Life isn't always fun and games

What a concept…….. what is best for Jackie.  Not what she wants; what is best.

I do not think I have come to this place ever before, I must admit… it scares me because at this time it means letting go of something, someone that I love.  Someone that I gave all of me to only to watch the relationship dissolve beyond repair.  He still contacts me occasionally and has asked to have dinner with me IF I can do that, meaning will it hurt me.  Well I immediately took it to God… along with hurry, hurry I need to know; when all I was begging for was hope.  I began to cry.  The hope I have is that Jesus will see me through this time.  Only Jesus will never leave, always love me no matter how screwed up I am.  While I talked to Him after he asked to go to dinner what came to my heart was…. What is best for Jackie?   It startled me as I do not recall ever thinking that.  Only what will best suit the needs she demanded at that moment.  I caught my breath.

The world, the universe, The Lord, knows how I feel; He knows how I hurt.  Every prayer request I have sent up I have either been able to stand up and walk on or I have been left in a puddle of tears and it gets confusing at best.  Or does it?   I felt in my heart that I already have the strength… what?  Really?  That comes from the greatest giver of all, God.

Will I tap into that unlimited resource and grow from my choice to remain prayerful, or will I shut down all sensibility and move on my own accord?  Sounds so easy… 

I have acted on self-will my ENTIRE life and it has ended with people hurt all over the place including ME.  Am I willing to run the show or step back?  I stay in constant prayer but do I really listen?  This has taught me the later…. And then some.  I do not want the pain and sadness to be my cloak I wear forever.  I want to heal and not come back.  How do I do that?  Better yet, help me God to allow your grace to cover the painful but truthful decisions.  All along I have asked that S come back.  That he realize how much he misses and wants me.  All along I have not let that go.

What is best for me?  To never walk away from God again.  To remain in his presence with expectancy and joy.  I keep reading so many bible teachings now I am walking in those verses and I’m afraid but holding on to God’s promises. 

I saved his last message and mine.  Can we meet for dinner?  I’m not strong enough.  I still want him too much.  When you are ready?  I’m not there and may never be.  I told him that (to the best of my memory) I would have to give that some thought.  He said ok, he will (a)wait my answer..  My answer is deep within me.  Not now.  Not now.  Not now.  I truly am not at that place.  I turned back to the texts to reread the conversation, hit save and then hit delete for the other messages.  It took his away too.   I panicked… I looked through my phone, frantically searching for it as if I was looking for a lost pet or child.  Oh no, I began to sweat, stomach jumped up and down, heart beat racing.  What the heck am I going to do I can’t remember his number.  Help!  Help!

God doing for me what I can’t do?  I don’t know, but I do know this.. I am so used to pushing my truth down further and futher that I have lost me.  He hasn’t.  He remains the same and I am lost.  I choked on my truth as it made its way to the surface.   It is not in my best interest… not now and probably not soon down the road.

As the angst began to subside I remembered a number that could be his so of course.. I wrote it down.  Little by little I am squeezing myself dry of this emotionally draining part of self.  I know also, that I have his email IF I truly found myself wanting to contact him.  The last think I will write is this:  As I cried over this, as I sat in silence and in the fear of letting go… my true self and my Jesus self-met if only for a moment and as I stood up  and took another breath I wiped the tears away…

Life can hurt

Life can hurt.  I hurt.  Does it matter why?  HOw?  Does it matter what the facts are?  No.  Hurt is hurt.  I am in the process of a detachment from a relationship that has been so powerful, joyful and most of all, I thought  A God Thing.... How could I have been so wrong?  Or was I?  Was I ready for a relationship and he wasn't?  These are questions that may never be answered.  I hurt, i'm angry, just reeling from a 'what happened?'

So, my posts may stop until I can manage to post family, life without him and healing.  i'm afraid that anything too soon may end up sounding beyond sad.

On a different note.  I celebrated another milestone in my recovery.  After the blip after my 4 year bday, I began again and on the 7th I picked up my 4th and prayerfully my last 4 year medallion.  I'm grateful that the relapse (pain meds not drinking) after knee surgery was quick and I was able to see the writing on the wall.  For that I am extremely grateful.

It's July, hot and no sign of rain.  I can't help but think about Steve and all the mini trips we took.  I truly am devastated. 

Still Learning

When I began this blog I thought how breathing through life circumstances had  been difficult for me.  Think of a child holding their breath.  Maybe not to get my way (well that too) but fear that I couldn't move beyond (fill in the blank).  That was several years ago. 

I am still learning and I suppose that I will be until the day I die.  Perhaps that isn't always a hurtful or bad thing.  I have learned so much about myself over the past years.  Sober living isn't always fun or even easy, but the alternative scares the hell out of me.

So, breathing through the stuff I create in my life (good or bad) and the rest.... dipped in titles like 'new boyfriend', 'new place to live', 'grandchildren'.... you get the point... Hopefully.

I have been off the beam and on the beam so many times since Feb 27th that I am almost amazed that I am still breathing.  I have written, cried and rejoiced over 'him'.  He remains but my resolve is waning.  Daily I say to God..........HERE this hurts too much or THANK YOU for bringing him into my life.  Unfortunately this is not a comfortable place that I am but I am working through my stuff, which is not easy.

