Thanksgiving.... every day.

Thank goodness that is over!  Thanksgiving…day…….

Ok, so the festivities were I cooked turkey and Miss Sydney did the cornbread dressing like her pawpaw made… M&A did a big ham and other fillers, D did pies and her parents did some casseroles.  All of the food groups were met.  Unfortunately some feelings got hurt.  But, we will not go there.  Funny how a few hours/days between then and now can ease the anger or angst of the day.  I believe that just the getting things made brings on anxiety and I also believe it gets worse when you bring 4 families together.  Whew!  Wipe your brow.

So, our sweet baby “t” was not feeling real well.  But, doctor is addressing what ails him.  I did get to watch sweetness on Friday while mom and dad did a run to the store.  It’s funny.  He has not been out of their site and certainly not left at anyone’s house… But, they did and he was fine.  I held him while he slept and it was so special.  After about 45 minutes my son called.  Mom how is everything.  I just laughed.  He is fine.  They walked in the door about 30 minutes later.  Too sweet.

So, the Xmas decorations are up.  It hit me as I was opening the box for the artificial tree and I thought as I have many years before…. When the tree gets put away after the holidays as I’m boxing it up I ALWAYS think… I wonder where I will be when I open this box next year.  And I always wish I will be in love again.  As I was putting the tree together I chose not to get sad over being alone again.  I’m never alone.  I have great kids and grandkids that will always be there to keep me company.  But the biggest thing is my God.  He will never leave me and I believe that… with all that I am…

So, the shopping has begun in all its fury.  What to by and for whom…. I really try to get this done early so that I can just enjoy the season.  This year will be the same.

I am excited about something I am making for my Bunco gals.  All homemade and I will cheerfully give out next Friday night.  I love finding or making that certain gift that no one would have expected.  For me, it really is about giving.   And I love to give.

When did this happen?

When did this happen?  When did I become the “grandmother’ instead of the cool MiMi?

I am saddened at the course of events over however long it has taken.  My precious grandkids who used to snuggle, love on and squeeze so tight have now taken to hugging me and picking me up off the floor (all the while laughing).  Songs on the radio I no longer know the words to?  What used to be our ritualistic car rides and singing PP&M, Puff the Magic Dragon or This Land is Your Land or a few others we would sing out loud has now become a quiet ride most of the time.  Well quiet in that the music they like (and btw know all the words) I get a headache from and don’t know the words; which can make the event even funnier.  When did this happen?  I’m sad… what will happen next?  No longer spending the night with their MiMi?  I shudder at that thought.  Shopping for clothes for them has lost its fun in that we either can’t find what they like or what they like is not available in their size.  I was informed by my youngest that this year, for Xmas to please give her $$ so she can go shop for her own fun clothes.  What?  Last year I went, list clenched in my hand, to some crazy store for what she wanted and felt I did a good job.  Well it seems I have now been banished to the lower level of ‘that’s ok Mimi” meaning…… I have lost my touch. 

Let’s take a trip down memory lane (oops that may be a short one).  Let’s go back to 2005… living alone they would come to spend the night.  The daytime was filled with laughter and lots of fun activities.   Night time would go well until bedtime.  My poor precious Caleb would get upset, begin to cry and want to go home.  It would break m y heart…. But he would cuddle up and eventually fall asleep.  Let’s take a ride to the mountain; swing on the swings, take a hike, collect pine cones and nuts (since they were sure there was a squirrel somewhere else that might need them)…. Hide-n-seek, swimming… oh lots of swimming.  So many memories with pictures that tell the same story.  My sweet precious babies.  Who are now 13, 15 and 16… I’m old.  I see that now.  They have left me behind and now I’m the fun one but not on the same level.  We still swim (but don’t go as deep), play board games as well as dominoes and cards.  Tucked away are plastic totes of any toy I have managed to keep of theirs and the books we read nightly.  Which, if you have never watched the reaction of a child as you read a book to them and they look at the illustrations.  Priceless.  Hikes are few and far between although they still like going to the mountain… But I am seeing all too clear….. I know I will always be loved by them (plus my newest baby, Trip) but the new memories will include other activities set by their age and mine too.

