Happy Halloween

It's the great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  All Hallowee's Eve.  Mischief's night.  and of course  Halloween. 
Today, in the south it is rainy and pretty blustery (awe that makes me think of winnie the poo).
Our yellow, brown and orange leaves are being blown around as if they had no better place to be.
Forecast is not looking good for any young ghouls out later today.  What a shame since I have 4 grandkids that may want to wander around collecting goodies.
This brings me to a place in time where fall was my favorite time of the year and Halloween was the icing on the cake.  I absolutely loved the changing of the leaves, which, up north was spectacular-even as a kid.  The cooler temps and the beginning of the holiday season.
A couple of great memories surrounding the Halloween spirits.
My aunt and uncle lived beside a graveyard  (oooh  spooky).  so one halloween we went to their house in full costume.  So, my uncle had a tractor hooked up to a cart full of hay.  So, we were loaded up onto this cart and off we went.  Now, we ended up driving through the cemetary.  Of course it was dark and I was about 8 at the time, maybe 9 but certainly gullable.  Especially when he said oh, oh.  we are out of gas and don't you know it was smack dab in the middle of the cemetary and pitch dark.  So, he pretends to walk back to the house to get gas.  I am freaked out since i had a terrible fear of the dark anyway.  What we/i didn't realize is he had snuck back around and hid behind some trees until we got good and scared and boo!  He jumps out and bellows with laughter.  That is a great memory for me even 50 or so years later. 
Another thing that seemed to be a big deal was mischief night.  I was too young to participate in the "mischief" but remember my mom opening our front door to find our trees were covered in toiletpaper.  That was the first time i had ever heard of such a thing.  Again, another memory....

So, as time passed and the times have gotten scarier, our children's children will no longer fully get the fun of the night.  Skip this house, don't eat unwrapped candy....... isn't that sad.

One more thing before I wish you all a Happy One; when my children were small we took them to the neighbors for a few treats.  One of the neighbors we had known for years had opened her door to the kids yelling 'trick or treat'.  while we (the parents) were busy watching the treat giver, I looked at the picture window in the livingroom.  Huh!  There was a costume just like one of my kids.... no wait!  That is my child..............  He had wandered past the arm of the candy giving lady and politely looked out the window at US!

Happy Halloween everyone.

And for a "treat"  here is the gang after we fought the zombie's and won!

Life...... never ending.

Life just keeps showing up.  It is how we chose to ride it out that defines our days, weeks……

People get sick.  People die.  Facts.  Not that we have to like it, and unless you are heartless- you understand those circumstances hurt.  My precious children are in the middle of that season in their lives.  Their father has been diagnosed with cancer.  They did surgery yesterday to remove a section of his colon that included a tumor.  He will be in the hospital for about a week.  The continuation of his health is the cancer has already spread.  Lungs, liver, abdomen.  So sad.  My daughter said to me last night, ‘mom I’m not ready for this to be happening’.  We never are sweetie, never!   She springs to action so quickly all the while her poor emotions are building up until POW!  Secondly, my son, who has long had a pretty hard relationship with his dad, just sits stoically listening but saying nothing.  Denial, maybe.  Worst of all are the grandkids.  They adore their pawpaw.  Since they have come along his home has been a streaming of spend the nights, weekends, weeks.  Whatever he could do.  Amusement parks, movies, anything they wanted.  He is the sole provider of the big entertainment that goes on with them.

They will be devastated.  Not to mention they are so young.  I don’t want their lives to be marred by the sadness of this situation.    But, this is out of my control.  I will be here to pick up the pieces of scattered hearts.

So, let me bore you one more time.  Major meltdown over work, again.  The woman that steers me back to sanity pointed out a very important detail.  My boss is my boss.  NOT my friend.  Even if asked do not give any information out.  They don’t care.  Nor should I expect them too.  Now this isn’t all bosses.  I have had one of the/ scratched that; THE best I could ever hope for.  So, I have seen both ends of this spectrum.  So, my truths may not always come through clear enough for me to see… at that moment.   But when shown, I swallow hard and accept the facts.  I won’t bash the facts either, but rather move towards some kind of acceptance to be able to live resentment free…………… or close to it.

So, another breathing lesson for me.  And thank God I can see it and acknowledge it…………. 

