Crazy Anger. Anger Crazy!

Crazy!

Anger is ruling my spirit these days.  Anger with people that I normally wouldn’t give them a small second of my time.  But let them turn the tables and bam!  I am angry that I am being treated like a no body.  Imagine.  I, I, I.  Shut the h up! 

Last night I heard so much in a bible study I am in.  This morning as I did a chapter and also read some meditations, It really hit me hard how the anger is making choices for me.  Choices.  Like when drugs did that.  When relationships did/do that.  How does that happen?  How can it be ok, then not, then ok again.

My answer?  Because I am looking outward again, and trying to fill that God size hole with ‘other’ things.  Other than drugs and alcohol.  And believe me, anger is a powerful tool.  And when I am run by anger, it bleeds into all areas of my life.  Hence, where I am.  I was slowly backing myself into a corner.  And for what?  So, that I am not hurt further?  So that ‘they’ will see I am hurt?  MANIPULATION at it’s best.

No time to go further and no need.  Word for the day.  MANIPULATION>   See I still can’t always see the truth.  My truth.  Good grief. 

 

Perhaps the realization will create change.  Perhaps.

Remember this too shall pass

Somedays I am so at peace, others.......... off the beam.  Today I am the later.  Angry.  Judgmental, teary, forgetful, unhappy.... you get the picture.
I really worry about my memory.  It is so bad that I am humiliated at work.  I am disgusted with my performance as the mistakes pile up and today was amplified so much that I just cried at knowing I can't help it and knowing that I am seeking help, for what, I am not sure.
I believe that under pressure, for me, I am not able to pull from my short term memory.  Ugh!  Many mistakes came to the surface today.  One thing I am having to work on is ... that does not make me a failure but certainly room to grow from this day.
Damn, damn, damn.

Several things are bothering me.  1) I feel at times I have no one in my corner.  I have no one to give me the big nod.  The 'it will be ok' talk.  And when it scares me I truly need that.  No amount of self talk and awareness is enough. 

I got a text from a woman I tried working with in 'the' program.  Seems she does not think I am the right sponsor for her.  I don't have to go into it, but in the past when someone pulls away it hasn't bothered me.  We lose many compared to those who stay.  But this one, just the way she said it, angered me.  Dare I say, 'wth'? 

So, work, program, church.... no one close enough to confide in.  And right now I could use someone to pour out my angst to.  I know not to 'grow' this, but I am not in a place to walk ahead and not be filled with self doubt. 

Tomorrow is another day.  Thank God.

Watching The Olympics.  Tornado warnings out.  Last week it was snow.  Enough to cause our military installation to close and let me say this, that rarely happens.  And tonight.... hang on to your hat!  The wind is already blowin'.

It's all in your head

It is all in your head……………………..

I have been told I have a dis-ease of perception.  For 9 years…  Really?  How do I get beyond that?

In our big book it is written several times how we really can’t see the truth from the false when we are still drinking (or other substances).  That what mulls around in (ok, I’ll refer to ‘me’) my head doesn’t have to be my reality.

I have been in this program since 2005.  It took till 2007 to really find the happiness of sobriety.  And even that can come and go or be fleeting.  But those good days are so worth the other.

So, if my thinking is my problem (that is, I think of ‘me” too often and not you) what about me, what about me! What am I going to do to change that?

Ahh, the 12 steps.  I have a young woman I have been working with on and off for 4 years.  She just can’t get “it”.  Over the weekend she blew it out again and then called Sunday morning saying she is really struggling.  Really?  Well let’s see.  Work the steps, live the steps and learn to think of ourselves less often and ‘others’ more.  See, if I am wrapped up in what is going to happen to ME then my world gets smaller.  I am shut off from ‘others’ that includes God.  Yes, GOD.  Good orderly direction, or, just GOD.  See daily even after working the steps I still try to remain open to God’s power in my life.  Allowing my life to be directed in a path that is worth living, not my way that will choice self-destruction if given the choice while drinking, or given enough emotional pain.   Anything to change the way I feel and certainly without proper knowledge, change how I think.  Totally misguided use.  But that is another chapter.