There have been days since 2004 where I just did not want to get out of bed but they would come stay with me and for a minute my world was back in tact… for a moment.

The soothing sounds of singing and laughing and telling fun stories…. Well those times are still here….. I just hope I remember that… tomorrow.  Did I say I love these kids… ok, well you get the picture then…. Always is a long time but not long enough.

Greatest Joy

There is no greater joy than to see your children happy and fully adjusted to this thing called life.  But, when they bring their children into this life things grow considerably.  While I have the greatest joy in my daughters children, all 4 of them, I am elated at the birth of my son’s baby boy.  I spent so many years crumbled up in fear over his choices most of which were awful and hurtful (to him and others).  But when he reached out to God 4 years ago and said I’m done and I need you… his life changed rapidly.  Sober, wonderful girlfriend, marriage and truly blessed life and then baby “T” came.  He will be 2 weeks old tomorrow.  What a miracle.  I got to spend a few hours with them last night.  In watching “M” hold him, love him and adore him my heart just melted.  I do believe he has that much of his dad in him, who adored his children and grandchildren.  That is another blessing (if you will).  Their dad passed away at the end of last year.  “T” arrive will (hopefully) take the focus off of ‘that’ and perhaps ease that emptiness just a little.  Not saying someone can replace another; however, where one life ended another began.  And he is loved.

Thanksgiving is next week.  We will all be at my son’s house for a great meal.  Yes it will be less one important person but we will all be together along with his in-laws.  I have asked ‘R’ (ex) to join us as he is alone.  He has not committed but the invite has been extended…

Another point with “R” is his son.  I wonder if the song Cats in the Cradle applies here.  “T” left home at 17 and has never returned; well except for a quick visit here and there.  After we were married he seemed to accept me and his dad’s remarriage and came a couple times a year.  We attended his weddings (quick one many years ago), and he seemed to like coming (at least while we were married) and staying with us.  As a matter of fact he would go see his mother for a day but always came back to our house.  Well all that has changed.  He no longer comes with his wife.  They do not invite him to their house due to having 4 dogs that get upset.  Who does that?  Anyway back to Cats in the Cradle, I have to wonder….

 

Re-Framing

I read something today that struck close to home.  It’s called ‘reframing’.  Taking something that is painful and changing the way we view it.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Try it.   I have been doing something similar but did not call it ‘reframing’ but rewriting a story.  Pick any story you have experienced.  Probably should be a sad/emotional one.  Otherwise why would we ‘rewrite’ it?  The writer of this article spoke about not dodging the pain, in fact acknowledge it… you cannot go around or it will come back.  We have to breathe it, live it, sleep with it, and take it to work, to dinner….. you got the jest, right?

There is no right or wrong way to get through a painful season…. It just is… But the idea of ‘reframing’ intrigued me.  How?  What steps do we take?   And the biggest question… how long will it take?  All answers are ambiguous.  It is a personal journey.

This is what it looks like for me, today.

Beginning with acknowledging what ‘it’ is; which can be painful in itself.

Looking at it from a different perspective will take time, but not to sit waiting.  No, action is the necessary key.  So she suggests to make a list daily of what we ARE thankful for.  Even if it is silly… write it.  As this daily action takes place slowly we begin to feel it… and the feelings are what we want to avoid, prolong or escape from (when it comes to this).  She said, act as if.. which in my circles we have been passing on for years.  Does it work?  Well if we sat around moping and crying that is what we will feel.  But somehow in putting some positive outlook on where we are at that very moment can change the process….

