Hang on!

If I didn’t read another recovering person’s blog daily, and watched (ok, read) as daily she battled severe depression (after 25+ years sober), I think I would break.  I thought I was this morning.  No words to describe what has been going on for some time.  No need to worry, I say to you, as I am under the secure hands of a therapist and a licensed MD that prescribes rather nicely drugs that are meant to help me/us along.  Ummm mmm.

I cannot truthfully say what I feel.  Because it changes daily, hourly that I cannot say for certain how I feel.  I sat across from the doc this morning.  This was my annual meds check for my depression.  I snapped.  Although crying is just part of my makeup, I was surprised all that came out.  I tried so hard not to get upset.  I wanted her to see that I am trying to keep it together, although, not too well.

She talked to me about what had triggered all of the depression.  What?  How should I know.  It has become such a part of me that the reality of NOT being depressed never crosses my mind.  And here is the craziest part.  I forget that with depression so many other things happen.  I have lost any close friends, I relish being alone in my condo.  I hate my job, my meetings, and now my bible study group.  I am angrier than I have been in a while.  With someone like me, everything I fear, everything that I don’t want YOU to see or know becomes a problem.  Push it down further.  That will take care of it!  NOT!

Ok, I just can’t go into more of this.  File it all under depression.   Only today she scared me a tad.  Major Depressive Disorder.  Do we always have to have a “title” for what is wrong?  So, another med added.  I will either come out the other side unscathed or I will go crazy. 

So, good news for today?  Uh, maybe that I am open to telling someone how I really feel.  Oh, and I will now be seeing my therapist on a regular basis, again.  Damn I am good at smiling, saying I am fine and telling you, ‘no thanks, I don’t need any”.   It always lands me back on my knees. 

So, another 4 week waiting game.  Stay tuned.

I'm holding out for a breakthrough!