How I view today............. Sunny or Rainy..........

The news this week of the 3 woman and 1 child held captive for 10 years just breaks my heart.  Crushes the idea that people can not be that cruel.  And the question that will never really be given is how?

I don't know.  I can't read anymore of the headlines without getting sick-er.

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On the homefront the new digs are awesome!  I just can't write enough of how just adding additional space has made me feel so free.  Additional footage coupled with a nice neighborhood, and lots of windows for natural light.  A cute front yard......  I know, I know.  Enough already.

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When I began this blog I originally thought my daily or weekly entries would all be housed around awareness, growth, individual truth(s)......

But how many times can i say... hey look how this turned out or hey this is so much better than.....

I am not ungrateful.  Oh contrare'.  If anything I may be more inclined to pose the question, 'do I deserve all this?'   In trying to learn to change my negative outlook and thinking around to a positive spin on things, it is a constant fight to keep it that way.  Oh how I love to tell you all the 'ins and outs' of my life starting with the bad.  It is so deeply engrained in me that somedays I just think.... you will never really and fully change.

Ok, so lets assume the latter.  So, I don't.  Well how does that play out in my daily life?  Something like this:
work sucks
home sucks
house sucks
kids suck
no relationship (sucks)
relationship  sucks
money/no money sucks

get my drift?  I mean honestly there is no one anywhere (well except the 3 woman and 1 child) that can honestly say their entire day has not one iota of positive.  LOOK CLOSE!  This includes me.

So, last night I am with my GOD (group of drunks, albeit sober ones) and a man with 20 years sober says my name is ....... and my last drink was an hour ago.  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
How does that happen?  Ok, you have my attention.  Without any forthought on his part (that is his story) he picks up a bottle of almost finished wine his friend had left and politely sipped the rest.  Just like that!

Ok, Ok   I'm on my toes.  Meetings!  BB reading!  Working with other suffering souls!  Damn it! 
In the mean time one of my young woman(ees) texts me yesterday.  Seems she is closing off her world once again.  Time will bring the drink back to her IF she doesn't get her head out of her A*@ which is what I told her. 

Which leaves me one last thought:  At that same meeting last night which is full of long term sobriety, the conversation prior to starting was about how years ago newcomers were "taught" about AA.  They were made keenly aware that sharing in meetings was futile, they were only spreading disease.  Tough as nails but necessary.  In just 25 years I have seen this change too.  We are too afraid of hurting the suffering alcoholic (imagine that) and that they may drink again.  Oh come on!  Really?  There is nothing I can say or do to a fellow sufferer that will get him drunk or keep him sober.  uh uh.  Not my job or responsibility.  That is somehow getting really deluted these days. 

Now.......... my sobriety date of 7/7/11 will bring me to another 2 years milestone in a few months.  I will not celebrate another bday until I pass 4.  That was the # of years I had before the 'summer of suffering' I endured.  Complete with a blunder on pain meds.  I keep it simple and honest.  But damn it I want my 6 year chip I could have been picking up next year.!

Call me a whammm bulance.  I'm whinning!

Good weekend to all

Jj

Break the generational di-ease

Break the generational di-ease!

I have written here many, many times about my man-child.  Mr. M.  He came into the program a little over a year ago and today he picks up his 1 year medallion.  Not just picks up but has asked me to give it to him.  In our circle that is a) huge milestone and b) an honor to give.  I hope I can do it without blubbering.

I am so loving my dew digs.  I walk in and just smile.  I am realizing each day how much I felt that all the places I have occupied since 2005 have not once seemed like home.  Maybe not my home, but my home all the same.  Until now.  Is it the roominess of it all?  The space enough to allow myself and Mr. M room for quiet?  Uh………… I am so fortunate. 

Oh gosh I hate to repeat anything here.  But sometimes I forget what I have written about.  Since getting sober and truly asking God for help I see that all my needs have been met.  That each move has given me something I needed at that time.  The biggest proof was the apartment I occupied for most of my divorced life.  See, I love trees.  Being around the cool of the shade in the hot summer, listening to the rustle of leaves as they gently glide to the ground in fall, the birds, the squirrels,  you got the picture, right?  Well I had all of that, there.  Yet moving there was pretty tough to accept back then.  Oh and lets not forget the pool, which is one of the biggest draws for me.

Now, living in this new space albeit without the trees or a pool, I am completely happy.  So, I guess this go around was for space…… Including a garage.  I promise you that in all the “married” years I had houses, garages and even pools.  But something was missing.  Oh yeah  ME.  I was lost in ‘why, why me’.  Misery became my closest companion.

Still can be, but right here, right now…………  it’s good. 

And tonight I will stand next to my man child and beam with such pride.  Pride in the program, pride in him staying around.  And pride in knowing that God could and would if he were sought!

Remember when we thought ‘proof’ was only a measurement?

Share and Ponder

How shall I perceive ?

I have heard that life is 20% of what happens to us and 80% of how we react.  Well I have spent my entire life “reacting” to most situations.   I had a boss years ago that called me reactionary.  Whaaaaat?  Me?  I wasn’t even sure what he meant at that time.  But I was certain he wasn’t complimenting me. 

In fact I reacted to that as well.   So, how do I/we/you/they not “do” that? 

Does anyone know?  I sure don’t.  But if looking at things with a different perspective helps, then I am all for it. 

That is my rant for today.

So what’s going on?  Well the move was easy but hard.   I believe that I am still trying to get my energy back.  I will say this;  I stopped taking some meds I was given and now I am back to sleeping like a baby.