So:  if my list were made today it would look like this:

1.  God
2. My family
3. My grandkids
4. My sobriety
5. Certain relationships have been mended
6. A job that gives me the means to pay my bills
7. My kitties
8. My comfortable bed
9. A clear(er) head
10. Friends that stay forever
     
    Taking our mind off of ‘it’ is a process and I suppose a long one at best… but ‘it’ is not serving any purpose but causing me harm… emotionally.
     
    Totally not rhetorical.  No one else has to agree…. In the weeks ahead I may find this totally useless.  But I’m willing to try.  Word for the day:  ReFraming..

ooh baby baby!

Sweet, Sweet baby!

On Friday we welcomed our newest addition to our family.  A perfect little boy.  Absolutely adorable.  I was swelling with love.  Several things to note here.  One… this is my wild child’s child.  Well wild no more child.  Miracle child.  Well no longer a child, child.  I guess you get the point.  My sweet baby boy now has a sweet baby boy.

I have a confession of sorts.  I mean can you love one child more than another?  One grandchild more than the rest?  I do not have an answer to that.  What I do know is, and this is complete honesty, is when my children were born I was too young and immature to fully grasp what was happening.  Terribly sad!  When my first grandchild came along I was elated….. add 3 more to that mix.  They are and always will be my precious babies.  Always! So, this makes baby #5 for grandchildren.  I can not believe that.  5.  I only have 2 children.  I believe this baby will be smothered with love; from his parents and certainly grandparents.  How can a baby not be loved. 

So, there are no favorites.  No one gets a bigger portion of the ‘pie’ to say, but I love them all the same… even the youngest who absolutely stole my heart.  And I needed him too since it is broken.

So, as I rocked him that first night, as I held him tight I said a prayer to our God to please keep him safe and thank you for allowing this family to grow.

There are no greater blessings than to welcome a child into the world.

 

 

 

Baby!!!!

Baby almost here.  What a blessing.  We have not had a little one in 13 years....baby boy......for my baby boy,.....the one that I did not think would make it to his 21st bday.  What a miracle..

Not my circus...

When all we have left is family do we still have it all?  Over my adult life my family (siblings) have had our share of hostility.  He said, she said… this one does like and this one agrees, upsetting another one…………………… my poor mother… how did she handle her adult children arguing…. Some of those fights lasted for several years. 

Now our children are grown, with families of their own; and at times they two have butted heads.  And when they do it is not pretty.  What I know about their personalities is one is bull headed the other is passive-aggressive.  Fire and Water!  Bam! 

What I also know about me is I want to keep the peace, fix the issue.  And sometimes that is not my job.  Not my circus, not my monkey’s.  today is a prime example of that.

Without having a family meeting (whatever that would mean cause we never have had one) my son and I changed Thanksgiving dinner to his house.  Along with other in-laws, new baby… etc.  sounds good.  Never, ever dreaming this to be an issue.   Well it is and feelings got hurt and people are angry. 

Hurting people, hurt people… emotionally… today is a great example of that.  So  here is the deal; I am stuck in the middle.  I want all concerned to be ok/happy if you will…. I also want it NOW!  That is not going to happen, not today.  He is mad… she sounds hurts.  I just want to say, figure it out and let me know.  See I only want us together.  I don’t care where.  Is this what my mother went through with 4 kids?  Good grief!

So, this wont be ok until someone steps up to that line and says… ok, this isn’t worth arguing about.  Problematic is neither will do that.  Ugh and ugh!

Not my circus but still feel bad…….. I have 4 grandkids that don’t need to know any of this and certainly should be able to see any any of them when we want.  Not clear enough?  Trying to keep families together may prove to be a difficult task.  One that I’m not sure I even have the capabilitiy to do.

I’m not happy, not happy with either of them.  So, I will sit back and let the two of them figure this out.  If they can’t then our 1^st thanksgiving without their dad will be even more gloomy.

I do not think either can see the big picture.  Heck I have a hard time myself.

GF time!

Girlfriends are the best!

