Breathing through it..

Breathing Room.  I and my family need it.  Lots of it.  So much going on.  So many without hope, or suffering from loss, incredible sadness.... it goes and goes.

I have not really given much thought (ok, not much) to how the current events have affected me.  The other day it hit me as I cried that I am grieving and need to move through it not stuff it.  I do not think I have mourned someone like I have this.  Someone.  Something.  Really unsettling.  Watching my children/grand kids go through their loss has kept most of my feelings at bay.  They pop out and I cry but then I go back to them.  HOw can I help them?  Or can I?

I have blogged that this death has pushed me back into the past and how I lived with out much concern of others.  It forced me to rethink so many years; so many hurts... including mine.  Where to start can't even be a start.  It is too overwhelming. 

The other night I was driving and crying.  Really crying.  And I knew that a drink would relieve that immediate need, the need to not feel.  But, I also knew that it would bring on many more problems.  Thank God that was a larger thought.!!!

Then I am driving (and doing too much thinking) and I began to think that I missed my old drug... The worst of the worst, one of which held me captive for 4 years, maybe 5.  long horrible disasterous years.  At a cost I hope I never have to pay again.  But, here I was thinking how that drug gave me drive and desire and creativity; all of which have been all but gone in the past 9 years.  Now, I am not going backwards or gonna do anything stupid, but the thoughts.  the thoughts.  the thoughts.

That was days ago and here I am, blogging sober and sane.  And somewhat content.  How interesting life is.  More that that.... How awesome God is.....

Right now one of my precious grand daughter is sleeping in and I am happy that we spent the weekend together.  Girly stuff.  Laughing, sharing, movie, dinner....

I have prayed, asked and cried to God to bring someone in my life that I would be in love again.... I already am in love....

It may not be the 'boyfriend' life but it is so full...  My children and grandchildren are that void that God bops my upside the head and reminds me... This is the life....

:)