Tolerance of Me and You.

If I choose too, I can have a good day.  IF I allow others to make that choice for me, it may not be so great.  IF walking away from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body (AA) I can have a better life, why wouldn’t I.  And btw, I did.  So, on to the present.  I allow work environment to rule my day(s) lately.  Oh, maybe not all in a row but acting as if I like the actors in my play is not a way around the horrible feelings I have towards this place.  Oh wait, him/them. 

I am a social creature by grace, meaning I was born this way.  I am learning (present tense) to absorb who I am and push out what I think you want me to be.  Sounds confusing, huh?  Not really.  Being a people pleaser, I am in a constant state of unrest when around those that challenge my every move/action/thought/word.  I get sick of looking at me to find out why this is.  I want to say screw it, why does that matter?  But, it does.  It forces me to find out what is going on with me.  I can NOT change others.  So, in self reflection, I see a scared (damn it, not again) person.  Someone that still can’t get beyond wanting approval from others.  Oh, I stomp my feet at times and make people around me cringe out of fear of what will come next.  I am harmless in action but deadly in words.  So, I say, watch out, jerk!  There is one in every work place, but in a small office it is magnified.  That includes me.   I so miss (and wish) there was just one person I could talk with during the day (here) that could see both sides.  That could help me step out of my comfortableness and stand up for myself.  Oh I can get there and do, but there is a correct way of handling work place issues and I am not able to do that. 

I charge up one hill and fight for the right to be alive, and get pushed down another out of fear…….. 

I heard a still small voice this morning say as I prayed, “stop asking for your circumstances to be changed with your prayer and start asking for acceptance of them to change.    Here I am in constant battle to be noticed.   Sometimes it is ok, but not lately.

I read through a book last night (not the entire thing but enough to be questioning) called  “The Five Love Languages”.  I almost left it alone, after all I am single and this is written for marriages.  But, I thought, there may be something I can learn.  One of the first things was what do I respond too?  What is MY love language.  See, if you know (I) then maybe I can better co-exist.  What I found is that my language is one of speech. I thrive on the spoken word of, “well done”, “good job”.  Compliments carry me a long way.  Now, don’t ask me to trace that one cause I don’t have to, to understand.   Knowing that helps me to come to terms with those folks that don’t know MY language.  Now, maybe I can stop calling him an idiot, asshole, jerk.  Maybe.