Today, 4 years ago I picked up a white chip (surrender).  something I did not think would ever happen and then boom!  Here I was after picking up a 4 year medallion and a few weeks beyond I am stuck in a pain pill nightmare.  Thankfully that turned around quickly and now... ego in my back pocket I shall venture in front of my AA peers and say.... this program works...

Man child and wife will have a little boy in November.  It's been a rough ride for those two and continues to create strife which breaks my heart for them. 

I am once again living alone.  I had a couple of family members here for a few months, which I loved.  It felt good to have other voices here and someone I could take my fears/joys to.

So, to end on a positive note..... I will walk forward with or without 'S' and know that hurt only lasts as long as I allow it.  Breathing through all of life's twists and turns still is a challenge but I am relying on that power that got me sober and continues to restore me on a daily basis.  Thank you God!

 

I love this picture.  It makes me smile!

Her Disbelief

Her disbelief hurts.  Hurts her and those that share her realm.  They can’t possibly understand the angst that goes on inside.  Trying desperately to remain on the positive side of things.  Her what if’s are stinging and leaving scars of tears.    How fragile she is at times.  Begging God to relieve her of the things that create the angst, fear…. Fear…. Fear… Some day’s she actually can breathe…. Some days.

She feels his pulling away; although she is told not to worry.  He says everything is ok.  Nothing is wrong.  What she hears is I’m leaving you.  I don’t want you.  I’m just not there.  She knows.  She has lived this.

As the morning drags by painfully she watches her phone for any sign of him.  Nothing.  How to not be in the middle of this will take time or practice or both… she wants the relief to come quickly.  How sad that a word will erase this but the silence increases the intensity of it all.

She is right.  Even if she isn’t… He is not there, today.  He wasn’t there yesterday.  But, given some unsettling news that she shared with him days ago… he lept to action.  Where could he help?  What did she need?  So…. Her memory tries to keep that in the forefront.  Seeking the comfort those memories bring.  Then being slapped back with the last couple of days of arm’s length interaction.  Let the crying begin.  She weeps. 

There is but one solution.  A loving God that takes all things and turns them around to work for the good of those that are called according to His purpose.  ALL things.  Her things. 

She wants to ask him for assurance… again.  But something inside says NO.  Your assurance can only come from above.  What you seek here on earth is fleeting and never lasts.  God gives the ability to breathe, move about in a hostile world…She wishes she were at home.  Home where scare, sad can be held at bay by sleep. 

She feels the energy leaving her body.  Drained she knows this has worn her out/down.  Just the insanity of it all nearly breaks her spirit.  Again she cries out, ‘sweet Jesus… please take this’. 

When the unsettling of human emotions overtakes us we tend to roll up in a ball as if to protect ourselves.   Move as far away from the issue/pain as possible and she knows she is close.   Traumatized over and over by what she thinks he can fix but doesn’t… she feels at her breaking point….But feelings can betray all of us.  Deep breathe……………………………….

Living  beyond ourselves...
it can be overwelming.  It takes place practice.. it can be scary.  But all in all rewarding.....
so,what holds us back?  Fear?  Self seeking?  I can say for me, awareness of others and their needs.. . It did not, is not coming easily or naturally.  However, seein others needs and  responding as  needed is awesome....
as I look around I see I have an awesome family...great friends...and a relationship new and exciting. I give all thanks to a God that loves unconditionally.....

Consternation.......

Another huge wave of misery. 


Where does this stuff come from?  Being completely overwhelmed by an emotion or blindsided by something disconcerting in itself.  Wrap it up in a person that can't bounce back quickly and it gets scary... fast.


There is nothing driving this downside.  I can manufacture something to make it more plausible, more real that way I won't feel AS crazy when I have to explain.... the why of it all.  Cause truth be told.... I have no idea why the lows come.  Why the highs don't stay.  No idea.


What I do know is when I am ok with me, most things roll off me.  But, I'm not there today nor yesterday. 

Kids, camping and chaos

Kids, Camping and chaos

Well our first camping trip in several years has come and gone.  Glorious weather!  Mild/hot days and mild nights.  No rain….  Great food, awesome company (S) and family time!  What’s there not to love!

I learned a lot about ‘S’ family this weekend.  I watched things happen that surprised me, shocked me and angered me.  But, it’s not my deal and he will figure things out for himself.  Nothing shocking, but when others put others out then there is a problem….

So, Saturday we spent the day on the lake.  Mike rented a pontoon.  Gosh it was good to feel the wind as we breezed through the water….  God if you are listening, I want on the water so bad.  I don’t need a boat, a kayak will do but the early morning light coming up on the water is so calming…  I got out all three mornings taking pictures…. And, “S” was right there with me… he also loves the pictures of God’s handy work…

When I think of good memories of childhood they always involve my dad.  The calming force (although I know there were things beyond that).  He loved camping, the water.  I’m sure that is why we all want that so badly.    I am certain that I can go it alone though.  I am going to not go camping just because others can’t.  I enjoy it that much! 

Now a funny story.  In the fast pace of packing I actually forgot the tent.  When I told Steve that at 3:45am that morning before we left; he busted out laughing.  It was so infectious that I started laughing too.  He finally said, ‘man that should be the first thing you pack’ it is camping!  He has a wonderful sense of humor.  Our time together could not have been better.  

So, the camping was the best, the kids brought the chaos and we all lived to see the end of a great trip.