You have told me for as long as I've been coming to the rooms of AA that freedom from fear includes walking through it. Not running from it as I have always done. I almost laugh now at the years I spent dodging all that I feared. The fear of the fear.
So being divorced for 6 years (almost) I have literally not moved on. I mean I've dated a few times but learning to let go was something I was not ready to do. Do you know how lonely it is to lay beside someone that no longer cares about you? To try to deny the thoughts in my head that were speaking the truth but wouldn't come out my mouth. The program tells us that we must be free from selfish, self seeking motives. (If I tell him he will say goodbye for ever, then what will I do?) so I say nothing. Well I'm tired of that. Yes, tired. So, just like the drink I want to move on. Leave this to a God that understands my fears and self doubts. He will take care of me and him and I will let him.
So I am finally willing to walk forward. Head held high. Hopes of a tomorrow (again). I feel free but sad.
Lonely but hopeful. Hopeful that by letting go I will have a future, one day and it will be a God given relationship that will be good.
Not one that will bring sadness and grief.
This is all because the program has given me insight into who I am, why I respond like I do. What is hard is being honest with ME. That is where I am today. Freedom. By the Grace of God.
No comments:
Post a Comment