It's over.... or is it..

It's over......Or is it?

December 28th. or is it the 27th?  I'm not sure I have been sick since 6:00 on Christmas Eve.  You ask how do I know the hour?  I had a slight sore throat as I walked into church.  Within 30 minutes I had lost my voice.  By later that night I was coughing and wondering what had hit me.  By Xmas morning I managed to get to my daughter's for a few hours and that was it.  I spent the rest of xmas on the couch.  Coughing, feeling awful and worst of all............ no voice.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am lost without my voice or hands, as I suspect most of us are. 
However, by yesterday I demanded this 'flu' be gone (ha! ha!)  I loaded up on meds and managed to get my decorations down.  Later in the day I went out, hit a meeting and thought... 'hey I am over this'  until I walked into walmart.  I started hacking and coughing  and knew that the reason I am able to be up and out is, again,  meds.  cold and cough meds.   ugh!

So, this blog seems to be my 'voice' today...

I am sad to see the holiday's go.  It seems with it gone some of the kindness leaves too.  Why is that?  No more parties, gift swaps, family get togethers and worst of all at least 3 months of dreary days.

Sickness abounded during the week of Christmas.  Daughters family, one at a time got the worst stomach flu I have ever heard of.  Seems it hit my future daughter in law yesterday.  U-G-L-Y....

So, Christmas 2013 is now tucked away.  Gifts put away or returned. And by the way I got some really awesome gifts....

So, it is really cold outside, the coffee is piping hot and this blanket and couch are calling my name... If just for another day.   So much for my vacation.

It's a Wonderful Life

Theme?  Santa hats...
 

I'm not referring to Jimmy Stewart, although I believe we can all use a miracle, don't you?
Christmas is 3 days away.  Of course I am excited of Xmas morning and being with my fantastic grandchildren, my children, son's fiancé and the kids dad.  We are carrying on a tradition mom started when her grandkids were little.  I believe xmas is for kids.  All kids. 

So, this weekend was the "BoXXXXX's" gathering.  Not sure why it is called that since our extended families seem to fill up the place, and growing.  How awesome.  But, alas, the base family unit began with BoXXXXXX. 

I forgot the count, probably 20ish.... So many kids, grandkids..... And some family members that weren't able to make it last year.  My only regret is we did not get a group photo.  Dang it! 

Eating (our favorite thing to do) a few games and lots of laughter and fellowship.  Thank goodness we all get along.  There were times when we didn't.  Times when arguments insued, leaving hurt feelings or angry souls.  Are we beyond that?  I hope so.

In church this month they have asked if there is anyone that has inspired our walk or someone we may want to be a blessing to this week, month than write their name on a slip of paper.  We turn it in and they add it to a paper chain hanging from the stage.  I keep listing the same folks.  :)

Our temps are incredibly out of season.  The high yesterday was 70.  During the night a cold front moved through giving a light show and lots of rain and thunder.  If I wasn't concerned of tornado outbreak, I probably would have slept like a baby.  No!  Not the case.  We (in the south) know all too well the collision of two fronts hitting each other and the affects it causes.  We are not alone.  The news is full of ice, snow, rain, cold, cold cold.  Seems all areas from Texas eastward are affected.  Brother/sis in law are on the road heading north.  Actually we have heard they have arrived... safe.

So, it truly is a wonderful life, and I like it. 

Merry Christmas everyone...

Jj

Floating by or Fleeing from?

Floating by or Fleeing from?

I was reading a meditation this morning and it talked of slowing down.  Spending time daily connecting to ‘whatever’ power/spirit you may.  Not to be taken over by the ‘world’ and all it’s clammering.

While it did not hit me between the eyes (so to speak), it did whisper quietly to me.  How much time do I devote daily to my spiritual life?  I try to read something daily to get my mind focused on truth rather than fiction.  On inward reflection and direction before the car door shuts and life takes off for the day.  But, should it/does it stop when the book closes?  Most days my awareness surprises me; however, the gentle leading shouldn’t.  After all when I am pushing myself on life, it gets messy.  When I allow the flow I am at peace.

Peace, peace on Earth.  Inward peace.  Peace of mind.  So often I find my mind leading me in direction of negativity and without awareness I would be stuck.  A long time ago a lady I knew and I were talking about a guy we both knew.  It was not an inspiring conversation either.  I wouldn’t go as far as calling it bashing, but, well it was.  The next day she called me and said she did not like the way she felt after all we talked about.  Who we talked about.  She asked that going forward we not do that anymore.  I was taken aback by her cander.  I was embarrassed and ashamed vowing never to do that again.  Well that lasted all of a minute (figuratively).  So, as time passed and I continued, at times, to let you know how I viewed another person, that drag on my heart got stronger and stronger.  Is this how I want to live?  Is this constructive?   The answer is apparent.

