Positive that positive thinking can create a positive attitude....

It seems that most if not all of my entries seem to be about sadness, depression, work issues, relationships….  I went back through some of them and was disgusted that it never sounded like my life is ok.  Better than it was.   Where is the hope?

Unfortunately it takes doing just that to say, ‘whoa’.   Not sure when or where it came from but I am truly a negative person.   And I hate that about myself.   So, what I am learning is that awareness could and should lead to a change.  Oh boy.  How do I do that?

Let me start with the positive things in my life ‘today’.    You know, a GRATITUDE list.  They really make us/me look at my life differently.

I have a job.

I so love my condo.  It truly is my soft place to fall.

I can pay, and do, my bills.

I have my health, albeit a few squeeks here and there.

My children/ grandchildren  are doing ok.

I am ok without a man in my life.  (huh, who would have thought that?)

I am sober.

I am not in debt.

Most of all I have a relationship with a GOD of my understanding that loves me more than I can possibly  understand.  I have learned to rely on His power, no my own.

Everything else is gravy.

So, for today, let me go on record as having a positive post.   Hey I like that.

Hang on!

If I didn’t read another recovering person’s blog daily, and watched (ok, read) as daily she battled severe depression (after 25+ years sober), I think I would break.  I thought I was this morning.  No words to describe what has been going on for some time.  No need to worry, I say to you, as I am under the secure hands of a therapist and a licensed MD that prescribes rather nicely drugs that are meant to help me/us along.  Ummm mmm.

I cannot truthfully say what I feel.  Because it changes daily, hourly that I cannot say for certain how I feel.  I sat across from the doc this morning.  This was my annual meds check for my depression.  I snapped.  Although crying is just part of my makeup, I was surprised all that came out.  I tried so hard not to get upset.  I wanted her to see that I am trying to keep it together, although, not too well.

She talked to me about what had triggered all of the depression.  What?  How should I know.  It has become such a part of me that the reality of NOT being depressed never crosses my mind.  And here is the craziest part.  I forget that with depression so many other things happen.  I have lost any close friends, I relish being alone in my condo.  I hate my job, my meetings, and now my bible study group.  I am angrier than I have been in a while.  With someone like me, everything I fear, everything that I don’t want YOU to see or know becomes a problem.  Push it down further.  That will take care of it!  NOT!

Ok, I just can’t go into more of this.  File it all under depression.   Only today she scared me a tad.  Major Depressive Disorder.  Do we always have to have a “title” for what is wrong?  So, another med added.  I will either come out the other side unscathed or I will go crazy. 

So, good news for today?  Uh, maybe that I am open to telling someone how I really feel.  Oh, and I will now be seeing my therapist on a regular basis, again.  Damn I am good at smiling, saying I am fine and telling you, ‘no thanks, I don’t need any”.   It always lands me back on my knees. 

So, another 4 week waiting game.  Stay tuned.

I'm holding out for a breakthrough!

 

 

 

Tolerance of Me and You.

If I choose too, I can have a good day.  IF I allow others to make that choice for me, it may not be so great.  IF walking away from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body (AA) I can have a better life, why wouldn’t I.  And btw, I did.  So, on to the present.  I allow work environment to rule my day(s) lately.  Oh, maybe not all in a row but acting as if I like the actors in my play is not a way around the horrible feelings I have towards this place.  Oh wait, him/them. 

I am a social creature by grace, meaning I was born this way.  I am learning (present tense) to absorb who I am and push out what I think you want me to be.  Sounds confusing, huh?  Not really.  Being a people pleaser, I am in a constant state of unrest when around those that challenge my every move/action/thought/word.  I get sick of looking at me to find out why this is.  I want to say screw it, why does that matter?  But, it does.  It forces me to find out what is going on with me.  I can NOT change others.  So, in self reflection, I see a scared (damn it, not again) person.  Someone that still can’t get beyond wanting approval from others.  Oh, I stomp my feet at times and make people around me cringe out of fear of what will come next.  I am harmless in action but deadly in words.  So, I say, watch out, jerk!  There is one in every work place, but in a small office it is magnified.  That includes me.   I so miss (and wish) there was just one person I could talk with during the day (here) that could see both sides.  That could help me step out of my comfortableness and stand up for myself.  Oh I can get there and do, but there is a correct way of handling work place issues and I am not able to do that. 