So one of my best friends is going through a really rough time.  Relationship issues, children…… Our choices mirror each other and when I was sinking in despair and sadness she listened and brought the best of remedies to me.  For that I am grateful.. Now, she needs me or perhaps what she gave me I could return… she has the ability to see the picture clear and respond appropriately (for me) and I am not good at that but I’m here for her!

So, the whole girlfriends thing is awesome.  It has become a call of duty (well that sounds awful) that when she says or I say or one of us says, we need girl time; we spring into action.  No further investigation is needed.  We just know.  Hence today.  She needs a girl night.  We are going to give her that.  She is truly in a sad dark place… my heart breaks for her…  So…. Woman to the rescue!

This is an interesting concept considering most woman in our ‘circle’ seem to be of the same mindset - that a ‘man’ will fix and a woman will get in the way.  Why we think or thought that is too funny.  However, today we try to be there for the other(s).  Try.

Life is full of choices.  Life is made up of relationships and how we handle them or don’t.  relationship with ourselves, with you and most importantly with God. 

I have sucked at most of them, ok all of them my entire life.  If I did not get something in return you would not get my time.  So self-absorbed…. Today, I choose to do something different..  Like be a part of not apart from.

I have great friends today.  I am learning to be ok without a relationship with a man.  However, my prayer still remains the same, ‘please God send me an angel… someone I can love and will love me’  today I can honestly say that I am ok… moving in the right direction with small potholes still around but no sink hole!

Hmor Me

Humor me!

Sober living has done and given me so many opportunities; some I never saw coming.

Some I wish (for now) had not happened.  Most of which I have learned from.  But all those lessons were not always easy to swallow.  Some I had to be force-fed…

I have seen the darkest of days, the lightest of nights, the happiest of times and the sadness of the rest.  Truly it IS what comes our way that determines so much but equally important is our reaction to it all.  My reaction…. Has been awful at best…. For a while. 

At the horrible ending of my relationship with ‘s’ I blew up and threw him out of my house.  Ok, that is real sober acting, isn’t it?  Ugh!  I stewed and cried and damaged his character over and over for several weeks.  After all… you needed to know how bad he had treated me and how bad I hurt.  I, I, I.  ugh!  Over the weekend I took a trip to the lake to try to release my fear and sadness over this relationship.  Water, camping, outdoors all make me happy and I needed that.  However, at the end of the weekend I realized my hurt had resurfaced and I was processing in the wrong direction.  Yesterday morning I got up, came to work and without much more than a passing prayer I sent him a text asking if I could email him.  He replied with, ‘if I think it is important’.  So I sent a ‘I am truly sorry for how I treated you that last night.  No matter what had happened I did not have the right to treat anyone that way.  He responded late last night with I forgive you, I hope you will me and I wish you all the happiness I deserve.   If there is such a thing as a better ending, I guess that is it.  I can’t write anything else on that or I will cry.

My heart is mending but I am standing in the way..  I am better…. Thank God I’m not bitter.   I have a way to go but this has drawn me as close to God as I can be.. out of fear, anxiety, sadness and anger.  I’m a work in progress…. What can I say?

So our newest addition to our family will be here in a few weeks.  A precious baby boy for my baby boy.  He will be loved!

Fall is in full swing and the air temps drop and rise like smoke in the mountains.  Sometimes hovering above normal and other times just plain dropping, quickly.  Only two weeks and I’m off to the Smokies!  Yeah!

See, my life (my sober life) is good.  Painful yes, but all my needs are being met.  I have a smile on my face some of the time now.  I can breathe again.  Thank you  God!

Memories (good and new)

I tried to re-write the ending of part of my story for years.  Perhaps, if the ending was different, I would be too.  What I realized later was the ending was being relived therefor-rewritten.  That ending has a better one now.  Because we don’t realize that while we are walking through the pain of a breakup, the loss of a loved one, the end of a job, whatever the case may be…our ending keeps going.  Evolving….