So, my favorite pages are 86-89.  If you have read this book you know what I am talking about.   ‘upon awakening’  it gives us suggestions as to how to live through our day.  Live!  Not curl up in a ball and bawl; which is how I operated anytime fear crept in.  Fear of losing what I had/have or fear of not getting what I want.  Self-absorbed, don’t you think?

When I get in the middle of the promises of this program, when I work with another and share the experience I have or the pages I have read, things start to change.  Mostly ME.

If you believe in that power, then tap in to it.  Ask God for help….. with (fill in your blank).  He has never left me, not will he. 

So, friends that just won’t believe, or are skeptical don’t fret.  If you are in enough pain, then do something different.  Try to live by the principals of the AA program.  And, if after a year you are still unhappy, go drink.  We gladly give you your misery back.

I say I am a ‘free’ woman.  But what I am really saying is I strive daily to get out of the way (my thinking) and allow life to flow.  Ahhh, that not only sounds wonderful but it is.  

For someone that dodged life for many years without even knowing it; this has been a totally eye opening deal.  And it isn’t even mine.  It’s there for anyone.  Just ask…. Find the symbol and jump in with both feet.

Everything changes...

When I think back perhaps 8 or 9 years ago I was angry with life/family.  This had everything to do with me, not them.  I could not or would not allow them to be who they were/are.  My life turned sharply and they kept right on marching.  I was probably always the 'baby'.  Maybe not in age, but everything else.  I had no idea how to take care of myself.  I had made sure someone had always been there; and when they weren't I was a total mess.  What did they know that I didn't?  I just could not look beyond "me". 
What has happened since then is not always good.  There has been break-ups, divorce, retirement, complete financial ruin and health issues that just won't go away.
Except me.  I may have kicked and screamed my way through the first 5 of those years; those years that I felt alone and abandon. 
I surveyed my family again last night as I sat, once again in the hospital with one of them.  The one that has struggled with health, drugs, family, finances.. you name it.  I thought of how her life was once so golden, so 'on track'.  She was a powerhouse to me.  I thought of another; one who always was able to pay her bills and had done well, but retirement and poor choice of a business venture has lowered her family living standards.  Then the true baby.  We spoke briefly after yet another 'date night' with yet one more being subjected to his infinite scrutiny.
I wondered home, ate and went to bed as early as I could.  I slept well and woke to the whole thing still fresh in my mind.

So, our choices always have some kind of impact on our life.  ALWAYS.  They don't always have to be negative and that is how I think I am living my own life.  I pray constantly for peace, both for them and me.  I pray our lives will level out; that they will find the God that serves us all but is on the outside of their paths, waiting for them to reach to that power, love.

See I know, that I know, that I know, only through the worst time of my life, that I was picked up and put on a course that changed me, my life.  I want that so badly for them. 

I know miracles occur all the time.  MY son is the biggest I know of but certainly won't be the last.

And here, in early 2014 I am no longer angry but hopeful all will be well.

Jj

Quiet is good.

Beautiful Saturday afternoon and evening.  After doing the normal errands this morning I came home and relaxed till late today.  I had to get out and run.  I went to our green trail.  It was chilly but the evening sky was awash in pinks, blues, yellows, reds.  Absoulutely gorgeous.  I ran into a friend (God thing?)  which was good to visit with her.

Tomorrow is the man child's 32nd bday.  You know that in itself is a miracle.  Fantastic miracle.  We will eat and enjoy company.  Awesome.

Still working through some 'alone' time.  Love, love the freedom I have.  But there is a longing that stirs most of the time.  But, I will wait. 

Not much to write about.. I have been silent for a few weeks for a reason.  Nothing to share. 

Happy and content seems to abound these days.  Does not mean I don't get lonely, but I will survive.

God is awesome, all the time.

I just read that my favorite musical performer, Paul Simon is touring with Sting this year.  How cool that would be to see them together.  I checked the concert dates, right now there isn't one for my area.  I will keep checking. 

Enjoy the weekend.

Jj