Good Morning and Farewell

I took this this morning as the sun was coming up.  The picture is beautiful but still can do justice to God's painting. 
And this is a farewell to 2012.  I know for me it has been a year full of rewards and few setbacks.  As we close out this year I can say my family are all heathly and my sister continues to grow stronger.  My family ALL were together this xmas with the exception of a couple of neices.  ALL.  That is amazing.  And under one roof with no arguments.  THAT is amazing.  The headcount that night was 27.  Brothers, sisters and all that comes with them.  It was awesome. 
So my final entry for this year will be this.  I am heading out shortly.  No plans for anything festive for the evening.  My car just doesn't like being on the road on this night of sheer amiturish drinking and horsing around.  I left that life some time ago.
I pray that everyone end the year with no regrets and ring in 2013 with joy and hope of a great year!

I will always be...

I am and always will be an addict/alcoholic.  But today I am in recovery.  I feel bound by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I am a free woman.  Free and Clean.  Clean and Sober.

So tell me what the heck I am thinking;  today someone from my past came into my view.  Not rearview but view.  This person was someone I loved hanging out with.  My partner in crime if you will.  I have spent the past hour going through pictures posted on-line of her, them...  And I thought, no big deal.  But I found that isn't the case.  My stomach is flip flopping.  I realized how much I truly loved this person and all we had been through.  Even deep in our disease I always wondered what she would be like clean and sober.  Well now I am clean over 5 years.  And I have given all that up to God. 

Until today I had memories that seemed to fade like the sunset.  Until today I shuddered at the thought of those years spent running and who I ran with.  Until today.  Now I am praying for this sick feeling to be taken away.  I know that contacting her will only bring that life back to me.  I am working through this as I type.  As I wrote what I thought I know that I do not want that life again.  But for minutes I was without mental defense and that scared the hell out of me.

Until a few minutes ago I wondered, 'hmmm what is she doing now'?  Is she really straight?  A family member told me she is doing great.  And the truth is I miss our friendship.  We truly ran amuck but had some fun.  She was a crazy nut and kept me in stitches.  Most of the time. 

My disease will make this sound good to me again.  My disease is pushing me to that place that questions if we could be friends again.

My disease.  Will always be there/here.  but I do not have to feed it.  I don't have to like it.  But I have to aknowledge that it is there.  Not like a booger man hiding in the shadows, yet it is.

I have written it out of my head (the feeling that is).  Tonight I will go to my regular meeting and see "my friends"  that I have now.  None of which make me laugh that way but they also do not steal with me or lie with me or scheme................... you get the point, right?

Thank God I can lay this at His feet.  

June 13, 2007 was my last fix.  Thank you God for picking me up from that dismal, dark, scary life.

whew! 

Love should heal, not hurt

When someone we love hurts, we hurt, right?  Isn’t that the human connection?

If we/I didn’t I would worry.  Seriously.   But do we ever cross that imaginary line between care and control.  Trying to ‘fix’ it for someone to ease their pain as well as our own.  Put the big red arrow right here, on me.  I am guilty. 

Ever been bullied by the school yard jerk?  Perhaps a relationship idiot that can’t take ‘no’ as an answer and proceeds to push their will on you?  Ever said to anyone, “I don’t have a voice in this”?  Wish you had someone in your corner?  The newest term, “go to person” comes to mind.   Well do you?  Are you? 

I have a true issue with this very thing.  A need, if you will, to be heard.  So, when appropriate I want to shout out loud.  When squelched I want to jump up and down to be seen AND heard.  Remember the movie Dirty Dancing?  No one puts Baby in the corner.  Well that applies to me too.    Not having a ‘voice’ is the worst of all.

What does that connect to?  Feeling less than?  Like we don’t matter?  Absolutely.

Seems that is a reacurring theme with me.  But!  I’m aware and working to live beyond that.  Slowly.

I fear my precious grandkids have this same issue.  It crushes me to see them hurt but I know they can not be protected all the time. 