I charge up one hill and fight for the right to be alive, and get pushed down another out of fear…….. 

I heard a still small voice this morning say as I prayed, “stop asking for your circumstances to be changed with your prayer and start asking for acceptance of them to change.    Here I am in constant battle to be noticed.   Sometimes it is ok, but not lately.

I read through a book last night (not the entire thing but enough to be questioning) called  “The Five Love Languages”.  I almost left it alone, after all I am single and this is written for marriages.  But, I thought, there may be something I can learn.  One of the first things was what do I respond too?  What is MY love language.  See, if you know (I) then maybe I can better co-exist.  What I found is that my language is one of speech. I thrive on the spoken word of, “well done”, “good job”.  Compliments carry me a long way.  Now, don’t ask me to trace that one cause I don’t have to, to understand.   Knowing that helps me to come to terms with those folks that don’t know MY language.  Now, maybe I can stop calling him an idiot, asshole, jerk.  Maybe.

Dampened Spirit(s)

Holidays, Heartaches and Headaches

Happy 4^th to everyone (albeit a day late).  So, the 4^th probably means many things to many people, but for the ones that keep us free  Here’s to you!.  Thank you for your service.

In reflection of this holiday from years back I am reminded of some happy times as a kid.  Camping was something my dad loved to do and boy did we ever.   I remember once, maybe twice that we sat on the boat out on the lake while the grownups shot fireworks for all to see.   As a 10-12 year old it was a blast.  I am  not a fireworks kinda gal.  I think when someone else is shooting them, they’re neat.  And that is the way I choose to leave it.  I have had fun with the grandkids on several celebrations (probably b4 the actual date) where we have played with sparklers (yup, they still make them) and a few that once lit they stay close to the ground.  I love the sound of laughter when they are having fun.   Maybe that is what dad felt too.  Hmmmm.

So this 4^th I chose to stay home.  Since it fell on a Thur and I had to work the next day, AND we had massive amounts of rain, I relished the idea of being home anyway.  I listened as the locals shot off fireworks till after 10pm.  Yes, even the rain couldn’t  “damper” (sorry couldn’t help that one) the souls of the faithful.

Once again I attempted to put up a boundary with ‘him’.  He was really upset.  Not yelling or anything but I certainly surprised him, and later he told me as much.  I had really been praying so much to be placed in a position of neutrality.  So, neither the hurt that was surely going to come; or the fear was going to keep me in bondage.  Yeah right.   So, I blurted out what I needed him to know/hear.  Since I was at his house I wanted to run out the door.  And I did rather quickly.  After I had gotten home, my determination began to leave.  I tried to talk to someone about this but like most of my friends and probably all of my family; they are sick of hearing it.

When he called I answered and we talked.  It was not pleasant nor easy.  When we hung up I broke into wails of sorrow, for what I really could not say.  For the rest of the afternoon and evening, those waves came and went many times.    But, when bedtime came I was able to leave the emotions and sleep soundly.  It is getting better.

Lastly the man-child is doing rather well.  But this morning I got to see his old self in action.  He still has a pretty hefty temper/anger.  I suppose if nothing changes, nothing changes. 

 

The forecast is calling for more rain, on top of the flooding from yesterday.  Yikes, someone call Noah.

 

Jj

Daily Musings and Happy 4th of July

Beginning the 3^rd month of living in my new digs.  Love it!  The space, the small yard, the quiet, the garage that allows me to store whatever has still not been unpacked, which isn’t much.  Problem going forward with that stuff is when do I let go of it.  I have never been a pack rat.  Never.  I am the one that so enjoys order.  If you don’t use it, get rid of it.  Hmmm now I am having to listen to my own words.  I believe that part of the sadness of getting rid of this “stuff” is the memories.  It took several years to even look through the storage facility I rented 8 years ago.  So the process has been slow, but still moving forward.  So, another thing I have learned is as I/we age, our interests do as well.  What I liked then I may not now.  Collecting Boyd’s bears had become an obsession.  I have several boxes to prove that. 