Intentionally changing a memory can take the sting out of some things, I suppose.  I am of the mindset it can’t hurt to try.  I am also in a place that recognizes that a memory can change all on its own if enough time is allowed.  But, who wants to ‘wait out’ a painful ending?  And who, in the best of times, doesn’t relive a precious memory at that?!

In the process of changing some old memories I took a trip with my sister to the lake this past weekend.  Now, 2 woman alone with fire, tent, cooking and cold weather can be a treat to watch (I’m sure).  It was fun, funny and laughter filled the air more than once.  I was not sad going there, this was to create something new to offset something sad.  Will it work?  I guess.  There were a few moments that I just sat and cried at the beauty of the water and the memory of someone I had shared that with.  I’m good and those days at the lake will be good memories for years to come.  We probably looked more like Lucy and Ethel than we realized.  Neither of us took off our gloves, boots, toboggan…. During the whole time.  The daytime temps ran about 50ish, the night air was in the high 30’s.  The wind stayed about 10mph but it never let up long enough for the warmth of the sun to be good to us.

So, the time was well spent; next summer when we begin our camping season again perhaps the sting of hurt will have diminished somewhat and that which is left will be spread thin by the few days we trekked around the campgrounds.

Off or On TRACK?

I get off track at times… ok a lot.  Anyone that knows me, is aware of that and have been for a while.  It’s life. 

So, when I began this blog my intention was taking about living one day at a time without drinking.  How God has/is transforming my life.  And… Breathing through it all.  And I do mean IT ALL.

We are in the middle of fall, one of my favorite time of the year.  I love the bright colors, the smell of anything pumpkin, the cooler temps.. football… breathing during all of that comes real natural.  And as it should be.

What about “all” the “other” times?  Good, bad, bad, good, and the cycle continues.  The need to breathe never ends; it’s knowing not to ‘not’ breathe that is challenging at best... when the world comes down on us.

And it has several times during my sober life.  Two of the biggest hit 10 years apart.  I remained sober this time.  So, what does that concept mean?

Well small kids that aren’t getting their way hold their breath.  Agree?  Temperament and all.  It’s crazy for them to do that but if it works…. Then why not…

But what about being an adult?  What then?  I have skipped through my sober journey many months at a time and life has been ok.  OR my perception had it that way (and I’m sure it was).  However, what I have found is over time, my coping method still seems to be to not breathe.  You know, kinda like forgetting too.  How anyone can do that is a mystery.  Or maybe just a little.  Just enough to keep me from passing out but certainly restrict airflow.  What is the deal?

I’m not a kid.  I’m not kicking and screaming.  I’m demanding but so what.  I’m manipulative but isn’t everyone?  I’m fearful but you would be too if………………

So, I doesn’t matter what drives you, what matters is that you drive.  If fear is running my life… take a look at the causes and effect and look for solutions.  In the 8.5 years of sober living I have managed to let go of most of what ailed me.  most.  What I have found is given the right circumstances they can and have crop back up.  Think of whack a mole.

What I am growing into acceptance of is even if I am afraid, lonely, sad, peaceful, joyful, grateful, demanding, greedy, loveable, grieving, laughing…. I don’t have to drink and I can breathe through most of it.  That which causes me too much grief I can and have rolled up in a ball and cried like a baby till the wee hours of the morning.  (She says ½ jokingly)

Its life.  Mine... I share as needed…. I cry when needed….. I pray when needed…. (Which is all the time)…. I give when needed………. Point is… I am breathing through this thing called life.  

What is an Action?

What is an ‘action’?  How does that pertain to anything going on right now?  Is an in-action still an action?  Is moving slowly but in the right direction still moving?  Of course it is.!

So here is the deal…. When someone is ‘stuck’ do we offer them help?  Unsolicited advice?  A hand up?  A frown?  Or do we watch, sit and wait or worse… turn our backs?  

Are bad endings a result of poor choices?  Does hurt justify the means?  Does putting anyone below where they already are promote change?   Once again, no.