Here, at the office I find that happening all the time.  He says, and I fall in line.  Like a little soldier.  How pitiful that can be.  Again, the awareness is the key, after all how can I change something I can’t see?  The key here beyond awareness is the willingness to do something different.  And today I want too and will try.  Much better than beating myself up for slacking, the positive change means much more.

December 19^th.  My family gathering is Saturday.  Silly as it sounds once that happens I almost feel the spirit leave.  As if Christmas has come and gone and it hasn’t even arrived yet.  Living in today should help that attitude…………  Practice! Practice! Practice………….

 

Next week I will begin on Xmas eve a 5 day staycation (if you will).  Doing nothing, doing something, doing whatever.  It doesn’t happen often that I have that many days in a row off.  I am so looking forward to it.  Of course the goal during that time is the decorations.  Down they will come and boxed up for next year.  But this is about Today!

Tonight I will go with son and his fiancé to a living xmas tree production at a  local church.  I haven’t been before but hear it is awesome.  Looking forward to spending time with them as well.

 

Enjoy!  Today may be all we get..

Am I the only one?

Am I the ONLY one?

I shut down during the holidays for several years following my divorce.  Several being 5 or 6.  I cried anytime I was in a store and they began to play the carols I loved, as it only reminded me of my loss and that I was truly single (alone).

A couple of years ago I began to emerge from this self-imposed exile (if you will).  I put up a tree for the first time, and tried to get excited.  The following year it got better until now.  Well actually even last year I was excited for the holidays.  Don’t ask me what had changed other than my sadness had begun to dissipate.  My loneliness and anger were being overcome by gratitude.  This year is no different unless you count that I’m even happier.  I loved decorating my condo.  Outside lights and all.  I even put up my little villages.  Every night I just sit and admire the twinkling lights and know that I have come so far.

So, here it is the 16^th of December.  In a little over a week this season of good tidings will be nearly over.   I’m not ready.  I love shopping, Christmas music, hustle and bustle… ALL of it!

I think one of the reasons I hate to see it go is having something to look forward to.  The frivolity of parties and gatherings of friends and family.  This week alone I am attending a church activity, a xmas party of dear friends and Saturday my family will gather at MY place.  MINE.  That hasn’t happened in so long. 

Now, in the realization of MY happiness lie many others that struggle during this time.  Either depression or desperation.  No money or no family or both.  Struggling to find the means to give just a small item to their children.  The children orphaned and left at shelters.  The elderly that no longer have anyone to come see them.  There are so many people that just can’t get excited over a season when that season means much more negative than anything.

And then I am reminded of what we are truly celebrating.  At church yesterday the pastor danced around with children laughing at the joy of knowing that Christ was born this month.  That our JOY is in His birth not all the other “stuff”.  I know that.  I also understand that to overlook that means we are so full of ourselves that we think more of ourselves than the BABY JESUS.    

So, as I observe all of the musings, I am reminded why we are all here.  Thank you Jesus!!!! 

You certainly are my savior and many others. 

Even if you don’t believe in Jesus, then the jolly old fat man should help you with this season.

 

 

 

December 16, 2013

A broken heart, a heart broken

There was a time that I just didn't have the ability (nor did I realize it) to truly love another human being without wanting something in return.  I know.  Truly sad.  That has changed.... and that love includes the good and the sad.

My heart breaks for a friend of mine.  Someone I have sat together in our circle for 8 years and watched each other struggle, listened to each other, encouraged one another.  And then BAM!  I was so sad for her last night.  I saw the pain in her face, I heard the incredible agony in her voice; all I could do was listen.  I suppose, at times, that is the best we can offer. 

Married for almost 30 years.  Not always great, but committed to children, and nearing retirement age.... things begin to change.  But nothing could have prepared her....... 

Leaving email open she finds a disturbing and truly life changing exchange between husband and 'old' female friend.  And it was graphic.  Devastation doesn't come close to describing what this has done.  I am not sure, but finding out that way is like being in the same room..... her visual is painted by the words written, leaving little to imagination.

All her dreams are blasted!  She told me that through thick (and there have been plenty) and thin they always remained committed to each other and raising their children.  Now that main thread has been frayed. 

So, there I sat, listening as her tears told more than her words and I could not hold mine back.  She seemed so defeated, so small..

I turn the mirror on myself.  Someone that had a sickness so deep that fidelity wasn't a word in my dictionary.  I have long since changed my ways, but how many lives were affected by actions of a self absorbed, drunk, self hating individual?  Changing lanes I can say I would not even consider anything close to that behavior today.  Or yesterday for that matter.  But I was shown how actions rip lives apart... 

Her life will heal as her trust in God shows her how to forgive or at least breathe through, what could be the turning point in the lives of 4 people..... Add 1 more to that........ what a vision into my future.  One that will never include encroaching on another's life........

