off, I do not like nor ‘do’ change well.  Below is a perfect example:

While grateful  to have a new laptop, I am less than enamored with windows 8…. Hard as heck to maneuver, made for touch screens and tried to get it to be friendly with all other computer devices. 

I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones.  I have been slowly trying to adapt since September.  One day it seems ok, the next there is nothing friendly about it.  Without bashing this any further (since I am sure you have the point) I found a ‘fix’ in installing windows 8.1    So, I did.  

Listen, my mouse pad quit taking commands.  I could not close any programs.  It was awful  and making matters worse is my a) lack of knowledge and b) desire to find out how to work around this. 

This morning, out of frustration, I reset my computer back to factory settings.  The only thing left in tact was my photos or any other files I had stored.

So, I did not throw out my laptop like I threatened to do last night.  Not sure if all will be well tonight, but there is always hope.

Hope………….  This thanksgiving I believe all that sit at the table with my children will feel.  And prayerfully say that “T” will be here next year.  His chemo is going ok (if that is possible).  He is on his 3^rd round, skipping every other week.  So, this being a chemo week, I hope  he will feel like eating with us. My granddaughter has a tradition with her pawpaw that she spends the night b4 Thanksgiving with him.  Helping prepare dressing and other goodies.  The other day she quietly mentioned that it won’t be the same anymore.  I could feel her sadness.  I had to look away to keep from crying.  She seems like an old soul at times, at only 13.

So, swallowing hard and praying to God that we ‘get’ another chance to gather around the table blessed with all the goodies made with love;  our family will survive and my grandchildren will always know how loved they are.

 

 

Hustle and Bustle....... Happy Holidays!

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christimas…………………………………. Doesn’t it all run together?

What to wear, what to cook, what to buy?  Too many options, even for a simple gal like me…

Going through boxes of decorations last weekend I became excited at the thought of outside decorations…. More space for a true ‘decorated’ holiday feel.  Do I share (again) that I haven’t really decorated for many years.  Well until a few years ago, and that was just putting up a tree.  But, it’s on now… And I am ready! 

When I say ‘ready’ I suppose that encompasses several areas.  I mean financially, Xmas is stressful.  Emotionally,  better than the last 9 years.  All my ducks being in a row includes my children/grandchildren being ok, which it appears they are!  I believe (not being a scrooge though) it is a good time to teach the kids that to give to help others is what we are here to do.   At church they do a shoebox for children ministry.  Meaning you choose the age and sex of a child and buy accordingly.  But, everything is supposed to fit in a shoebox.  One that you wrap up.  These get sent to 3^rd world countries for children that don’t have anything.  Nothing.  So, this weekend my granddaughter and I will set out to fill a box.  I’d like to do one with each g-kid but time got away from me.   So, one will have to do.

As the ‘host’ of the family xmas gathering, I chose to have a Santa Hat theme.  I thought it would be fun to decorate our hats with our own personality, indicative of our personality, our likes.  How fun is that!

Miss Sydney and I will tackle her’s this weekend too.  Hopefully the other 3 will have time to get theirs done too. 

Saw ‘r’ last night.  Yes, another battle.  Not physically nor emotionally.  Spiritually.  This is not what I am supposed to be doing.  Nor is it something I want to do.  He is my drug.  I let go for a day, a week and then go back.  I pray without ending for help.  I am so powerless to stop.  He isn’t mean to me, he is kind, generous and frankly if I wasn’t so convicted to do what is right. I would just keep going. 

‘M’ is getting married.  Sometime next year.  She is a great person and he is certainly choosing well.  They seem perfect for each other.  I am beyond words for this and all that has changed in him/for him in the last 18 months.  If there isn’t a God then someone is certainly watching out for him.  Wow!  What a transformation.

So, Thanksgiving is next week.  Black Friday has been moved up even more.  Stores opening at 6:pm on Thanksgiving day.  Where is the family time going too?  I mean we eat, we visit, perhaps nap but shop?  Not in the past.  I think of the employees of those stores that open.  How awful for them.  Society dictates when we open, close etc.  24 hours a day seems to be the norm these days.  BUT leave our holidays alone…….

So, no deep ponderings today.  Quiet-ness of the afternoon and I sure am enjoying that. 

Here is the deal……………………………………

 

Jj

That Inner 'tug'

That inner ‘tug’ if you will.  That inner ‘voice’ some call it.  That inner ‘leading’.  God conscious… is what I call it.   How do we/did I get there?   Pain baby, pain!  Crazy to say that but how else would I throw caution to the wind and let it fly!

In the beginning (early sobriety) I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going.  I was being led by someone that had gone before me, someone that understood the fear I was experiencing.  And believe me, there was plenty to go around.  It is written (dear lord that sounds like a line from Fiddler on the Roof HA!) in our big book (AA) it tells us exactly what to do with fear.  What to do with any of our ‘mess’ and that which comes afterwards.  The woman that guided me, exposed my world to the necessary steps to find peace in a world full of anything but!  As skeptical as this gal was, I was even more so filled with anger and resentment galore.  With no where to put them, they stayed inside and came out in the oddest of ways.  And boy was it not pretty. 

