Still Learning

When I began this blog I thought how breathing through life circumstances had  been difficult for me.  Think of a child holding their breath.  Maybe not to get my way (well that too) but fear that I couldn't move beyond (fill in the blank).  That was several years ago. 

I am still learning and I suppose that I will be until the day I die.  Perhaps that isn't always a hurtful or bad thing.  I have learned so much about myself over the past years.  Sober living isn't always fun or even easy, but the alternative scares the hell out of me.

So, breathing through the stuff I create in my life (good or bad) and the rest.... dipped in titles like 'new boyfriend', 'new place to live', 'grandchildren'.... you get the point... Hopefully.

I have been off the beam and on the beam so many times since Feb 27th that I am almost amazed that I am still breathing.  I have written, cried and rejoiced over 'him'.  He remains but my resolve is waning.  Daily I say to God..........HERE this hurts too much or THANK YOU for bringing him into my life.  Unfortunately this is not a comfortable place that I am but I am working through my stuff, which is not easy.

Today, 4 years ago I picked up a white chip (surrender).  something I did not think would ever happen and then boom!  Here I was after picking up a 4 year medallion and a few weeks beyond I am stuck in a pain pill nightmare.  Thankfully that turned around quickly and now... ego in my back pocket I shall venture in front of my AA peers and say.... this program works...

Man child and wife will have a little boy in November.  It's been a rough ride for those two and continues to create strife which breaks my heart for them. 

I am once again living alone.  I had a couple of family members here for a few months, which I loved.  It felt good to have other voices here and someone I could take my fears/joys to.

So, to end on a positive note..... I will walk forward with or without 'S' and know that hurt only lasts as long as I allow it.  Breathing through all of life's twists and turns still is a challenge but I am relying on that power that got me sober and continues to restore me on a daily basis.  Thank you God!

 

I love this picture.  It makes me smile!