Coffee and Warmth

Cold, rainy and 32degrees.   Yes, winter is here. 

As I sit here this morning coming to terms with the weather on the weather's terms, I decide to take a break and not go out this morning.  Instead I took time to do what I needed to take care of....  laundry, coffee, trash, coffee, bed making, coffee..... you get the point.

Did shopping for xmas yesterday.  Although it is fun, and the crowds are plenty, I trapsied to store after store.  Finding what was asked for by my precious grandkids.  Long gone are the days of toy cars, baby dolls..... to say I miss those days would diminish where they are today.  Teens or almost.  Electronics have taken place of puzzles and board games.  Although there will be one more bike bought, it will probably be the last.  Yes, that saddens me. 

I have written many many passages about the man child.  From screwed up to fixed up.  A true miracle.  Well we need another one.  Someone I love very much needs help.  Although they may have that external side that smiles and says, 'i'm fine"  I know better.  I have told them so.  They have lost 2 relationships recently due to excessive drinking.  Perhaps the lonliness is too much.  Maybe the loss of a child overshadows all they know.  God I know life happens when we surrender and how I wish/pray they will see that.  Right now,  they can't hear.  Too many chances being taken with health, safety and emotions. 

I am truly happy today. Inside the life I almost lost flourishes and thrives.  I hope it shows on the outside.  Sure, there are things still needing tweeked (no pun intended)  but I tell myself keep living.  Keep loving, keep giving. 

Loving those that seem unloved.  Caring for those who push everyone away.  Come on......Everyone.... we got to get together now....  

  Part of a childhood memory.  Elementary years spent here.  Awesome.

Saturday and Service & Unfortunately Suffering

Bitter cold Saturday morning.  33 degree's with windchill's much colder.  Brrrr.
In about an hour the Monday Night Manna woman will load up vans full of food boxes and head out to a local housing for older people.  Through bitter cold we "get" to show love and tenderness to those that can't get out or don't have family for help or perhaps just lonliness as they sit daily as the world passes by.  Will the cold matter, sure it will.  Will it change our direction and stay indoors, NO.  Here we come.... :)

On a different light I had a horrible night.  Frightened by pain that wouldn't allow me to raise my head without major pain in my neck.  I tried and tried to get comfortable during a fit full night of some sleep.  Got up at 1am and took some Aleve.  Somehow I managed to sleep better till early this morning.  Sitting here right now as I lean to the left and right with my head it is obvious this is not going away anytime soon.  The dose pack the doctor gave me earlier in the week has not diminished this pain AT ALL.  I realize with people dying, hungry, homeless, jobless that my neck pain is nothing to complain about.   But it is part of who I am right now.  Hopefully the day will give me some relief.  Hopefully because we have over 200 boxes to load and deliver.

Nelson Mandela died earlier this week.  What a life legacy he leaves behind.  We should all aspire to be a man so dedicated to bettering the world we ALL live in.  He fought, suffered and won through his 95 years on this earth.  I'm sure God said to him, "job well done"...

He was sent to prison for 25 years............ All for trying to change the oppression in Africa.  There is a song, 'Abraham, Martin and John"  Perhaps we should add "Nelson" to that.
So, Lincoln, King, Kennedy and Mandela keep our hearts in the direction of change.  To understand we are all of the same maker.  Love one another and stop making a system that delineates classes.  God sees ALL men/woman as the same.  Why can't we?

Happy December 7th.  Uh oh.  Today is Pearl Harbor day and what would have been the birthday of my brother's oldest son who died in 2010. 

Celebrate or hate?  Love or Oppress?  Live or die.......

Calendars.........................

Calendars?   But Why?

It is the best time of the year.  Hey, make that the most wonderful time of the year and all of a sudden I hear Johnny Mathis singing…

I am thrilled, albeit overwhelmed to know that I have to keep a calendar (especially at this time of year) to make sure I am where I am supposed to be when I am supposed to be.  Well something just got added and when I pulled up the entire month of December it was full!  Awesome….

I am planning on making a huge dent in shopping this weekend.  I may be broke on Monday but having that out of the way just gives me more time to enjoy the rest of the season.  Amen, amen.

Saw an awesome play at church last night.  The Forgotten Carols.  Really done well.  Broadway players… With the exception of how cold it was in the auditorium.  I wanted to curl up in my chair… brrrr.

So, checking MY list; invites to family members for our gathering.. check..  Shopping begun.. check..  Thought put into all gifts.. check.  Menu for gathering.. check check.  Xmas cards mailed.. check, check, check.  All the decorations done… Yes, Yes….Relax your half way there.  Where?  Done.  Done?   There ya go again, making this about a chore, a race, than an eventful season to be enjoyed.  Whew!  Glad you caught that one.

