I am in awe of my son

I am in awe of my son.  The one that was homeless and running wild a few years back.  The one that tried to end his pain in a dark hotel room in the spring of 2012.  I have referred to him as my ‘man child’ but now I do believe that will stop.  He is not a child.  And probably more of a man than some ‘men’ I know.

Here is the story:  28 years ago  I was married to an abusive idiot.  2 years and I had to get away.  But not before serious damage had happened to my children, especially “M”.  Lets fast forward because that hurt that I allowed (willingly or not) has been brought up again, and in a huge way.

I want to say that I believe in a God so powerful that He gives us the rope to hang ourselves or grace to stay alive.  But it is our choice which one we choose.  Thank God “M” had enough and asked for that grace to keep him alive and more than that, to get his life together.

So, yesterday I get a text from my son informing me that the abusive x is in line in front of him at a local eatery.  His text said, I’m going after him.  What transpired from there went something like this;

M approached this evil person and asked if he was XXX.  Of course the ass said yes.  M proceeds to tell him who HE is and that he remembers what he did to him.  Evil person denies even know my son but he didn’t let that stop him.  He asked if he is still molesting little boys.  He got in his face and said I remember everything.  The evil one was shaking and nervously twitching.  The final words were by M, ‘my pain will heal, my anger may subside but how do YOU live with You!”  

There was more to the story but this is the most important part.  Finally that small child that never hurt anyone was able to stand before the monster that I had allowed in our lives so long ago and say,  I’m grown now lets take this outside. 

I am so very proud of M.  I am in awe of the God that I spoke of.  The One that gives us the power to move through scary situations.  Heals our pain.  Fills the void that so many of us can’t do ourselves.

Now, as proud and happy I am of all that M has walked through I want to throw in my part.  I guess I held it together yesterday because the most important person here was M, not me.  But this morning it hit me so hard.  All the memories flowed back in.  Beat me up.  Threw the blame at me and I was physically sick.  I started crying and became hysterical.  How could I have allowed this to happen.  How awful I am for not holding that little boy so close that no one could hurt him, or allowing years to go by and only see the defiance in M, not the fear.  How could I?  I could not hold it together any longer.

So, my heart is happy that M got to stand up to the monster.  But it is also so down for why he had to do it in the first place.

But!  This post is not just about  yesterday, or long ago.  It is about the God that got M through that and hopefully will allow me to come to terms with my part of this.  Today my prayer is that we all heal.  And most of all that God took something so awful and when HE was ready he put that man in the path of my man and it was powerful. 

Thank you God!