Somedays I am so at peace, others.......... off the beam. Today I am the later. Angry. Judgmental, teary, forgetful, unhappy.... you get the picture.
I really worry about my memory. It is so bad that I am humiliated at work. I am disgusted with my performance as the mistakes pile up and today was amplified so much that I just cried at knowing I can't help it and knowing that I am seeking help, for what, I am not sure.
I believe that under pressure, for me, I am not able to pull from my short term memory. Ugh! Many mistakes came to the surface today. One thing I am having to work on is ... that does not make me a failure but certainly room to grow from this day.
Damn, damn, damn.
Several things are bothering me. 1) I feel at times I have no one in my corner. I have no one to give me the big nod. The 'it will be ok' talk. And when it scares me I truly need that. No amount of self talk and awareness is enough.
I got a text from a woman I tried working with in 'the' program. Seems she does not think I am the right sponsor for her. I don't have to go into it, but in the past when someone pulls away it hasn't bothered me. We lose many compared to those who stay. But this one, just the way she said it, angered me. Dare I say, 'wth'?
So, work, program, church.... no one close enough to confide in. And right now I could use someone to pour out my angst to. I know not to 'grow' this, but I am not in a place to walk ahead and not be filled with self doubt.
Tomorrow is another day. Thank God.
Watching The Olympics. Tornado warnings out. Last week it was snow. Enough to cause our military installation to close and let me say this, that rarely happens. And tonight.... hang on to your hat! The wind is already blowin'.
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