Can we change course in the middle of a storm?  Can the blowing wind be too much for us?  Does sheer determination come in to play?  Bring about a quicker ending; albeit still a painful one?  All of these ponderings are part of who I am, where I am… how I think, react, try, believe, pray for…  But sometimes things still hurt beyond what anyone would think; especially me.

Don’t judge (including me), dismiss or condemn.  Life is hard when life throws us something we can’t throw back; but hardest when all reason and answers don’t make any difference.  

I see clearly through the rear view mirror… but don’t we all.  My ability to foresee the future is marred by self-doubt, fear. anxiety…..

It isn’t funny but interesting that letting go brings relief but not necessarily right then.  I guess, like when someone dies.  The ones left behind may feel some relief at that time if the person has struggled to live, but given time… that changes.  Sadness comes and sometimes doesn’t leave… I think divorce should be in that same category.  Funny, breakups aren’t but given enough hurt… should be.

I heard that character is built in the darkness, in the alone time… when no one is there, watching.  If so then I would be a superhero (character) and not a cartoon one.  Oh, there are minutes, hours and some days where laughter can still come out.  Smiles too.  I am growing but don’t want to.  I am accepting but only half ways.  I am alive but feel dead, I am lonely but not alone. 

Moving Slow

Grief does funny things to us.  Recognizing the grief itself and then ascertaining what I am truly feeling can be challenging, especially in the middle of it.  Days can still be sad but that only lasts for a few minutes or until I change the thought process.  And boy what a process.

The anger I displayed 2 weeks ago (really?  It seems longer ago than that) has diminished greatly leaving the sadness behind.  The one truth that I still stand on is I did the right thing breaking it off with him and booting him out the night of my birthday.  I won’t relive all of that but it is still pretty raw.

I’m gaining back my singleness these days.   Several trips planned one of which is this weekend.  Camping has always been a feel good for my family with so many good memories that it makes perfect sense to go now.  The fall temps will be cool at night (in the 50’s) and the daytime air about mid 70’s.  I plan on kayaking around the lake; my traveling companion is my sweet sister who has listened, talked to me and most of all kept an understanding presence for me.  Her and my best friend have made a huge difference during the last few months.  I may be moving slow but I am moving.

Who's Journey

Who’s Journey?

That is the question.  Can we truly know what another is thinking or feeling without asking?  In the asking does it settle the question?  No, of course not.  It may be an answer but I have learned that we do not ‘truly’ understand until we have experienced the same life experiences.

Another equally important point is we all process differently.  Acceptance to some may come with many blows to the heart/head, while the same outcome may be produced quickly in others without any suffering, so the question should be, ‘why’?

I am of the life lesson/learned from experience, mindset that loving someone while they are going through a rough ‘patch’ may be all that is needed.  We don’t always get the choice of our directions taking from us before turning left or right.   Hindsight?

What also comes to mind is the judgment given or felt during a dark time.  I suppose others will spread joy or judge whichever they care too.  On the receiving end the later can be hurtful and again, I try not to harm…… try……

So, my journey needs no condemnation; no journey does.  In the quiet desperation of wandering and wondering it came to me that life can’t always be explained and understood.   I had a friend tell me, ‘you can’t explain crazy’.  I am reminded over and over when the question pops up, why?  Knowing the why does not change the outcome.

Along life’s journey we will meet many people and all of us have a story.  Be kind…….You never know what’s being written in yours.

Hello Life..

Hello life.  It’s good to have you back again.  J  Happy days are here again.  J  Let the sunshine… Let the sun shine in the sun shine in…J

I’m breathing today.  Perhaps a tad hopeful, perhaps.  Lord that is a miracle in itself.