I just feel that when I am ready, I will let go of all of those “things”.  I really wish my grandkids would enjoy some of what I loved collecting, but I think they are too young.  I am sure that I am a old person that just happens to love them.  Nothing special.  However, spin that table and I am totally smitten by them. 

This happens to be the 4^th of July week.  Man that was one of the biggest partying holidays we had.  All of us hanging out at Scott’s drinking, swimming, cooking out!  Great times.  He still has a pool in his backyard and until this year we did still hang out there.  Several things have changed for him so the invites rarely come.

This is also the week of the day (July 4^th, 1995) that mom died.  Donna called it “her independence day”.  That will always stick with me.  She needed her independence.  She was so sick.  But, I will not relive that time.  She is in a better place. 

I am battling the morning tears again.  I had my meds adjusted so I am praying whatever is pushing the sadness will be lessened in time.  Or, maybe I am just a depressed person that will learn to live with the sadness that seems to loom right below the surface.  Crazy thing is that it comes in the morning and leaves about lunch.  I see the doc next Tuesday.  Lets see if she listens to me. 

Picking up my revamped resume tonight.  I had to have it professionally redone.  Hopefully it will hit the right hands and my employment will change.  Until then, I will keep suiting up and showing up.  Even when I reluctantly walk through that door 5 days a week, I am certain most folks do not hate coming to work.   But that’s a different story………….

 

So, daily musings are not really amusing, but once again shared from me to …. Me!

Beginning the 3^rd month of living in my new digs.  Love it!  The space, the small yard, the quiet, the garage that allows me to store whatever has still not been unpacked, which isn’t much.  Problem going forward with that stuff is when do I let go of it.  I have never been a pack rat.  Never.  I am the one that so enjoys order.  If you don’t use it, get rid of it.  Hmmm now I am having to listen to my own words.  I believe that part of the sadness of getting rid of this “stuff” is the memories.  It took several years to even look through the storage facility I rented 8 years ago.  So the process has been slow, but still moving forward.  So, another thing I have learned is as I/we age, our interests do as well.  What I liked then I may not now.  Collecting Boyd’s bears had become an obsession.  I have several boxes to prove that. 

I just feel that when I am ready, I will let go of all of those “things”.  I really wish my grandkids would enjoy some of what I loved collecting, but I think they are too young.  I am sure that I am a old person that just happens to love them.  Nothing special.  However, spin that table and I am totally smitten by them. 

This happens to be the 4^th of July week.  Man that was one of the biggest partying holidays we had.  All of us hanging out at Scott’s drinking, swimming, cooking out!  Great times.  He still has a pool in his backyard and until this year we did still hang out there.  Several things have changed for him so the invites rarely come.

This is also the week of the day (July 4^th, 1995) that mom died.  Donna called it “her independence day”.  That will always stick with me.  She needed her independence.  She was so sick.  But, I will not relive that time.  She is in a better place. 

I am battling the morning tears again.  I had my meds adjusted so I am praying whatever is pushing the sadness will be lessened in time.  Or, maybe I am just a depressed person that will learn to live with the sadness that seems to loom right below the surface.  Crazy thing is that it comes in the morning and leaves about lunch.  I see the doc next Tuesday.  Lets see if she listens to me. 

Picking up my revamped resume tonight.  I had to have it professionally redone.  Hopefully it will hit the right hands and my employment will change.  Until then, I will keep suiting up and showing up.  Even when I reluctantly walk through that door 5 days a week, I am certain most folks do not hate coming to work.   But that’s a different story………….

 

So, daily musings are not really amusing, but once again shared from me to …. Me!

