Ca-razy

Craziness!

I have fought for too many years to remain somewhat sane.  How sad that seems, but it’s the truth.  Problematic is that I never thought myself ‘in’sane…. Well until I looked up the definition; insanity-not of sound mind, abnormal behavioral patterns………. Yup……….. I’m insane.  How sane is that acceptance?

Now I suppose the recognition is a fast start, right?  Ewee.  Certainly not.  It clouds my judgment, I feel impaired.  Unequipped.   Where has all this come from?  The insanity of my thought process.  What an abnormal one at that.

If I walk in a room of people and they all grown silent at the same time, there talking about me.

If i call someone repeatedly and they don’t answer or don’t return my call, they are angry with me.

If… if…. If……

Here is some crazy; friends decision to leave the program of AA since she is not an alcoholic.  Really?  She obviously has forgotten about the last 2 bouts she used to find that out.  Not pretty, but to her this decision makes perfect sense.  And I can see why.   See we begin to act crazy and the insanity returns AND we drink again.  If falls before the first drink.  Insanity.

So, other areas that can bring up my insanity…. Relationships.  Personal, Business, family.    But, upon further examination what it looks like is this:

I don’t like how someone is acting or treating me…. I try harder to define the problem and move in to the fix of it all.

I still want to fix situations to ‘help’ others but at times, in a carefully reviewed motives…. I can find if they are happy, then I can be.  INSANITY.

I could write more examples but they truly are not necessary.  I can become crazy at anything. 

So is today a good day to say, ‘well at least I didn’t drink’?  Hopefully not, but it may.  See if drinking were my only problem, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

 

All gibberish at this point…….. but somehow I hope it makes sense….