I am actually excited to be going on a road trip all by MYSELF!  I have never done that.  My trips have always been with girlfriends or men. (ugh).  I am leaving next week and driving to Gatlinburg TN to stay a few days with an old friend.    I need a break from here.  Not that I’m not ok, because I am… just a change of scenery.  A few laughs maybe a hike to Clingmans Dome.  All of this makes me smile.  After my divorce in 2004 I went there with my sister for a few days.  It snowed; we laughed, romped around and just had a great time.  The leaves won’t be changing yet but the green will be just as nice.  I have actually thought about camping (not this trip) but going alone somewhere.  I have talked about this before but I have never put any serious plan in place.  That is on my bucket list, silly as that may sound.  You see, for me, I am comfortable being alone but enjoy company if it is the right kind.  (wink, wink).  But there is something so calming to me to sit around a campfire, enjoying coffee and then rolling into a sleeping bag… drifting off as the night sounds encompass sweet dreams.  I can do this…. And will … soon.

I sound better.  I am smiling.  The outsides feel better, not all slumped over and teary.  Halleluja !  Do I miss him?  Not the him I saw over the past 4 months.  NOT AT ALL.  Just out of curiosity I went back over some ponderings during the past 6 months.  Certainly telling of where I was, where he wasn’t and how that all changed so quickly.  Never, never, never give your spirit away… NEVER!

A person blasted me the other day about how I was not true to myself and that I had portrayed myself differently and they were disappointed in what I had not been able to accomplish during those miserable months.  Mainly, I suppose, was getting my act together and letting that go.  Well, that is partially true.  But I held on for hope that things would work out.   I see nothing superficial in that.  Nothing pushing against the grain of wisdom they thought I had shared with them.  Only a wonderful woman, who in spite of what they thought, was happy, for a moment…. In Camelot….

So, I heard something the other day that talked about not looking for Mr Right, but allowing God to make us who our authentic selves are supposed to be (what HE made us to be) That is the quest.  So, instead of a love story, make it a life story.  See God never leaves us.  That can’t be said for humans. 

The flow of life continues.

Dirty Well...

How many times can you drink from the same dirty well expecting it to taste better? 

When someone presents themselves one way but acts another… when the true side is exposed

are we surprised or relieved?  Is it a tragedy no to have known?  Do we just turn our heads over

and over hoping what we are experiencing is not happening?  Recently I have had the painful

experience of running right in to the arms of a narcissistic ass.  I do not say that with any

apologies.  It took months to finally say GET OUT OF HERE.    And in the meantime he

has devalued much about me; me floundering trying to right myself but never truly being

able too.   All the while thinking, ‘what  is wrong with me’  like I was imagining all that

destruction.  On the outside they look awesome.  Sweet, intelligent, good looking, smooth talker,

pulling unsuspecting people in and squeezing the life out of them/me.  Incredibly self-serving,

looking back over months of this painful  journey I see all to clearly how tormented I had

become.  How much joy he must have been getting out of this whole ride. 

This entire time suppressing how I felt after being told he is not and may never be in love… with

me.  Denying my feelings out of self-preservation but knowing deep down inside it was there. 

Wishing so many times to hear those words from him… that never came.

Listen closely to how this presented itself.  People that get caught in their web truly are

surprised to find out how deceiving they can be, all the while wondering what is wrong with

themselves. 

This sounds totally bashing to ‘those people’ but it isn’t.  What this is, is a story, nonfiction, all

the events happened… only the names (haha) have been changed.

Why Question..

Why question what has already been?

Why cry when promises have all been a dream?

Why stop the dam of bad and good?

Why wonder; when it is as it should.

Speak out loud those joys and sorrows!

Let go of the whys of tomorrow.

Open your soul to accept and love,

All healing and more from above.

Breathe in the light, exhale the dark!

Extinguish the bad, but light a spark!

Smile at the knowledge of what could be,

Create the life so that others can see.

Bright as the sun, loud as thunder,

Full of excitement; let them all wonder!

Share a secret, whisper it now..

Allowing it to flow somewhere, somehow.

Creating the world as you need it to be

Leaving a footprint for all to see.