What a concept……..
what is best for Jackie. Not what she
wants; what is best.
I do not think I
have come to this place ever before, I must admit… it scares me because at this
time it means letting go of something, someone that I love. Someone that I gave all of me to only to
watch the relationship dissolve beyond repair.
He still contacts me occasionally and has asked to have dinner with me
IF I can do that, meaning will it hurt me.
Well I immediately took it to God… along with hurry, hurry I need to
know; when all I was begging for was hope.
I began to cry. The hope I have
is that Jesus will see me through this time.
Only Jesus will never leave, always love me no matter how screwed up I
am. While I talked to Him after he asked
to go to dinner what came to my heart was…. What is best for Jackie? It startled me as I do not recall ever
thinking that. Only what will best suit
the needs she demanded at that moment. I
caught my breath.
The world, the
universe, The Lord, knows how I feel; He knows how I hurt. Every prayer request I have sent up I have
either been able to stand up and walk on or I have been left in a puddle of
tears and it gets confusing at best. Or
does it? I felt in my heart that I
already have the strength… what?
Really? That comes from the
greatest giver of all, God.
Will I tap into
that unlimited resource and grow from my choice to remain prayerful, or will I
shut down all sensibility and move on my own accord? Sounds so easy…
I have acted on
self-will my ENTIRE life and it has ended with people hurt all over the place
including ME. Am I willing to run the
show or step back? I stay in constant
prayer but do I really listen? This has
taught me the later…. And then some. I
do not want the pain and sadness to be my cloak I wear forever. I want to heal and not come back. How do I do that? Better yet, help me God to allow your grace
to cover the painful but truthful decisions.
All along I have asked that S come back.
That he realize how much he misses and wants me. All along I have not let that go.
What is best for
me? To never walk away from God again. To remain in his presence with expectancy and
joy. I keep reading so many bible
teachings now I am walking in those verses and I’m afraid but holding on to
God’s promises.
I saved his last
message and mine. Can we meet for
dinner? I’m not strong enough. I still want him too much. When you are ready? I’m not there and may never be. I told him that (to the best of my memory) I
would have to give that some thought. He
said ok, he will (a)wait my answer.. My
answer is deep within me. Not now. Not now.
Not now. I truly am not at that
place. I turned back to the texts to
reread the conversation, hit save and then hit delete for the other
messages. It took his away too. I panicked… I looked through my phone,
frantically searching for it as if I was looking for a lost pet or child. Oh no, I began to sweat, stomach jumped up
and down, heart beat racing. What the
heck am I going to do I can’t remember his number. Help!
Help!
God doing for me
what I can’t do? I don’t know, but I do
know this.. I am so used to pushing my truth down further and futher that I
have lost me. He hasn’t. He remains the same and I am lost. I choked on my truth as it made its way to
the surface. It is not in my best
interest… not now and probably not soon down the road.
As the angst began
to subside I remembered a number that could be his so of course.. I wrote it
down. Little by little I am squeezing
myself dry of this emotionally draining part of self. I know also, that I have his email IF I truly
found myself wanting to contact him. The
last think I will write is this: As I
cried over this, as I sat in silence and in the fear of letting go… my true
self and my Jesus self-met if only for a moment and as I stood up and took another breath I wiped the tears away…
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