That Inner 'tug'

That inner ‘tug’ if you will.  That inner ‘voice’ some call it.  That inner ‘leading’.  God conscious… is what I call it.   How do we/did I get there?   Pain baby, pain!  Crazy to say that but how else would I throw caution to the wind and let it fly!

In the beginning (early sobriety) I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going.  I was being led by someone that had gone before me, someone that understood the fear I was experiencing.  And believe me, there was plenty to go around.  It is written (dear lord that sounds like a line from Fiddler on the Roof HA!) in our big book (AA) it tells us exactly what to do with fear.  What to do with any of our ‘mess’ and that which comes afterwards.  The woman that guided me, exposed my world to the necessary steps to find peace in a world full of anything but!  As skeptical as this gal was, I was even more so filled with anger and resentment galore.  With no where to put them, they stayed inside and came out in the oddest of ways.  And boy was it not pretty. 

But, I began with that ‘still small voice’ leading me/you/us in a direction that lacks our attention but certainly needs our cooperation.  It is also written that if we are still blocked from that ‘voice’ by our own issues that keep us from that voice, we should share that, give it to that ‘power’ and continue moving.  I did that.  Piece by piece of my world, complete with the things I thought I could never live with or without.

Life gets better and bigger.  But I must keep that channel open.  What blocks it- is the stuff that makes me drink or worse.  Without proper ‘tools’ if you will.. I am at the mercy of my own screwed up thinking and actions.  How insane is that?  Yup, that is what I thought too!

Lighthearted as this sounds, it certainly was not during that time.  Nor is it today when I feel beat up by ‘life’.  But, over and over I am reminded that I signed up for sober living; and what I got is sober thinking.  Most of the time.

If, in doubt, I pause (yup, from that book) allowing that millisecond of time get between me and my mouth or my angst; I have found I am less likely to have more of an emotional mess, some of which I have to clean up. 

So, in the stillness of the night, or the quietness of the morning  OR the craziness of my day, if I stop (pause) and ask……. I find being led by the spirit of the universe brings me the peace I always desired.