If we don't look, it doesn't exist

I have a soft heart.  It breaks when I know or see someone is hurting.  I think partly because I can imagine their pain.  Partly because I am a mother, it is instinct to want to help.  Stopping short of fixing their issue, which sometimes takes all I can do, not to do that.  Especially my kids.

I talked with someone today that knows she handed someone some important documents over 2 years ago.  When those documents were needed they were not located.  More importantly, she was told they were never turned in.  Now, here is the deal; I believe her.  I know she is forgetful at times, but she can relay every detail of that day.  Problem still exists, they are no where to be found.  This is costing her several thousands of dollars because of that.  Thousands……….

Now here is my deal.  I believe her.  But I can not prove or disprove.  When others were asked, the response was, ‘no, we never had them’.   

I just believe her and my dilemma is that there is nothing I can do to change that.  I listened to her on the phone just sick about this whole thing.  And I had that feeling.  So, how do we handle those “situations”?  work, home, family, friends…………….  How do we fly under the radar (if you will) unnoticed?

Injustice is everwhere.  But, out of apathy do we turn the other cheek?  I guess I have been at that place that needs to be heard.  Knows the truth.  But is not listened to.  Are those people turning around like they don’t see?  Please God don’t let that be me.

But here I sit pondering the situation as if I held the majic key to unlock this mystery and help this precious woman move on.   If confrontation of the key part of this issue would erase this , I would.  I did.  And that went right down the tubes to the ‘you don’t know what your talking about’ sewer.

So, she knows,  I am pretty certain I do……………. That is where this stops.  And I hate it.  See I have always had a problem standing up for myself.  Oh, I have, I try and I will but met with oppostition I normally stand my ground until the heat gets too great.  I have literally said to myself,  “how important is this?”

I suppose one of my glaring defects is that I have carried around with me my ENTIRE life the thought/fact that I don’t matter.  That has caused me some major pain/tears.  Therapy only gave me the recognition, the work begins afterwards and somedays I am successful, others not so much.

So, when you see a homeless person, an elderly person or a child heck, anyone that is not being heard, being put down, leaving to rot………………….. stop.  People stop and lend YOUR hand.  We all to often seem apathetic and that is where it stops. 

I am learning, growning into a person that can make a difference to the life/day of these people… IF I take the time.

We ALL matter.  (thought to ponder)

When will I learn

Ok, let me preface this (albeit humorously) that I am a self driven, motivated woman.  With most areas of my life.  Ok, the ones that either make me happy or the ones that cause me pain.  That netherland inbetween is usually left alone.  So, I am always on guard of my weight.  I was skinny as a rail as a child but as my late teenage years came to a close i was overweight.  And I continued to either ramp up how to combat that (yes, usually there were drugs involved) or blissfully filling the
void with more carbs.  With me still?
So about the time my birthday was saying "your how old?" i got serious and pulled off a 50 lbs weight loss along with lots of gym time.  I was blissfully happy at that accomplishment.  And I swore that would never happen again.
Well it did.  Within 3 years or so I was back up those and then some.  Add another 4 or 5 and I was heavy!  I decided to take the gastric bypass route. 
Today 7 years later I have held off all the weight and now I am in love with working out...  I may have a few pounds I could lose but honestly that excess skin is already and issue so  enough is enough.
so back to the gym.  I work out 3 sometimes 4 days a week.  cardio and weight lifting.  YU-MY.

So all is well and then these crazy body parts started acting up.  Knees !  and we NEED our KNEES.
I won't go into detail but after surgery 2 years ago and ignoring the doctor telling me i would not run again,  i found that i could and i did.  never more than 3 miles at a time and at that i would have to break for a minute here and there.   And they last Oct i hit (figurativly) a stopping point.  Pain in the right knee was too much to ignore.  back to the doc and some meds and off i go.  ok, enough.  I am in a world of hurt.  my right one gave out about a week ago and the left aches like it is on fire. 

Steroid shot yesterday and a brace.  of which i will post.  I am a 54 year old grandmother of 4 when am i going to act like it.

Jj