Tomorrow morning several vans will load up 400 boxes of food and deliver them to a bunch of needy folks.  That just makes my day!  Not just to be of service, but to know that someone is getting what they need.  They always appreciate our deliveries.  Yesterday it was 70+ degrees out.  Today it is rainy and a chilly 40.  Tomorrow a.m. it is supposed to be in the 30’s.  Delivery will keep us warm.

After that, and the shopping excursion, I plan on staying in.  Playing carols, maybe cooking.  Reading the latest book I checked out of the library…. Or doing nothing.  My time, my time.

Sad news; a guy that went to school with me died on Sunday.  Now, we hear more and more of classmates dying.  We are in our mid fifties, which isn’t old but hey, we are mortal.  His passing has hit me hard.  Just a good soul.  He killed himself out of fear of being a burden to his family.  Seems he had known for sometime that his health was failing.  I can not imagine what his family is going through.  Death is so permanent.  How we leave can leave an imprint that is worse than death.  In this case…. That probably will never leave his family.  BUT!  No judgment just concern.

 

To end of a happy note:  All about me and my feelings:  Today all is good.  All the puzzle pieces are where they are supposed to be.  I am at peace……… with myself….. which is the hardest things to come by…. For me. 

 

12/6/13

And so the mad rush begins..

And so the mad rush begins.  The over spending (or frustration of not being able to spend), the hustle and bustle of gatherings, mailings, wrappings……..And why?

I had a thought this morning on my quiet ride to work.  If I/we give with love then our expectation should be just that.  Love.  If the giving (or not) is out of a ‘have to’ then what good is that?  With 4 grandchildren, my spending is directed at their lists.  Children next and so on.  Gifts gets smaller but what difference does that make?  I am of the mindset that if I can and it is a request within reason, then I shall turn over every rock to find that gift.

Online shopping has been so convenient.  But I feel like I am missing out on that ‘crowd’ issue so many rant about.  If I go ‘out’ with a mindset of, yes there will be lines, yes there will be screaming kids… I could go on but the point being it’s our frame of mind that causes the discomfort inside.  This weekend I hope to complete 90% and give it a big Hurrah!

On a different note someone close to me is so near the edge that I fear for them.  Whenever I see them I can see the decline and want so badly to say ‘look at what is going on’ but I keep my mouth shut.  That scares me too.  The what if’s are bad enough but turning a blind eye is probably not the solution.  I have been molded by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of others business.  And I do for the most part.  But this is truly upsetting.  They don’t think they need help nor do they want to stop the behavior.  The losses will begin to pile up; let’s hope it isn’t too late.

Another body part goes down.  In the summer I began to have neck pain.  You know you wake up in the morning and have a stiff neck but go about your business anyway.  I was on the treadmill several different times and just felt that ache on the left side.  But again, I would just brush it off.  Until a few weeks ago.  Bam!  Not an injury but a pain shot down my neck into my back.  I nursed it and nursed it.  Held back at the gym if I went at all.  Everything seemed to bother it.  I bought a heat pack and applied it whenever I could.  Some nights I would get up several times and heat it back up and try to go back to sleep with the neat penetrating the painful area.  I say area because I can’t put my finger on the pain.  But I know where it is coming from.   I figured it was radiating from another area.  Anyway.  I was goofing off with the grandkids this past weekend playing Wii bowling.  Uh huh I turned after getting a strike and bam!  The pain took me down.  I was out for the count. 

I finally called the doctor on Monday after not being able to move my neck pain free all weekend.   After x-ray and some hands on, he determined it to be advanced arthritis.  Well that doesn’t surprise me.  So, prednisone for a few days and PT.   Return appt in January. 

So, I spill it all again as if I have a cyber-friend that listens intently.  But, it is my way of weeding through the noise in my head.

It is a warm muggy day in the south with cold air moving in.  Hopefully that won’t produce any tornados.  Fingers crossed.

 

Enjoy today, it truly is all we have…………

 

 

12/05/13

A little yuck and lots of thanksgiving

First off, I do not like nor ‘do’ change well.  Below is a perfect example:

While grateful  to have a new laptop, I am less than enamored with windows 8…. Hard as heck to maneuver, made for touch screens and tried to get it to be friendly with all other computer devices. 

I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones.  I have been slowly trying to adapt since September.  One day it seems ok, the next there is nothing friendly about it.  Without bashing this any further (since I am sure you have the point) I found a ‘fix’ in installing windows 8.1    So, I did.  

Listen, my mouse pad quit taking commands.  I could not close any programs.  It was awful  and making matters worse is my a) lack of knowledge and b) desire to find out how to work around this. 

This morning, out of frustration, I reset my computer back to factory settings.  The only thing left in tact was my photos or any other files I had stored.

So, I did not throw out my laptop like I threatened to do last night.  Not sure if all will be well tonight, but there is always hope.