Life………… Where would we be without it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

What am I thankful for?  What about you?  When I look around today I see a plethra of folks that don't give a rip about society.  I see the masses devouring lives as if they were nothing.  A non entity.  A homeless man yelled out to the cars in the drive thru where I also sat, waiting for my turn.  Hey, anyone have a dollar?  I turned away.  Not becuase of the money but because I get annoyed.  Hmmm.  As I drove around the building I was saddened by that.  Annoyed at someone that needed something to eat?  Really?
Or did HE really?  Case in point; someone I know lived off of panhandling for months.   Gave me the inside scoup on how they work the system.  He said in a few hours he could accumulate more than if he worked for several days 8 hrs a day.  that is your money and mine.  And that is something I struggle with.  If i hand you MY hard earned money what YOU do with it is non of my business.  What IS MY business is do I give it or not?  Choosing not does not make us/me/you a bad person.  I suppose my gratitude is that I am not homeless.  Far from it.  But I do not look down on those that are.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  my 8th alone.  On the 27th (next week) rj and I would be celebrating 21 years of marriage.  Now, I can dwell on the negative, poor me side or smile and say, thank you God for rewriting the end of that misery.  Now moving on is a whole different story.

Thanksgiving.  When I was a kid I loved the holidays.  As screwed up as my family was I knew that during that time it just seemed everyone was happy, if only for  a minute.  I have mentioned this before but for a few years we would go to my aunt and uncle's house to eat.  Afterwards we would rush to their basement and watch March of the Wooden Soldiers.  A laurel and hardy escapade.  But I loved it.  I loved the atmosphere.  That of which i remember.  My parents had already separated so I'm sure my mother was still reeling from that pain.  My grandparents would come too.  So it was a houseful of kids and adults.  And this may freak my cousin out but I still remember they had a yellow lab named Timmy and a black cat named Cricket.  Funny the stuff we remember, huh. 

So for those few short years those were my favorite times. 

For those without families or those with families that are disconnected, for those folks without a home or money for food, moms without husbands, children without clothes... you get the picture, right?  Treasure what you have, give to those that don't.  A smile goes a long way but won't feed a hungry child. 

Stop and give thanks for what we/me have but look beyond and give of yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving

Jj

what will your mark be?

Will we leave a mark when we are gone?  Does what we do today touch the lives or make a difference in any way?  I hope so.  Not because I want people to grieve any more or less, but to leave a lasting memory to those I cherish.
A friend died suddenly the other morning.  Probably a massive heart attack.  Sad at best.  He leaves behind a host of friends and family to mourn and ask themselves, "will that be me next?"  Why is it that death brings us to a closer reality than anything we experience.  A reality of mortality.  It brings up reflection of who we are (after the reminiscing of who they were), what will happen to my family or just a smidgen of a glance at the impact our lives have made on those that knew us. 
Is that when it should begin?  Is that when we grab hold of who we are and begin to either make a change or increase our benefit to society thing?  God I pray that when I leave this earth that those around me can say, "good life, good person"
I do not think we should give of ourselves to get.  No, that is not the deal.  But giving of myself gives me great joy but knowing that somewhere someone will extend their hands to the next, and the next and so on.  Think of the old Travelers Ins commercial.  We are all truly connected (when we choose to be).
I for one, do not think God picked me out of my ruineous life to be a brick in the wall.   I want to be of service to anyone that I see in need.  ANYONE.  A hug, a smile, a word of encouragement (all free, all free).  Time seems to be an issue.  Giving of my time.  But I'm working on that one.  Money?  Well that is an area that I am just now addressing.  Gift of money in a quiet envelope.  Donations to Red Cross.  Now keep in mind as I do too, that no giving shall be done for benefit of oneself.  He sees and He knows our hearts.  My heart. 
I am beginning to love the people around me.  Beyond family.  Ok, work is still a work in progress.  I ask daily to forgive those that have harmed me and more importantly to be forgiven of hurts done to others, either known or unknown.  No longer playing the victim, I am now accountable for who I am.  How I treat others. 

If life is defined by what we own, then mine is lacking.  If life is defined by what we give, then mine is growing.  If life is defined by how our heart breaks for so many, then mine cries for mercy.  It is truly a gift we are given, now go share and let God direct our day.

Jj

Stand up, stand tall. YOU are worth it!

