Some days things just suck. Suck just the way they are. But do they have too? Now I'm not talking about the lives of all those affected by Hurricane Sandy. No, things are horrible for them. And who knows for how long. the pictures just keep coming in. Unbelievably painful to watch; I can't imagine living it.
No, I'm talking about having so much head noise that I can't see beyond it. just yet. Somedays it seems so right. It seems to align with those forces that be. But lately I fear more and more to be unsettled, more and more. Too busy? Too much associated with the angst of school? When one area is out of wack it seems to permiate the air.
I am grateful to be sober. That always is priority. I have begun to search out other options for meetings which is good.
Over the past week or so work has gotten really sick (ening). I just can't force myself past the male mentality here. What I told myself this morning is the only thing I like about this job is the paycheck. When did that happen? How? What now?
Action to take? Maybe. Inaction probably more appropriate. Do no harm. Even to myself. But right now, right this minute I am oozing meaness out. I want to scream at the son of a bitches that I am worth something. And that is what I talked to God about this morning. My worth. True worth is not, can not be measured by the friction here. Nor anywhere.
How to get to that point? Acceptance? Maybe. Fighting against this or trying to stand up for myself is really hard. I have tried here. Several times and get smacked back down. So, pavlov's dog, how many times are you going back?
I am a great worker. I am good with people. I want to work. I have something to offer. But it is becoming increasingly apparant it isn't needed or wanted here. I want to spit at both of them and walk the hell out.
Yeah that aint' happening. I look online at jobs all the time. I will get a professional to update my resume to show how awesome I am (tee hee).
This isn't the only show on earth and it certainly is not the greatest. So, for today, I will keep my mouth shut but my eyes wide open. Looking up, knowing He is shaping me daily, minute by minute. You know how I know that? Because if He wasn't I would have told that &^%^& to go fu$# himself. That is who I am without God at the helm. But damn how good that would feel to stand up and say, I am too good to work here. Just once. And then walk to my car with a smile that no one can take away.
Yawn........ am i waking from a bad dream or daydreaming?
Points to ponder can be useful or wasteful. you decide.
For me........... I will usher in thoughts of pride (right sized), incredible strength and assuredness that comes from one place. HIM.
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