Hope………….  This thanksgiving I believe all that sit at the table with my children will feel.  And prayerfully say that “T” will be here next year.  His chemo is going ok (if that is possible).  He is on his 3^rd round, skipping every other week.  So, this being a chemo week, I hope  he will feel like eating with us. My granddaughter has a tradition with her pawpaw that she spends the night b4 Thanksgiving with him.  Helping prepare dressing and other goodies.  The other day she quietly mentioned that it won’t be the same anymore.  I could feel her sadness.  I had to look away to keep from crying.  She seems like an old soul at times, at only 13.

So, swallowing hard and praying to God that we ‘get’ another chance to gather around the table blessed with all the goodies made with love;  our family will survive and my grandchildren will always know how loved they are.

 

 

Hustle and Bustle....... Happy Holidays!

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christimas…………………………………. Doesn’t it all run together?

What to wear, what to cook, what to buy?  Too many options, even for a simple gal like me…

Going through boxes of decorations last weekend I became excited at the thought of outside decorations…. More space for a true ‘decorated’ holiday feel.  Do I share (again) that I haven’t really decorated for many years.  Well until a few years ago, and that was just putting up a tree.  But, it’s on now… And I am ready! 

When I say ‘ready’ I suppose that encompasses several areas.  I mean financially, Xmas is stressful.  Emotionally,  better than the last 9 years.  All my ducks being in a row includes my children/grandchildren being ok, which it appears they are!  I believe (not being a scrooge though) it is a good time to teach the kids that to give to help others is what we are here to do.   At church they do a shoebox for children ministry.  Meaning you choose the age and sex of a child and buy accordingly.  But, everything is supposed to fit in a shoebox.  One that you wrap up.  These get sent to 3^rd world countries for children that don’t have anything.  Nothing.  So, this weekend my granddaughter and I will set out to fill a box.  I’d like to do one with each g-kid but time got away from me.   So, one will have to do.

As the ‘host’ of the family xmas gathering, I chose to have a Santa Hat theme.  I thought it would be fun to decorate our hats with our own personality, indicative of our personality, our likes.  How fun is that!

Miss Sydney and I will tackle her’s this weekend too.  Hopefully the other 3 will have time to get theirs done too. 

Saw ‘r’ last night.  Yes, another battle.  Not physically nor emotionally.  Spiritually.  This is not what I am supposed to be doing.  Nor is it something I want to do.  He is my drug.  I let go for a day, a week and then go back.  I pray without ending for help.  I am so powerless to stop.  He isn’t mean to me, he is kind, generous and frankly if I wasn’t so convicted to do what is right. I would just keep going. 

‘M’ is getting married.  Sometime next year.  She is a great person and he is certainly choosing well.  They seem perfect for each other.  I am beyond words for this and all that has changed in him/for him in the last 18 months.  If there isn’t a God then someone is certainly watching out for him.  Wow!  What a transformation.

So, Thanksgiving is next week.  Black Friday has been moved up even more.  Stores opening at 6:pm on Thanksgiving day.  Where is the family time going too?  I mean we eat, we visit, perhaps nap but shop?  Not in the past.  I think of the employees of those stores that open.  How awful for them.  Society dictates when we open, close etc.  24 hours a day seems to be the norm these days.  BUT leave our holidays alone…….

So, no deep ponderings today.  Quiet-ness of the afternoon and I sure am enjoying that. 

Here is the deal……………………………………

 

Jj

That Inner 'tug'

That inner ‘tug’ if you will.  That inner ‘voice’ some call it.  That inner ‘leading’.  God conscious… is what I call it.   How do we/did I get there?   Pain baby, pain!  Crazy to say that but how else would I throw caution to the wind and let it fly!

In the beginning (early sobriety) I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going.  I was being led by someone that had gone before me, someone that understood the fear I was experiencing.  And believe me, there was plenty to go around.  It is written (dear lord that sounds like a line from Fiddler on the Roof HA!) in our big book (AA) it tells us exactly what to do with fear.  What to do with any of our ‘mess’ and that which comes afterwards.  The woman that guided me, exposed my world to the necessary steps to find peace in a world full of anything but!  As skeptical as this gal was, I was even more so filled with anger and resentment galore.  With no where to put them, they stayed inside and came out in the oddest of ways.  And boy was it not pretty. 

But, I began with that ‘still small voice’ leading me/you/us in a direction that lacks our attention but certainly needs our cooperation.  It is also written that if we are still blocked from that ‘voice’ by our own issues that keep us from that voice, we should share that, give it to that ‘power’ and continue moving.  I did that.  Piece by piece of my world, complete with the things I thought I could never live with or without.

Life gets better and bigger.  But I must keep that channel open.  What blocks it- is the stuff that makes me drink or worse.  Without proper ‘tools’ if you will.. I am at the mercy of my own screwed up thinking and actions.  How insane is that?  Yup, that is what I thought too!