How painful is it;  to remain the same (stuck like glue) or take the action and walk through fear inspite of pain. 
Today I took a painful, fearful action.  Work.  Hate it.  Hate the jerk I work with.  Male dominated fricking jerks.  I can't say that enough.  Today was just like most of the others.  The "big D" pushing me into that dark corner again.  I can't fight this any longer.  Deep breathe.  Keep my mouth shut... and shut... and shut... Oh the hell with it.
Here is the deal.  MY deal.  I am important.  If not there then inside me.  I am important to my children, grandchildren, and family.  I realized after this episode today that I have been so blocked in that my whole personality was shut down.  I am so sad for me. 
Here is the deal (again).  so how do we learn in anything?  being taught?  taking chances?  well I've done the latter.  I have also begged to be taught in my job.  To NO avail.  What is wrong with someone that wants you to stay all bound up.  YOU DO NOT MATTER he screams without words. 
After many many bumps and bruises I told him no more.  That I was not going to do this anymore.  At first i was shaky.  I was fearful.  See I do not do conflict.  Not unless I am pushed to the edge.  And I am day after day.  What will he think if i stand up for myself?  Which I did.  It ended with me with huge crocidile tears voice as shakey as I have ever been there.  I couldn't get much out except  I was done.
He got quiet.  He said................. Don't get upset.   Dont' get upset.  Nothing is worth that.  He was kind.  I saw it in his eyes.  Human?  Nah.  
But I,  I    I stood up and said this is unacceptable.  HUH?  Me?  Wow.  God help me, God save me.  God  you know better than all my heart. 
It will never be a safe place to work.  It is not my place to rest.  It pays my bills but my self esteem is greatly compromised.  My spirit damaged. 
Does work have to be synonymous with hate?  Or any word close to that?  NO.  It will not be much longer.  I can not tell you the prayers, tears and compromise to be able to walk through that door daily.  This isn't living.  This is pain to the max. 
If I come out the other side it will not be unscarred but it will be a learning experience for me. 
I am worth so much to the ones that are my life.  And work is not part of that.

I just pray to the God that loves me more than I love my life........... 

Keep me safe until you move me.

Jj

Holidays and such

One week before Thanksgiving.  Am I truly thankful?  I believe I am.  Although I have a habit of focusing on the negative side.  I am working on that and know that I am better than I was.
Daughter cooks and what a spread.  I only have to contribute a few pies and bring myself.  AND they don't let me help clean up.  How much simpler and enjoyable can it be?  And this year for the first time in awhile the man child will be there.  Clean, sober and a part of.  My world seems complete.

Out of school all next week and when we come back we have 3 weeks and then finals.  I will get about a 3 week break.  I am already online checking out my spring semester classes.  See I do have renewed energy for this.  The negative side of me wants to say, 'yeah it won't last'.

Brother is living alone after his quickie divorce this summer.  I asked him to come eat with us.  He declined.  I hope he finds something to do.  I can't imagine being alone.  And really he has as big of a family as all of us do and if he chooses to be alone/stay alone then it is his choice.

I have in the past fixed a big plate of stuff for RJ.  He has a sister here but they do not see each other for Thanksgiving.  As a matter of fact, he will be alone.  His son lives in NC and they are not interested in connecting for the holidays.  How pitifully sad is that?

Speaking of 'him'.  We are going to Nashville in December for a few days.  My idea, his companionship and a great city to hang out in.  Should be (operative word being should) fun.  No expectations on my part.

Work is not good.  Still feeling very attacked.  Very put down.  I am searching hard and fast for employment else where.  Prayfully I hope that happens soon.  It is really hard for me to stand up to all this mean ness.  I lick my wounds like a dog cast aside and retreat into a cubed space that isn't a safe place at all.  I have to remind myself that others are sick too.  And unfortunately it is really taking a toll on me, work wise.

Sister in ICU again after a surgery yesterday.  Totally detached from her and her family.  Sadly enough that is her choice.  We sit back and watch or hear of her pieces falling apart.  From what I've been told she has lost an extreme amount of weight.  When asked why she responded with a lie.  So, life hasn't changed for her and the rest of us just sit by helpless.

  Enjoy this fall day.  Our leaves are falling fast!!!