But, I began with that ‘still small voice’ leading me/you/us in a direction that lacks our attention but certainly needs our cooperation.  It is also written that if we are still blocked from that ‘voice’ by our own issues that keep us from that voice, we should share that, give it to that ‘power’ and continue moving.  I did that.  Piece by piece of my world, complete with the things I thought I could never live with or without.

Life gets better and bigger.  But I must keep that channel open.  What blocks it- is the stuff that makes me drink or worse.  Without proper ‘tools’ if you will.. I am at the mercy of my own screwed up thinking and actions.  How insane is that?  Yup, that is what I thought too!

Lighthearted as this sounds, it certainly was not during that time.  Nor is it today when I feel beat up by ‘life’.  But, over and over I am reminded that I signed up for sober living; and what I got is sober thinking.  Most of the time.

If, in doubt, I pause (yup, from that book) allowing that millisecond of time get between me and my mouth or my angst; I have found I am less likely to have more of an emotional mess, some of which I have to clean up. 

So, in the stillness of the night, or the quietness of the morning  OR the craziness of my day, if I stop (pause) and ask……. I find being led by the spirit of the universe brings me the peace I always desired. 

Here a blog, there a blog....

When i was getting sober/clean I was shown some sober blogs online.  I fell in love with several and totally enjoyed reading their intimate details of their daily lives.  It gave me hope for mine.  They walked parallel lives with me and i felt connected.
One of my favorite bloggers has decided after 15 years she is calling it quits.  It saddened me but hey, we all stop sooner or later.  I learned so much from her.
I do realize that mine blog began as a sober musings.  Daily doings.  Family Focus.  Darn near anything i wanted to write about , i did.  But then it did become old. Old as in who is going to read my 'stuff'.  I wanted my blog to be about 'breathing through a sober life' and it has taken some heavy curves. 
So, i'm not going anywhere (at least for now) but hopefully i will steer myself back to what excites me.  SOBER living, thinking, breathing. 

I think sometimes the more you talk about something the bigger it gets and sometimes bigger can be good. 

I read a cooking blog that is so entertaining.  But, for me, mine is just a gal trudging the road, one day as a time.

Joy is truly something that exudes from folks that love who they are, where they are and what they do.

Joy.   I love it!

Happy Halloween

It's the great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  All Hallowee's Eve.  Mischief's night.  and of course  Halloween. 
Today, in the south it is rainy and pretty blustery (awe that makes me think of winnie the poo).
Our yellow, brown and orange leaves are being blown around as if they had no better place to be.
Forecast is not looking good for any young ghouls out later today.  What a shame since I have 4 grandkids that may want to wander around collecting goodies.
This brings me to a place in time where fall was my favorite time of the year and Halloween was the icing on the cake.  I absolutely loved the changing of the leaves, which, up north was spectacular-even as a kid.  The cooler temps and the beginning of the holiday season.
A couple of great memories surrounding the Halloween spirits.
My aunt and uncle lived beside a graveyard  (oooh  spooky).  so one halloween we went to their house in full costume.  So, my uncle had a tractor hooked up to a cart full of hay.  So, we were loaded up onto this cart and off we went.  Now, we ended up driving through the cemetary.  Of course it was dark and I was about 8 at the time, maybe 9 but certainly gullable.  Especially when he said oh, oh.  we are out of gas and don't you know it was smack dab in the middle of the cemetary and pitch dark.  So, he pretends to walk back to the house to get gas.  I am freaked out since i had a terrible fear of the dark anyway.  What we/i didn't realize is he had snuck back around and hid behind some trees until we got good and scared and boo!  He jumps out and bellows with laughter.  That is a great memory for me even 50 or so years later. 
Another thing that seemed to be a big deal was mischief night.  I was too young to participate in the "mischief" but remember my mom opening our front door to find our trees were covered in toiletpaper.  That was the first time i had ever heard of such a thing.  Again, another memory....

So, as time passed and the times have gotten scarier, our children's children will no longer fully get the fun of the night.  Skip this house, don't eat unwrapped candy....... isn't that sad.

One more thing before I wish you all a Happy One; when my children were small we took them to the neighbors for a few treats.  One of the neighbors we had known for years had opened her door to the kids yelling 'trick or treat'.  while we (the parents) were busy watching the treat giver, I looked at the picture window in the livingroom.  Huh!  There was a costume just like one of my kids.... no wait!  That is my child..............  He had wandered past the arm of the candy giving lady and politely looked out the window at US!

Happy Halloween everyone.

And for a "treat"  here is the gang after we fought the zombie's and won!