Lighthearted as this sounds, it certainly was not during that time.  Nor is it today when I feel beat up by ‘life’.  But, over and over I am reminded that I signed up for sober living; and what I got is sober thinking.  Most of the time.

If, in doubt, I pause (yup, from that book) allowing that millisecond of time get between me and my mouth or my angst; I have found I am less likely to have more of an emotional mess, some of which I have to clean up. 

So, in the stillness of the night, or the quietness of the morning  OR the craziness of my day, if I stop (pause) and ask……. I find being led by the spirit of the universe brings me the peace I always desired. 

Here a blog, there a blog....

When i was getting sober/clean I was shown some sober blogs online.  I fell in love with several and totally enjoyed reading their intimate details of their daily lives.  It gave me hope for mine.  They walked parallel lives with me and i felt connected.
One of my favorite bloggers has decided after 15 years she is calling it quits.  It saddened me but hey, we all stop sooner or later.  I learned so much from her.
I do realize that mine blog began as a sober musings.  Daily doings.  Family Focus.  Darn near anything i wanted to write about , i did.  But then it did become old. Old as in who is going to read my 'stuff'.  I wanted my blog to be about 'breathing through a sober life' and it has taken some heavy curves. 
So, i'm not going anywhere (at least for now) but hopefully i will steer myself back to what excites me.  SOBER living, thinking, breathing. 

I think sometimes the more you talk about something the bigger it gets and sometimes bigger can be good. 

I read a cooking blog that is so entertaining.  But, for me, mine is just a gal trudging the road, one day as a time.

Joy is truly something that exudes from folks that love who they are, where they are and what they do.

Joy.   I love it!

Happy Halloween

It's the great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  All Hallowee's Eve.  Mischief's night.  and of course  Halloween. 
Today, in the south it is rainy and pretty blustery (awe that makes me think of winnie the poo).
Our yellow, brown and orange leaves are being blown around as if they had no better place to be.
Forecast is not looking good for any young ghouls out later today.  What a shame since I have 4 grandkids that may want to wander around collecting goodies.
This brings me to a place in time where fall was my favorite time of the year and Halloween was the icing on the cake.  I absolutely loved the changing of the leaves, which, up north was spectacular-even as a kid.  The cooler temps and the beginning of the holiday season.
A couple of great memories surrounding the Halloween spirits.
My aunt and uncle lived beside a graveyard  (oooh  spooky).  so one halloween we went to their house in full costume.  So, my uncle had a tractor hooked up to a cart full of hay.  So, we were loaded up onto this cart and off we went.  Now, we ended up driving through the cemetary.  Of course it was dark and I was about 8 at the time, maybe 9 but certainly gullable.  Especially when he said oh, oh.  we are out of gas and don't you know it was smack dab in the middle of the cemetary and pitch dark.  So, he pretends to walk back to the house to get gas.  I am freaked out since i had a terrible fear of the dark anyway.  What we/i didn't realize is he had snuck back around and hid behind some trees until we got good and scared and boo!  He jumps out and bellows with laughter.  That is a great memory for me even 50 or so years later. 
Another thing that seemed to be a big deal was mischief night.  I was too young to participate in the "mischief" but remember my mom opening our front door to find our trees were covered in toiletpaper.  That was the first time i had ever heard of such a thing.  Again, another memory....

So, as time passed and the times have gotten scarier, our children's children will no longer fully get the fun of the night.  Skip this house, don't eat unwrapped candy....... isn't that sad.

One more thing before I wish you all a Happy One; when my children were small we took them to the neighbors for a few treats.  One of the neighbors we had known for years had opened her door to the kids yelling 'trick or treat'.  while we (the parents) were busy watching the treat giver, I looked at the picture window in the livingroom.  Huh!  There was a costume just like one of my kids.... no wait!  That is my child..............  He had wandered past the arm of the candy giving lady and politely looked out the window at US!

Happy Halloween everyone.

And for a "treat"  here is the gang after we fought the zombie's and won!

Life...... never ending.

Life just keeps showing up.  It is how we chose to ride it out that defines our days, weeks……

People get sick.  People die.  Facts.  Not that we have to like it, and unless you are heartless- you understand those circumstances hurt.  My precious children are in the middle of that season in their lives.  Their father has been diagnosed with cancer.  They did surgery yesterday to remove a section of his colon that included a tumor.  He will be in the hospital for about a week.  The continuation of his health is the cancer has already spread.  Lungs, liver, abdomen.  So sad.  My daughter said to me last night, ‘mom I’m not ready for this to be happening’.  We never are sweetie, never!   She springs to action so quickly all the while her poor emotions are building up until POW!  Secondly, my son, who has long had a pretty hard relationship with his dad, just sits stoically listening but saying nothing.  Denial, maybe.  Worst of all are the grandkids.  They adore their pawpaw.  Since they have come along his home has been a streaming of spend the nights, weekends, weeks.  Whatever he could do.  Amusement parks, movies, anything they wanted.  He is the sole provider of the big entertainment that goes on with them.