So, right at this moment………….. this very moment………………. All my needs are being met……….  I must remember that……………

The past is taking over the present

The past is taking over the present.

This is hard.  Truly hard.  I have written about “m” who finally got to confront the evil one from his childhood (who happened to be a short lived marriage for me) about a week ago.  Since then it has become increasingly difficult for me.  That may sound really selfish but it is my story and that is my truth.  I have been barraged by the father of “m” and how I put him in harms way.  That I  did not do what I should to have protected “m”.  That I KNEW what was going on……………………………..

Yesterday “m” called and said this has been transferred to our area for the investigators to review.  That I may be in trouble for covering up these allegations.  Are you kidding me?  WTH!  Out of one breath he stated to his dad, ‘if this means mom is in trouble then I won’t pursue this’.  Me?  So I talked to “m” and asked was he worried?  His response was “I don’t care who goes to jail for this!”  I was heartbroken to say the least.  I am not worried in the least about my part but just the merry-go-round of emotions for him,the rest of the family and I is a little overwhelming.

I made really poor choices my entire life.  This marriage was short lived but one that I truly regret.  For so many reasons.  However, with all of this coming out I am slapped with how truly damaging that 2 year period in our lives was and is.

I want to talk to ‘m” and just try to get him to see that it took me some time to walk away but never in a million years did I think he was being harmed in the capacity it was.  NEVER!

Now, I am coming to terms with this on my own terms.  I see the truth but know that everyone remembers things differently.  “m” sees from the eyes of a 4 year old.  How terribly sad is that?

Not to sound all pitiful because the true miracle here is that “m” was able to face that giant.  From here the recovery ball is in his court.  He has stated he does not need counseling.  He is 32 and makes his own choices.

On a lighter note we are celebrating 3 birthdays this weekend.  My oldest granddaughter will be 14, the twins will be 11.  Where has time gone? 

I am so grateful to be ‘present’ for such occasions today.  That is truly a gift from God.

I am in awe of my son

I am in awe of my son.  The one that was homeless and running wild a few years back.  The one that tried to end his pain in a dark hotel room in the spring of 2012.  I have referred to him as my ‘man child’ but now I do believe that will stop.  He is not a child.  And probably more of a man than some ‘men’ I know.

Here is the story:  28 years ago  I was married to an abusive idiot.  2 years and I had to get away.  But not before serious damage had happened to my children, especially “M”.  Lets fast forward because that hurt that I allowed (willingly or not) has been brought up again, and in a huge way.

I want to say that I believe in a God so powerful that He gives us the rope to hang ourselves or grace to stay alive.  But it is our choice which one we choose.  Thank God “M” had enough and asked for that grace to keep him alive and more than that, to get his life together.

So, yesterday I get a text from my son informing me that the abusive x is in line in front of him at a local eatery.  His text said, I’m going after him.  What transpired from there went something like this;

M approached this evil person and asked if he was XXX.  Of course the ass said yes.  M proceeds to tell him who HE is and that he remembers what he did to him.  Evil person denies even know my son but he didn’t let that stop him.  He asked if he is still molesting little boys.  He got in his face and said I remember everything.  The evil one was shaking and nervously twitching.  The final words were by M, ‘my pain will heal, my anger may subside but how do YOU live with You!”  

There was more to the story but this is the most important part.  Finally that small child that never hurt anyone was able to stand before the monster that I had allowed in our lives so long ago and say,  I’m grown now lets take this outside. 

I am so very proud of M.  I am in awe of the God that I spoke of.  The One that gives us the power to move through scary situations.  Heals our pain.  Fills the void that so many of us can’t do ourselves.

Now, as proud and happy I am of all that M has walked through I want to throw in my part.  I guess I held it together yesterday because the most important person here was M, not me.  But this morning it hit me so hard.  All the memories flowed back in.  Beat me up.  Threw the blame at me and I was physically sick.  I started crying and became hysterical.  How could I have allowed this to happen.  How awful I am for not holding that little boy so close that no one could hurt him, or allowing years to go by and only see the defiance in M, not the fear.  How could I?  I could not hold it together any longer.

So, my heart is happy that M got to stand up to the monster.  But it is also so down for why he had to do it in the first place.