Oh, my precious babies (my cats) had/have the hardest time adjusting to the move.  I mean both of them stayed under the bed for days.  Even now if they are downstairs and the door opens they bolt for dear life.  It isn’t funny but it does make me chuckle.   

Also, I hear nothing there - meaning outside noise.  NO neighbors having sex, no babies crying, no gun shots.  No jacked up stereo’s blasting through the night.  Occasionally I will hear a siren but that could be anywhere.  Have I mentioned how much I love my new digs?  I will post a pic another day.

Man child is still there.  Having a sober child living there is so much easier.  I truly am blessed by his life now.  I actually enjoy spending time with him.  He is thriving in this new life he has been given.  And it shows.

My son-in-law lost his job after 10 years.  And that income paid all the bills.  I am praying they don’t lose their house they bought last summer.  He continues to search for a new job and D. found one working at a bank.  I am so proud of her too.  She was sad with the change in the home life.  Kids now get off the bus with dad in the afternoon.  Perhaps he will see how hard mama’s work to keep things flowing on the home front.

Life is certainly good.  I will add this though:  I haven’t spoken to my oldest sibling in a few weeks.  I finally had to detach.  I want to say I love her but hate her life choices but no one turned away from me (well not entirely) but I have to steer clear.  Her relationships are toxic for now.

JAW- to you my distant blogger – I pray all is getting better.  Share your blog with me…. 

Jj

Boston. Road Rage.. Stand by........

I try to post about things that seem important to me at the time.  I know, totally self absorbed. 
I could beat myself up about that but why?  It is my blog.  I'm not being testy.  These words are for me.  I read a blog of a wonderful woman who talked about last weeks events and how they affected her.  I am ashamed.  I too felt horrible watching the news footage.  For days.  But I did not write one thing about it. 
Just know that I am as shaken as the rest of the world.  With the exception, I did not know anyone at the race.  But certainly we should all see this as a blast to our own world (no matter how small).  Slowly we are being pushed into a corner of fear.   But I shall not go.  Fear is a word I am more than familiar with.  Tornado's.  Fire.  Sickness.  Divorce.  add nauseum.  

Do we let that define us?  Yes, at times I do.  This may be one of them.  Over the weekend a creep came barrelling up behind me on the highway  almost kissing my bumper.  Went around me as close as you can without hitting me.  then pulled in front of me with equal deliberation AND hit his brakes.  I hit mine and swerved to avoid a collision all while he watched from his rear view mirror.  What had I done?  What was his deal?  WTH?   Well I fell into a rage.  got beside him and rolled down my window.  I'll show him, stupid sob.  I am screaming at hime furiously!!!!!!!!!!!!!   What does he do?  Rolls his window down (too) and acts like he is holding a gun and shoots me.  What is wrong with us?   This is not any way a comparison to Boston.  No, it is a jerk thinking he should/could scare a woman with little regard for her emotions.  And believe me,  I was emotional!  I played right into his sickness.
Is that what we do?  React?  Act?  Standby?  You decide.

Weather!

If you live anywhere in this country you know how crazy our weather seems to be.  In my neck of the woods, right now we are under tornado watch which quite possibly will change to a warrning .  Now I was not a storm crazy kind of person but April 27, 2011 changed that.  For me and many others.  So, sitting at my desk at 2:pm I can feel this eery presence.  Stillness.  What in the world did people do before radar?  Before the local weather AND the weather channel.  I looked at the sky early this morning and it was beautiful!  I thought years ago some family thought this might me a great day for a picnic or swimming and hours later the bottom falls out.  Scary!

Tornado's are a part of the south.  I have seen the devistation of 1974, 1989, 2011.  Others came inbetween but these are by far the worst.  We hang on, we hang out, we shout out (to a God that has a plan) but most of all we wait it out. 

To the many folks in the path of this horrific storm............ I pray everyone gets out of this unscathed.

Prayer and acceptance

I began this blog some time ago.   I named it 'breathing lessons' or breathing through life's difficult times.
This week is hardly the exception.  Man child has been waiting a decision regarding past decisions that put him in some pretty deep trouble.  By trouble, I mean with the court system.  I do believe that in our addictions we lose all ability to act right.  Nothing matters but "more"  no matter who we hurt to get "it".

I have never faced court.  Never been arrested, but as I have stated before that is NOT because I have led an exemplary life.  To the contrary.

So, as the day continues I will say the serenity prayer over and over, for after all I can not change what is going to happen.  Neither can he. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Prayer works!

Well I woke up about a week ago and asked myself, "is this worth it"  meaning the higher learning track i was on.  In the beginning of the whole school thing I broke down to my sponsor that I wanted to change the way I felt and drinking wasn't an option but running my car up a tree sure was! 
It is really interesting (to me)  that when I know, I know.  And I knew that I would not, could not continue.  And when peace comes from that decision then I know it is right (for me).
The weight of the world was lifted and I am so happy.

This woman always has something going on.  After 5.5 years at my apt. complex I am leaving.  I have scouted out several options, none of which seemed right.  But I knew that when I saw it, i would know.  And I believe I have.  Much more room (hurrah).  plus many other extras. 

I have been divorced more than 8 years.  I have moved (including this one) 7 x's.  How horrible is that?  I was still making poor decisions until the final move to where I am now.  I kicked and screamed with the thought of living in an apartment.  But, you know what?  It has been home for all this time.  Looking back God put me right where He knew I needed to be. 

See, if (IF) I get quiet, slow down long enough for my emotions to clear, I usually know what to do. 

Life is good, today.