They will be devastated.  Not to mention they are so young.  I don’t want their lives to be marred by the sadness of this situation.    But, this is out of my control.  I will be here to pick up the pieces of scattered hearts.

So, let me bore you one more time.  Major meltdown over work, again.  The woman that steers me back to sanity pointed out a very important detail.  My boss is my boss.  NOT my friend.  Even if asked do not give any information out.  They don’t care.  Nor should I expect them too.  Now this isn’t all bosses.  I have had one of the/ scratched that; THE best I could ever hope for.  So, I have seen both ends of this spectrum.  So, my truths may not always come through clear enough for me to see… at that moment.   But when shown, I swallow hard and accept the facts.  I won’t bash the facts either, but rather move towards some kind of acceptance to be able to live resentment free…………… or close to it.

So, another breathing lesson for me.  And thank God I can see it and acknowledge it…………. 

So, right at this moment………….. this very moment………………. All my needs are being met……….  I must remember that……………

The past is taking over the present

The past is taking over the present.

This is hard.  Truly hard.  I have written about “m” who finally got to confront the evil one from his childhood (who happened to be a short lived marriage for me) about a week ago.  Since then it has become increasingly difficult for me.  That may sound really selfish but it is my story and that is my truth.  I have been barraged by the father of “m” and how I put him in harms way.  That I  did not do what I should to have protected “m”.  That I KNEW what was going on……………………………..

Yesterday “m” called and said this has been transferred to our area for the investigators to review.  That I may be in trouble for covering up these allegations.  Are you kidding me?  WTH!  Out of one breath he stated to his dad, ‘if this means mom is in trouble then I won’t pursue this’.  Me?  So I talked to “m” and asked was he worried?  His response was “I don’t care who goes to jail for this!”  I was heartbroken to say the least.  I am not worried in the least about my part but just the merry-go-round of emotions for him,the rest of the family and I is a little overwhelming.

I made really poor choices my entire life.  This marriage was short lived but one that I truly regret.  For so many reasons.  However, with all of this coming out I am slapped with how truly damaging that 2 year period in our lives was and is.

I want to talk to ‘m” and just try to get him to see that it took me some time to walk away but never in a million years did I think he was being harmed in the capacity it was.  NEVER!

Now, I am coming to terms with this on my own terms.  I see the truth but know that everyone remembers things differently.  “m” sees from the eyes of a 4 year old.  How terribly sad is that?

Not to sound all pitiful because the true miracle here is that “m” was able to face that giant.  From here the recovery ball is in his court.  He has stated he does not need counseling.  He is 32 and makes his own choices.

On a lighter note we are celebrating 3 birthdays this weekend.  My oldest granddaughter will be 14, the twins will be 11.  Where has time gone? 

I am so grateful to be ‘present’ for such occasions today.  That is truly a gift from God.

I am in awe of my son

I am in awe of my son.  The one that was homeless and running wild a few years back.  The one that tried to end his pain in a dark hotel room in the spring of 2012.  I have referred to him as my ‘man child’ but now I do believe that will stop.  He is not a child.  And probably more of a man than some ‘men’ I know.

Here is the story:  28 years ago  I was married to an abusive idiot.  2 years and I had to get away.  But not before serious damage had happened to my children, especially “M”.  Lets fast forward because that hurt that I allowed (willingly or not) has been brought up again, and in a huge way.

I want to say that I believe in a God so powerful that He gives us the rope to hang ourselves or grace to stay alive.  But it is our choice which one we choose.  Thank God “M” had enough and asked for that grace to keep him alive and more than that, to get his life together.

So, yesterday I get a text from my son informing me that the abusive x is in line in front of him at a local eatery.  His text said, I’m going after him.  What transpired from there went something like this;

M approached this evil person and asked if he was XXX.  Of course the ass said yes.  M proceeds to tell him who HE is and that he remembers what he did to him.  Evil person denies even know my son but he didn’t let that stop him.  He asked if he is still molesting little boys.  He got in his face and said I remember everything.  The evil one was shaking and nervously twitching.  The final words were by M, ‘my pain will heal, my anger may subside but how do YOU live with You!”  

There was more to the story but this is the most important part.  Finally that small child that never hurt anyone was able to stand before the monster that I had allowed in our lives so long ago and say,  I’m grown now lets take this outside. 

I am so very proud of M.  I am in awe of the God that I spoke of.  The One that gives us the power to move through scary situations.  Heals our pain.  Fills the void that so many of us can’t do ourselves.