But!  This post is not just about  yesterday, or long ago.  It is about the God that got M through that and hopefully will allow me to come to terms with my part of this.  Today my prayer is that we all heal.  And most of all that God took something so awful and when HE was ready he put that man in the path of my man and it was powerful. 

Thank you God!

 

 

New Books, New Month, New Attitude………………

New Books, New Month, New Attitude………………

Ok, it’s September!  That in itself is such a great month, isn’t it?  The air begins to shift to a tad cooler at night.  Football season begins (and in Alabama that means a huge rivalry).   And we say goodbye to summer, which normally would be great due to heat and humidity, but our heat krept in last week.  How crazy is that?  Hopefully it won’t stay.

Several books came recommended by my therapist, (I know, I know.  Stop taking my temp!)  no boring details here, but I started the first (both being workbooks) this morning.  The will both require total honesty AND giving them time!  Meaning don’t sit down and just write a bunch of nothing!

I reminded her I am a task master and given a set of guidelines I can follow them to a ‘T’.  And I expect too.  But!  I will give this new group (therapy!  Good Grief) a 4 week chance.  See how skeptical I can be.  I’m dried up on all this “self help, their help” stuff.  But!  I will follow through,,,, for now.

So, my last entry is “new attitude”.  Do I have one?  Yes.  Does it have to do with ………………….  Never mind.  What difference does it make.  For today (remember, that is all we have, right?) my ducks are aligned.. tee hee. 

 Family will always be family.  We had our end of summer cookout/swimming.  Not everyone could show up but those that did increased my joy, that is for sure.  Only 2 of my precious gkids went.  We have 1 nursing a torn ACL and the other did not want her to feel left out so she stayed home too.  Syd now plays in the band, as such she marches during ½ time at the HS football games.  I am so proud of her…

 

 

 

 

Trust the process……………………

Progress, not perfection……….

Trust the process……………………

Yadda Yadda Yadda……………….. 

I always write in first person.  I never refer to what “you” should do, I mean honestly, how would I know.  I tell this to woman I sponsor, I share what has worked and you have to find your own way.  That is what this post is about.  Finding my way.

I saw my therapist last night.  We discussed many things.  I went in feeling hopeless and left knowing someone else knew what I was going through.

We talked about trusting the AA program and the people that had gone before us.  And I did/do.  But I have seen my own results now.

We talked about many other things that we have watched others go through and seen them come out the other end.  We knew something worked.

So, where am I today?  I am trying to keep this generic.   Lets start with, if you never knew, you never knew. 

If you can define the problem, commite to a solution,   and then trust the process.

She reminded me that I am staying sober so the ‘program’ must be working.  Ok, I’ll buy that.

So, now we (i) have to relearn some serious behaviors or reactions to things around me.  (generic enough?)   Trust, trust, trust.

As I always say, what do you have to lose?

I’m in cause I have a lot to lose, just in my immediate future.  Job, kids, friends.   The way I have been lately I feel certain they don’t want to see me coming.  (joke, strictly a joke).

So, hang on…………. This may get bumpy!

 

Happy to See some Improvement

This has been a hard week.  Another run through the depression bs.  I found myself on my bedroom floor this morning, sobbing and wondering will this ever end?!

I decided to keep a journal daily about how I feel/what is going on, to see if there is a pattern.  Something tangible I can take to my therapist to see if she sees something I don’t.   I don’t know what is going to happen.  I cannot trust my emotions and frankly, they are beginning to scare me.

As I said, I want to keep a log (if you will) to see how often this happens.  All I know is the ups and downs are wearing me out.  :)

Anyway the point to this rambling is that this morning I looked for a small notebook I began in January 2005.  Not daily, but as often as I could I made an entry.  So, I flip through it and oh the misery inside.  I could feel the pain of the writer and wanted to cry.  Just what I needed on a day where nothing is making sense.  Of course 99% was about RJ and my marriage.  As I scanned page after page I was saddened by the words written by a woman so broken.  So, what started out as an emotional morning, started to change while reading her own words.  I was struck by the reality that I had truly come a long way.    That really gave me a shift in my emotions.  So, perhaps re-reading some of those pages was meant to be.

So, I will end here.  While the smile is on my face……   I’m not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be.