Now, as proud and happy I am of all that M has walked through I want to throw in my part.  I guess I held it together yesterday because the most important person here was M, not me.  But this morning it hit me so hard.  All the memories flowed back in.  Beat me up.  Threw the blame at me and I was physically sick.  I started crying and became hysterical.  How could I have allowed this to happen.  How awful I am for not holding that little boy so close that no one could hurt him, or allowing years to go by and only see the defiance in M, not the fear.  How could I?  I could not hold it together any longer.

So, my heart is happy that M got to stand up to the monster.  But it is also so down for why he had to do it in the first place.

But!  This post is not just about  yesterday, or long ago.  It is about the God that got M through that and hopefully will allow me to come to terms with my part of this.  Today my prayer is that we all heal.  And most of all that God took something so awful and when HE was ready he put that man in the path of my man and it was powerful. 

Thank you God!

 

 

New Books, New Month, New Attitude………………

New Books, New Month, New Attitude………………

Ok, it’s September!  That in itself is such a great month, isn’t it?  The air begins to shift to a tad cooler at night.  Football season begins (and in Alabama that means a huge rivalry).   And we say goodbye to summer, which normally would be great due to heat and humidity, but our heat krept in last week.  How crazy is that?  Hopefully it won’t stay.

Several books came recommended by my therapist, (I know, I know.  Stop taking my temp!)  no boring details here, but I started the first (both being workbooks) this morning.  The will both require total honesty AND giving them time!  Meaning don’t sit down and just write a bunch of nothing!

I reminded her I am a task master and given a set of guidelines I can follow them to a ‘T’.  And I expect too.  But!  I will give this new group (therapy!  Good Grief) a 4 week chance.  See how skeptical I can be.  I’m dried up on all this “self help, their help” stuff.  But!  I will follow through,,,, for now.

So, my last entry is “new attitude”.  Do I have one?  Yes.  Does it have to do with ………………….  Never mind.  What difference does it make.  For today (remember, that is all we have, right?) my ducks are aligned.. tee hee. 

 Family will always be family.  We had our end of summer cookout/swimming.  Not everyone could show up but those that did increased my joy, that is for sure.  Only 2 of my precious gkids went.  We have 1 nursing a torn ACL and the other did not want her to feel left out so she stayed home too.  Syd now plays in the band, as such she marches during ½ time at the HS football games.  I am so proud of her…

 

 

 

 

Trust the process……………………

Progress, not perfection……….

Trust the process……………………

Yadda Yadda Yadda……………….. 

I always write in first person.  I never refer to what “you” should do, I mean honestly, how would I know.  I tell this to woman I sponsor, I share what has worked and you have to find your own way.  That is what this post is about.  Finding my way.

I saw my therapist last night.  We discussed many things.  I went in feeling hopeless and left knowing someone else knew what I was going through.

We talked about trusting the AA program and the people that had gone before us.  And I did/do.  But I have seen my own results now.

We talked about many other things that we have watched others go through and seen them come out the other end.  We knew something worked.

So, where am I today?  I am trying to keep this generic.   Lets start with, if you never knew, you never knew. 

If you can define the problem, commite to a solution,   and then trust the process.

She reminded me that I am staying sober so the ‘program’ must be working.  Ok, I’ll buy that.

So, now we (i) have to relearn some serious behaviors or reactions to things around me.  (generic enough?)   Trust, trust, trust.

As I always say, what do you have to lose?

I’m in cause I have a lot to lose, just in my immediate future.  Job, kids, friends.   The way I have been lately I feel certain they don’t want to see me coming.  (joke, strictly a joke).

So, hang on…………. This may get bumpy!

 

Happy to See some Improvement

This has been a hard week.  Another run through the depression bs.  I found myself on my bedroom floor this morning, sobbing and wondering will this ever end?!

I decided to keep a journal daily about how I feel/what is going on, to see if there is a pattern.  Something tangible I can take to my therapist to see if she sees something I don’t.   I don’t know what is going to happen.  I cannot trust my emotions and frankly, they are beginning to scare me.

As I said, I want to keep a log (if you will) to see how often this happens.  All I know is the ups and downs are wearing me out.  :)

Anyway the point to this rambling is that this morning I looked for a small notebook I began in January 2005.  Not daily, but as often as I could I made an entry.  So, I flip through it and oh the misery inside.  I could feel the pain of the writer and wanted to cry.  Just what I needed on a day where nothing is making sense.  Of course 99% was about RJ and my marriage.  As I scanned page after page I was saddened by the words written by a woman so broken.  So, what started out as an emotional morning, started to change while reading her own words.  I was struck by the reality that I had truly come a long way.    That really gave me a shift in my emotions.  So, perhaps re-reading some of those pages was meant to be.

So, I will end here.  While the smile is on my face……   I’m not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be.